Thursday, April 30, 2015

Dear Brain Initiative Sub-Committees -from (me!) sandra, tvgp

-has anyone found the care neuron yet?

**

also.. as mentioned before.. I tell you:   I have had the experience of hearing a song for the first time, and in my imagination, watch an entirely choreographed dance number, with what appear to be master level dancers. 

how?

in practical real life

if you are a choreographer, which I have been, but at a very amateur level..

but if you are.. You have multiple exposures to a song before you choreograph to it..   and in your choreography, you do 8 or 16 or 24 steps at a time, go back, add on.. Make a change here and there.. Etc. Until you have a whole dance number.  -there are several practices, adjustments, rehearsals..

yet..  In my imagination, I see entire numbers,  -already complete.

How? How? How?

it is my great fantasy that there one day be a way to hook up some kind of technology which allows me to share what I'm getting to see

It is spectacular!    -but I can't seem to duplicate the experience even with exposure to the same song again..   -sometimes its nothing or its a new dance..

It is also very worth noting that I have no way to PROVE to you, that I am seeing what I see..   how could I provide evidence for anything taking place in my imagination?   -I have to count on you believing me..

but whether you believe me or not; it IS true...

so, as you research the brain..   Research in depth our imaginations;  evidence there of; what it means to believe vs. Know vs. Hope.. Vs. Wonder.. 

because that would blow my mind.. To know the origin/source; like, exactly how it is that I get to see these amazing choreographed numbers unfold before me..  that I myself absolutely did NOT choreograph..  how?   And it is my intuitive response..

/oh my God.. Don't forget to research intuition!!

but, it is my intuitive response, that I am the only one seeing this specific choreographed dance..

but maybe.. Maybe there is someone else on the planet somewhere who is seeing the same thing?  How wild would that be? 

And so I think about that today..  if someone heard the same song and saw the same dance with the same dancers I'm seeing in my imagination..   Wild!  

but doesn't it stand to reason.. That in order for me to see it at all.. It had to already exist?  Or am I witnessing a spontaneous manifestation of a dance number perfectly choreographed in its first effort; first unfolding?    -adding to my growing list of curiosities..

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

I Stand Corrected. - (me!) sandra, tvgp

i also recently wrote about how, based on my occasional tv viewing of the city council meetings..

/and, yes.. that tells you what an exciting person i am behind closed doors..   

well, that i was definitely left with the impression that unless it was absolutely mandated by law.. -there would be no affordable housing in pleasanton; period.

but!  This is not so...  because look here:

may I present, please, an excerpt from April 24th 2015 issue of The Pleasanton Weekly column, around pleasanton, by editor, jeb bing, which reads:

At the developers request, the council WAIVED the requirement (boy, requirement sure is a relative term here, isn't it)

WAIVED the REQUIREMENT to make at least 15%, or some 52 apartments, available as below-market-rate units. Instead, Carmel Partners paid the city $4.5 million when it took out its building permits so that it could offer (offer is an interesting choice of words here.. so generous in nature...isn't it)

So they could offer all 345 units at upscale rents.

***

so allow me to stand corrected then,  because EVEN WITH certain laws in place..

Still there is no affordable housing.

***

for the record, rent is scheduled as follows:

Studio/1 bedroom. $1,900 a month.
2 bedroom: $2,803 a month.
3 bedroom: $3,427 a month.

***

so, I'm looking for, like, ..   around 8 or 9 roommates to share a 1 bedroom...

Monday, April 27, 2015

Commencement speech for high school grads by (me!) sandra, tvgp

the best commencement speech ever.. goes to Ellen degenerous.

I won't even try to compete only encourage you to watch. Mine won't win any awards.  I'm not interested in winning awards. I'm interested, as God is.. in winning hearts and minds..

my commencement speech goes like this:

I was a juror. I listened to two separate "expert witnesses"  -with equal educations, experience, training give two entirely opposing testimonies.  they each were paid an enormous amount of money.

There are many lessons in just that one paragraph. -name them.

what is the most important one?

-learn to think for yourself.

In that order.

"Congratulations on making it this far!"

celebrate and carry on...

God loves you!

"Cheers! And amen!"

Validation day! for (me!) sandra, tvgp

very recently I wrote about how I disqualified one of Oprah's super soul Sunday guests because when answering the question, 'what happens when we die?'. -he answered, 'nothing.'

so I write away thought, or knew rather, that he is not at the master level.. Perhaps a freshman.. 

Because every spiritual teacher at the master level KNOWS the physical body is just a container; there is a soul or spirit.. Call it, label it what you want, but there is a part that lives on..

I explained that when someone does not know this.. Its not the same as just having a different opinion..  It is lack of knowledge.

Last night watching my taped show of Oprah's super soul Sunday, it was not one long interview with one spiritual teacher, but excerpts from several different interviews..

And to the question, 'what happens when we die'.  -they all communicated a part of us that lives on.

Each used a different vocabulary; said it in their own words.. But the essence of each answer was the same..

and I offer here.. That anyone who devotes time to meditation and/or prayer arrives, eventually, at that same knowledge.  

BIG DREAMS! BIG DREAMS! (Me!) sandra, tvgp

I ALREADY told you.. I do not even know how to dream small.

***

so, there i was..  spooning with Russell crowe at our 1,400 acre spread down under..

and then I, you know, kissed him some, turned him toward me..

I said,   "baby. look around."

and he looked around my body.  I laughed. I said," no, I mean look around you." And he looked around the room.  I said "no..

i mean, close your gorgeous eyes and look around in your imagination at the world around you.."

and so he closed his eyes.  And I kissed him some more.

And then I said..  "you know I love your work.. you are a genius at what you do.. God gifted you and you are not wasting that gift..

and you know I love comedies..  humor..  and you can do it all.."

and I kissed him some more..   and then I said,

"but when you look around the world..  Honey, baby..  Do you really think the world needs a thriller, comedy about the possible suicide of a fading porn star.."

he smiled. And opened his gorgeous eyes.  

I said,  "-you know I love you but I hope it dives at the box office."

and then..   After I woke him up.

I woke up too.

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Exit Interview: 8th Poet Laureate of Pleasanton, CA. (Me!) sandra, tvgp

who came up with the idea.. the genius idea of the exit interview? -a chance to share some truths which for a variety of reasons cannot be shared while you hold a given position, but which are of great value ultimately.. and so when it no longer matters.. that is; what can they do -fire you? you are already leaving..

ah, now you can tell the truth:

my truth is that I never wanted to be poet laureate. -ever.  are you kidding?  I saw how much time and effort and energy..  I don't have that kind of time, energy.. I'm using everything up just to keep food on the table and gas in the car..

It is, may I remind you "a volunteer position!".  -you don't get paid a dime.

I was perfectly content attending other poet laureate's events as an audience member and sometimes a speaker/reader..  I knew how much prep work to plan, host, market, promote.. Etc. Etc. Went into these events..   -no thank you. 

but that helps explain exactly why I did ultimately step up to the plate.  Because when I moved to pleasanton many years ago.. The writer in me looked for writerly things to do..  and so I attended who knows how many workshops, readings, open mics,..  That other people and poets hosted.  I am a direct beneficiary.

to not step up to the plate, in my mind, would have been to be an all take and no give person; which I am most definitely not.

Charlotte Severin called me and encouraged me to apply.  I have very high respect for Charlotte Severin, a great love and respect for the literary arts..  and I knew it was time to give back..

but! I also knew I was in no position to plan, host, market, promote, organize 30 different workshops like Deborah Grossman..

this position, may I remind.. Is volunteer. No pay. AND.. it all takes place in addition to the job you already have..  and on top of family and other life responsibilities..

I prayed on all of this..  before I set out to..  jump through several hoops which are required for this no pay, volunteer position.

Hoop #1.  application.  Hoop #2. 7 person panel Interview.  /we know how much I love to be interviewed, -write.   As much as I love public speaking..  Hoop #3 seems like there was another interview?  Hoop #4: city council meeting, reading, official approval.

