Sunday, August 31, 2014

He Has A Name. By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

Im gonna have to skip, jump, twirl and just cut to the chase here. Anyone who saw "Kissin' The Chocolate Blues" is already caught up, -here we go:

Rick Cahall.. Who i still do not have a term of endearment for..  He is, as ive already mentioned, -retired San Leandro Police Officer..

And.. This naturally leads to: 1. Conversations which include (but "thank you Jesus!" Are not limited to) the topic of the Lakeside Rapist

He is also in contact with.. Detectives/officers that served on that case..    Skip/jump/twirl:  he mentions 'they have a name'

Stir spoon in opposite direction

And, 'he was locked up -is serving a life sentence'

(I will return later to discuss those two words: life. Sentence.)

But i am about to BULLET POINT..  Oh! My God everything has thirty three possible meanings..!  Anyway

*  'wow..  He has a name.  Of course he has a name; an actual name.  His birth certificate.. It doesnt read first name: Lakeside. Middle Name: serial. Last name: rapist.   ... Utterly fascinating..  I wonder, wonder, wonder,

What IS his name?  ..very, highly, curious.  -with a gigantic caveat!

There is a galaxy size gap that exists between:

"This is the man we THINK it is..


" this is the man we believe it is...


"This is the man who evidence points to..


" this IS the man."

I only, exclusively am interested in the actual man it was; is;  -if there is even .002% percent chance of error

And based on my life experience to date, i know there is unfortunately a very high potential for error

But unless 100% certainty; i have no interest.  I just like being splashed in the face with that idea; that fact:

   -he has a NAME.  And for reasons i certainly am unqualified to explain: i like tossing around possibilities for what his name might be..    And for reasons way beyond my comprehension; and with apologies to any good human being with this name..  -the very first name that came to mind was..


Like, doesnt that just switch a flip in your brain and imagination if you go suddenly from

"The LAKESIDE SERIAL RAPIST.."   ..and see composite drawing posters, and hear scary music..   To:

Alfred.    And see instead a snapshot elementary school photo.. And hear a kid playing at recess on the school ground or something.

Wonder what the heck happen to Alfred that he was once a probably terribly darling elementary school kid..  And then fast forward..  Is robbing, raping, murdering..   And fast forward..

Either died or is serving a life sentence.  I dont think in anyones imagination he is still living a life of serial raping crime.. And i dont think in anyones imagination he was never caught; repented; turned his life around..  And is now living a happy, healthy life, raising happy, healthy children..

But who knows, -write.  Everything is just that: imagination; projection; guessing; assuming; statistically speaking; predicting..

I wish that i could KNOW what i will always just have to occasionally wonder.

/i am aware here of all my own psychology..  A student still of my own reactions/behaviors/thoughts/coping mechanisms..  Processes..i am sometimes Un-Unconscious..  That is; conscious of things i used to be unconscious of...  Anyway..

Ive mentioned before how one of my Longings, deep in me still! Is the desire to meet the other victim survivors.. My sister survivors!  #1

-we were all given numbers; #1 comitted suicide.  -and by the way:

SHE HAS A NAME TOO.  -ive never been privileged to learn it.  -and i was told "the last one".  That is, the last woman that was raped with a rapist who followed the same M.O. within a geographical location that would have made authorties beleive it was their Lakeside Rapist..

She was also murdered.  -then the pattern broke.   " the last one"

SHE HAS A NAME TOO!   -though ive never been privileged to know it. I wonder what HER name is..  I bet it was something very, very, beautiful; soft and feminine and lovely to pronounce..

I was #2.   And somehow i feel very, very compelled to introduce myself write now

My name is Sandra Lynn Harrison Kay.

Now..  I was talking to both Rick and my sister about my deep, deep desire to get to meet #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9... Etc.

And Rick didnt think protocal allowed..  Or maybe its been so long they dont even still have the names..

But what a wake up my sister gave me..  Because, the way i process and think of it in my heart and mind and spirit..

I am deeply, profoundly, completely, utterly and permanently connected to these sister survivors even though weve never met.

"We were in the war together! We survived the front lines!"

But what my sister offered was very valuable insight.. She suggested that i was pretty far along; healed.. And in a good place.

