The most beautiful pattern in all of humanity. to (me!) sandra, tvgp
as viewable on CBS Sunday morning segment titled: the girl in the picture, from Sunday Oct 25th, 2015. -very powerful interview and story.
and while her life experiences and journey are unique to her, and her alone; there is also a pattern:
evil inflicted on the innocent.
long, hard, healing process..
enter Jesus, and then.. a peace that surpasses human understanding.
and then.. the incompletely healed heart reaches out to comfort others in pain.. to help eliminate suffering in this broken world.
***
you cannot count how many humans share this pattern..
i always notice, it does not involve the absence of suffering;
-but always the conquering of it...
***
..mighty counselor! prince of peace... hallelujah! amen!
Flat Stanley 2 says goodbye at the (pleasanton library!)
we went back where he was created... that's him with Noah, on a beautiful sculpture outside the pleasanton library..
listening to some stories..
which is his very favorite thing to do!
listen to your stories... that he inspires.
Flat Stanley loves Ricks Picks! like (me!) sandra, tvgp
I couldn't let flat Stanley go, without a tour of downtown pleasanton and the best, funky~est, coolest store on all of main street..
and he went straight past the couches, the jewelry, the kitchen section, straight past the candles, the purses, the home decor..
-write to the toy section... Of course!
Flat stanley has a sweet tooth. noticed by (me!) sandra, tvgp
when I took flat Stanley with me to the UPS store to mail the killer cookies in a larger care package to my daughter.. he jumped in the lollipop basket. "You just had a cookie!". -he didn't care.
Flat Stanley and the killer cookie.. by (me!) sandra, tvgp
yes. Killer cookies.. "they are to die for!". chocolate chip + coconut + walnuts..
Flat stanley rides on my jeep blue see! with (me!) Sandra, tvgp
Flat Stanley 2 by (me!) sandra, tvgp
and I did the best I could to make this new flat Stanley look like the original flat Stanley, but he was not the original so I colored a #2 on his shirt...
Flat Stanley. is not black and white.. knows (me!) sandra, tvgp
-on one of my errands i i-spied a kid friendly dental office..
"they'll have crayons!"
and they did! and so I sat write down ... pulled up the picture of me, my mom, and flat Stanley from the Alameda beach and tried to color Stanley the same way he looked when my mom handed him to me and said "don't lose him"
"I lost flat stanley!" (Me!) sandra, tvgp
.. so i went to the pleasanton library where you can print up to 20 pages FREE! and i searched the internet for a new flat Stanley image.. but when the image printed out he looked very, very small. "Honey.. I shrunk the flat stanley!"
so I invested .50 cents of my own, and .25 cents from a kind lady that works at the library, and another .50 cents from a kind passerby inside the library, /named Hope, as it turns out..
enlarging flat stanley to about the same size he was when my mom handed him to me and told me " do not lose him.."
enlarging pictures on an older copy machine involves a lot of guess work... what %? to type in... and there was not a way to preview, so I did not know how much I actually increased flat stanley until the copy printed out.
lesson here: the ability to preview print can save a lot of paper.
as it turns out, it was a bit like the three bears story:
-flat stanley was too small; then too big... but eventually
~just write.
FLAT STANLEY in 5 parts by (me!) sandra, tvgp
after we took him to the alameda beach, my mom handed him to (me!). "...don't lose him!"
Absolutely NOT! says (me!) sandra, tvgp
there is a group of us going out dancing to live music soon. my sister goes, "are you going to invite keith?"
"absolutely not!"
and she goes, "you don't think he would like..
and before she could finish the sentence i explained how he has not bothered to ask me out.. and im not about to let him come walking through the bar door at 15 minutes to close, when im all in a great green light mood, slightly intoxicated..."i refuse to make it easy!
thats something my 21 year old self would do" i told her,
"and my 30 year old self...
and, my 40 year old self..
and my 45 year old self....
But NOT MY 49! year old self!"
***
-so there.
***
in Jesus patient name...
Absolutely NOT! says (me!) sandra, tvgp
there is a group of us going out dancing to live music soon. my sister goes, "are you going to invite keith?"
"absolutely not!"
and she goes, "you don't think he would like..
and before she could finish the sentence i explained how he has not bothered to ask me out.. and im not about to let him come walking through the bar door at 15 minutes to close, when im all in a great green light mood, slightly intoxicated..."i refuse to make it easy!
thats something my 21 year old self would do" i told her,
"and my 30 year old self...
and, my 40 year old self..
and my 45 year old self....
But NOT MY 49! year old self!"
***
-so there.
***
in Jesus patient name...
Alice Cooper. by (me!) sandra, tvgp
he has a hot tub, -keith does. and a pool. so he probably barely hinted at an invitation and i was already there, and with my friend and roommate lisa..
what swimsuit was i wearing; zero memory.. but we did wear them, and we hung out, and talked and drank..
keith..
he somehow talked me into getting out of the hot tub, jumping in the pool and then back in the hot tub.. -something about how wild the sensation was: from hot to cold to hot. -felt like a dare
so I took it.
all these years later i pause here to wonder if he used this opportunity to hit on lisa.. but she never mentioned it, if he did..
anyway... out of the hot.. walk, walk, walk.. Jump!
-like, super cold! out of the pool, run, run, slip into the 'ahhhhhh what feels now like extra hot water.
I did it. thought maybe I impressed keith with my willingness and follow through. and how much longer we all sat in the hot tub talking, drinking, I don't remember, but.. for a while.
eternity.
and then we were back in his house.. and it is so pronounced to me this next experience:
i had to use the bathroom.
so, I found my way to the hallway... to the bathroom.. and turned on the light, and passed a mirror as I started to undo my
and then I backed immediately up. looked again at myself in the mirror
and stood staring at myself frozen and mortified.
prior to arriving at Keith's house, I did what any and every 21 year old girl does who is all stupid and over crazy infatuated with an older man..
I dressed up a little, and did my hair just so.. a touch, very light touch of perfume.. and of course i did my make-up:
foundation; lipstick; blush, eye-shadow...
and lots and lots of mascara.
had I stayed in the hot tub.. where we sat, at all times,with our head above water..
but NNnnnnOOOOOoooooooooooooo
I had to show off for keith by jumping in the cold pool with my entire body and then got back into the hot tub.
my mascara,
"Ma-my... ma-my.. Ma-ma-ma-scare-a is not waterproof...."
I looked like Alice cooper. no one told me.
how long did we stay in the not-so-hot-tub and I was obliviously talking and flirting with keith. - the whole time looking like alice cooper..
eternity.
