Tuesday, October 21, 2008

TV30'S IN A WORD DEBRIEFING by (me!) sandra, tvgp

dear children, -when you go out into the world and try your best, but fall short of your own expectations, do this:

give yourself credit for trying your best. see what you can learn.

this was not my shining moment on tv30. -my 5th and worse appearance; however

i did not chicken out. i give myself points for not chickening out. and here's what i learned:

i learned i do much better when i have the questions in advance and can write out my thoughts/answers. televised spontaneity is not one of my gifts. now we know.


that said.. always a pleasure to be with jim ott & kathy cordova.. and wonderful getting together and sharing this experience with gail johnston. it went by very fast, as it always does, and it always feels as if more could have been said.. ( on my part, more said, and in a much better/ more organized way)

and quite fun afterwards, as seen here

jim ott had to leave, but kathy cordova treated gail and i to two very special things: a ride in her new, gorgeous bmw convertible AND lunch at where else?

AMELIA'S ~the people's choice!~


& THANK YOU JIM (you two are like my spiritual therapists.. i'm so grateful for these opportunities to try & grow)

thanks dar, terisa.. people behind the scenes at tv30.


and worth re-mentioning my WRITTEN review of the social cause diet is available at amazon.com. -that's what i meant to say.

and lastly.. what a thing to learn also.. how all these years later.. many years..

over 20 years later, sometimes the emotion of being a rape survivor is raw again, as if no healing has taken place. but in fact, i know raw emotion is a positive phase of healing; it's shock, then numbness before that.

better to feel overwhelmed i think, than not to feel at all. this thought helps me accept/move on from what happened today.


success/prayers for each and everyone of you in your upcoming writing/creative/entrepreneurial adventures

love, ~s.

ONE FOR THE HUMAN SPIRIT... by (me!) sandra, tvgp

later today i'll be at the tv30 studio to talk w/gail johnston, kathy cordova, jim ott about gail's book, the social cause diet. i never received any list of questions in advance.. so i'm without an opportunity that has helped me tremendously in the past.. to think my thoughts/answers out in advance on paper. i did what i could on my own.. imagining/thinking common questions that might be asked; rereading my review of the book on amazon.

but found it very frustrating. i've too much to say.. each topic can potentially spin off on another topic.. and i'm at risk of getting off topic. like, way off topic. the topic, "volunteer" can spin in several directions.. speaking about the tri valley haven can spin in many different directions.. there are 45 different narratives in the book...

it is deciding where to put my attention/words that matches with the purpose: to discuss THIS BOOK

finally just threw the paper/pen across the room. stupid anxiety. wrote instead,

honest, tender, light, happy, free. trying to instruct myself more on how to feel vs. on what to say. i've no idea what will happen...

and go back to "why?" -is it worth the anxiety? why do i say yes? volunteer for it even...

and i've recently come to this idea: that i was born with the spirit of a performer, an artist, a leader

and when i look back; remember.. remember my youth, i see that.. talent shows, dancing, choreography, student council, speeches..

it was innate in me to pursue and do these things. -but along the way..

my spirit was quite traumatized.. abusive environments/relationships, kidnappings/rapes, bank robbery, post trauma syndrome

the anxiety, i've decided, is what happens as the spirit tries to reclaim its life and purpose

it is easier to look at this with a physical example: when a person takes a terrible fall skiing maybe.. and is nearly paralyzed

and in order to regain strength.. the physical therapy involved will be painful, trying,

will include big set-backs, small successes;

and if you see someone during their physical therapy.. and you look at their facial expressions.. the sweat, the effort, the desire, the pain

-the pain. i don't think many of us bother to ask why? or is it worth it? of course it is. -the desired result is so easy for us all to understand and root for.. of course you want to walk again; of course it's worth it.

and i've had such a hard time understanding, explaining to myself or others, why i say yes/volunteer for things that cause me such anxiety (mental masochism?)

but i think this thought helps me come up with something that makes more sense

it's the human spirit fighting to recover; trying to walk again

it's like spiritual therapy vs. physical therapy

and either way, there's pain involved.