K.  Begin:   I did host a couple workshops, and attend some readings, open mics..

Let me skip here to what Julie Finegan recently said to me..

"You did do some out of the box things as poet laureate."

and what I explained to her is what I will explain here.  I did not set out with an ambition of being out of the box..

Rather, I had a very realistic understanding of what I could and could not do based on the rest of my life; what time and energy I could actually devote.. and I knew I could not host lots of workshops..

"What CAN I do?"

Answering this question for myself turns out to have resulted in  two creative, first time projects, for me, that I am 1. Enormously proud of, and 2. Eternally grateful for..

Kissin The Chocolate Blues.. my onstage valentine for Dr Maya Angelou.. and, 8 shots of ink, my documentary which honors the history of the poet laureate program itself, and recognizes past poet laureates..

So!  None of that possible without green lights from the Firehouse Art Center administrators who I answered to, and collaborated with..

I'm extra grateful because it required a certain patience, generosity, diplomatic guidance, trust on their part, in helping me, a rookie/novice..   what was very basic/familiar/obvious to them, was bran new to me

-how many rehearsals?  what do you want on the stage?

I'm embarrassed to tell you.. I hadn't pre-thought of any of that..   Completely listened and made things up as I went along..

I only knew the big picture things.. The primary vision.  -none of the actual details.. man power.. Time.. Cost... Etc.

So "God Bless And Thank You!" to the FAC administration, tech team, AND to the talented, remarkable people who contributed to these two projects: Faith Alpher & Jessica Raeber (KTCB) and..

Casey Boyden, filmmaker, Jane Berry, production/film consultant (8 shots).   

Although I do not get paid as poet laureate, I do have a budget from which I can pay others..  So, the 1st year.. I pretty much exhausted my budget compensating Faith Alpher..    and! By any other standard she would have received much more money for her time, talent.. But she accepted a lower fee for the greater good..

You can't imagine how much that means to me.

and the 2nd year I pretty much exhausted my budget compensating Casey Boyden..   who we all know is going to have his name attached to great films in the future.. So, how blessed and exciting to contribute to his start and resume..  his talents exceed what this basic/interview format required, so I am grateful he scaled back for the greater good..

that means however, that all the talent, time, effort, expertise Jane berry contributed was.. Like mine.. -voluntary.

I am especially grateful, deeply grateful to Jane for all she did, -on top of having a high demand 50hr. Week plus job, a husband, son.. Family responsibilities..

the only reason 8 shots exists.. Is because Jane was on the team and at the meetings..  A true professional.  She created the spreadsheets, she negotiated Casey's fees on his behalf, she articulated my big, vague, artistic visions into a language the administrators understood and could actually green light.

I don't get the impression Jane believes in God.. But I have news for her.. 

God sent her to me..  that is the only viable conclusion I can come up with..   The literal definition of a God send..

"Thank you!". 

I pass the baton soon, my two year term is nearly complete!  I have satisfied my own internal need to give back and contribute. I can look myself in the mirror; sleep well at night..

and I have these two projects I'm so proud of!   I had all my favorite pleasanton poets on the same stage and that same time!  Jim Ott, Deborah Grossman, kirk ridgeway!  -awesome! 

I knew I couldn't take the baton and raise it.. 

In my 20's and 30's.. I would not have accepted the baton UNLESS I could raise it.

But in my late 40's..  I decided to accept the baton not with the intention of raising it; but! To avoid letting it hit the ground.

-applications were not piling up for the position..  each year the number of applicants was shrinking..

I think its because people started to really see how the expectation for this volunteer position was almost impossible to fulfill..

I think.. We need to lower the expectation, increase the gratitude..

and!  perhaps compensate financially the position itself.  

interesting the message it sends:   jump through these hoops; and then do all these jobs..    -for free.

so.. in between work and family for the past two years I have been doing these other projects on my days off.. Which means I haven't really had a true day off in a long while..  

I am really looking forward to having a true day off very soon.

thoughts and gratitude..   

~sandra harrison kay
pleasanton poet laureate 2013-2015.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

When I go.. I go. By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

let those who have ears to hear; hear.   PTSD was so life consuming.. as I healed there became opportunities for me to take self-defense classes..   This would make the most sense, yes?  yes.. Especially if you read my prior post..  But!  What I found, was that self-defense classes themselves retriggered PTSD symptoms and the battle would start all over again.  What I learned is that I was better off.. Enjoyed a better day to day quality of life.. Away from.. Without classes that retriggered.   Self defense needs to take place before to prevent..  start with a healthy mind.   -so, it seems the ultimate vulnerability.. I can't defend myself, really..  

Same with owning a gun.. It made things worse..

So, I had to surrender utterly..   the quality of my day to day life was so far superior as I healed from PTSD.. that anything, even if it promised to save my life, ended up so costly in terms of setting me back and re-triggering symptoms..

That I just had to say to myself and Jesus, "when I go; I go."

and for everyday of peace I experience.. I am enormously grateful.  for every symptom-free day..  or low levels..   I am enormously grateful.

"Thank you Jesus!".  Amen.

Thoughts on RAPE by (me!). sandra, tvgp

I feel somehow embarrassed..  over-qualified to speak on the topic; if you will..   -having survived not 1, not 2, but 3 separate rapes by 3 separate predators at 3 separate times in my life.

So allow that knowledge please to validate what Jon Krakauer had to say to my Charlie Rose..

he said, "i was ignorant im ashamed to say, about the seriousness of sexual assault and also how prevalent it is"

-you are not alone, Mr krakauer..  I think the majority of our population is ignorant about how serious and how prevalent.. 

So, "thank you!" for helping bring awareness..

and, as I have very recently been blogging about my experiences with PTSD..   -when I heard you also say,

"..the rate of PTSD in rape victims is HIGHER than the rate of PTSD in soldiers and marines returning from combat in Afghanistan and Iraq.."

-I am grateful to have this shared and validated.   And that is the part of this interview I'd like to specifically address because

..I have in fact given this a great deal of thought..   let me just bullet point:

1. The way I even learned I had PTSD is from watching a war veteran on TV discuss his symptoms and recognized all his symptoms as direct matches with my own..  -even though I had never myself been in a war..

that is,  war, as defined by society and colloquially understood as being in the army, navy, air force, marines..  In combat..

2. it was not until I came across a book about PTSD that I saw my freakish behaviors as symptoms.. and began the Loooooo-

very Loooooong, slow, painful, slow, long, very long, process of healing.

all that to say.. I've have given this some thought.   And I believe,

the reason  /excuse me Jesus, forgive me Jesus..  the cussing Christian is about to slip back again!

the reason rape victims  -when common citizens and not in the military..

the reason non-military rape victims experience PTSD at higher rates and perhaps more severely and for longer periods of time

Is because..

"No one prepared us for the fucking war we are in in the streets!"

-can you hear me?  Say amen..

I think.. At least when you are in the military.. Signed up or drafted..

You have some knowledge and understanding that you are in a war.  They give you a uniform. They send you to boot camp.. They warn you, prepare you, train you..

But who is telling our young women and men..  Who do not sign up for the military.. that whether you sign up or not..

You are in a war.  You are on the front lines.. In combat..

But you don't even know it.

Its the ultimate ambush.   -no prior training, no boot camp, no uniform, ..

There is a war going on in our streets, neighborhoods, on college campuses, in workplaces.. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

-and most people don't even know it.

so.. PTSD and war.. And rape..  These are all evil and horrific no matter what.. But!

It is my experience. That..   Well, when I listen to vets with PTSD..  In addition to being grateful for their noble service..  and having deep compassion for their PTSD..

my mind does also always think...  -at least you had some training.. At least you knew you were in a war...    -that freedom you are fighting for..

its not even on our own streets here in the u.s... its not in California..
its not on college campuses..

predators..enemies..  everywhere.   -the front lines of a different kind.. The ultimate ambush.