***
there is a lesson here: and it is not about wearing waterproof mascara.
sometimes you have to bump it up a little, vows (me!) sandra, tvgp
sign your name by (terence trent d'arby!) remembers (me!) sandra, tvgp
so it was for sure 1987. and I was for sure twenty one...
Treasure divers by (me!) sandra, tvgp
...for memories otherwise lost in the cerebral ocean...
conversations are surfacing from decades ago.. are they real? where have they been? what happens if they remain buried?
do memories shared and released open new storage space in the treasure chests that are our minds? do memories repeated dig ditches? i want to get to the bottom of this.. memory treasure chest:
he listened a lot to talk radio, keith did.. and several of our conversations revolved around a topic of the day.. political or otherwise, and in most instances i recall.. he had so much knowledge; i had so much ignorance..
is there anything sexier than knowledge? -please remember here, the man I dated because -as the helium balloon got passed from person to person, who would suck it in, then talk funny.. he was the sober one who explained why and how this happened..
anyway.. you see the attraction: add voice, to smile, to eyes, to dancing, to "he is so frickin' knowledgeable this guy..."
and he would reveal some new area of ignorance in me, during every conversation, and I would feel caught and stupid, and behind the seens.. I would look stuff up BG
-before google..
and.. always wish I already knew that.. Or "I should have known that!". and then, but once I gained the knowledge
-of course the topic would never come up again.
and is this memory accurate.. because I believe San Diego was in the news for being the divorce capital of California
and keith said he wouldn't let that stop him from living there..
/now I realize how it probably attracted an even larger influx of men just like keith.. -write,
but at the time, I believed marriages were already under attack and vulnerable, and why would you set yourself up for an even harder situation by taking your spouse and kids to the divorce capital...
" keith.. let me explain it this way..
let's say you own your own shoe store, k. -and you have to relocate. when you are looking for a place to relocate your business..
if the records show that shoe business after shoe business has failed and closed in a given city.. would you move there in hopes your shoe business would somehow beat the odds?
or might you look to where there is a track record of success...
***
and that is the one and only conversation I can remember having with keith where I didn't feel entirely ignorant and stupid..
it was a very exciting moment! and so,
I took off all my clothes.
The Heart Seen... by (squidmann!) at the santa cruz wharf!
Clip Up, Clip Down.. learns (me!) sandra, tvgp
its one of my favorite nights to work at ricks picks; the October brew crawl.. like, my very own personal parade of slightly intoxicated people in such a variety of costumes..
and i had the great pleasure of pouring beer with Adam, of cool beer works. -from cool, California.. a city. (Or country rather..) I did not even know existed until last night.. and.. if you are curious too, 'it is 6 miles northeast of auburn'
which I can quote and recite and repeat, but there is no map in my mental files for where auburn is, so..
anyway.. we poured cool beer's very popular 'blond diva' and their 'paranormal pale ale.. /both get a thumbs up from (me!)..
and the blond references come to no end.. "I'll take a tall blond". " I want a blond". "Give me a blond". Etc, etc. and, you could see every now then.. the husband with the dark haired wife, -asking for a blond..
this slight irritation.. and some of the brunettes felt, let's say, under appreciated and under represented.. but when I saw first hand, just how popular.. I see now why Starbucks.. and any variety of retail centers use this marketing technique.. It gets results!
and I wanted in the worst way to have a come back line, for all these references.. something that would elevate the non-blonds..make people laugh, but I never did..
" I prefer blonds'
and I said, 'we have a gentleman here...'. -because these things get locked in the brain like nursery rhymes..
anyway.. trust me here.. I was thinking, -if the brunettes and red heads felt under appreciated.. Please imagine us silvers.../gray, white, salt n pepper..
if you had two kegs and offered. 'Blond diva or gray haired lady...
but may I make that recommendation to cool beer works and Starbucks..
now, I am aware gray haired lady might not be your highest profit center.. but even the bible recognizes euphemisms..
'Crown of splendor!'. /then we stand a higher chance..
and before I switch to clips up.. let me say, great pleasure meeting and pouring with you Adam.. a former police officer (thank you for your noble service!).. and, in love with his girlfriend from 17 years ago...
is he going to propose?
***
my favorite costumes.. I mean I love it all.. ! .. but the men who dressed like the hosiers basketball players with short-shorts.. Too funny! and then the male tooth fairy in all white tank top dress, with a tiara and tennis shoes and one big tooth on the outfit..
sexy with a sense of humor... you win!
***
my most delightful conversation however, was not with one of the slightly intoxicated adults in costume..
my most delightful conversation was with a radiant young girl from alisal elementary school.. and during our highly engaging conversation, she mentioned something about 'clip up..'
"What is this.. clip up? I've never heard of this before.."
and she explained, as only a 3rd grader (2nd?) with high school communication skills can, that
"Clip up and clip down.. is where.. if you do something you are not supposed to.. clip down.. and if you are good for the day.. Clip up."
"What are they clipping.. your hair? Your skin..
and she went on to explain a color coded clip system which is quite similar to our national security terror threat warning system:
apparently.. Blue is at the top.. highest up your clip can go.. Stellar citizen! and then there was yellow and orange.. don't do that again type warnings.. and..
RED! the lowest your clip can go.. the bitter end.. And! If you get clipped down to red for your unstellar behavior in the classroom,
You cannot get clipped back up! Once in red; you stay in red..
if you get clipped from blue to yellow or orange.. You can behave your way back to blue... But RED!
and so I said, " here is the most important question I have for you about this fascinating color coded clip system
K.. let's say you... Well not YOU, because you stay blue.. Stay blue for me OK.. but let's say someone gets clipped to RED
How long does that last? For a week, for the year, for a day?"
and that's when I learned it only lasts for the day. The next day.. everyone starts again from blue. And the Christian in me loves that system.. Every single day his mercy is new..
Fresh start; try again! -the way Joyce Meyer teaches it, you never fail a test...but you do get to take it over and over and over again, until you pass.
/I'm being tested with keith write now.. as in
write now! I am resisting the urge to see if I can remember where he lives without an address or directions..
***
I can see my keys from here..
***
but! honey... if you think I'm gonna make this easy and convenient for you..
you are as delusional as I am...
in Jesus great name... Hallelujah~amen!
... or this one?... wonders (me!) sandra, tvgp
the thing to keep in mind.. is that you are choosing/comparing.. but once a piece is out, -the consumer is just looking/reading.. the consumer is not thinking how the brochure could be better.. Just whether they are intrigued, and have the need/desire/budget.. Any of these marketing pieces will succeed because they show two great pieces of art... name/contact info.. -just go for it! and good to direct to your website where they can learn and see more... Blessings to you.. prayers for ideal clients! who value your level of gifting and talent... Amen!