But..  That might not be the case for the others..  That maybe they tucked it away..  And who would want to revisit and have all that ugliness and trauma all put back in their face..

And what if their lives are already a struggle write now.. And that would just make it worse.. And harder..   And what if theyve kept it a secret.. Etc.,

And i have to tell you my truth:

That i never once even thought of all that.  Ive always thought we could provide each other with a comfort

That only we could provide each other with; because only we know..

And it just seems to me..  That while all rape survivors share a bond of some strange sort..

Rape survivors of specific rapists share a specific bond..

I think the analogy is war once again; always as a matter of fact:

All veterans share a bond; the bond is stronger if you are in the same branch, I.e., navy, marines, army, airforce..

The bond is stronger still if you serve in the same war..

The bond is stronger if you survived the same ambush..

And war is war is war is war...

But my point is: those of us who survived the terror inflicted by..

Alfred.   We are one. 

In Jesus name.. I send you love.. Blessings... Healing..  And i know you each have a beautiful, lovely, feminine, very pretty



Caught in his riptide (me!) Sandra, tvgp

"I would be happy to be accountable IF IN FACT it was MY fault.  But it is not my fault im late today..   Its vance joy's fault.  -got caught in his riptide on 680..

Next thing i know im three exits past the one i was supposed to take.."

Friday, August 29, 2014

LAUGHTER IS... By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

Laughter is to spiritual strength; as exercise is to physical.

     -just try doing push-ups and laughing at the same time.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

You must read (me!) For content; not appearance. -sandra, tvgp

Auntie sandy: "what do they have you doing in english?"

Nephew:  "grammar"

Auntie sandy:  "oh. Sorry..  Well tell him..  Or her..  They can use my blog as an example of what not to do.."

Nephew laughs a little..

Auntie sandy:  "you must read me for content and not appearance!"

Nephew:  "oh good!  I will say that..  My aunt

Poet laureate...

And i quote..  Says..  Read me for content, not appearance.

So it doesnt matter if i spell things wrong or put them in the wrong order..."

Auntie sandy:  "that's write!"

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

If it was possible... By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

..I would hug and kiss my blog.  On three different occasions recently ive invested time and energy into things which someone else must -approve, before they can be seen or shared

To have this sacred space..  Where i do not need to first seek approval.. Where im not obligated..  Where im not required to jump through any hoops, where im not creating to make a good grade, or forced to reach a given demographic or population..where there is no deadline, no editor, no advertisements..

My God!  It is the very definition of heaven on earth. do a thing; just because you want to..

With no requirement or need to seek permission or approval

I will never tire.

"Long live the blogosphere!"

Sunday, August 24, 2014

A "how they met" winner! To (me!) Sandra, tvgp

Even though im no longer writing my 'how they met' feature for the pleasanton patch..  It certainly doesnt mean i dont still ask the question when i meet new people and/or couples..    -never fails to fascinate me on one level or another. But the answer i cant resist sharing..

Came from a customer named alaina.  When she mentioned her boyfriend..  I go, "so, how did you two meet?"

She goes, "at peets."

I go, "oh yeah..  Peets coffee?"

And she says, "yeah..   He had a hangover and i had two advil."

-smile everytime i think of it.   Talk about a match made..

Saturday, August 23, 2014

SAY THAT AGAIN.. For (me!) Sandra, tvgp

-they razed the building to the ground...

-I messed up on the data and so need to rescind the document.

Razed/rescind..    Is there already a name/category for words that sound a lot like another word that has the opposite meaning?

Bragging Writes! For (me!) Sandra, tvgp

And "congratulations!" To my cousin JASON VAUGHN...  Awesome!  Xoxo

FOCUS... By (me!) Sandra, tvgp


Everything that's going Write.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Public "thank you!" To pride & joy! From all of us..

And Carla for the picture...  Barones, music under the stars, Thursday august 21st, 2014.  "Your love keeps lifting us.. Higher!"

Public "thank you!" To Jesus.. From (me!) Sandra, tvgp

.. Remember my unnoble prayer..  It keeps getting answered! -honey.. It was perfect last night.  The climate! Oh.. You want to kiss the tip of your fingers; some gesture to express how wonderful..