Monday, October 20, 2008

DEAR KATHY CORDOVA/JIM OTT cc: gail johnston

if not for comcast's new -spring-it-on-ya-flawed-and-very-confusing-not-so smart-zone communications center changes

which have fucked up my ability to send an email

i would be sending one write now. it would read like this:

to: kathy cordova, jim ott

cc: gail johnston

subject: you know i appreciate these kind of things..

body: hi friends.. can you send me a list of potential questions you might be asking during our in a word interview tomorrow.. you know i appreciate being able to think/write out my thoughts in advance; helps calm my nerves..

thank you! see you tomorrow

love, ~s.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


this shot up to the top of my favorite night's in 2008 list write away..

it was the p.p.i.e.'s (that's pleasanton partnerships in education foundation): bon appetit toasts and tastes of fall ~ culinary event ~ fundraiser.

tickets were like, $60 each, so no chance i would have been there if not for working at amelia's

(thank you gita/vinit again!) and being invited by chef steve to help out.

let me start by telling you what help out meant: it meant first, getting dressed up.. and i've not had many opportunities/reasons to get dressed up, so very excited about that

good, valid reason to put on my favorite long black gypsy skirt with sequence embellishments around the bottom, my high heel black boots, and found a pretty black top with a fancy open paisley shape near the neckline with a diamond-looking gem at the point on the clearance rack at macy's

and i must share here, a fashion-first for me. i went into that dressing room with 7 or 8 different blouses.. tried the black one mentioned above on first, and it fit so perfect, felt so comfortable, and hit so write within my budget, that i never did even try on the other blouses. just took it off and went straight to the counter to pay for it

next day, i think it was.. chef steve tells me maybe saturday is off.. i won't be going.

"but.. but.. i got a pretty blouse and made a hair appointment.. you're not allowed to change your mind.."

and so i think there was some shuffling done behind the scenes to include me after all.

i'm very grateful, because the next part of helping out meant leading everyone (chef steve & tony) to the carr america center. and i know write where that is because that's where the poetry, prose & art festival was held one year, and that's where centerpointe church was held inbetween their old and new locations.. and with my broken compass, usually i'm the very last person to be asked directions, but in this paricular case, with such confidence i could say, follow me boys.. and lead the way.

next it was my job to sit in chef steve's truck and listen to music while him and tony carted things inside the building, -because someone had to watch the stuff, write..-

and then it was my job to fill a bucket with water and bring it to our table, and then unwrap a few condiment containers.. and then, get this..

mix and mingle with our table partners. because each restaurant/chef's table is paired with a principal from one of the schools in the district, and a corporate sponsor

in our case, the principal was colleen henry, the principal from lydiksen elementary, and the corporate sponsor was shawn batoy, who sits on the p.p.i.e. board and works for robert half international. two of the coolest people you could hope to share a table with...

[hear my daughter's voice.. whenever we drive by...

is it robert half. -international? or robert. -half international?]

i hit it off with colleen write away, because i found out in no time that she is a fellow writer.. and not just a fellow writer, but a self-published fellow writer.. her and a best friend, had some time ago, during and in the aftermath of their mutual divorces, written an erma bombeck-ish, tongue n' cheek story about their experiences with divorce/single motherhood.. took them three years she told me.. and you know i have got to get my hands on one of those books! -which she believes she still may have available somewhere in the boxes in her garage..

in any case.. she was delightful, fun, light-hearted, generous, and i liked her immediately, but got even better when i learned that, like me.. she doesn't much cook

poor chef steve.. there he was with some 600 bacon wrapped shrimp, TWO grills..

and two women.. but neither one of us fighting over the chance to learn how to cook those shrimp

enter corporate heroine sponsor write here: because in walks shawn batoy, who knows her way around the kitchen..

thank God! -that shifted things so that chef steve actually had some talented/competent help with the grillin' and colleen and i were free to do what we do best,

drink. ~ i mean ~ .. open wine bottles and pour wine. and when i say, what we do best, i mean, between cooking or pouring

the opening part was a little tricky.. i've not used that type wine opener before, so cut a few corks in three, but .. after opening some 20 bottles, i started to catch on..

so this was how i helped out all night; this was, ~my job: open wine. drink wine. pour wine. visit with people and tell them about amelia's..

(waiting for full time position to open..) "and do you know about our new expanded menus? our live chef on friday nights?... we're on the same street as the farmer's market.. let me give you one of our cards.." smile. pour. next...

the wine by the way,

was.. was..

let me think..

because at some point, a man named david in a blue shirt, came to our table and told us.. he held

up a bottle, and pointed to the label, and explained in great, sophisticated detail, the name.. the grape, the location.. the year.. but he went really fast.. and i didn't have a pen and paper, just my ears.. so although colleen and i listend with every intention of sharing this information correctly with our guests.. the information seemed to disappear in random pieces in the air

did he say saugivnon blanc? he said, savin-yawn something..

and he said, grov-s, (ahs) not graves.. with a long A sound,

even though that's what was on the label

i never could say it with any confidence.. always a question mark..