Southpark episodes.. we have a tie! for (me!) sandra, tvgp
one of my not so guilty pleasures, watching south park episodes with my nephew.. admittedly this humor is more my brother, son, dad and nephews type than mine.. but i like in on what the current inappropriate shows have to say..
and most of the time im stifling my impulsive reaction from my nephew, but inside I'm like.. oh My God! -they do way more than push the envelope..
oh my God! -they don't even know about the envelope.. they obliterated the envelope!
but i do love the marjorine episode.. portions of it.. it gets a little crazy as it unfolds, but.. im under the impression thats exactly what they get paid to do..
anyway.. ive now witnessed an episode that competes with marjorine as my favorite: i don't know the title.. but the highlights in the content involve how the grocery stores guilt/shame people into charity and.. cyberbullying.. with my new personal blog anthem entitled, ... 'my safe space..'. /or something like that..
because, yes and thank you.. I've been spared hate comments and other forms of toxic vomit. -the villian; reality..
and I wouldn't want it any other way.. "...in my safe space....
/oh! I'll be singing this song all day at the store.. that's write...
..." In my safe space.. in my safe space..."
i vote without sunglasses... (Me!) sandra, tvgp
marketing brochure in progress by my way talented artist friend trenton gregory.. i vote no sunglasses and have requested to see a profile picture also with a smile.. but, ultimately.. what you have with or without sunglasses, with or without a smile.. is a master level artist.. "Congratulations!". .. look forward to seeing your next creation... Blessings!
mixed media embellishments by (me!) sandra, tvgp
Luke 19:26 and the banking industry, as seen by (me!) sandra, tvgp
let's file this under things worth repeating. triggered because i just opened a checking account at U.S. bank, after having to close my other one, when the FTB unannouncedly took funds, plummeting my account below zero, and therefore creating a financial hemmorhage of overdraft fees.. blah, blah
and while I did very briefly enjoy being off the trackable grid.. having to get money orders to pay bills, and not being able to pay bills over the phone, and not having direct deposit accessibility was highly inconvenient.. so, in a sweet surrender I went back to U.S to ... try again; start over...
but nothing makes me more
I mean, nothing makes less cents to me than this banking Industry rule: when they broke the news to (me!), that,
"You do not earn enough money to have your monthly fees waived.."
-so,.. allow me to repeat: if you only earn a little; they charge you more
and if you earn a lot.. you don't have a fee.
?!?!
the less you make; the more they take...
the more you have; the more they give....
so, i said "I'm still in the financial penalty box then, huh.."
and then chatted with Cynthia, and maricela, and the customers I knew in line.. Waved at "Steve!... see I remembered your name this time..". /same as my first boyfriend in elementary school..
and left with a smile... and drove off in my jeep blue see..
[same topic covered in post titled The Money Issue].
hallelujah! & amen!
The Heart Seen.. by (keeshie!)
.. in her minestrone soup from strizzi's... /valentine from heaven..
Flat Stanley @ Alameda Beach.. with (me!) & (my mom!)
...and next ... ill be taking flat stanley on a tour of downtown pleasanton... -what a way fun way to learn about geography & culture, etc.
one fence. by (me!) sandra, tvgp
let those who have ears to hear..
this is repeated throughout the bible, and for very good reason.. as you can see exemplified in my letter to Eric swalwell,.. it is one thing to say, or sing, or write your point
and an entirely other thing whether or not your point is heard and understood and received and/or processed.
i have the pleasure of knowing in advance then: only some who read this will hear:
it is written in gratitude to God, for allowing (me!), -after who knows how many failed attempts
-for giving me an opportunity to respond differently. to break a (word?) pattern in my life that despite repeated negative consequences, i continued to repeat...
because let me share here, and reveal the topic: i am no stranger to sex.
no stranger to casual sex; no stranger to married sex; no stranger to awesome sex; and no stranger to 'can we even call that sex?'
and my confusion in this area is well documented and so no need to repeat all that
"It was Giovanni!". /oh, my goodness, everyone wants to know..
-best of the best.. he should be an instructor with a YouTube video to reach the entire male population: how to..
k. -because the entire female population deserves that level of pleasure..
But! serves as the perfect example of what I've learned about myself: namely, that casual sex.. very temporary and detached has taken a toll on my spirit and self esteem
to be intimate, and then disposable is not in alignment with who i am at heart, and..
even though i know this truth, it hasn't stopped me from repeating the pattern:
until ... YOU KEITH.... /in case you are reading this:
because there was certainly a time, not very long ago
/as in, you probably missed the old me by a couple months..
that by now, i would have already driven myself over to your place and made everything very easy and convenient for you..
the effort on your part would have been... a phone call.
Ha!
It will take much more effort on your part this time! /3 phone calls at least! /I kid,
because what I've learned is that
if a man doesn't have to put in a lot of effort
-well,
if you put up a fence -at least one fence,
and that stops a man from calling
K. I don't have the literary bumps worked out yet... what I'm trying to say is,
now i have a fence. it is tall and wide, and not easy to get through.
and only he who climbs...
k. this is not going very well for me... but you know what I mean
-write.
In Jesus name, amen!
Zero Tolerance. for (me!) sandra, tvgp
type Safeway cam in the search bar of this blog. "Thank you!"
Parable of the empty bucket by (me!) sandra, tvgp
how old was i ? can't remember.. but young; elementary or middle school..
and i had the opportunity to go with family and friends to the dune~buggy races. i think it was in riverside, California, -not sure..
and none of those details actually matter. here's what does..
they had these races, where two people were in each dune~buggy; a driver and a passenger, and the passenger was provided with a paint bucket full of water..
the object ... the goal, -was to arrive across the finish line.. but the winner was not who crossed the finish line first, you see..
the winner was whoever still had the most water in their bucket after everyone crossed the finish line.
now, i was young.. i took it all very serious.. i held the bucket in the air, balancing it, and moving it around, trying to keep the water from spilling all over the place as we raced up steep damp mountains of dirt.. and did quick turns around cones, and a two wheel tilt to the write, bump, bump, bump.. and then a terrible skid to the left.. and then up a hill, down a hill.. in one of the bounciest, craziest, thrill seekin' fast paced rides of my life..
"Oh my God... we're about to roll..!....!...!..."