Pride & Joy!  Looking and sounding as Inspiring as ever..  Impossible not to dance

Especially if you add on Mr. Motown.. Craig~y.. Who graciously shared their table.. Good company.. And best moves on the dance floor..

And beautiful Carla joining my sister and I for the first time..  Now she knows the source of the music she can hear from her home.. "Thank you!" For the bubbly.. Great visit.. All the dances..

Then in walks the A team from creative imaging..  Former coworker friends my heart smiled to see..  And couples, people we've met along the way. -fellow pride & joy groupies...  Barones music under the stars friends..

Felt Marys absence; her friends..  Sent a spiritual hug..

But I tell you.. At around 9pm.. 9:30..  When the patio dance floor is packed and dancers are squeezing in between tables and chairs; spilling into the walkways..  And the sky is dark enough for the lighted trees to illuminate the dance floor..

And pride & joy is performing their Michael Jackson tribute..

And there is nothing but happy dancing people everywhere you look..

It just doesn't get better.  And too much fun, because Coleman of pride & joy..  During the Michael Jackson thriller song.  He always comes, like,  out of nowhere and does the Vincent price part..

EXACTLY or maybe even better than Vincent price himself.. /I'm sure he smiles from heaven..

Anyway.. We've followed them long enough to know its coming.

But it is a -thrill-  of its own kind to be dancing next to people who are newbies..

Who have no idea its coming, and light up in surprise when they hear his voice..   Everyone just goes wild with appreciation..

And I just wouldn't feel write closing this post today without mentioning..

Well, for people visiting Barones outdoor/outback patio for the first time..  You can always see a pleasantly surprised sparkle in their eyes..  Its so beautiful! And I think its larger than most people are anticipating, and prettier; with the bar wrapped around a gorgeous tree..  All the cabanas.. Tables, chairs, multiple bars.. Spilling over in to another beautiful grassy area.. It just exudes great times ahead..

But this year..  Its their "super chic elegant" porta-potties that are earning the highest and most frequent praise..

"I've never seen such..  Such.. Beautiful bathrooms!"

Its true.

Two lines; one for men; one for women..  And a courtesy escort at all times to point in the direction of the most recent vacancy

And Inside..  Art, flowers, tile,   -you can't distinguish it from the restroom in a fancy hotel..

When the contrast mentally is the standard green single stall porta potty..

And instead you walk Into this luxurious lavatory..

Very entertaining to eavesdrop on the conversations..

They do everything write!  Mr & Mrs Barone.. 

Style and elegance and beauty and fun!    And if we lived where the CLImate offered it year round

Year round we would go.  "Thank you!".  Everyone in, around and behind the scenes that contributes to the magic

In Jesus name.. Amen!

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Dear neurosurgeons.. From (me!) Sandra, tvgp

K..  First you have to read my recent synaptical bypass surgery post.

Next.. Note this: if today you go to  -there is no search bar.  No way to research anything in the archives by article or author name or subject..

IF HoWEVER! You go to Google browser and type in,


Writeousmom pleasanton patch

Then! You are provided a list of articles I've written for the patch; not including the ones lost during the platform change though..

My point is:  there is a mother lode of articles in the website

Let that be analogous to memories in the brain.

But you can't get to them, the archives, from the actual site.

You have to use a different path!  -but many are still there.

See.   We need search bars, new paths to old memories.

Missing line = revelation for (me!) Sandra, tvgp

K.. So,

Every day, at one point or another, since I wrote the dragonfly drone post, my mind reminds me I need to include a very important missing line..

And my same mind that reminds me keeps also forgetting.  Funny how that works isn't it.

Anyway..  The very important missing line is this:

/"Hey.. I thought hummingbirds were the only creatures that could fly backwards"

And it should go write after I mention how the dragonfly backs up and centers itself in front of the open door.

Now..  Check this out:  I started to realize, at about 4:30am this morning. Like,  OMG!  -that's how us lay people can know!  -because God designs things like bumble and carpenter bees and dragonflies  to fly forward, write..  But! I'd bet big money on the fact that when nanotech people design drones that blend in with the landscape..

They probably make sure they can fly in every direction..  Write?!

... Stay with me here k... hummingbirds!    -ever wonder WHY or HOW it got to be that hummingbirds are the only ones that can fly backwards... 