***

I am always cognizant of the fact everything I share about PTSD (and anything really) can be used both for the good; to validate and help others heal

and for evil.. when consumed by evil people with evil intentions who employ strategies based on..

So always I write in Jesus name,  in Jesus name..  My own intentions are to help..  I have no control over the intentions of who reads..

But I must address this also.  And point out I would not have written about this on my own, but only because when watching with my sister, this interview between Jon krakauer and my charlie rose..

When krakauer said, "people think it must be more traumatic being raped by a stranger who breaks in your apartment and threatens you with a gun, -its actually more traumatic, probably, to be raped by someone you trusted completely"

to which my sister said, "I don't agree..do you?"

-once again, I am embarrassed.. As I feel so overqualified to speak on the topic having been.. Yes..

Not only raped by an aquaintance I trusted..

But ALSO raped by a stranger with a gun.   -how 'bout that folks..

I can actually compare the two.. From my very own life experiences

I do not need to guess, or project, or say probably; I know.

But first.. To compare this is to compare something like losing your child to a fire, vs. A drowning, vs cancer, vs. Car accident...

it does seem common and innate in humans though to want to determine which is the very worst?  -when the end result is the same: great pain and suffering.

but, yes.  I have the opportunity to compare traumas so let me do so candidly:

for me.. my PTSD was intensified by the stranger rape.  Here's why..   I have been raped 3 times.   In the first, the rapist was found and killed in an unrelated circumstance, but.. He was found and he was dead. So he was no longer a threat.   In the 2nd rape -this rapist was found and successfully prosecuted spending 20 years in prison and then to be deported to his country of origin. -no longer a direct threat.

in the 3rd rape however..  This was a stranger whose face I only saw for maybe 1 second.  He continued kidnapping and raping and was never found or caught by the police.. That meant he could be anyone.. Anywhere.. Anytime..

and that is a very special kind of evil..  a very special kind of hell to live in....

In Jesus name I pray.. for all survivors!  And I thank every human being in the military

And I pray, that one day..  the very freedom you are fighting for everyday..

Will actually exist here in the united states of america.  -peace and freedom here at home.. What we call home.

In Jesus name.   Amen.

 

Friday, April 24, 2015

"The Heart Seen!.... in his 70's costume.. by (me!) sandra, tvgp

Dig this!  -groovy red heart shows up in the folds and shadows of his T-shirt worn on "era day".  dress for the 70's.   " far out man!".  -that's all I can say..       great shot cuz'

"Congratulations GSW!!" from (me!) sandra, tvgp

-as i recently took responsibility for Wisconsin's loss..   and explained in great detail why it was my fault.. and most sincerely apologized;

today I get to take credit for the warriors remarkable! Spectacular! Amazing-come-back-of-a-win.

What happen you see, is that during the entire first half I was at my sons baseball game.. Helping them win.  -and unfortunately, despite  today's technology, 3D printing,  -still we are unable to have a clone and/or be in two places at once in flesh and bone..    /although we can be everywhere in spirit, and image, but let me return to the game..

So, I walk in during the 3rd quarter, my dad has the game on.. I glance at the score..  What?!?   

I apologized immediately.  I said.. "Oh my goodness.. let me sit down and give this game my undivided attention so the warriors will win."

And how exciting!!  last time I had to say I'm sorry.  And this time I get to say..

"You're welcome!".   /least I could do..

"CONGRATULATIONS!   WARRIORS!".  -privilege to witness that level of talent..   determination.. skill... inexhaustible spirit...  -to the last second of the game; never letting up.. 

all day today I will relive different moments and just say 'wow!'

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Get eric kandel on the phone for (me!) Sandra, tvgp

-how is this analogous to how humans store memory?

K.. I want to find my self portrait poem somewhere in blog.  I go to the search bar..  If I type in self portrait.. Many posts.  But! If I can think of and type a word which..  One word! which is found only in that poem; exclusive to it..    -search will take me directly there.

Experiments/thoughts from past posts:    go to pleasantonpatch.com.   the search bar was removed.  You can only search history (synonym for memory) by going to google.. And cross referencing pleasanton patch and name of person, subject or article..

But only for articles that did not get entirely deleted when they changed platforms.. So!   -a go around, detour for history/memories

And!  Search all you want but some history/memories are. -gone.  -based on a date.. Anything prior to (said date) -gone.

I'm very suspicious that our brains/pathways to stored memories is similar or at least analogous to..

I sure would love to talk in person...   

Pain is my editor today. (Me!) Sandra, tvgp

Hand & wrist pain prevent me from typing much -I must be concise!

"What criteria does Oprah use to choose her super soul Sunday guests?".  -my sister's excellent question!

-because I have, in my own heart and mind, disqualified a few..

one of the spiritual leaders, when asked what happens after death, said " nothing."

-disqualified!   -this is not the same as not welcoming a different opinion..  its that anyone who has made a certain level of spiritual progress KNOWS the physical body is a container and the spirit or soul.. lives on.   Exactly how, doing what?  -but this is not the end.

So for me.. In this Interview Oprah is not Interviewing a master level spiritual teacher, but perhaps a freshman..

-same. With the one who said no one is broken..

-DISQUALIFIED!   honey, we've got addictions, neuroses, greed, insecurities, misunderstandings, ....    we are broken and need help evolving..

that's why we are even turning to spiritual teachers in the first place!

"Help!"

-so..  I don't know what criteria Oprah uses.. But I have my own..

and might I suggest Joyce Meyer as a master level teacher.  -why hasn't she been on the show?

In Jesus name,   -amen!

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

The essence of suicide. As seen (and experienced) by (me!) Sandra, tvgp

At the core:

the lie is this:  that what you are feeling/experiencing write now; is what you feel/experience for the rest of your life.  -which in fact, would make your life unbearable.

But it is a LIE!   what you are feeling/experiencing write now IS TEMPORARY!   -lasts longer for some than others.. But IT IS NOT FOREVER.. It IS temporary.

that's why I am fond of the saying.. Suicide is a permanent solution to what is a temporary condition.   <----  I can validate that.

just keep making it to the next breath, next hour, next day...

its worth it!!   In Jesus name,  -amen!

Isaiah 61:7 as experienced by (me!) sandra, tvgp

to young people contemplating suicide:

I did too.  More than once.

visit my website.  Look at the picture of me with my kids.

I am crazy in love with my children!  not one second of the awesome, extraordinary experience of being a mom would be possible had my attempts been successful

In every moment with my children I thank God.  -my children ARE my double blessing!!

God works through people..  he works through others to help you..  And then -if you allow

He will work through you to help others..

I repeat:  we come to earth with instructions:

-what we love to do; instructs us on what we are here to do.

-what suffering we endure; instructs us on who we are here to help..

I know the suffering which results in contemplation and attempts of
suicide.

how can I help you?    I am wildly happy and fulfilled as I write this..

/despite severe economic hardship..

when I was stuck in my despair.. I was unable.. Completely unable.. To foresee or hope for.. Or believe in.. A time I would not be in pain.

I know you cannot necessarily believe in it or see it write now..

But it does exist. I am living proof.   -I love this from Martha beck, I believe it was.. Anne Lamont?

-take it a day at a time.   -but sometimes that can just seem way too ambitious.. So just take it by the hour

Or the minute..

Or breath by breath..   it can be done.  There is another side.

My prayer for you:  love to help you find and cross the long bridge..

With love, and in Jesus name,   God bless you!

Thoughts on suffering. by (me!) sandra, tvgp

the inspiration for this post. admittedly a repeat.. but worth repeating, is a recent encounter with a young person here in pleasanton who tried to commit suicide.

it is this:

I see a picture of a group of young children in a third world country.

my heart aches for them!  aches.. 

-they have no access to clean drinking water.
/kids in pleasanton have an abundance of clean drinking water.

-some of them literally die from hunger.
/kids in pleasanton have plenty of food; nutritious and otherwise..

-some sleep on concrete or dirt floors
/most kids in pleasanton have shelter and beds...

-there are no schools..
/kids in pleasanton have public education..