-but we never did.. it just felt, for much of the ride, an imminent possibility..
and at some point.. the race comes to an end; everyone has crossed the finish line, and a judge comes around and checks the amount of water in each bucket...
the trophy went to the couple who had the most water left in their bucket,
but.. when you consider what the race was like for the pair who came back with an empty bucket..
"...i don't even know where my bucket is.. it fell out of my hands on one of those crazy turns!.."
-who do you think really won.
The more things change.. by (me!) sandra, tvgp
must have insomnia then.. told me he goes to bed at 7pm, but text me 11pm-ish
What are you wearing?
-which now of course sends me into fits of audible laughter
well, i don't have any fingernail polish on...
***
hope you feel better baby...
***
Keith Watson.. by (me!) sandra, tvgp
"hi keith!". /in case he reads my blog today..
hope you feel better soon.. my instructions for anyone with the flu remains the same year after year because of the successful results:
prayer, water, rest, medicine, comedy & a pedicure!
***
ive nicknamed you watson -keith Watson, -because you text like a chatbot.. in 2 - 3 word generic catch phrases...
hey you
so, I shall speak your language here for optimal communication purposes:
feel better.
yes.. mmm hmmm.. exactly.. by (me!) sandra, tvgp
super soulers... cynthia bond described things so accurately; so succinctly and perfectly.. there is really no need for it to be explained by anyone else ever: when a person is raped/abused in any way, -the predator literally puts their toxic poison inside you. -writing releases the toxins back out.. /it is one of many ways to release/heal..
/perhaps we can make the leap, that the more writing you do, the greater the amount of toxins you had to release...
***
and yes to the gentleman who made the distinction between soul and spirit: -the soul being the part of us that attaches; and the spirit the part that needs to be free...
why we so frequently hear the references, 'anchor for my soul' and 'so n so is a free spirit..'
and it is true for me that having an anchor for the soul, is practically a prerequisite for enjoying a free spirit..
***
LOVING Oprah's 7 part belief documentary! -wow.. and, i love to find and think on common denominators: water as a cleansing, outward symbolic gesture of an internal desire...
-the pattern of 'the world' sending the deceitful message: you are not enough; never enough, vs. God sending the truth: you are enough, a beautiful unique masterpiece, made from and with love..
and there is lots more of course, but I close here with this fascination..
-that sensation inside human beings.. reported by too many human beings to calculate: 'something is missing, but I don't know what it is..'
where/what -biologically/physiologically/neuroistically speaking, is the compass/radar/tool/mechanism.. inside us, that allows us to describe whether we feel whole vs. feel that something is missing..?
***
nope, one more thing: it is a wonderful question; very popular question, and I think everyone should contemplate the answer for themselves..
"Is it enough just to be a good person? or do we need God?"
*** IJN, A!
MATytiru. by (me!) sandra, tvgp
so, in my 20's, i'd be on the phone with keith, and at the mere hint of a suggestion, not even an official request or invitation...
next thing you know, im in his house...
and as ive mentioned, during this stretch of time, we never
-not once! went on a public date. -and as you can see, -why would we? i created no need, necessity or desire.. had no requirement or standard..
and even write now today, all these years later, at the sound of his voice on the voicemail, the engine in my jeep blue see starts up almost all by itself...
and i swear to you, a few buttons on my blouse, like popped open on their own..
/who else can hear the magic man song playing in the background?
.."but mom... he's a magic man..."
anyway.. im a little bit older, and a little bit wiser now.
/write Jesus...?
and so im tellin' you, the same thing i told him
correction: ..im blogging for you, the same thing i texted to him:
..are you respectfully asking me out on a hot date? somewhere really special.. -in public..
somewhere that requires me to dress up a little.. and has a nice selection of wines..
where you come over and pick me up, and say hi to the family, and tell me I look nice..
and then
never let me go.
***
and he STILL has yet to ask me out on a hot date. but i have the socially awkward question waiting for him if we do..
its not the kind of question you can ask over the phone or via text. -very important this question is accompanied by direct eye contact..
***
anyway, he claims he wants to see my gray hair..
***
not just anyone is gonna get to run their fingers through MY gray hair, i promise you...
***
speaking of promises.. time for bible study:
In Jesus Name! amen
Wisdom vs. strategy, wonders (me!) sandra, tvgp
there have been occasions in the past where i took my conservative, practical, pajamas -and paid to have them altered into something that would prevent sleep vs. induce it..
and with new prospects on the horizon, i thought maybe it might be wise to take in my happy giraffe pajamas and have them altered..
just in case.
and so, i brought them in, and laid them on the counter, and asked the handsome young gentleman "what can be done to these, do you think, that would make them all sexy?"
and he said, "put you in them.". -with quite a twinkle in his eye.
and i smiled very big at that answer...
and brought my happy giraffe pajamas back home in the same condition they left.
FOTS FAMILY: from (me!) sandra, tvgp
you need:
1. a lucky number. /self explanatory..
2. your word. /one, or two words which capture your essence
3. one or more favorite quotes, at the ready..
-all of the above are allowed change with time.. -because.
Blessings! In Jesus Name, -amen..
Who Wants A Ride In My Jeep Blue See! a poem, by (me!) sandra, tvgp
Who wants a ride
in my jeep blue see...
Jesus has the wheel; im in the drivers seat..
riding fast, riding high..
this life at faster pace
dressed in spiritual armor
~in love with the human race...
it IS first a feeling.. for more than just (me!) sandra, tvgp
"...i feel a poem comin' on..."
The Heart Seen.. by (me!) sandra, tvgp
..in my peanut butter... these are starting to bud a collection of their own...
tips for stalking former lovers -from (me!) sandra, tvgp
if youve read me for any length of time you know.. i was born without a GPS inside my brain.. the kind that helps you orient yourself, and distinguish between north, south, west, east.. left, write.. and.. which way did I go again when I found this bathroom? -and how do i get back?
but im telling you... even though its been like, a million years, since ive been to keith's house..
i think i have a gps for that! /or, rather, if we want to reference from prior post: ..for THAT.
Stalking tips: -you will not need a GPS, paper map, or to ask for any directions.. just follow your broken heart.
you do need: reliable stalking transportation, 1/2 tank gas.. binoculars..
***
he's been trying to lure me back in..
***
"what are you wearing?"
"my sexy happy giraffe pajamas...
***
turns out,
.. not much has changed...
(me!) in the jeep blue; "see!"
"There really is a money tree!". knows, (me!) sandra, tvgp
"There really is a money tree! its in capital one's high interest rate pre~approved auto loan's backyard...
and they planted them for people like (me!)...
***
today i will be visiting a couple car dealerships... and im bringing my invisible best friend Jesus with (me!)...
amen.