"we really like this wine.. what is it?" and i would say.. sahvin-yawn blonk? and then instead would just pick up a bottle and let them read the label.. and here's the thing.. i don't think saugivnon blanc is mentioned anywhere on the label...

[have labels competely forgotten their role, i wonder]

colleen found her way around it by saying, and very professionally, i might add, "it's a light, french, white.." and just kept pourin'

i would later learn david is the husband of debi covello, who is the p.p.i.e's executive director..

enjoyed meeting them also; and here they are here:

and rarely, once i think, i felt a slight hint of guilt not working the grill, but chef steve said to me.. "you can be eye candy"

and i know what eye candy is, so i gave a yeah-write thanks, and thought to myself, .. definitely not eye-candy.. eye-broccoli maybe.. but definitely not eye candy

but i can report here, there were lots of beautiful women, in beautiful/sexy dresses to admire throughout the night..

great part of the fun, seeing everyone dressed up, with the men all very handsome, the women with their hair done, extra make-up, pretty outfits, shoes, and jewelry

and i got to see/visit with lots of people i've come to know over the past several years.. several parents from the kids schools and/or activities, former neighbors, other restaurant owners i've come to know, oh, look my ex-husband.. dan/teresa.. people from my writing circles, church circles, arts/crafts circles..

and that's write! jim & pam ... jim ott.. met him for the first time here -carr america center- during the poetry/prose/art festival.. and billy collins.. it's a lucky place i think

and many, many, people i met for the very first time, but know i will see again soon at amelia's.. because everyone ~ everyone ~ was falling in love with chef steve's bacon wrapped shrimp with cayenne pepper sauce

there was never a time steve and shawn were not refilling their pans with more bacon wrapped shrimp.. the aroma.. the sound of the skillet.. the hot, enticing, delicious shrimp, all red n' pink and sizzlin' fresh from the skillet.. that addictive spicy, cajun flavor..

seems like the fresh cooked batches would disappear quicker than our two star chef's could cook 'em -and our table was never without a line..

"we voted for you.. " or "where do we vote for you?" -heard this a lot, because not only was this a fundraiser for the schools, but a competition among the chef's and restaurants.

-somewhere, and i'm not sure where.. guests were invited to vote for their favorite appetizer, dessert.. favorite culinary team.. in the silent auction area i believe..

i was pretty sure we had it locked in, but when she announced the winners at 8:45..

amelia's wasn't mentioned. i felt so bad for chef, but he shook it off quick. - she, by the way, was heather quarterman, from kkiq -our local hometown station-

and i loved getting the opportunity to meet and talk with her for a while.. put face/name/voice all together for the first time, - and heather (if she does not mind me saying so.. ) is the very definition of eye-candy.

a beautiful, vibrant blond, with great style and confidence.. completely approachable/adorable, and fun to talk with

and i enjoyed learning she grew up here.. in livermore.. spent some time in journalism.. television, i think.. yes, -intended at first to be a weather girl - lived in san diego.. and by way of many different happenstances, found radio to be the perfect fit.. and is back home, in the tri valley, doing what she loves, and what it sure seems she is meant to do.. -and how cool is that.. to be a personality on the radio station you listened to growing up..

i talked with her in more length than with others, because she is experiencing, to a degree, a taste of what i believe might be ahead for me.. and we talked a little about that.. being recognized.. having people like/dislike you.. she told me she has not been recognized by her voice in stores or other public places, which surprised me, and she followed that by saying, "but i bask in my anonymity"

and it does seem pretty plush.. to be on the radio where it's your voice vs. your face out in the public arena

like with church, i do feel myself with one foot in, one foot out of my ambition to become a famous american writer.. because it is pretty awesome write now, to write what i want, when i want, how i want.. not answering to anyone, not meeting deadlines, or worse.. certain expectations, or to reach a specific audience population; with no book sale quotas to worry about

should i mess with this great freedom? i suppose if i could earn a living another way.. and keep writing like this, i would..

but can't figure out how to earn a living another way.. come to think of it.. i haven't figured out how to earn a living this way..