-they don't have lots of clothes, entertainment, cell phones, video games, restaurants, downtowns, parks, recreation..

they don't have democracies.. they don't have freedom of religion, ATM's, credit cards, air conditioning, cars, easy transportation, air conditioning, heat, libraries, computers...

such a long incredible list!

and I look at all the material things here.. the conveniences.. the luxuries treated as entitlements..

and I see..

such suffering. Emotional pain. Mental anguish. Insecurities. Dissatisfaction. Isolation. Longing. Hunger for, -not food.

Deep, deep hunger for..

peace of mind. Happiness. Joy..  self esteem..

there is a secular way to view this..  Strength/power of Cultural messages vs. Realities of internal human needs..

but as a Christian.. I tend to see it as the spirit of evil vs. The holy spirit..

and what the spirit of evil is highly successful at accomplishing:

Making people blind to their blessings.. their abundance.. their Intrinsic value as a human being..their masterpiece of a human body with vision, hearing, tasting, smelling, touching,.. the ability to respond to beauty, make friendship connections, contribute mightily to making the world a better place with their unique mix of gifts, talents, strengths and weaknesses..

the evil spirit somehow manages to get people to ignore, block-out, look past and over or become utterly blind to every amazing good thing..about themselves, and others, and the amazing landscape around them..

Gets them to block out soooo much love, beauty, blessings..

and hyper-focus on lack. 

from where I stand lack is a big fat lie.  The greatest deception..

and the holy spirit.. makes a full time job of showing, reminding, revealing -the truth!

you are a masterpiece! You matter! You are swimming in blessings every single day! You are enormously loved! Your strengths, gifts, talents can and will contribute to the world to help make it a better place. You are a conqueror! You can.. You can! You are amazing.. This life is a GIFT to be experienced and cherished..

I could go on and on..

And will, as time allows.. 

In Jesus name.. You are loved!  Deeply loved and valued; as is.  -in progress..

Amen!

Monday, April 20, 2015

Love IS all you need. by (me!) sandra, tvgp

love is the topic again:   we already know the biblical defintion/scriptures.. love is patient, kind, not self~seeking, etc.

and last time I wrote about love as infinite.. before you were here it existed; long after you go.. Love will exist. It does not run out, like a natural resource.. it only lives, grows, expands eternally.. no religion has the monopoly.. it applies to all of humanity..
Etc.

and today I want to write about that saying.. Love is all you need.

It does not mean.. You don't need food, sleep, family, friends, a job, etc.   it does not mean love is all you need -literally.  It means that love is all you need in order to do anything else..   -that with love..

anything is possible.   /note bible passages:   with God all things are possible.  And, God is love.

"To love and be loved,". I respond to Shakespeare, " eliminates the question."

my hand is in pain or I would type more.. So I will close with two thoughts..

-a person cannot be full of love and hate at the same time. To get rid of hate

All you need is....

And..

...for God so loved the world...

Amen.

Super soul wild moment for (me!) sandra, tvgp

-watching with my sister.. Amy purdy.. and when she talked about feeling her last heart beat and then leaving her body.. I paused it to tell my sister about what my hand wrote..

-at the last heart beat, the soul departs.   /something close to that I would need to relook..

But a couple things strike me.. I use the word spirit and think the word spirit much more than the word soul..  And.. the word -depart- is not much in my vocabulary either..  -ever?   And... fascinating that there is not an association with. -last breath, or last brain wave, last thought..

it was so clear and specific:  at the last heart beat the soul departs.

-when Amy talks about leaving her body; I can validate that with my own experience..

and when she talks about 'the voice' -that feels similar to her own thought, but is not her own thought..

I can validate that also..    It is very difficult to articulate and describe; but you sure do know it when it happens..

and I'm with her also.. In knowing there is more after we leave our physical containers..

and I just know (believe with my whole heart) we still communicate with living humans but answer to different physical laws..

the more I think on; read about; hear from others..

the idea graduates from mildly plausible to completely obvious.

***
I'm extremely grateful to have access to these people; their stories; these conversations..    -where else do they exist on TV?   "Thank you Oprah!"

-to your other wonderful question..  why are we here?

I believe we come to earth with instructions:

what we love to do; instructs us on what we are here to do.

what suffering we endure; instructs us on who we are here to help.

Read You Like A Book. a poem by (me!) sandra, tvgp

read.

read you.

read you like a book.

that is,

i will regard your cover. note the design. the colors. the words. the blurbs. the forward. the dedication.

flip you back and forth a few times.

open you up.  a random location.

lick my finger. close my eyes. land on a predetermined word.

run my finger across and down. 

skip past cliches. the ands. the the's. the this' & that's. the so's and the very's.

treasure hunt for gold.   between the lines.  i linger.

reread. go back. skip ahead.

put you in the context you intended; and the context i project.

continue. skipping and lingering....

until i reach deep inside

to the last word

on the last page.

-confirming what i knew a hundred paragraphs before:

"i love you."

and i'm gonna need some more;

of you.

and your book.  and your story.

unend.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

1 out of 10 women say yes. According to (my dad!)

post divorce and pre-2nd-marriage.  My dad describes these as his happiest years..  in his 30's, single for the first time since age 18, -and! during the sexual revolution..

he says, statistically, 1 out of every 10 women would say yes to going home with him..    so that is what he set out to do.. -just keep asking until someone says yes..

his 4th or 5th rejection then, hardly deterred him.  -just meant he was that much closer to a yes..

/this is also how they train sales people..  same philosophy.  -statistically speaking..

anyway..  Yesterday when I was shopping, a handsome and heavily tattooed young man of what... age 25..?   -asked me if he could take me to breakfast.

"Don't think my husband would appreciate that.. But I'm flattered." I told him.   -and I wondered what number I was..  That day, or that week?

-obviously he is one woman closer to his goal.

So you say your an atheist.. by (me!) sandra, tvgp

also.. Great segment on CBS Sunday morning.. Seculars coming out of the closet..    /as if God didn't already know..

-the part that intrigues (me!)..   we each have an internal truth we are trying to match  -and when we do, we have the experience of "living authentically"

-the part that fascinates (me!). -we each have a way of knowing/interpreting whether or not we are living authentically (true to ourselves) or not.

our true selves.. are not necessarily "THE TRUTH".. 

but I'm convinced it is the write path..  be true to yourself.   -and if you pay attention..  you will see this turns out to be so important

-that people become willing to give up many things; pay high costs.. pay with their actual lives sometimes..

Because living a false life is so...  Unbearable over time; unbearable.

so whatever it might be.. I'm (really) a secular living a (fake) religious life.  Or,

I'm (really) a Christian living a (fake) academic scientist life. Or,

I'm (really) a homosexual living a (fake) heterosexual life.  Or,

I'm (really) a scientific secular, living a (fake) Christian life..

I'm (really) an artist, living a (fake) businessman life...

-reverse any of the above; and a long, long list could be created..

but the point is.. each person has a (really), and each of us have a way of knowing when we are living a fake or inauthentic life..  even when we can trick or convince the general public/family/friends otherwise..

how the (really) self foundation originates?  is born? Evolves?

The (fake) is much more obvious to me.. Born from family culture, social culture,  -need to be approved, loved, valued, make a living..

and are those people blessed.. Whose (real) self.. Is already a match with what values are accepted/rewarded by their family and social cultures..

and isn't it something to experience and witness when there is not a match.

what great price humans are willing to pay to ultimately live an authentic life..

and!  how great and deep the love.. when people live inauthentically for their entire lives.. because they want a better life for their children.. Or other loved ones..   -to protect another..

I'm wow'd by it all....     Amen!

Visiting your grandma on nana glen. (Me!) sandra, tvgp

speaking of divine..

all this time I've thought.. One day I would live part time in Hawaii, part time in new York, part time in pleasanton..

-after my several year stay in Atlanta helping survivors of human trafficking..

but as of this very morning..  Like, it just suddenly came to (me!)..

crystal clear as Russell crowe's eyes.. /on CBS Sunday morning.

that actually..