WELCOME to FOTS, by (me!) sandra, tvgp
come one, come all, come as you are.. bring a neighbor, bring a friend, bring a friendly neighbor, family member.. no lack of seating -its all online in the blogosphere..
"k. in order to officially join FOTS, you must know what that stands for, -anyone?
that's write! fruits of the spirit.. Of the SPIRIT.. very good.. and what kind of leader would I be if I did not immediately digress from the main topic with a little bit of trivia for you..
what fruit was it in the garden of eden that caused the whole big 'everyone is now a sinner mess...'
/please hear here the exaggerated/highly animated voice of robin williams:
NO! IM AFRAID YOU ARE WRONG ABOUT that sir.. it was not the apple in the tree.. it was the pear on the ground..
.. /my dad planted all these little jokes, i cannot resist..
but did you know, the bible never actually references an apple..
we projected that over time... and what a great example of iconic branding! the association of eve with an apple..
and may i recommend here, a quick re-scan, when time
allows, of genesis... -quite fascinating.. and! entertaining
if i were to paraphrase.. not the words, as much as the behavior, it would look something like this:
GOD: I've gifted you with life.. enjoy! everything here in this garden is yours for the taking... -except THAT
/and isn't there always one exception... to like, everything..
SATAN: mmmmm.... hey eve... take a good long look at THAT!
EVE: THAT sure looks good... hey adam...
ADAM: THAT ... is really good!
***
GOD: / i knew this kind of thing would happen.. the second i gave them free will... honestly...
..adam .. what do you have to say for yourself?
"eve made me do it!". -in today's talk, we call this, 'throwing somebody under the bus..'
..eve.. what do you have to say for yourself?
" satan made me do it!"
.. and THAT is what happens in my next movie, called Free Will Hunting.
anyway.. where was I.. Oh yes.. FOTS.. fruits of the spirit..
obviously everyone who is an official member of FOTS should be able to name what they are..
and one of the first things that separates us from the other 500 denominations is that you are not required to memorize them...
great if you can... but feel free to jot them on a piece of paper and just read them if and when you're asked..
THAT's it for today... walk in love... see you next time...
the cloud... as re-considered by (me!) sandra, tvgp
my dad called me this morning ... part light~hearted/part serious follow up on my new bible study class, and our discussions on the book of revelation..
he goes, "...so did anyone discuss the end of the world? do you know what day?"
and i part light~hearted/part serious said, "well, we don't have an exact day.. but everyone is in agreement that we are closer today, than we were, say 2,000 years ago..."
***
and ill tell you what i continue to have fun with... its considering our current use and definition of the word cloud.. -how all of our technological/digital information is being stored 'in a cloud.'
and then projecting today's definition onto the word cloud in the book of revelations...
'of course he'll be in a cloud.. everything is in there!'
Consciousness Awareness Capacity Question from (me!) sandra, tvgp
dear neuroscientists: I joined a new club. they have a given icon. I now see the icon, and recognize the icon, -all over the place!
and they've always been there, but I'm just now noticing..
and so, it got me to wondering.. With use of imagination only..
-let's say.. I joined a high, high number of clubs
and each club had a unique icon.. and now I see an icon there, and an icon there..
I can recognize and hold up to how many icons in my consciousness awareness at a time?
***
same book/different chapter: review:
it has to be that memories are stored in the human brain, in a way similar to how .. like, digital articles/info with hyperlinks..
-once there is a link.. as the reader, you have to consciously decide whether to click on the link or not.. and of course.. there may very well be more new links once you do..
if you click on too many.. you lose sight of the original info you were reading/processing..
so, at the age i am now.. I encounter multiple different links during the course of any given conversation..
and it remains my exercise to recognize them, but without jumping in redirecting the conversation..
-this reminds of that;that reminds of this; -which reminds me of this, and that..
and I'm giving myself a good report card for today, because there were several! triggers.. with the potential to link..
but i refrained.
YTIRUTAM as experienced by (me!) sandra, tvgp
now, in my early 20's.. we did have telephone recorder machines.. an odd technology to acclimate to.. and if you look back, the panel cartoons of the time capture how awkward it felt to
1. record your own voice for the, 'hi.. this is sandy, im not home write now, please leave..
/laugh; giggle... how 'bout i leave it like that.. 'please leave..'
and it might take, 4 or 12 times, before i could successfully record a message that asked the caller to leave their message.. but
2. leaving a recorded message on someone else's phone recorder..! this seemed like, at the time, one of the scariest things ever..
when you are creating your own message, and you mess up..no big deal really.. erase/erase; start over..
but when you are leaving a message on someone else's recorder and you..
"Oh my God.. I messed up! I messed up?!?! -what do I do?!"
and this helps explain the rise in unarmed home burglaries during the time, because under certain circumstances your only hope for recovering from a stuttering, stupid, message you left
was to break in their home and steal their machine. and you'd be pretty impressed with my collection..
anyway.. some people were gifted with the ability to both record very relaxed and natural 'leave your name & number' messages and equally relaxed and natural and all sexy and cool at leaving them:
"......... sandy...... this is keith..... im making dinner.... and i was wondering... should i set the table for one, -or two?.... call me..."
if i were to retype write now just how many times i played this message back, it would take up about a 70 page ring binders worth of e-paper...
so smooth, this guy...
and can you please imagine, getting to hear the voice that made your heart leap in your early 20's...
getting to hear it again at almost 50!... well,
i'll tell you what i texted him:
in my early 20's i played those messages back at least 20 times..
but i am in my late as you can be 40's.. so,
no more than 3 times.. im not about to ...
okay. 7 times maybe...
-because it turns out i am in love with his voice.
Dear Congressman Eric Swalwell, from (me!) sandra, tvgp
1. the very first sentence in this letter reveals the fact that my letter was not properly read or understood.. as I made an extra effort to be clear, I rather think, your office receives more correspondence than you can respond to..
which is certainly not a crime. -and/or, once the words/reference, rape kit, was read, the rest of my letter was skipped, and I got thrown in the pile to receive the generic rape kit response letter.
-I understand how and why this happens, and so.. I have no I'll will toward anyone..
But feel compelled to repeat.. My concern is not with the backlog..
it is with the time/money/resources used for backlogged rape kits that are not necessary for identification or prosecution..
please see previous letter...
and keep up the good work.. fight the good fight.. and all that jazz..
blessings, your understanding and hopeful constituent,
Sandra Harrison Kay.
from God.. to (me!) sandra, tvgp
trust me.. I don't fully understand and can't articulate how these communications take place.. but here it is verbatim:
the message of sin and redemption went wrong.
