Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Monday, May 30, 2016


Sunday, May 29, 2016

haughty, humbled, forgiven. (me!), sandra, tvgp

i suppose the trigger/cerebral hyperlink here is having recently wrote about singing.

***

4TH grade.  -whole class tries out for the choir.  we all went to the multi-purpose room, and sang as a class, and then each individually sat down with the choir teacher  /name?   at the piano, and sang a few notes.

-and all went back to class.   and a number of days later, our classroom teacher, Mr Crist, read from a list he was provided by the choir teacher, the names of the students who qualified to be in the choir.

 make up a few names here...  diane, jack, agnes....

and among the names called was, "sandy"

the thing is, only one "sandy" name was called, but there were two of us in the classroom.

"which sandy?"   -we both asked.

and i'm projecting here, that she knew it was her, but in a place of under-confidence, and generosity offered up that it must be me.

and, i, in a place of over-confidence, and complete denial, thought, well it must be me...

and, so..

as the choir list did not have last names, it was decided that each of us, would sit with the choir teacher a second time, and he would let us know which sandy qualified.

may i say here, i am VERY ENORMOUSLY grateful, there is no video available from this experience; I'm sure the humiliation would do me in

but, sandy went at one point, and i at another.

as i sat next to the choir teacher, on the piano bench, and sang a few notes.  "its a grand ole' flag! it's a high flyin' flag, and forever in peace may it wave..."

well, he looked at me, with a certain gentle, kindness, and politely let me know, that it was definitely the other sandy that qualified.

did some part of me know this already?     -sad to say, probably not.  denial of the genuine kind.

anyway..

it was humiliating.

and, when it came to the time, for the students in choir, to leave the classroom, in the following week, to go to the multi-purpose room for choir practice.

i still went.

so, the rest of the class was expecting to see which "sandy" really made it, and i lied as i left the class, explaining that we both did.

and i remember standing on one of the steps, mixed in next to the other qualified singers, hoping to blend in and not get noticed by the choir teacher

but we in fact made eye contact.

the potential was there, in a BIG WAY for my humiliation to become square-rooted to the unbearable degree,

but, do you know, the choir teacher looked at me in a knowingly way

and did not ask me to leave.

i was spared.

and i mostly lip synced in gratitude for his mercy.

and sandy and i were good, dear friends, for a long time..   and she never called me on it either.

-because, that's exactly what good friends sometimes do

not do.

in   -does anyone know if Jesus could sing? name,    -I'm pretty sure all the angels can and do!

hallelujah and amen.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

i hear her voice. (Dr Maya Angelou!) -is with (me!) sandra, tvgp

this is a poem I wrote in response to Dr Maya Angelou's poem, On The Pulse of the Morning.  It was a featured poem in the longer piece I wrote and co-starred in at the Firehouse Art Center in Feb of 2014:  Kissin' The Chocolate Blues.  As ive mentioned before,  -took me some 30+ years to write this poem in a couple days.

***


when i heard my doctor

Maya Angelou

recite her poem at the inauguration of president bill clinton in 1993

i listened
  
       with the methodical heart beat and limited attention span of a chronically ill patient

we've heard it

ALL

starts to sound the same,
doesn't it

not hard to read my indifferent pulse on this blanduary morning   -doctor

Maya Angelou

i surrender

one more time.   what did you just say?   can you

Write that down.

so i can look (that) up

i'll never remember

         -on my own,

what does that even mean, doctor

Maya Angelou?  you are talking

over my head  -no less to midas than the

What?! is she tryin' to say exactly?    "Good Morning?"

very simply?

with hope    -you want me look in my "sister's" eyes?!  doctor
Maya Angelou

in my "brother's" face

that's awfully optimistic Mz. doctor..