Yes..   /I tuned in my heart..  listened very closely..  in prayer..

my grandkids are not going to be visiting me in Hawaii, or new York, or pleasanton...!

they will be visiting their Rockin' grandma at Nana glen!  on 1400 acres of... ooh LA LA...

I smiled toward heaven.. "As long as this is your will God, and not my own..

I guess I'll do it..    Give up my Hawaii, new York, pleasanton dream for..

Australia!".     Hallelujah and amen! 

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Thoughts on Hillary running for president. By (me!) sandra, tvgp

1.  I cannot believe.. still cannot believe that anyone, female or male, actually wants this job. It seems like one of the most high pressure, high stress, intrusive, exhausting, thankless jobs in the world.  when I consider return on investment of ones life, time, energy..      I can't get inside and understand the mind of anyone who would invite this level of...   demand.

2.  I've said this before.. Its not an endorsement, its an opinion.. 

I think the one advantage of hilliary running/winning would be that she and her husband would have an opportunity to APPLY what they learned during his term..

Most everyone has had the experience..  "..if I knew then, what I know now.."

but very few people get to live it out... "I do know now!".  -and have a second go at a given experience...

it seems to me.. that having already had the experience; knowing what they are up against.. what actually is required, demanded, knowing more what to expect.. and how to handle..

based on real life practical experience..

well, I'm still blown away they would sign up to do this again..

and I am very aware I am writing. -they/them..  not -her.  -because they appear to me a team..

Postcard from the (financial) edge. -from (me!) sandra, tvgp

(Me!):  "oh! My God.. these stamps are beautiful!   and (run fingers over flower) ..they're embossed!  .. oh I love these.. I love these..  I'll take one book.."

USPS employee:  "your card was declined..."

(Me!):  oh my..  okay,..  well, I'll just take 12 then...   12 please.

USPS employee:    -shakes head no.

(Me!):   "three then..  three individual stamps.. these are beautiful...

thank you!   -have a blessed day!"

Friday, April 17, 2015

You Shall Know (me!) By Name(s)... sandra, tvgp

Dear Dear David Placek,  I woke with the list of names I've come up with playing in my mind again... there are more than I first realized..

SHEsaysWITHaSMILE (blog).

WriteousMom.com. (website).

Kissin' the Chocolate Blues. (Theater).

8 Shots of Ink. (documentary).

The Heart Seen (photography collection)

Diapers to Diapers. (exhibit).

Mover & Shakers (dance class).

Must Love Blogs. (Workshop).

Facebook~Guestbook (social media).

Beautiful Fish (poetry book).

Eat, Write & Exercise (CNF book).

Tully's Corner (feature column).

How They Met (feature column).

Mag Time Frames (art & craft).

Tri Valley Gypsy Poet (aka).

...then to consider the titles of each poem; titles to speeches/talks; essays; workshops; posts; photographs..

I'm thinkin' I might want to add that to my business card..

literary, mixed media & naming artist...

who knew?!     look forward to hearing from you soon,

Blessings!

-Sandra.  <------------   /my mom chose that one; but who came up with that name originally?

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

The Take Away. -for (me!) sandra, tvgp

Coworker friend: "I saw tony Robbins too.. I loved him."

(Me!):  "the thing that stands out for me is how..   how my car was the only clunker in the parking lot..  there was nothing but expensive luxury cars..."

coworker friend:  "so, you realized these people know what they're doing.. "

(Me!):  "..that's so funny.. because that's not my take away at all.. I met people who could afford the tickets, drove expensive luxury cars.. and some who already had tickets to see him at a future event in Hawaii..   -my take away, - was like..  people! if you can afford to see him, afford those cars, and afford to go to Hawaii..

like,  -what do you even need this guy for?"

coworker friend:  "what I really learned that helped me, is how your brain will listen to what your body does.. so if you smile.. your brain will automatically respond and you'll feel happier..."

(Me!):   "if that works for you.. if you got results.. I would never argue with you.. do what gets results.  But that falls apart for me because I know many people who just wear a phony smile.. learn to wear a phony smile..  they don't become happier..  just phony."

and here, my coworker just kind of repeated "phony smile.  yeah I do hear what you're saying.."

***

it is my experience, observation.. that happiness, peace, contentment, joy..  etc.

-those are inside jobs.  Inside work, when it is successful..  shows naturally on the outside.

not an outside job, that naturally gets reflected on the inside.

I can summon up countless people I've met, encountered along the way who look beautiful, and smile big in public..

but behind the scenes.. in truth.. they are miserable.

-that's my personal experience..  but if you get positive results starting from the outside.. and come to learn it is having a positive impact on you inside..

I would never argue.  I'm after results.  I like actual results.  -find a path that works for you..

but find a path.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

PTSD -path to healing. by (me!) sandra, tvgp

I had the very recent experience of meeting a handsome young man who is.. Write now, in 2015, battling PTSD.  Our conversation was very brief.. I did not memorize/retain the specifics.. which branch of service, -marines?  how many tours/specifically where he is returning from.. 3 in Iraq? 1 in Afghanistan?   -those details did not stick.. what did stick, is that he is currently experiencing PTSD.  and the rest I will have to reask..  Jim Ott introduced us.  He is one of his students at Las Positas Jr. College.  -and Jim Ott had interviewed me many years ago for a newspaper article, and so knows, at least a portion, of the battle I had with PTSD.

I am intimately acquainted with this horrific disorder.

-even though I have a variety of other things/projects/responsibilities/events to plan for, etc.

I find that since meeting Francisco.. all of my brain real estate, so to speak, is consumed with working this out:

what do I have to say  -exactly-  about healing from PTSD?  my battle taking place in the 1980's...   90's...    vs. What they know now in 2015..

is what I learned even applicable now?  mine went

1. Undiagnosed.
2. Untreated.

Before PTSD was even a familiar term..

quite frankly, I did not know what the hell was wrong with me.

in our all too brief conversation, what I did share with Francisco is that..

How I even found out I had.. PTSD.. was that I happened across a documentary, on PBS, I believe, about a war veteran.. (Vietnam?), who was describing his symptoms..

I was like, "that's what I do!". " I'm like that!"  "Oh my God.. I know exactly what you are talking about!"

and I listened VERY CLOSELY to every word of that interview..

I believe it marks the first time I ever heard that term: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

what amount of time passed I'm not sure, but.. next I remember being inside a book store..  down the spine of a blue book I saw those very words in white font: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

I pulled it from the shelf and started randomly reading a sentence here, flip page, a paragraph there..

and I mean I literally.. -literally!-  fell to the ground crying

-from HAPPINESS..

"A match!!... a direct match!...".   and that marks the day I went from viewing myself as a complete freak to viewing myself as someone with SYMPTOMS of a thing that actually had a DIAGNOSIS.   and it was the first time my -behaviors- started to make sense.. took on a larger context..

So, the first thing I want Francisco to know is this:

PTSD is a type of living hell.   I can validate that.

it would be awesome if it didn't exist at all for sure,   -but that would also mean traumatic experiences themselves didn't exist, and as optimistic as I am; I'm not seeing that any time in the near future..

so, what I do want you to know, is that, it being 2015

1. PTSD is more familiar and therefore diagnosed more immediately.   -that's a great thing all by itself, because how can you heal from something when you don't even know what it is?

2. " they have medicine!!".   -I'm not currently in the loop or knowledgeable about what medicine, but just learning this makes me want to say "take it!!".   anything that helps... " do it!"

3.  the accumulative knowledge about PTSD  -should!-  help you heal, in a shorter amount of time, than those who went before..

and what I KNOW for SURE:   healing IS possible.  The hell you experience now.. is not for the rest of your life.  the hell you are experiencing now

"Its temporary!...  hang in there!!"

and before I close this post for today I just want to say that the number one!   #1!   -most important thing to do.. in front of every other thing you must do in order to heal:

SLEEP.   -without sleep, without a good nights rest; none of the other things you can do to heal are effective..   And SLEEPING well is one of the hardest things to do if you have PTSD..