[skip depression dip, continue on.. ]

where was i? have i mentioned there is live music being played.. gorgeous music.. a tremendous flautist is standing out in my memory.. and that the whole place was decorated so beautifully.. with colorful fall leave decor all around.. glass sculptures filled with wine corks, ribbon, and more ribbon around each table, candles, table confetti, pumpkins.. gorgeous fall centerpieces sparkling everywhere

and it is circular, two-tiers of table after table, with every kind of gourmet appetizer you can think of being prepared before your eyes by all the great local restaurants and star chef's, and a different wine being poured from every table..

i'm not going to retype the menu, but hope i can link it here so you can see how amazing..

and did i mention we are surrounded by huge windows, so behind the scenes of all the lovely, festive people, the live cooking, the wine pouring.. the socializing.. the sky slowly darkens into a moonlit october night

it was an unbelievably wonderful, gorgeous/beautiful, ultra-fun, went-by-too-fast kind of night.

colleen and shawn left around 9:30, i think, so were unfortunatley not there for the surprise good news & extra happy ending

and -almost- neither was i.

i was busy helping chef steve pack things up and carry them to his truck. this time it was his turn to sit in his truck and listen to music while i brought things back n' forth

and i made two trips, with boxes and papers and menus.. but had seen a portable fire hydrant under the table. wasn't sure if each table was provided one for safety, or if it belong to chef..

which it did. so third and final trip back in to get chef's fire hydrant, just exactly as i'm walking through the glass entry doors, i hear heather quarterman on the mic again

"and the people's choice award goes to AMELIA'S.."

i was so happy and disappointed at the same time.. there was no colleen, or shawn, or chef steve to hear it with me..

so i hussled out, and soon as i was within shoutin' distance, hollered out to steve the good news..

then quick gave gita a call to share the good news -on her recorder-

and i'm not sure what goes along with this award.. a plaque? a prize? an announcement on the radio? the website?

but.. it sure was the perfect happy ending to an already great night to see the look on chef's face when i told him..

and i have no doubt, our "live chef" time at amelia's, where he prepares gourmet appeitizers while you watch, sip wine.. beer.. visit.. is going to grow in popularity and become the people's choice for friday nights too..


"cheers & congratulations to you chef steve! to gita/vinit! to everyone at amelia's!

pleasure meeting you colleen & shawn

and thank you to everyone at p.p.i.e. who contributed to this spectacular event!"

Monday, October 13, 2008


overload: can't sleep. -will return to write about, and i have no idea in what order:

centerpointe church/monday night groups, john piper's book, and how i will always have one foot in, one foot out of the christian experience. obviously, i keep returning every sunday, so i am benefiting/growing/learning, -and, i've joined a group on monday's to learn more, but ... yikes! the things i read make my skin crawl.. so far from what i've come to know/understand believe about God. -will repost passages here/comments with more details later. will continue to attend the group/workshop, don't waste your life, for the value of the relationships being formed with others, more than for the book.. except that it ignites in me a desire to share my very different point of view/my questions, issues..

and speaking of different points of view: the science channel.. this usurping all other topics.. the recent show re: time, and the upcoming show re: memory. -specifically, taking a pill to remove memories/avoid post traumatic stress disorder. this is unfortunately an area of expertise for me.. as a victim of, so will be watching with great interest/curiosity. but in the meantime, while i wait for this show to air next sunday, sends me back on a thought journey -an exhausting thought journey- about what that would be like -to remove, to selectively remove, memories. and this one question leads in so many different directions..

back to the show on time.. what do you mean we can't see time/touch time/taste time..?.. of course we can.. -and then watched their experiment with a man in a removed/cave environment, with no watch, no access to the natural light/darkness of day & night, to learn more about our body clocks.. what natural/innate stop-watches ... and they gave a name/label/location for that part of our brains -where the clock is- but what i found irritating is that they didn't also experiment w/a female.. and how, -obvious- we have innate body clocks, and how quickly the female menstrual cycle provides an example

and then to watch the (dropping out name of fish that appear within a 2 hour window on the shore of a given beach to mate) -and how, as the host explained -without clocks, or gps units, or maps, etc., these fish show up here and know what they need to do.. how they, without thinking about it.. show up on the shore, in this tiny window of precise time

and this sends me on an entirely different thought journey, about how much life is pre-programmed/instinctual vs. not http://science.discovery.com/tv/sci-q/sci-q.html

and that's enough writing for three months, without even touching the joys/experiences i've had over the week/weekend which include, but are not limited to: debra knox's band rocking the house at the pine st. bar & grill in livermore * plus the awesome video * plus the adventures of my taxi rides... how delicious the appetizers, how wonderful the company at amelia's friday night as a customer... how awesome the experience as an employee at the p.p.i.e. fundraiser, which is deserving of a post all its own.. and must mention here how amelia's won the people's choice award! -my head is spinning from the stories.. the people/the connections/the conversations/the food, the wine...