'do not be wedded forever to fear,'    you say

'yoked eternally to

Bruitishness is all i've ever known doctor
Maya Angelou.     Bruitishness is all i've ever known.

from the middle eastern "brother" who kidnapped me from my own bedroom

to the mexican "sisters" that bullied me until

i changed schools.    i had to change schools
 doctor
Maya Angelou

how can i say "good morning" to anyone?!  when a black man raped me at gunpoint

and another held a gun to my head in a bank robbery   -when a giant white man abused, controlled,  and dominated the little white child, me

speakin' of oppression..  and slavery..  did you think you had a monopoly on this?

all i've ever known is bruitishness    - pirates desperate for gain

starving

pillaging my dreams, bombing my family with nightmares.   that's all i've ever known

cynicism and blood and fear

and nothing.

seems to matter  -evil lurks everywhere and   -ask me who   -ask me who

because evil lurks inside the asian, the hispanic, the african and jew
 indian, irish
catholic, muslim, atheist too

say 'good morning' -i will not!
to the turk, the swede, the german  or scot

that's one slippery rock doctor
Maya Angelou.
that's one toxic river; and one question for the tree...

when were we all one?

once upon a time... we're we really all one
doctor
Maya Angelou...

your words, your voice, your presence

dares me       -you dare me?   you dare me     -to climb back on that slippery rock and find my balance

 to clean the river with my own two, fully functioning, hard workin' hands

 dare me:     to swim against my own current
circumstances

 toward that forward leaning horizon and mythical unmoved tree


is that where i find courage doctor
Maya Angelou?

or do i need it to get there?

where all my dreams that were murdered, and hopes that committed suicide
are resurrected

over

years it took me

to heed your advice doctor
Maya Angelou

"too good to be true"

common for chronically ill patients to

say

simply

very simply

"Good Morning."

a piercing need?   THAT is your prescription for our country?   -are you serious

ly.     -it IS a piercing need; how did you know?

"good morning."

i whispered it to a perfect stranger today doctor
Maya Angelou

and he said 'good morning' back.   check my pulse!

"Good Morning."

i said it to a mexican today doctor    -she said 'Good Morning' back!

Oh! doctor
Maya Angelou!   "GOOD MORNING!"


i said it to a black man, a gay man, a priest!  
i said it simply  -very simply.  it's like a  "Good Morning!" feast

to a lesbian, a blind child, a store owner; his  labor
i even said 'good morning' to my republican neighbor!

check my pulse!  it's one fine morning

doctor
Maya Angelou...

-something tragic happened.

over

 the years its taken me to heed your advice

something tragic has happened and grown worse every year

that's one slippery rock doctor
Maya Angelou

i haven't said "good morning"

for months 

i've been silent.  unnoticed, unheard

not one simple, very simple, not one simple word


"GOOD MORNING!"  i say, but not one of them hears

they've all got those friggin' phones in their ears!

i look out and up, but my sisters
and brothers look down

what good, doctor
Maya Angelou


is my courage now?

Type inkling in the search bar of this blog.. for (me!), sandra, tvgp

if not for the hoops, time, patience, energy, paperwork and interviews required

none of which i am willing to jump through; or even lift a leg..

but if i could just start.. bypassing all the ... all that.

i would teach a Dr Maya Angelou course, the way current teachers/professors teach Shakespeare.

-with love in every memory..    xoxo

Friday, May 27, 2016

"Cheers!" from Pier 29 in Alameda

.. got to enjoy sue regniers company two days in a row, and my mom sharing her pictures/stories from her recent visit to her home state of Ohio..

at the beautiful views all around restaurant pier 29 in Alameda..

with..  one guess.. what we had to drink, after the rave reviews from the prior day

-lemon drop martinis..!    -here they serve them in a different style glass, with rainbow sugar sprinkles around the glass rim..

delicious!  

and how fun would it be, we discussed, to make that one of our group activities:   compare and contrast lemon drop martinis throughout the bay area..  Yes..

"Cheers!".   & " thank you! Love you!". -best mom in the universe..   welcome home.. 

The Happy Room by... (Jill vellinger!)