So!   -whatever it takes..  medicine.  A huge meal.   tough exercise to wear you out.  A long hot bath..  Some combination of all of those..

Do it!   it is my profound experience that without good sleep.. Healing cannot take place; period.   -start there..

More later..   

"Thank you!" Francisco for your noble service!   everyday you are a step closer toward healing..

One day.. you will look back on this time..  and celebrate that you made it through..

Blessings!   ~sandra.   PTSD survivor.

P.s. I will come back here to discuss shows I've seen that to my personal experience.  -tell you to do the exact opposite of what you should do to heal..

in order to understand this.. We need Eric kandel..  You need to understand the. -life saving!- distinction between

Sensitization and habitualization...   /forgive my spelling..

***

ill just keep returning here as windows of time present themselves. -write what's on my mind; organize it later

***
4/16/2015:

SYMPTOM:  one of my symptoms:  -certain experiences are locked in my brain forever; others have faded.. but one of the stand outs is when the power went out in my neighborhood.

I mean to tell you.. quicker than you can blink.. I was in fetal position on the floor. -terrified.  -alone.  paralyzed by fear.

I could see the phone..  and how long it took I can't remember, but eventually I got to the phone and called my mom..

the power outage itself.. was caused by a car crashing into a poll somewhere in the area; but it would be some time before I learned this.

all I knew at the time, -and at the time, I lived alone

/may I stop to recommend that when you have PTSD, you should not live alone.  but there is also this strange.. perhaps another symptom.. which makes you always want to be alone.

anyway.. I was alone, it was night, and so, when the power did go out.. unlike if it had happened during the day.. my place went from lamp-lit to pitch black.   and as suddenly.. I hit the floor.

similar experiences have happened in recent years and I am happy to say.. I respond now like a normal person.  -but.. I sure will never forget that..

and it helps me graduate from a vague understanding to a deep knowing..when I hear about others..

I had a vet tell me that during one of their celebratory lunches.. in a room filled with military personnel.. that when they did a gun salute and blank fire.. one of the guests.. at the sound of the gun.. took off in terror running out of the building to save her life.. and had to be chased down by a couple others..

I don't vaguely understand that in a text book way; I utterly know that experience.

***

4/17/2015

-traumatic experiences cannot be erased from memory; but can, and should be diluted.

my healing progressed at a much more rapid speed when I started to realize the truth above; when I set out with great intention to dilute..

repetition of thought is another symptom of PTSD.. it is my experience .. well, if I were to provide an analogy from a lay person perspective..

let's pack some damp sand in a box, level and several inches thick.

take a toothpick and draw in the sand a line which represents a specific thought.  repeat. Draw a line over that line, over and over again to represent the repetition of that thought.  The line area becomes deeper and deeper and deeper.

Now, draw a line in a new area to represent the breakthrough of a different thought. A new thought.  stop.

pour some water on the sand.. where does it naturally go?  -to the deepest line..  skimming the others.. A tiny bit everywhere else..

but it is my experience that repetitive thoughts attract themselves.. default in the brain to the most common, deep path..  the deeper that area is, as a result of the repetition; the more likely incoming  thoughts will automatically go there; -the most popular, deepest, most common, familiar path...

but.. go back to the level, damp sand.  draw lots of lines (pathways);  Draw them this way, and that way, several here, several there, repeat and make deep lines here, shallow lines there.. Etc.

pour water.  -where does it go?   -much more spread out, -yes!

no longer defaulting, or gravitating to that one deep line (path).

-so, I set out, to create, with great intention, new pathways in my brain.  So many new and different experiences; consciously -that it would slowly become impossible for my thoughts to keep repeating themselves..

I set out consciously to make sure these new experiences, which become new pathways in the brain..

were of a positive nature.  things I enjoyed...

that would be my healing homework assignment for current PTSD patients:

get away, and avoid at all cost, the retelling, remembering, repeating of your traumatic experience and go do and see things that bring you joy, peace, laughter..

this is not the same as repressing, or denying..or stuffing down..

It is proactively healing!

-after! after! after!   -after!   -you have created a plethora of new pathways.. 

then..  slowly, selectively.. revisit traumatic experiences to process them in a healthy way..

to try and process too early is highly counterproductive. In my opinion and experience it intensifies and prolongs your suffering.

***

the younger you are when a traumatic experience takes place.. the deeper the line in the sand.. because you have fewer pathways to begin with.. fewer lines to begin with..  

no matter the age though..  create new paths; new lines; make them pleasurable.  dilute! Dilute! dilute!

***

SYMPTOM:  when the police pulled a sketch drawing on paper from their briefcase..  I responded to the picture as if it was the actual predator.  -there is no need to be terrified of a piece of paper; or picture on a paper..  but the traumatized brain loses its ability to distinguish..  it is responding to the memory triggered; not the actual object itself.

***

when? I don't know.. but I once saw a program where the way they were treating PTSD in war veterans.. was to hook them up to a virtual reality screen in a helmet.. and in a safe environment.. play war scenes for the vet to view.. and meanwhile they were taking measurements of heart rate, etc.

I was up out of my seat, yelling at the people I saw on TV..

"What the fuck are you doing?!?".  " you will kill him!   you just set him back twelve years!?"

-because, to my personal experience.. Nothing could be more counterproductive.

and so, it was to my GREAT SURPRISE, that said vet reported that this technique did in fact help him heal.

I still.. write now..even with that (one) testimony (mascot?).   -highly recommend you do not sign up for that program..

in fact, even now, I think..   I wonder how many vets were not helped that we did not have access to on the TV show.  I doubt very seriously its 100% success rate..

and I am so opposed, that I think..  -if you did this.. and some of the vets got worse..  if it sent them to the depths of depression.. And months later  -or years.. they committed suicide.

-that was not suicide; that was murder.   Unintentional maybe.. But that was homicide.

-I try and imagine

If some scientists doctor types were like..

"OK.. Put this helmet on..   you are in a safe place.."

and then I watched as a violent gunman predator attacked and raped..

My God.  I can't think of anything more stupid.. I really can't.  -when you consider an already traumatized brain...

honest to God..

-let's give poison to the cancer patient..

- tell the man on the bridge there's nothing to live for..

-let's hand deliver an overdose to the clinically depressed..

STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

my suspicion is that the mascot on the TV show..

he most likely didn't have a genuine form of PTSD to begin with..

if he did, -that would kill him.

-there is also such thing as a healthy, normal response to trauma.  No normal person goes happy go lucky skipping into the next day and adventure of life;

-there are consequences and there is processing to do mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc.

I would say..  if you even let someone put a virtual reality helmet on you to reenact violence, trauma in a safe environment..

the willingness alone proves that you do not have PTSD to begin with.   Someone with PTSD would be like..

Stay the fuck away from me with that thing..

So if you are willing.. that would suggest to me.. You are merely having a natural, normal, healthy response to violence and trauma..

it can be overcome via desensitization techniques.

If however you have PTSD..

for you.. We need an entirely different plan.

/where is Eric kandel when I need him!?!

***

4/20/2015

SYMPTOM:   i remember being paralyzed by fear.  that is not an analogy; it is a fact. I do not mean kinda like, I do not mean similar to.. I mean actually and completely paralyzed -by fear.   I was not paralyzed by a physical injury to my spinal cord or from a stroke. I was however just as paralyzed..unable to move even my pinky finger.. I was literally frozen in a position on the couch; in a sitting up position but could not move.  I remember thinking to myself.. Your hands are not broken. Your legs are not broken.  -move something!  make something move! Wiggle a fucking finger.. Something! Shift.  Do something!  All your body parts work!

but I could not -for the life of me..   move.  

I eventually fell asleep from exhaustion.  When it was daylight again. I could move.

Monday, April 13, 2015

To Kathy Goode... yes, its (me!)