***
and so i will be thinking on this also... where/when/how/with who..
what was the correct message vs. wrong. -specifically?
from God.. to (me!) sandra, tvgp
trust me.. I don't fully understand and can't articulate how these communications take place.. but here it is verbatim:
the message of sin and redemption went wrong.
***
and so i will be thinking on this also... where/when/how/with who..
what was the correct message vs. wrong. -specifically?
STOP letting the unimportant be so important! teaches (me!) sandra, tvgp
welcome to my church of fruits of the spirit.. I have only a little time, and so I am going to provide only two concrete examples, and your job is to keep your antennas up, not only for the two I will mention, but anything that smells, looks or acts the same, -k.
it is UTTER and COMPLETE nonsense, to invest more than 2 seconds of your very precious, one and only, short life to any argument regarding whether toilet paper rolls should be placed so that you tug the paper over vs. under.
if you have plumbing, restrooms, toilet paper.. be grateful. wash your hands after you wipe, - carry on..
***
do not allow yourself to be pitted against anyone on trivial matters.
***
bottle fed vs. breast fed.. you know what.. love your baby;feed your baby.. don't ignore your baby/don't starve your baby..
carry on...
The Church of the Fruits of the Spirit. By (me!) sandra, tvgp
/here I was going to try and not repeat myself.... see how hard!
***
have you ever wondered about the existence/origins.. why there are so many different Christian denominations.. each with their own forms of religious government, rules & regulations..
ive decided to start my very own church too! -for the same reason, no doubt, all these other people started their own denominations..
My church is called Fruits of the Spirit. We are Christian, in that we believe in the trinity: God the father, Jesus the son, and the Holy Spirit.. we read and study the bible..
But our entire focus.. primary focus.. is on developing in ourselves, and our children, and in our relationships at home and in the world, and as students, or leaders, etc.
Manifestation of Fruits of the Spirit, as described in the bible: love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control.
and very worth repeating, that what is most notable about the fruits of the spirit, is they have nothing to do with..
race, academic status, sexual orientation, gender, age, income level, career choice, etc.
Fruits of the spirit are applicable to ALL of HUMANITY..
and! please imagine results of person after person, family after family, neighborhood after neighborhood, society after society..
imagine the results of everyone working towards full manifestation of fruits of the spirit in their lives...
john Lennon suggested imagining no religion, no heaven.. nothing to kill or die for..
I get the sentiment.. appreciate the confusion..
but I would suggest.. Heaven is very real. And heaven on earth is experienced as each person experiences/develops/masters:
love
Peace
Joy
Patience
Kindness
Goodness
Gentleness
Faithfulness
Self-control.
***
All the rest of it.. Only men in leadership positions here but not there; how you can or can't be married depending on given denominations laws.. the silliness of heterosexual vs homosexual vs... pro-life.. On and on, etc, etc.. -all divisive...
what unites: fruits of the spirit...
if you would like to join MY church, say "thank you Jesus! & amen!"
-you're in.
Creatures at the Oakland zoo.. by (me!) sandra, tvgp
I am forever grateful to my son for putting the suggestion out there.. -its been a good, I dont know how long time, since I've been to the zoo.. and,
I'm pretty confident it was the most beautiful, perfect climate day of the year for the sky ride! -I mean, my good God.. even if there were not such an awe inspiring variety of creatures to observe
Just to go on the sky ride and take in that panoramic... to see San Francisco so clearly in the distance.. awesome!
someone should create a sky ride across the globe...
anyway.. how utterly creative our God is! from the zebra, to the elephant, to the giraffe, to the sea otter, alligator, tiger, monkeys, goats, turtoises, bugs, birds, bears.. each with their very own look and purpose..
and each info plaque I read -think I stopped to read three or four.. And each one explained that the given animals life span was extended by several years in captivity vs. In the wild..
and we all agreed, that given the human analogy.. we'd all rather live shorter lives in the wild, than longer lives in captivity.
quality of life over quantity of years..
and it sure did seem to me,
well, it was hard to tell if some of the animals were napping/sleeping vs. just bored to near death.
***
same subject/different subject: Frickin' links..
on our way to the zoo, I'm on 580.. I pass a memory trigger. And out pops the memory.. I start telling my son and niece the story:
"I broke down write about here.. no big deal, except I had called my husband (at the time) and told him I had a meeting and didnt know what time I'd be home.. 'Don't worry about me being late'
So! this is pre-cell phone, and post trauma.. Its late. Its dark. I'm alone. And my husband doesn't know to worry about me...
no way I can let just anyone who pulls over -help me. In fact, I was certain that if anyone did pull over, it would be to kidnap and rape me.. So I was all PTSD'd out.. in major fear
-turns out, a police officer.. !... was the first to pull over behind my car.. and the sight of that police officers car, and his uniform!
and not having to guess whether or not I was going to be helped or hurt..
-wow!! and I dont remember many details after that.. But I sure do remember the fear, followed by the relief..
moments/experiences for which you cannot say " thank you!" enough.
***
and all that being true.. the thing I most want to accomplish in my life write now.. as I am so overloaded with memories and memory triggers..
is to just stop responding on automatic pilot..
it is much harder than people think... same trigger/same story; ad nauseum..
I want to be fresh! unpredictable! new...
***
so, if someone says, "russell crowe" -for example..I am NOT going to repeat the...
I LOVE ALL THINGS SCOTTISH.. (me!) sandra, tvgp
i am so proud of myself, keeping my manners yesterday, when a couple walked in the store.. and i didn't explode out with "oh my God I LOVE kilts and tattoos!!". -because, you know.. sometimes people mistake this kind of thing for flirting.. I'm not sure what Scottish women do if they think someone is flirting with their husband.. and you know what, I have no desire to find out.
***
but I do go weak in the knees.. Very fond of kilts.. Tattoos.. the whole Scottish/Irish... way. So!
-how extra special that for my favorite high school event of every year:
SKITS! -the sophomores theme was SCOTTLAND! so, in the background of the comedy, the story, the entertaining narrative: the scenery and music/dancing and costumes were all..
" I got to see my son in a kilt..!". -not only that, but just seeing him on stage.. being funny, busting some dance moves, making the audience smile and laugh..
high of highs!
***
"They weren't kilts mom.. we just tied plaid shirts around our waist"
***
"I Love plaid shirts and tattoos!" and I love, love, love getting to see you on stage jack
watching you shine..
***
and everyone did a great job, no doubt about it. the competition between classes this year, seemed closer than last year..