-this is one of the best discoveries for me of 2016..

i had absolutely NO IDEA the room I've been renting from my sister for who keeps track of how many years..

the room, which was, prior to my needing/renting it, was my nieces room..

the room which I've always described as the happy room..

with its beautiful bright blue sky color painted walls above a colorful flower wall paper border, which is above a bright green base..   with let your light shine.. Painted over the window..  and a tree created/painted and attached to the wall itself..    -with a swing here, and a kite there..

well, all this time I've enjoyed it..  I never knew WHO designed it several, many years ago..  11?

and very recently, when my sister and Jill crossed paths in downtown pleasanton and then happened in at ricks picks at the same time..   my sister said, "that's who painted Sarah's room.."

and I was like.. "Jill Vellinger?!?..   I know and love her..."

and I don't think my sister realized, Jill is the same person who organized/created The Big Draw events in downtown, and! Is an interior designer recommended/affiliated with ricks picks..

and I just want you to know Jill...  LOVE what you did with the place..    darling and perfect for the baby my niece was at the time,

but you know what..   still wonderful for the 50 year old literary & mixed media artist auntie sandy..   in the cold and early dark of winter.. im still always surrounded by blue skies, sunbeams, and an evergreen tree!

i thought you might appreciate, as an artist and mom yourself, how..

well, when my niece was sent to her room sometimes, many years ago.. for time-outs..

in her frustration, she would peel the wallpaper border.. 

pick the flowers...

and take a look at THE HEART SEEN there!  -actually, there are SEVERAL heart shapes from her picking/pulling the wall paper..

and I wish it could stay exactly as it is write now..

forever!   I'd never touch it if it were left to (me!).   and despite being in this room for a number of years, surrounded by said torn wall paper..

it was only last year, or the year before that I noticed

The Heart Seen... "Look! Write there!...   and over there!  Oh my goodness, there's like a whole row..."

anyway..   its just beautiful Jill!   "Thank you!"

Jillvellingerdesigns.com

"..but it did!..." as experienced by (me!) sandra, tvgp

i know; i remember..   there were these magical moments last year, at Barones music under the stars events, where i was just certain

-when you combine the perfect climate, with our favorite band, pride & joy.. Live!  and the awesome dance company of our friends, Motown & Craig.. all the people we've come to know by face and dance moves.. the staff.. the delicious drinks.. the gorgeous trees and lighting.. the happy crowds..  dancing to our favorite songs..

i was just certain,  it doesn't get better than this

But I was wrong; because it got EVEN BETTER than all that at last nights opening..

take everything i just mentioned and add on:

add write on to the dance floor/stage itself BIG SCREENS which allowed us live-music-dance-starved, slash, authentic WARRIOR FANS to

-get this..

WATCH the game WHILE we DANCED!  and, all by itself, that is pretty awesome, because

ive been watching these games at home, with my sister on the couch, and me in a recliner in my pajamas..

so to be all dressed up, outside, with friends and a much larger crowd,  -dancing..  "..yes, its ladies night..oh what a night..what a night!"

and all cheering TOGETHER..  

well, i think it might just be the very reason "THEY WON!"

-and add on further.. our newest friend, sheila, who we met at main street brewery, and who loves live music, the bands, and dancing..

-dare i say, even more than I do! Sheila is another one of those fantastic people who will dance from the strum of the first song, to its past closing time,  -no alcohol or partner required, but nor turned down..     -easy to spot her even in the tremendous crowd.. because her favorite spot is write in front of the band..  

***

and now im equally certain.. it does not get better than that!

***

/which feels to me now, partially and practically, a way for God to say..   'oh yeah..  wait til you experience what else I can do'

***

and now I half expect Russell crowe to tap me on the

...  shoulder...

and ask me to dance sometime before the season ends.