I received your comment which asked if I was sandy harrison from southgate elementary...  and if so, to email you..

only, guess what.. you forgot to leave your email..

will be wonderful to hear from you! I can quickly, easily pull up your sweet elementary school girl face on the silver screen in my memory...      blessings!   my contact Info: WriteousMom.com

SAVE THE DATE: The BIG Draw, Sat. May 9th, Downtown Pleasanton

I will be selling my mixed media art.. yes..    and also have contributed a haiku to Jill Vellinger to help raise funds for art in schools.  I love this program she spearheads!

Take A Seat.

A few select poets contribute haikus or short poems or stanzas within longer poems..

those poems are provided to local artists who creatively paint chairs.. and include the poem..

and then the chairs are auctioned to help raise awareness and funds for art programs in schools..  a win/win/win if I've ever seen one!

my contribution for 2015:

She Smiles and He Dares.
In~between the broken hearts
God's grout sparkles gold.

-cant wait to see what the artist does..   Of course its pretty obvious I'm trying to inspire a mosaic here...

but I will have this same haiku available on my mosaic wine bottle decor..   cards, etc.

hope to see you there!

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Of Math & Men. by (me!) sandra, tvgp

I was thinkin', wonderin'..  in my 49+ years so far here on earth.. I wonder how many men I have encountered? If you add in person, with jobs, school, where I live.. TV, movies, commercials, books..

it is a quantitative and actual number but who would keep track; certainly not (me!).

what I do keep an unscientific, an unactual track of.. Is, of those men mentioned above..  how many I like, vs love vs respect..

and when it comes to men i respect

I'm pretty sure

that number is around...

(going back.. Going back... going back... 2001.. 1995...  1984... 1976.. 1969...)

12.

KNOW (me!) BY NAME(S)... by (me!) sandra, tvgp..

Dear Dear David Placek,    I was watching CBS Sunday Morning just now, and think I heard..

yes.. I think I heard.. (Stop. Rewind. Playback.)

"You charge $100,000.00 to come up with brand NAMES?!?"

I certainly could use $100,000.00 ...   because at last glance I think I was sitting at about..   -.35    In my bank account. (There is no typo..  ). and zero in savings.   Now.. check this out: I saw my lucky number in this same segment.  /see prior post.  And! so, I had the knowledge some big money is headed my way..  but from who?   -no idea..

until!  until I rewatched the show..  and re-listened to them interview YOU..  Couldn't quite make out what they said your name was..

David placid? David classic?  so I researched by the name and city of your company..and... "Bingo!".    -bingo.. that's a great name isn't it..

anyway.. I clicked on careers.. perused the criteria/qualifications..

and.. Well, you might accidentally pass me over or ignore me all together based on your criteria, so allow (me!) to instead ...

drop a few names... /name drop..   a few of the names I've come up with.. On my very own! over the past very many years:

ready?

my website:  WriteousMom.com.    -great play on words don't you think?  -combines many things, many aspects in just a few catchy syllables: I am a writer.. I am  a Christian; highly spiritual, I am a very proud, very blessed mom..       occasionally people will mispronounce.. But that is the rare exception, not the rule.. Most times I receive compliments..  " great name!".  "Oh that's good.. That's fun.". " I really like that."

my Blog:  SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com.    -its a little long, I admit that..  But it is very fitting!   more than a few people comment on how I am always smiling..  and a lot of what I write is serious, but I like to tackle serious subjects in a playful way.. Tongue n cheek, so to speak..   having endured my fair share of traumas.. im grateful for the ability to still smile.. Smile big.. Smile authentically...    Of course I am female.. So that's the SHE part of the name.. And girls and Womens issues are very important to (me!) And I sometimes make effort to speak on behalf of females in general..   So that's how I came up with that name.. And I do receive a variety of compliments on that name too..

I'm very proud of the name I came up with for the first piece I ever wrote for theater..  Check this out:

Kissin' the Chocolate Blues.

this was a stage play I wrote and co-starred in to say "thank you!" To my favorite poet, speaker, author, entertainer.. Dr Maya Angelou.. I performed it in February.(black history month). As an onstage valentine (think chocolate, romance. Hugs and kisses) .. and the content speaks to how people sing the blues.. That is, rising above the blues by the very singing of it..     I'm very proud of that name.. And also received many compliments..

just very recently.. I named the documentary I co-created for the city of pleasanton:

8 shots of ink.   -very proud of that name..   here I combined my position as the 8th poet laureate of pleasanton.. With -shots-  which has the double meaning of drink shots.. Fun! and medicinal shots.. Healing!  with the INK common to writers.. and tattoos..    I've also received many compliments on that name..

in august of 2015 I will celebrate 10 years of blogging!  And so I have also all this experience giving titles to essays, blog posts, poems, feature articles, etc. Etc.   Thousands!!

I named the class I taught at the pleasanton poetry, prose and art festival..  Also, fun play on words:  Must Love Blogs..    -received many compliments on that name..

My resume for coming up with names is pretty long.. and based on feedback: pretty cool, pretty catchy, and pretty funny..

the thing is..  while I have received lots and lots of compliments, what I have never received is

a dime.

for many years.. Based on my instincts and experience, passion, gifts and talent.. well, I always thought I would one day..

Some day!

make my living as a writer or artist.  My business card reads:

literary & mixed media artist.

but now!  based on seeing my lucky number on money! and on the special MONEY edition of CBS Sunday Morning

in which they interviewed YOU..  and which sent my mind on a "I named that!" Memory tour..

now I realize that..  I'm destined to make my living the way you do!  a namer.

Yes..

Sandra Harrison Kay..

you shall know (me!) by my name(s).

Like.. tvgp for instance.. That stands for: Tri-Valley gypsy poet..

-for very obvious reasons...  and  I get a lot of compliments on that too.. but what I really need to get..  Is..

Paid.

look forward to hearing from (you!)

Blessings!   xo$xo$xo$

"Im gonna be rich!!" .. (Me!) sandra, tvgp

Dad:  "is there anything you don't think is a sign?!"

(Me!):  "I'm tellin' ya.. That's a sign!  Look! Its my lucky number on the SPECIAL MONEY EDITION of CBS SUNDAY MORNING!  ..on the money itself!   I'm going to be able to pay you back all the money I owe you... I'm sure of it..!"

Dad: "sure honey.. whatever you say..  but you can't borrow anymore until you pay what you owe.. so let's hope that is a sign.."

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Favorite plant... for (me!) sandra, tvgp

Thursday, April 09, 2015

Wednesday, April 08, 2015

Get Your Poetry Fix Tonight! /she says with a smile..

you know you need one...  we all do. 

Tuesday, April 07, 2015

Me & MY Charlie Rose... look! shouts (me!) sandra, tvgp

my fault Wisconsin lost last night, -please forgive me.   -what happen was I temporarily forgot duke is charlie roses' team..

-which is why they won.  -and I accidentally cursed Wisconsin when I went with the opposition.    Strange how this works.. But,

had I aligned with my Charlie rose  -any team could win, but most likely duke.

when I went against charlie... accidentally I promise!   -I doomed the team by being out of alignment with My charlie.

you must understand.. natural talent, hard work, practice, the will to win, great coaching, determination,...

none of those things actually factor in when it comes to championship games.  Its all about us; the fans...

we not only influence; but determine the outcome...

sometimes by our level of commitment and enthusiasm.  but usually by the motivations and Intentions underlying our purchases at the snack bar and the temperature of beverages.. and how much cheese is on the nachos of the person three seats down..

especially by what number person you are when youre standing in line at the bathroom!  -did you know if the number person you are in line for the bathroom matches the number on the jersey of the next player to shoot a free throw.. 

"No net!".  -he'll score every time.    true story.

so, my apologies to Wisconsin ..  And " congratulations to duke!"

I'm going to virtually toast my Charlie Rose "cheers!"

/what do you say about us picking up where we left off in the picture here...

where it looks like you are just about to kiss me something serious!

"Treasure!"