These kind of ponderings make me very suspicious


Wednesday, August 20, 2014


AKA writeousmom, AKA auntie sandy:

".. That you will each experience that wonderful sense of accomplishment many times throughout the year..

The kind that grows both confidence in you and gratitude toward God"

In Jesus name, amen!

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Write around the corner (me!) Sandra, tvgp

Sunday, August 17, 2014

"Happy Birthday!" To the best mom in the universe..

  .. Nothing says "I love you" quite like spicy Portuguese linguica sandwiches..    Xoxo

THE TVGP PEACE PRIZE by (and for..and from..) (Me!) Sandra, tvgp

I'm 48 1/2 years old and I am at peace with both life and death.  -this feels like such a huge frickin' accomplishment; there oughta be a prize..

"Thank you Jesus!". -amen.



God has got me on some kind of.. "This is your life" program..

I have been so compelled to visit all my dearest friends.. Some I haven't seen in several years..

But! How wonderful!! How elevating! How fulfilling..

All my bridesmaids..  (Husband no more.. But bridesmaids forever!)

Plus.. Rick cahall from 20+ years ago...  Plus a recent visit with people from my childhood neighborhood.. + people from Jr. College days..

Former places of employment..   So many Faces, places, names  from my long ago and far away..

I'm like.. What is this Jesus?!  My final goodbyes? Are you about to claim me? Take me home?

But here's the thing: let's say that is what's going on..

I've had an awesome, big, wildly adventurous life.. An amazing family, the worlds best friends, two remarkable children..

And the God-given Gift, phenomenal experience of having my mind completely renewed.  The internal healing journey from severe PTSD to ..

Happy, healthy, creative, joyful..

Just to know it..    When I do die; it will be with a big smile.

In Jesus name.. Amen!

Synaptical bypasses. By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

HOW it occurred to me:   oh! Someone get Eric kandel on the phone for me again..   Points I need to make:

~ we are not computers.. But! NOTHING serves better for analogies; so..

From this phone I have in my hand write now, I can go to the internet and pull up my blog.  My blog, by the way, has over 2,013 posts..  Theres lots of stuff there, but that's not my point

MY POINT is..  The default setting does NOT include a search bar.  So I have no quick way.. Except to go literally post by post.. To find a certain story

IF however, I click on the hyperlink text which reads "web version"

Ah!  Now there is a search bar!!  And in it, I can type as little as one word from any given story/post..  And voilà!   Instant access.

SEARCH BARS are HIGHLY VALUABLE and I'm noticing that they are going missing as various technologies change..  Especially as we've moved from desktop computers to phones!

I.e., I used the phone I have in my hand to research a story I wrote for the pleasanton patch.  -when their website comes up..

Where has the search bar gone?   Mandatory for research..

And then..  Even with the search bar..  You can only access the 2nd part of a two part Interview I wrote about "Shinn".   Purple heart veteran..

When I asked the editor (remarkable editor, by the way.. Doing the job of 12 people I think).  -she explained that when they switched to a new format..  Everything prior to a given date...


All this is relevant to how our memories work; that's why I need to talk to Eric kandel..

-sometimes, the memories..  Our memories.. " they are there!". But we need the equivalent of a search bar..  A quick way to access them.  No search bar path.. No access to what is potentially a mother lode of memories..


Memories that no longer exist..


Memories that never did..

But let's stick with memories.. That do exist but that we can't recall for one reason or another..

Its because.. A pathway has been removed or blocked

So!  You're going to have to create a bypass..  Or a bridge.. Or a tunnel.. 

A new route to an old location.   May I also dedicate this post to all the neuroscientists and neurosurgeons in the world..

Synaptic bypass surgery ... For access to memories.

Saturday, August 16, 2014

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU... By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

What if...  

Out of nowhere

I walked toward you.  I whispered in your ear

A knowing given to me that without me; would remain secret to you.

"One of the 8 people you've talked to in the last week is the person who will catapult you into living out your dream."

Sit with this in your very own imagination for a while..

Write down what happens; note your thinking..

If you BELIEVED it was true... /and here we learn a tremendous amount what it means to believe; literally

Then you would certainly spend a great deal of mental time trying to remember the 8 people.. The past week.. Details of various conversations..