"Thank you Jesus! ... and everyone mentioned..  and BRI, for transportation/sitting..    amen!"
-

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Jealousy. as interpreted by (me!) sandra, tvgp



I am quite restricted by time, to write what id like, but will get this out and on the digital/e-page:

1.  -of interest to me, that in The Secret Power of Speaking God's Word, Joyce Meyer's book..  the table of contents is alphabetized, but as we read, we can see it goes from I, to L.

skipping J.    and so, no direct passages/chapter on the topic of Jealousy.

***

this morning, on her Enjoying Everyday Life, program, she spoke on the topic.  in brief, she told a humorous story of being required/requested by God, to be very specific in her confession,   -not just say, sorry I have sinned.. kind of thing, but   -specific

and she confesses,  ".. I was jealous of one of my friends, I was jealous of the blessing my friend received.."

***

now,  -what remains a long fascination for me, is not jealousy itself, but rather, HOW WE INTERPRET/IDENTIFY/NAME that ...   internal feeling; experience.

it is very specific, isn't it.    not sad, or hurt, or ...  a myriad of other things.    -how is it that we

  -interpret, indentify and explain our  -feelings?   this feeling, of jealousy.

***

anyway, one quick true story on the topic, and how I will forever give myself the naivety award, because,

the memory this triggers, is when,  -during my Mag Time Frame days, when I was introducing my product to a panel of people in the industry

prior to attending the meeting, someone said to me,  "now.. you have to know that they are going to be jealous that they did not come up with this idea themselves.."

and true, true, true:   until that was said, directly to me, out loud   -I had not once even considered it.

I really, truly, thought, everyone would be happy, because I had created a product that would help sell millions of embellishments/supplies/tools, etc.   that were otherwise only restricted to scrapbooks.  I had created a new platform/foundation..   it was a win/win!

... but..    to say the industry, people thereof, were   -happy.  well, this certainly did not turn out to be the case.    too bad, really..

but go to school on me..     see, what I learned for you...

***

if Joyce were to add, a chapter on Jealousy..   I'm going to invest some time, in the near future, guessing which passages out of the bible she would guide us to

to help us overcome/tackle, rise above, this very specific and non-productive  feeling..

perhaps, its all under the topic of INSECURITY,  page 30:

***

in the dictionary:  jealous = resentment toward someone.     -again, how is it that we interpret resentment  -what synapses to what to = that feeling?   once we have the feeling/how is it, we interpret/identify?

it certainly seems to me, we need the basic foundation of this information before we can overcome it.

   -hold every thought captive!   examine it..     check it for truth...

***

now, I live/work in environments where I am literally surrounded by people who are materially/physically/financially blessed in ways I am not; and yet I have no resentments

very little, jealousy

and I credit entirely my spiritual walk.  my volunteer/free will surrender of my will to God.  and I have locked in my heart and mind, that if God wants me to have this or that; I will.  and if God does not; I wont..   and I fully trust God, so..  

and the same, I project that on to others...     -and its all so we can learn..

I will close with this:   I sure wish I could sing!   I say it all the time...   if I could sing...   there would be no shutting me up.  id be out singin' on a street corner somewhere write now!    -but I don't feel

it is not my interpretation that I feel jealous of people who can sing..    I admire it!  I think..   oh! how lucky that God blessed you that way!   and I listen; listen; listen..  love to listen to people who can sing

and the whole   -or at least, one of the big reasons I write like I do.   

is because I cant sing.       blessing in disguise...   keep your eyes and ears out, keep your mind and heart open,  - for these kinds of things..


In Jesus truthful name,   amen!

Sunday, May 22, 2016

"Yes. YES!" through the bedroom door. as heard by (me!) sandra, tvgp

.. now, i am not the type person who holds a glass up to a closed bedroom door; or peeps through cracks..  

but.  -i do admit to slowing my walk down and taking many small steps vs. my usual brisk walk by, and past.

mostly because..   well, my sister and i have built in codes about these kinds of things.  we were roommates, remember, for over 8 years before we each fell in love, got married, had children.

and then roommates again, after our divorces.  we don't even have to verbalize rules, policies or procedures..   we have by this time established entirely telepathic common courtesy practices; mutually established and agreed upon.

so, the ONLY reason i slowed my walk, was because,

well, I heard her say "Yes.". rather loudly..  through a small opening in her bedroom door.

and to my knowledge; she was alone.    and, sure we both do talk to ourselves/sometimes, but it was somehow distinct from that..