/same, by the way, with the parents..
with so many funny, talented, entertaining, creative students on the amador stage, it might be hard to really know which parent in the audience had the most handsome, and the most entertaining..
but "I win!!"
and already can't wait for next year...
The Safeway Cam Antibullying Campaign, by (me!) sandra, tvgp
there is a Safeway grocery store on the corner of valley and Santa Rita in pleasanton. I wish we could put up a Safeway cam..
what you would see, is car after car in the parking lot, and person after person, family after family.. walking from the parking lot to inside the store.. doing their grocery shopping.. paying at the register, and then.. back to the parking lot, to their car, -and home.
AND THATS HOW IT SHOULD BE.
-what you don't see: car after car in parking lot.. driving around trying to find the safest place to park.. and then one or two bullies, hanging out in the parking lot, waiting to intimidate/block the person or family from getting out of their car..
and then another bully, blocking the entrance to the store..
and then.. threats and intimidation up and down the aisles..
and someone who traps you at the register, steals money.. and threatens that fellow bullies will be following you home..
making the entire grocery shopping experience a nightmare.
***
if there was anyone in the parking lot at Safeway intimidating/threatening or even bothering/annoying one of the customers..
the police are called.. and ... policy/protocol/laws are adhered to... and that problem, that person or people are gone!
***
in my almost 20 years here in pleasanton, I have NOT ONCE, had to worry about entering/shopping at this grocery store. and I'm very confident if there ever was an issue.. Even low key.. It would be addressed pretty immediately.
***
and yet.. School year after school year, class after class, we tolerate and/or ignore, on school campuses, what we would never tolerate or ignore at the local grocery store...
so, ... there you have my zero tolerance for bullies campaign.
if you won't, as an adult, put up with thugs and bullies at the local grocery store.. then why on Gods green earth should any child put up with thugs/bullies on the school campus.
Children should be able to get to and from school, and to and from classes with as much peace/freedom/confidence as anyone you see on my imaginary pleasanton safeway cam...
***
I propose.. zero tolerance. -that bullies be literally, completely removed from campus, and sent to a different school..
where they learn how to treat others with respect.. and must prove competence in this area, before they are allowed to re-enter the public school system to learn the less important academic subjects, we have, as a society, overemphasized for too long, and at the expensive of teaching and developing basic human character first.
like.. this is so exciting!!
hey.. whatdayaknow... its for (me!)...
Any day now... by (me!) sandra, tvgp
any day now i will receive a very exciting
-very expensive
letter in the mail. how do I know? -because I get them all the time! (Me!)... with a credit score of 2. and they all say the same thing:
PRE-APPROVED AUTO LOAN.
now, for over .. [2015-2007...] 8! years now I have auto~matically tossed these letters in the trash can.
please forgive. I mean, the paper recycle bin of course.
but there are a couple things going on with my famous writeousmom~mobile these days that are encouraging me to maybe open and read the details of my pre-approved auto loan:
like,
1. -I have been without air conditioning for 3 years now.. because the diagnoses was not.. the inexpensive/obvious fix.. -of course... "The problem is deeper than that.. ". -requiring more money than I have and more than I'm willing to save for..
so I sweat for free, without even having to exercise.. its like my very own portable hot sauna on wheels..
2. a strange glitch creates it so that sometimes.. -not always; but sometimes.. when I put it in reverse and step on the gas, it does nothing. But! if I put it then, into drive, and move forward 1 inch, and then put it back in reverse and try again... back I go. Works fine.. but how long before I need to put it in drive, then reverse, then drive, etc. -and I am with some concern the gears have acquired a stubborn mind of their very own..
3. it has on multiple occasions now, sputtered and stuttered, and jerked back n forth when I am just driving down any given residential street going 25...
and -please.. nothing
NOTHING would be more embarrassing to me write now than to have the damn thing break down on me 3 houses down from where "I think I remember where Keith lives!"
women need reliable cars for stalking...
***
now.. I'm torn here... Audi convertible, which I have dreamed about for
ever. Or, .... I think what I really want is a jeep!
so, I keep rubbing the dashboard and talking sweet to my 2007 Saturn hybrid vue.. "Hang in there baby..
we've got kids to get to school.. a job to get to.."
but I'm thinkin' it might be time to
open one of those envelopes.
***
for 8 years worth of reliable transportation and every fun memory -cool place -great experience the Writeousmom ~mobile has provided
/see please: the fake tow truck car stealing operation..
a prayer of gratitude. In Jesus name, -amen.
on bees and bullying.. by (me!) sandra, tvgp.
i was at McKay's irish taphouse recently to have a cold beer, a house salad and study/read for the new bible study group i joined recently: BSF.. bsfinterantional.org. /quick "thank you!" here to Lana..
so, im sitting at my table, trying to read and eat when a yellow jacket starts buzzing all around my food.. and my body.. and the table in general.
-pause here and reflect on how you handle the same situation..
it is as annoying as all get out.. the thing is coming up over here and then over there.. and you don't know quite where he's going to show up next.. but this one
-one- tiny yellow jacket is interrupting an otherwise very wonderful meal and productive study time. i can no longer concentrate.
***
so, i go to one of the servers.. "there is an annoying yellow jacket i can't get rid of.. do you have something.. some food, it will be attracted to i can put out to distract it?"
and so the young woman gives me a small black plastic sample size cup, with a piece of meat in it that had fallen on the floor, and would otherwise just go in the garbage..
and i set the trap on the far away side of my table.. and very quickly.. the yellow jacket started clinging to the meat..
which gave me the opportunity to cover the yellow jacket and meat cup with an extra large plastic cup, trapping the yellow jacket entirely! and then you'll never guess what happened after that:
i ate, and read, and studied in utter peace for the balance of my stay there.
***
it made me think of bullies. how easily just one or two people can ruin, and make miserable, otherwise perfectly wonderful situations..
and some people think you should just ignore;
and some people think you should endure;
and some people think you should bully back..
But when I remember.. the misery; the interruption; the inability to focus on school itself..
what i sure do wish... is that someone could have found a way to just make them go away.
i could have studied and read in peace! i rather think students deserve this.. i might even go as far as to say.. students are entitled to it! -that navigating around and confronting violent intimidation and various types of bullying everyday is NOT
and should never be considered 'a rite of passage'
but rather.. students should be able to attend school in peace. period.
and so, it left me thinking.. what is analogous to the meat cup and larger plastic cup trap?