Your mind.. Almost of its own accord and training would start to choose, categorize.... Most likely candidate to least likely..

And maybe.. "The least likely IS the most likely!"

But one of the greatest reveals of this exercise is that your mind already knows, for you,  what 'living out your dream' means

What is it? Your dream?  Write the details.

Again.. If you BELIEVE it.. About the 8 people..

As you encounter them in the upcoming weeks..

And perhaps, post whisper, you go out of your way to see them again; and you would not have otherwise..

Pay attention to that.  PAY ATTENTION! To how that one whisper changes everything..

Try to ignore it.  Try to dis and/or un-believe it.  Try to not care..

It is an utterly conscious-raising exercise which helps reveal a whole (this one's for rick cahall) "plethora" of truths about how easily the mind is influenced

How said influence alter behaviors

How behaviors alter everything..

And how much our beings already KNOW...

And there is much more here too...   Much more; But start there:


That 1 of the last 8 people youve spoken to IS the catalyst of your dream.

In Jesus name,  amen

Friday, August 15, 2014

The Heart Seen... At Barone's Music Under the Stars by (mary re!)

...made all the more special because it was surrounded by the happy dancing feet of a whole group of us

Sending our Mary re off to Texas with lots of love.  Xoxo

Thursday, August 14, 2014

A to your Q. By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

Connotation:  courage/brave
Evolved denotation:  "conquer the world with kindness"

Reverse that. -always get those confused.. Denotation/connotation..

Japanese calligraphy.. But also same in Chinese I'm told.

It either didn't hurt at all or..
I have a very high pain tolerance.   Depends on who asks

Date:  walk-in appointment April 08, 2006
Place: in your skin.  Dublin, california
Tattoo artist:  "droopy"

/nickname based on his eyes..  And it feels important to mention that.

Inspired by the Symbol on a T-shirt I bought on sale at Macy's. Stone ridge mall, pleasanton..  Long time ago...  Probably a couple years before I got my tattoo.

It is currently my only tattoo. I want 1 more:

A hummingbird..

Going for the nectar.   /she says with a smile.

.. Have to get to Prague...

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The Heart Seen... By (cortney!) In the swimming pool

... Super cool.. Love this one too...

Every Morsel. A poem for My Robin Williams.. By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

I woke to this vision: my robin Williams.. He was in costume as Popeye. He winked at me, and in Popeye's signature voice he said, "that's all I can stands; and I can't stands no more!".    ...he gave and gave and gave and gave.. Didn't he. The man deserves some rest..

-his, are the only movies I ever tried to make a collection out of..  " the range!".   The Fisher King.. I personally consider a masterpiece..  One of my favorite movies of all time. Followed by a loooooong list of greats..  You know the list.  I admit there were 5 or 6 too dark for me to watch..  But! Most awesome interview:  James Lipton interviewing robin Williams on Inside the actors studio.  -where others could get only a piece.. James Lipton unleashed his essence.   Oh! I could go on and on..   I will in my mind and in my heart.. But to keep my long, deep feelings short; I offer a poem.


Another artist I hoped to meet

I hoped to meet "one day!"

Another artist gone from earth
Before I got to say:

"Thank you!" For the way you gave

The songs you sang
The lives you saved

"Thank you!" For the laughs, the smiles
Your inner child
That set adults on fire

Oh! Do I admire!

My gratitude
It searched for you
With a desire very forceful

       I wanted to say this IN PERSON!

That your artistic voice
Left me no choice
But to gobble every morsel

I wanted to meet you in PERSON!

What dreams may come
My dreams they're gone

Awakening; still searchin'

To thank you up close and in person.


What a legacy! Robin Williams!  I love and thank you! 

Monday, August 11, 2014

The dragonfly drone. By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

Now you know how I like to watch interviews with scientists and c.I.a. officials.. And filmmakers..  And politicians.. And artists...and..

So it was no great big leap of the imagination for me to respond as I did:

Customer said, "there's a big dragonfly in the store.."

"That's no dragonfly," I said with a smile, "its a drone"

/like, doesn't anyone else read about nanotechnology?   ..all you have to do is sprinkle a little nanotechnology in with miniature flying remote robots, add in all knowledge from spy gear from past and present wars..  Watch a couple sci-fi flicks.. Let bake at 365.  Pull out in 2014:

Yields drones so sophisticated they blend in with the natural landscape; bees buzzing, hummingbirds flying...