" YES!".   -she said it louder this time..

/hmmmm.

my mind calculated that her kids were both out of the house with family.. 

And, well...   maybe I was so quiet..  and my work schedule so non-predictable

Maybe she forgot I was even in the house.

"No.".  I heard her say.   -twice.  "No" and then "NO" again.

I smiled to myself.   We've all been there, haven't we..   -if only a little to the left, or write...  if only up over there, and not down..

so elusive sometimes..

"YES!".  I heard her say..   and I felt happy for both of them.  -ah,  he found it...    good job!

and then as i continued on my way to the kitchen, I heard her say

"MAKE A PAYMENT".   and then,  " STATEMENT AMOUNT"

and have been laughing ever since.  

***

... someone found a way to make cell phone bill paying exciting didn't they... 

"Cheers!" .. from paradisosanleandro.com

public "thank you!" to sue regnier!  very beloved and long time family friend.. 

for spoiling me with her delightful company and a belated happy 50th birthday lunch.

in one word:   spectacular.

she introduced me to my first /but definitley not my last!
lemon drop martini... 

and when i order one again, at a different time and place.. she explained i should not probably hold it to this perfect standard.  So!

my first lemon drop martini happen to taste the best they are capable of tasting!  

and we shared a...  some beautiful in presentation, and perfect in texture/temperature/flavor ratio: crab/avacado appetiser..

-devoured it.

and she had her very first lamb burger...   which she loved; save only that next time she would order it med/rare vs. med...

i thoroughly enjoyed my fettucini/smoked salmon...

but honey, we did not stop there.  

we each boxed half of our main meals to save room for...

chocolate molten cake!   and coffee...

sat next to the window, -of course..   took in the fantastic and inspiring view of the residential architecture..   each home so unique in character and design from its neighbor..

-polar opposite of the track/uniform housing where i currently rent a room..

and, quite wonderful, the art inside the restaurant itself..  several large canvases of trees/forest scenes..  

great visit too..  catching up on life..  mutual friends/family.. milestones of weddings/careers/set backs and victories..

"I love & Thank you!" so much for this great time! at this great place..

I have officially decided to have more birthdays...  more often..

in fact,  august 13th.. is my 50 1/2...    

In Jesus loves fellowship, breaking bread and lemon drop martinis name...  amen!

Saturday, May 21, 2016

The Hearts Seen.. by (lee ann caldwell!)

.. even more from Carmel..  God loves when people visit the beach..  -see!   She has a bouquet of wild heart rocks..  Beautiful! Xoxo

The Hearts Seen... by (lee ann caldwell!). Carmel beach...

this is such a good sign... !  and wonderful photograph! "Thank You!". Xoxo

Friday, May 20, 2016

SPEAKING of being POPULAR WITH OLDER MEN.. that reminds (me!), sandra, tvgp

original post titled HE THOUGHT ~ SHE THOUGHT written in 2008.   trigger/cerebral hyperlink for re-post this morning, is in the current title.