and my head is spinning w/stories from the taxi rides.. it's very layered; much to say..

and then church, and then our visit/adventures at the local pumpkin patch

and then, grateful to be appearing on in a word again with kathy cordova/jim ott.. this time, with gail johnston to talk about the social cause diet.. and i'm so pleased with this book; proud of what it offers.. grateful to have my story included/to be published. -know it is a privilege and important to talk about it etc,, etcs, but, this kind of opportunity is never anxiety free for me.. so in the background, below, above, to the sides of all other thoughts/responsibilities, the stir begins, about what i will want to say.. what i might be asked.. how i should answer.. and many exercises to calm/comfort myself: re-reading, writing, repeat, repeat, repeat -and i've noticed everytime i let my brain hang out on this topic, the word comes to me; tender. to treat this topic tenderly. gently.

and also in the background, below, above, to the sides of those thoughts, there is also, reflections art, the fundraiser/block party/in livermore for the tri valley haven, for which i will prepare again for make n' take mag time frames.. auditions for the vagina monologues.. (can't wait to see my sisters/and the goddess of everything..) -and then, working out work schedules, with school schedules, kids activities schedules

and lastly.. and i hope i can get back to sleep -how, in all of this, (and especially w/recent taxi rides) i do realize i'm healthier/stronger this october than last october; that progress is still being made. -how it happens with a gradual-ness similar to how our children grow

when we're not lookin.

Sunday, October 05, 2008


so i'm working at amelia's deli, and the list of idiosyncrasies you must know in order to place orders correctly in the computerized register is.. not short. and what i get write away, is that there is no way -no way- to pre-train or teach these things in advance. the ONLY way to learn is on an as needed basis

so for some basic things, the computer key matches exactly; turkey sandwich = turkey sandwich

i love those orders.

and then you let the customer choose which bread, what they do/don't want on their sandwich, drink? chips? fresh baked dessert? (can't help but think of squidmann here and if he ever surprises me again, i will ask, "and how 'bout one of our savoury snacks?")

but then come those orders for which there is no key to push.. no match on the screen.. and the ONLY way to place the order is to first ask gita, or tony.. or the other new person..

"hey, how do i....?"

and i don't know if this falls under the general laws of physics, but INEVITABLY, and quite CONSISTENTLY, it works like this:

every 1 question is followed by 3.

3 more questions. -3 more people in line.


so i do the best i can and with effort.. summon my sense of humor

prepare at the same time for the change that's coming.. -because they are in the process of creating entire new classic and gourmet menues for in house and catering

so new computer program/new idiosyncrasies. what i've learned these past couple weeks may become irrevelant by next month

which makes me summon amos lee lyrics, "keep it loose/keep it tight."

-AND i'm interrupted by the thought here, that i'll be printing this post out, and checking with owners gita & vinit whether i can keep this post (are you comfortable?), or, will by request, delete it.

it is my absolute instinct to write creative non-fiction, but never at the expense of the discomfort of others, so..


as i've expressed to gita, "this is heaven for a writer! working here.."

the stories pile up in me faster than.. (create your own analogy here ). but i'm aware, the majority will need to wait 20 years for a place on the fiction shelf under a pen name.

but i can tell the truth on myself..

turn myself in:

everyday i work at amelia's i return home and must empty out some 12 or more little, tiny, scraps of receipt paper.

on some papers, i've written my spanish words of the day, actual and phoenetic, because everyday i work i try and learn at least one spanish word. catalina speaks almost exclusively spanish and i speak exclusively english, and so we've agreed to help one another out

so to date i've learned/taught (but not necessarily retained), spoon, fork, knife, shoe, good morning, good, how are you, the #16, rag, towel, and soaking wet (moo-cha ag-wa)

after drying the tables/chairs on the patio after our first night's rainfall.

but i know unless i employ these words and use them in my actual vocabulary several times a day, several days in a row

they disappear like (create your own analogy here).

and on the other tiny scraps of paper, is written

send agent. please send agent. literary agent. please.

because it is my nature to write when i'm nervous.