***
and then i was quite entertained thinking about things like.. underground casinos; virtual life websites, strip clubs, popular drugs/clubs; red light districts... any variety of 'meat' cup that first attracts and then traps.. -and how these places help magnetically remove, by way of distraction, exactly the people who are attracted to these things.. -from environments where those things don't exist.
rEVOLc... as seen and thoroughly enjoyed by (me!) sandra, tvgp
I dont have the camera equipment to do this moment justice.. But only from a very specific spot, the reflection through our window, revealed only love, -spelled backwards.. because it was from our across the street neighbor business sign that reads, clover creek. -the extra cool part, was if I very gently swayed on my feet.. only one letter would appear at a time..
E
V
O
L
-but you couldn't see the word creek at all, and the C and R, at the beginning and end of clover were not viewable either..
I hope you can kinda see what I saw.. If you are able to zoom in on this..
when the very next customer came in, I was like.. 'Do you believe in signs and wonders?'. -and I had her come stand next to me to see it too..
these things are not lost on (me!)..
it is just below the arm of the street lamp in the distance..
only from standing exactly write here...
The Heart Seen in the back wiring of LOVE sign
Labels: .
Zero. By (me!) sandra, tvgp
I think it is impossible from this age out, to go an entire day without a memory trigger. But what day/time did that become true?
What we mean when we say men are like dogs. By (me!) sandra, tvgp
Please. The last post triggered my.. k. its yet another time, a male that was asking me a question was in anticipation of me saying things that might sexually excite..
but.. I did not understand this Pavlovian world yet.. And so, once again, I no doubt killed any arousal with my very thoughtful, and once again, literal response
I think I may have even provided a demonstration that went something like this:
k. We have this dish rag.. /pull dry, used, dish rag from near sink..
all crumpled up..
and then.. k. let's say I turn the water from kitchen sink on..
let just a little be absorbed by the rag.. watch the rag get wet..
/check here, make eye contact with male.. like, -are you watching?
and then I saturate the rag with water, and its all open and heavy..
-see?
.."and then to answer your specific question..."
this is where I squeeze the rag, short, repetitive squeezes, where a little water drains out..
"Its kinda like that. "
***
so, we see that the learning curve for me, sexually speaking, was not really a curve at all really; much more of a cliff.
***
Two. by (me!) sandra, tvgp
1. Stephen Colbert is the salt & the light of late night comedy.
2. There is absolutely no valid reason The Voice shouldn't be aired, fresh and new, 7 days a week/365..
..when you consider the human population and how many people have had their vocal cords kissed by God..
we could literally be witnessing a new singing genius everyday...
/sing this with me.. in the voice/tone of hozier..
"...AAAaaamen, amen..."
3am -as remembered by (me!) about (keith!)
-too fun swapping memories..
my turn: k. you had a few years and some experience on me..
so I remember.. /can't stop laughing write now..
I remember.. one time we were on the phone, and
[Thank you again God this was way before cell/camera phones. As a matter of fact, if there is still anyone out there who questions the existence of God.. the very fact I met keith before cell/camera phones is proof enough for me...]
..yes. .. we were on the phone, and you were being all sexy, and I was being all.. not.
not because I didnt want to, but because I just didn't like.. know how.
but I suppose between TV, and friends talking, and random exposure in the everyday world, I was starting to get little inklings..
but your motives when talking vs. what I was capable of picking up on and responding to...
grand canyon gap.
and I remember during one such conversation, how you made your voice all sexy, and you said to me..
'So, what are you wearing...'
and I remember glancing down at myself and then reporting to you.. Like, -exactly what I was actually wearing
"Oh.. I have on my stripped long sleeve sweater with the snag in the wrist.. and my khakis.. and this necklace my friend made.. "
and probably I went on and on..
and probably you had to be just cracking up silently and using your imagination to create a little different outfit..
and we talked and talked ... and you no doubt kept trying to make it sexy/steamy, and I just didnt have a clue..
Until around 3am.
because vivid as my own hand is to me write now.. I remember waking up abruptly all alone at home..
and my brain was replaying our conversation over and over..
and.. how it finally hit me, I don't know, but I sure do remember the physical/mental punch..
"Oh my God.. oh my God.. When he said ..'what are you wearing..
That's when I was supposed to create a sexy looking outfit!
Sexy!! oh my God.. What did I tell him I was wearing again?!
What I was actually Frickin wearing!! -and the idiot award goes to...
***
and I replayed that conversation 100 times.. and spent the rest of the night coming up with ideas for when and if you asked me that question again..
and then tormented... Because.. What if I already blew it...
***
spent the whole next week or month or maybe even year, beating myself mentally up, repeating my pathetic reply
" what are you wearing?"
"Oh.. plaid flannel pajamas..."
"What are you wearing?"
"Oh.. the hand me down Capri's my neighbor gave me last year and this top my mom bought for me on sale at the mall... brown. collar. Long sleeves. I'm not sure what fabric this is.. Let me check the tag.. polyester. Yeah... "
-will someone just kill me and put the world out of its misery.
***
and, but the sad part is.. dear sexy voice keith..
that I have no memory of whether or not you did ask me that question again, and..
if I was ever able to overcompensate for my disastrous unexciting literal answer...
I will not report. by (me!) sandra, tvgp
only those who understand; will understand.
***
i met keith at a dance club. -smooth dancer.. smooth talker.. great smile. absent the memory of many other details, i remember being invited to his home..
i think i lived with my friend Lisa at the time.. it seems to me I went to the extra effort to make a copy of my license.. and provide his name, number, address.. like, a bunch of extra information on the in case.
-on the, in case I didn't make it back. I always needed someone to know where I was, who I was with, when I'd be back..
because let us here remember that by the time I was 21 years old, I had already been kidnapped and raped three different times + alcoholic abuse step father + bullies at school.. Undiagnosed/untreated PTSD.. a list I do not care to repeat so often, but which does factor in quite heavily on all my subsequent behaviors and decisions, for good or bad..
and one thing I remember quite vividly, is that on my drive over..
I had made a pact with myself and with God.. -that should anything happen to me,
like sexual assault of any nature;
I would not report it. -the reason I would not report it, is because I was fully, completely, consciously aware of my actions/decision:
going over to a relatively unknown males house, in the evening, by myself. -I assumed the risk.. and if it turned out bad;
I only, exclusively, had myself to blame. Period.
***
retrospectively, I see a very traumatized young woman trying to regain control. stupid and brave.
***
as it turned out.. there was no assault of any kind... no undue pressure..
-just the type of kiss that creates its own momentum..
***
retrospectively, I see that having taken such a risk.. and having it turn out well..
well, this may have added to the bliss factor.
I felt almost...
almost..
very close
to
Normal.
***