Dragonflies shopping.

"I would have never thought that," the lady customer said back.  And write about that time, the dragonfly hit the wall near the front door a couple times in a row.

I go, "he's not steering it very well though..."

She goes, "do you really think it could be a drone? That small?"

I know all about secret audio-recording too, so I made sure to say out loud.. "Little to the left"  to help the controller get his drone out the front door.  "Too far.. Too far!" -because then it was banging itself against the wall on the other side of the door.

Next thing you know, the dragonfly backed way up, hovered in the air a second, became centered in front of the open door

Then flew straight out with great speed and perfection.

"Good steering!" I said with a smile.

And the lady customer who had also been watching the whole scene unfold, she looked directly at me with an expression that revealed she was not quite sure whether she should take me serious or not.

And I thought to myself, -that's okay. -because I'm not sure whether to take myself seriously or not either.

Friday, August 08, 2014

Obviously im a genius then.. (Me!) Sandra, tvgp

So, I was watching this program on tv..  One guy, -he tosses out this crazy-complicated math problem,  -the kind it would take a person of average intelligence several years, and three calculators to figure out.  -but the guy he tosses out the problem to..

He solves it, like, in the blink of an eye. No calculator.  He just.. Knows.  -can't explain how he knows; he just does.

And well, let me toot my own horn here.. Because.. 

One day I saw a picture of some starving children in another country.. They had no parents (lost to war), no food, no clean drinking water, no school to attend.. No place to call home.

And as quickly as the math genius solved the crazy complicated problem..

Is as quickly as I was able to see..  With my heart, and not my eyes..

That..  Well, look what we have here in pleasanton..

Schools, homes, meals, parents, clean drinking water..

But those things alone do not solve problems..  /we do not live on bread alone..

Everyone needs love.

Love REALLY IS the answer.  And guess what God is...

You need a spiritual calculator to check and see if I'm write.

"Reading pleasure" photo by (me!) Sandra, tvgp

My God-given Writes..    Oh! Please.. So much I want to write!

Most important things said to me..  Stirring my soul... Stirring in my soul:

In a conversation with my rick.. (For whom I  still await a term of endearment that fits perfectly).  He said..  As he learned it:

"There is the letter of the law. And the spirit of the law.  -an example being, if someone is driving 29mph in a 25mph zone..  By the letter of the law, you could give them a ticket.  -but in spirit..."

Oh! It is an exceptional analogy for an Infinite amount of life experiences..  And analogous to old testament vs. New testament too!  -when I can really sit down and write...

Most Important thing mark said (red  -the thing that struck me..  Struck me!  How he explained..   How the war on drugs has actually contributed to the increase of human trafficking..  Prostitution/pimping,  -everything in that family of human writes abuses..   -because its all about money and risk..   And the way the laws are written..    Upshot:  if you get caught with drugs in your car..

Hard to defend.  But!

If you get caught with young girls in your car...   What crime?

..once again...   What I have already described as the greatest gap in American history:

And that is.. The gap between the intention of a law (what Inspired it) -vs.  The actual result.  -what actually happens once a law is passed and implemented.

Laws regarding sexual harassment for example.  -well intentioned.  But the Result...   Disastrous and painfully counterproductive.

Oh! When I have time to really sit down and write...

For this I pray. In Jesus name...  Amen.

Tuesday, August 05, 2014

The Heart Seen.. In my lasagna

   ..homemade by my beautiful mom... And delicious!

Monday, August 04, 2014

The Heart Seen.. In a log in montana!

  .. Auntie bragging writes....  Could these children be any cuter?!

C.I.A. -selfie. By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

I'll tell you the same thing I told my squidmann when I posed for the naked Hawaiian girl calendar

"I can't show my nipples!"

It has Nothing to do with being a God-fearing, church-going Christian..

The reason "i" can't show my nipples is because...

There's a secret code in there.  Yeah.  True story.  Fresh braille they call it.  -or flesh braille; I can't remember, but!

It can only be deciphered in the very cold and dark of night

By a blind, and hopefully ambidextrous C.I.A. agent

/or say, retired San leandro police officer.