***

i've so much i want to say and write about the poetry, prose & art festival, but first i must tell you about THE NIGHT BEFORE THE FESTIVAL.. (that would have made a better title, huh.. anyway..),

went down like this: i had just finished hanging signs and putting up displays here n' there for the festival and it was time to go home. i was tired. very tired. but on my way through the parking lot to my car i was approached by one of the elderly men from the senior center

"i have an extra ticket to see the music man tonight, wanna be my date?" he asked (and quite innocently, i might add)

thoughts raced through my mind... the kids are with their dad tonight... i'm available.. it's friday night.. i love the theatre.. it's more fun to go places with people than alone... there's no reason not to go really... i can rally for the cause.. i should say


"yes!"


and next thing you know i'm on the wheels bus with 25 seniors, sitting next to my new friend ron, on our way to the bankhead theatre (where i just performed a week ago) to see the music man, presented by the pleasanton playhouse

and in retelling this story to my workshop leader, martha alderson and classmates at the poetry, prose n' art festival, this is the part where everyone went like,

"oh, how sweet.. how nice of you"

"BUT NO! ..." i warned them, 'cuz guess what...

here i was thinkin' i was just good company.. maybe like a surrogate granddaughter or something.. or maybe (at age 42) a surrogate daughter

but ron was seein' things a whole different way.

when he said, "date" -he meant DATE.

and i want you to know i had to bat that man's hands off my shoulder, then my leg!

he was no innocent elderly senior citizen in need of company... he was a four-handed flirty non-stop frisky type disguised in a mr. rogers sweater!

a couple other seniors on the bus were laughing... "how do you do it ron? go out to your car for a sweater and bring back a date?"

"i have my secrets," he smiled back, trying to hold my hand.


~what have i gotten myself into?~


i tried engaging ron in conversation to distract him from the thoughts that came more naturally

i learned he'd worked in the lumber yards for many years; was from canada originally, had seven children,

learned about how he'd prayed to the lord in his early twenties to be freed from alcoholism, and it worked. learned his wife of many years had been sick for some time and was recently moved into a nursing home in livermore.

and while we were en route he pointed out the window to a middle aged man in a plaid shirt walking with a bit of a stumble

"that's my son," he said, "can't stop drinking" -and he went on to share that his son had recently been released from jail

and my thoughts then went to my maternal grandma (my mom-ma) who passed in april a number of years ago -what a conversation with her might be like, if you were sitting next to her on the greyhound bus (she refused to fly and didn't like trains). six children.. two of her boys alcoholics, in and out of jail their whole adult lives..

" i think the advances they're making in neuroscience are gonna help alcoholics one day... within the next ten years," i said. and ron gave me the same look everyone does when i say that..

overwhelming doubt.

every opportunity he could, ron would put his arms around my waist... to help me out of my seat, to help me off the bus, to help me to my seat...

and every opportunity i could, i removed his hands from my body.

the performance was outstanding. the props were magnificent, the lighting fantastic, the cast excellent, the singing, the orchestra... the story...

"i paid a lot of money for that ticket," ron told me, "i'm glad it didn't have to go to waste"

"it's not going to waste with me," i assured him, "i love the theatre. thank you for inviting me"

and then he took that opportunity to invite me on a cruise in florida -for a week!

"i'm not going on any dates until my kids are in college," i told him, as i placed his hands back on his own lap.

and i mixed n' mingled with the other seniors, 80% women, during the intermission and after the show on our way back to pleasanton. -none of them quite sure what to make of me

(and i was acutely aware if i did not get my hair painted every 3 weeks, i would have blended write in.)

"i'm writing my first play write now," i told them, "for the firehouse art center.. when it opens a couple years from now. i hope you'll come"

and i promised ron a free ticket to my first play as a thank you. -got his address/contact info-

threw him my "and that's all you're gettin'" look. -gave him a quick hug and said good-bye.

but i've got in my head that i'll send ron two free tickets, -just to see who else falls for that mr. roger's sweater trick that worked on me.

i spy my lucky number... "Cheers!"