/... my rick never even reads my blog.. can't even make him jealous.. I'll have to get a poster...

signs & wonders -as seen by (me!) sandra, tvgp

we can know there are natural laws here on earth; gravity for example.

and we know.. those laws change as you exceed the atmosphere; going outward -and those laws change at the quantum level; shrinking down.. so to speak

we know the human body is just a container and..  at the last heart beat the soul departs..

-so I,  -well this is where I believe -fully and completely-  that there is just a new set of laws for the spirit; in the after life..

signs and wonders here on earth are a direct result of those after life laws..

-yes.. you can still communicate with loved ones; with humans..

but not by way of talking, writing, holding hands etc.  -those laws apply when there is a physical body..

spirit body; new laws.. new forms of communication...

energy; signs; wonders;  -6th sense..   Object memory triggers...
quiet and listening..

watch and listen...   watch and listen...

~conversations and communication..  continue.. 

I know its true.

thoughts on companionship. by (me!) sandra, tvgp

yes.  having a companion, a life partner, is far superior to being single.

but being single is far, far, superior to having a companion you cannot trust.

Monday, April 06, 2015

"Go Giants!!!" -from (me!) sandra, tvgp...

The Heart Seen!... in the net.. NCAA championship...

The Heart Seen.. kinda.. In my beer!

My $ is on Wisconsin... 38/33 as I blog this... 

Public "Thank You!" to (radbert chin o.d!) from (me!) sandra, tvgp

...kindness!!...    details to follow.. 

The Heart Seen.. at Ken Mercer Sports Park..

colloquially known as the Pleasanton Sports Park.. recently renamed in honor of...

Healing has a sweet spot. As seen by (me!) sandra, tvgp

we have so many different tools for measuring so many different things..  the distance, the length, the time, the width, the weight..

but what tool -what stick, what measurement device for quantifying the emotional distance from a painful traumatic experience?

Humor.

-to laugh now at Holocaust jokes..
-to laugh now at sept 11th 2001 jokes..

I don't remember on my own, but am pretty confident I journaled it: the first time I authentically laughed at a rape joke.  and now I can respond that way pretty regularly..

but I would not recommend any stand-up comedians take their skits to the Tri valley haven, -let's say..

this transformation humans are capable of: from raw, sensitive, angry, traumatized to

seasoned, impervious, happy, healthy..

to laugh at some point at the same thing that previously undid us..

it seems to me the best Indicator.. the best tool.. Measuring device for determining health and healing.

that's fascinating all by itself.  But even more so..  The nuances!

-can't laugh at all vs.
Courtesy laugh vs.
Laughter as mask vs.
Numb, vs. Apathetic, vs. Drug or alcohol Induced laughter..

and then..  authentic laughter.  -which stands quite alone.

and we are designed with an ability to know and Interpret which one we are experiencing at any given time..

I only want the take away to be:  that it IS possible

to authentically laugh one day

at the most horrific, traumatizing and evil experiences Satan can muster.

that it is true: love conquers all

because love..

..love gets the last laugh.

The Roast of Justin Bieber -as seen by (me!) sandra, tvgp

Off the charts HILARIOUS! I've seen it 3 times now.. alone; with my nephew; with my daughter..      the craft!   ..to write/say the lowest, cruelist.. 

the spirit!   -to say essentially. -hit me with your best shot.. I can take it;  I've learned to laugh at myself..

-the healing!  .. to see a victim of the 911 attacks empowered by humor..  to see Martha laugh, make jokes of her jail time.. Kevin laugh along with the short man jokes.. Shaq laugh along with the huge man jokes.. etc. Etc.

-the love!  -everyone dishing it out equally...

-the laughter!   entire stage and entire venue filled up and spilling over with genuine nonstop laughter..

may qualify as one of the best roasts I've ever seen...

... Kevin hart among my new favorite comedians...   I've seen big little man.. And laugh at my pain.. And .. Dropping out the name of the other.. but..

I've said it on more than one occasion to my kids:

You need God and a sense of humor...

Random thoughts on love.. by (me!) sandra, tvgp

there is the familiar; .. it is patient, kind, casts out all fear, not self~seeking, etc.    but my mind is not there this morning.

my mind is here:  eternal love; infinite love.  as in.. it existed before you were born, and will exist long after you depart.

no one has the monopoly.  no one person or big corporation OWNS it. it is free. Can be experienced by everyone on the planet.. And! does not come with a fixed amount or expiration date.  Its not like, -you have 3 barrels of love which you must use by this date or it.. spoils.  what Dr Maya Angelou says of creativity is true of love:

you can't run out; the more you use; the more you have.

it is entirely separate from religion or politics; has no elitism attached.. it is not exclusive to people with a certain education, or set amount of money. it is everywhere; available to everyone; -free.

and .. in order to create something..  anything..  ~with love:

Love has to exist first.   I wonder what day and time and place and under what exact circumstance

love was born.   ?    .. because love could not be born.. without love existing first... Without love already existing...

infinite love is hard for the human brain to comprehend.  -without beginning; and without end.   just kind of always here, so to speak.

God is love.   -and he loved the world so much...

in Jesus name,  -amen.

Sunday, April 05, 2015

The Heart Seen... in a bite of emilys birthday cake! by (me!) sandra, tvgp

Friday, April 03, 2015

"That's a sign!". Believes (me!) sandra, tvgp

my dad likes to tease me... "you think everything is a sign..."

but you know what... "I do!".  and now check out where I landed during my bible reading this very morning.

how can I possibly ignore such a thing..   in Jesus name.. Amen!

Thursday, April 02, 2015

and the attacks begin.. for (me!) sandra, tvgp

I've made no secret of my lack of enthusiasm for public speaking.  /see effort to employ counterterrorism by way of euphemism.

I am currently employing the technique and exercise of stopping any negative thoughts in their tracks and overriding them with this:

I am calm. I am comfortable.  -and it is true that I'm thinking a lot about ray orrock.. like he's trying to remind me to just have fun..

Fun ?!

anyway.. our newest team member at the store mentioned "-so, your event is next week"

I said, "I am calm. I am comfortable.".  -like a robot.

-her understanding and compassion seemed immediate; and I know her Intent was to comfort me..

" this is what you do.." she said, in a kind and reassuring voice.

but you know what... This is NOT what I do.  "Its NOT! its NOT! Its NOT!"

what I do is WRITE. and make ART.  <-------THAT is what I do.

what I am meant to do.  

in Jesus name,  -amen.

***

Inarticulate~able by (me!) sandra, tvgp

I share this experience best I can without claiming it is fact; but knowing it is not fiction.

this morning, following my regular meditations, readings..

I picked up my journal a second time and my hand wrote:

at the last heart beat, the soul departs.

now.. that part is not hard to explain.. the next part is:

because I asked silently..   at? not with..   ?  

.. with the last heart beat...  but no, ..at.   at the last heart beat.

and then I asked..  soul?   shouldn't it be spirit..?

but no,  -soul.

if it were (me!)..  I would want to write:

with the last heart beat the spirit takes flight..   -or something like that..

but its as if I'm being told..  No,

Keep it exactly as it appears:

at the last heart beat the soul departs.

***

like, -honestly..  who am I having this internal conversation with?

***

but it seems to be answering a question I asked and pondered a long time ago..

having had an out of body experience myself, I have the advantage of knowing, not guessing.. that our physical bodies are just containers..

but I have witnessed the attack of Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, and similar attacks on the body and mind.. where the person seems to disappear.. /for lack of vocabulary..

and I wondered if the spirit left.. Well, at what point?  did the spirit leave before actual death?

and for (me!) I use the word spirit.. 

so,  -this whole experience is of great Interest to (me!).

in Jesus name.  -amen.

Wednesday, April 01, 2015

Laughter for Breakfast -by (me!) sandra, tvgp

I wanted to do the touristy thing.. get a picture of (me!) and my kids in front of the Alcatraz sign.  Had my phone camera in hand and looked for the first passerby I could find to take the shot.

I go, "would you mind taking a picture?"

and he goes, "not at all.".  And then went and posed with my children.