/and when i'm happy, when i'm sad, when i'm hungry, when i'm confused.. but the point here..

and i know.. - i know - landing a literary agent and signing my lucrative contract, and living out my days in the literary arts will not eliminate my anxieties/nervousness/discomfort/insecurities

in fact, i'm quite convinced, they will increase

but so will my income. that makes the return on investment more attractive.

any number of things will cause me to grab a scrap of paper and my pen:

i think the most recent, was.. the case of the unpaid-paid coffee drink.

went like this: hyper-sensitive-people-pleasing-relatively-new-cashier-who-wants-only-always-to-do-the-write-thing (that would be me), brings delicous, gourmet, breakfast out to husband/wife on the patio

* husband/wife, by the way, have beloved dog with them.. as that very morning, the rains had drenched/ruined the 8 1/2 x 11 sign held by tape to the iron fence surrounding the patio that once read: NO PETS IN PATIO AREA. -and, it does not roll off my tongue with ease

okay; at all. that this is the policy at amelia's. i kindly (cowardly) overlook what is a precious, cute, well mannered dog. think to myself.. pleasanton, being practically the dog capital of california.. home of the famous pooch parade..

well, maybe i can talk gita/vinit into allowing dogs in the patio area. maybe. or maybe not. does a 2-3 new cashier make such suggestions? i don't know.. i've forgotten all the rules.


husband says to me, "where's my coffee? i paid for coffee, but didn't get one" -and, i had JUST looked at his receipt in the kitchen, because i was triple-checking the table # match with the food on the plate to make sure i got that part write, and knew -or thought i knew- there was no coffee on the receipt.

so offer to bring him a coffee (even though amelia's has a self-serve counter), but when i go in to get the coffee, re-check the receipt there is no coffee listed. very well then,

bring the gentleman his coffee, and politely say something like, "i'm sorry.. we didn't charge you yet for the coffee..." and he is reaching in his pockets for some cash, but at the same time convinced he paid

i'm convinced (based on my evidence) he did not. his wife knows they did. she shows me a receipt and sure enough, her receipt shows they paid.


so i get to feel like an idiot, apologize of course, and then it's further pointed out to me, that they paid for a LARGE coffee, but what i brought the gentleman was a small. so, now i'm back inside getting another small coffee for the lady, to make up for the errors

now i'm back checking that damn receipt again, our receipt, and there is no coffee... but their receipt clearly shows a coffee.. i just don't get it. then alfredo comes to me with an entirely different receipt, that shows the coffee

that's write about when i grab a scrap of paper and write: send agent. literary agent. over and over again.

the other times is anytime i make the slightest error.. and i do see my peers making the same number of errors and the same kind, fairly innocent: forgot the drink cup, wrong soup, forgot setting of silverware, etc. -except that i hate making those errors more than anyone else i think

i want to perform error free. and i've come to learn this is just not realistic.

i hate that more than other people too i think, that it's just not realistic.

so have adjusted my performance standard to, "do my best."

and i think.. you'd think.. that as a mom, i might be able to handle several incoming requests/needs at once, but truth is, i'm best with one customer, one special order at a time.

sometimes i'll have a customer placing a special order (for which there is no matching key), and another customer wants the restroom key, now please, and another leans in from the side, wanting to know where the straws or napkins are

i'm at risk here for sending one person to the bathroom for straws, while i hand the restroom key to the customer ordering the sandwich, and the sandwich to the person who wants to use the restroom

so adjusted my performance standard again to, do my best; one customer at a time.

and find a scrap of paper, and write that down: do your best; one at a time.

this calms me so.

it's been/remains, such a chronic state of learning/navigating/negotiating.. the computer system, the idiosyncrasies, the new upcoming menues, the personalities of co-workers, the personalities of customers, my own personality..

when things go write -which in truth, is the majority of the time- it is so utterly rewarding and gratifying

when the order is write, i remembered the special requests, i remembered the drink cup, i remembered the oatmeal cookie, their sandwich arrives on time, they sat at freshly cleaned table,

when all communication lines up.. from customer order to computerized register, to cooks/sandwich-maker, back to customer's table..

just glorious.

and i know several returning customers by name now, who rave about their meals and service.

this is as comforting, calming, reassuring as all my little scraps of paper.

but my dream remains:

send agent. literary agent.

in fact, i've recently posted a flyer in amelia's window.. about my recently published work -and the upcoming reading/release party

makes quite public my desire to become a famous american writer, enjoy a life-long career in the literary arts

because, i've landed on this thought; this realization about the risk of making your dreams public knowledge

best case scenario: your dream comes true.

worst case: it does not.

anyway.. in amelia's, as in life, you get customers that fall in two basic categories