It has nothing to do with morals.

-It's classified.

Saturday, August 02, 2014

"Lemon sherbert sky" photo by megan

   Love it!!  (Me!) Sandra, tvgp

Friday, August 01, 2014

"Stand on me" photo by (me!) Sandra, tvgp

The Heart Seen! On my son's arm

What a beautiful sign of healing...

Still processing... (Me!) Sandra, tvgp

Still processing:  the amazing family video I just watched last night..I could write ten more essays..

-my 2 hour meeting with Jane who has very generously stepped up to the plate to help me storyboard for the documentary I'd like to accomplish during my last year as poet laureate...

-our (jane/myself). 2 1/2 hour meeting with the people I report to as poet laureate re: documentary.  And JANES awesome presentation..  /still processing..

-my 2 hour-ish conversation with Mark Fisher from  Remarkable/wonderful..  Lots to process/reprocess..

Lessons learned this week from my spiritual mentors on TV and passages from the Bible; always processing..

Current events with friends and family..  Milestones, blessings, achievements..   Processing..

Friends and family in need of prayer..   Praying and processing..

How, couple weeks ago I was single, sex was so sacred, and I belong exclusively to Jesus.

-then look who Jesus sent..  Hallelujah!  ..suddenly...  Well,  -how did I end up on the back of a Harley? And skinny dipping..

Wait.  Sharing too much I can tell.

But that's not even the all of it...  

Life is crazy good.

"Thank you!" Jesus!   Amen.

Objects. By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

This is what an object is:  a thought made manifest; a thought evolved into physical form; tangible.

Where do thoughts originate?   Prior to human thought that is..

Because humans..

Were first a thought. were the heavens and the earth...

"Everything is first a thought.".  -whose quote is that?  It is correct.

Tangible Memories... By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

I cannot think of the word 'process' without hearing tavis Smiley's voice:  "how do you process that?" He's asking me.

My answer:  "I am still trying to process..!"

It is a very specific experience..   The current generation will not experience it ever with the same shock value or intensity because the current generation,  being photographed and filmed from the womb.. Through every stage of life..

The current generation, with the internet, Facebook, instagram, snapchat, pinterest, twitter..

The current generation with blogs, and tumblr and camera phones..

With twelve friends capturing life moments, each with their own individual camera phones; from every perceivable angle..

They are desensitized to seeing pictures of themselves.

They are -and will not be shocked years from now, to see a vine of themselves from years or decades past.

But for us..   My parents, born in 1943; myself, born in 1966,  my siblings, my peers..

It is just "WILD!".  .. I mean, it is one thing to come across pictures you knew existed; to see again, years later, pictures that had faded in memory and can be recalled.

But it is ALL TOGETHER A VERY DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE to come across pictures or video you never knew existed!

To come across what maybe you thought was only a memory in your heart and mind..

But you find out.. There is a tangible record!  Wild, wild, wild!

And I am deeply grateful.. And I am still processing..

(Dear brain initiative committee..  (Me!) Again..)

But I got to watch a family video last night..  And in it, among many other places and people and events:  my mom, as a teenager, snuggled up on a couch with her overly  affectionate boyfriend.. And a big kiss!..

My maternal grandfather with his banjo..(RIP)   Next to my mom-ma..(RIP),  aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends..

All as they were many, several, years ago..    Young, healthy,

Active and quite fashionable on a baseball field..  

Time travel.  Then.. To now..

It certainly helps remind me of the brevity of life..   -seeing my grandparents then, my uncle(s) then..  All now deceased..

And the brevity of youth and health..   My uncle so strong then, claimed by Parkinson's..

Current health challenges of my aging parents and relatives and friends..

Still processing:  -this is the reality of it all.  Dust to dust..

It is too remarkable and miraculous for words; human life.

And it seems ever more clear to me all the time:  we are not humans having a spiritual experience

We are spirits having a very brief human experience.

And now guess whose voice I hear..


"Life is a struggle.. I record it..  Hope it will help you maneuvering through yours

/or something close to that..

"Why I stay in the lab late at night..

I've been staring at these pages for over half. My. Life."

"Blue skies" photo by (me!) Sandra, tvgp