Thursday, May 19, 2016

make that 4 things.. suggests (me!) sandra, tvgp

from a talk I gave at Pleasanton Middle School..  I recommended each student have three things before heading to high school

1.  a lucky number

2. a favorite quote

3. your word..  that one word that captures your essence


we know mine:  213, /which you can I spy in the picture here today;  "BE the change you wish to see in the world" & "you cant use up creativity, the more you use, the more you have.."    /same can be said of love; yes..    and, VERVE.   /but if Russell crowe is anywhere in earshot, let's make that verve~vacious.

k,

but you know what else you should have:  a bible passage. I'm not using the word favorite here; or most beautiful..      but more like,  -the passage that you most deeply spiritually connect with, and/or that is divinely inspired..

mine is Isaiah 54.   it is not my favorite.  it is not the most beautiful, to me..   it is not the most important..   but it has been   -gifted to me.   and I re-read it with some regularity

it is also one of those passages I "happened" across, when randomly opening the bible, closing my eyes, and pointing a finger...     and, look here, Isiah 54:  12-13...   




and my personal interest is much more in the new testament, but this is my passage.   "Thank You!" Jesus and Isaiah...      "... think I finally found my hallelujah!....."



Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Tulip. photography & a poem by (me!) sandra, tvgp

i lie to rest here

the idea, that tulips,

are in bloom

when they stand straight up

in straight lines

all in a row and very uniform; save color.

it is a beautiful sight no doubt.  miracles on a stem, each and every

but the tulip is not truly in bloom

until it begins to take

its very own shape.

learn its own dance.

until it moves in space to its own music,

gravity and destiny.

until it sheds the unnecessary.

and reaches up, and out, and down

and in every direction

with gratitude for its being

ALIVE


the tulip




is most beautiful

not write after it breaks through the soil

but because it broke through;

not as it opens

but because it opens

not when looking all alike


 the tulip

is most beautiful

when it looks only like itself

in the company

of liked others.


each becoming and fulfilling a living, breathing, colorful sculpture of nature and times design



 what shape will each tulip take?


you cannot know.

only

enjoy.


and understand

that you,

you uniform human; save color

you are a tulip

too.




 on your way

to


becoming someone

unique


lovely


intriguing


and


colorful and kind.
    if you let it.

it happens on its own.

quite naturally.

every little tulip already knows how to bloom.


 

Obvious. (Me!) sandra, tvgp

/cant remember which filter I chose..  Latte?   anyway..   as a carefree brunette, there were occasions like,  "honey. I'm flattered to be sure, but I'm old enough to be your mother.."

and now, with my gray, it appears my popularity is growing with older men.  I think this is because they see me as obviously in their age bracket; they don't have to guess...

and at the risk of this being received different from the way

I mean it

Men are somehow both obviously blind and blindly obvious at the same time.

not ALL men, of course..

/just...   99%.     

-she says with a smile..

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

WILD THINGS mixed media on wine bottle, by (me!) sandra, tvgp




.. in beautiful memory of my aunt tina, who gifted me the book some 40+ years ago...

The Heart Seen... on squidmann's cousin (lisa!'s) skin..

emailed to me by squidmann.  AKA: leonard stegmann.   but he typed, birthmark..     -there are no such things as birthmarks, though, squidmann.   don't you remember?  weve had this talk.

they are called:  beauty marks.    /type that in the search bar of this blog, to refresh your memory: beautymark contest.


and this here, looks like a love tattoo from heaven; heart angel with wings..   love it!  a wonderful contribution!  "thank you!"


Monday, May 16, 2016

..barefoot over hot coals... (me!) & (jennifer!)


Jennifer.
she's been there. she's done that. SHE still has the T-shirt!

***

without reading any of my prior posts ive written on the topic of tony robbins, I will here just bullet point:   the thing to keep in mind, is that I am 50..   and that is my view; my window.  I'm rather curious what my thoughts were 3 days after the event itself..   vs now.  but now:

* I only went because someone else couldn't go and gave me their ticket(s).   -I cannot remember if I went with someone..  who

* I would have never been able to AFFORD a ticket myself

* mine was like, the only clunky car in the parking lot.   it was obvious money was not an issue for the participants..   -from my perspective.  perhaps from their own, they were drowning in debt, or not and were just after more..   not sure.

* tony robbins was, -and remains, probably one of the best public speakers ive encountered.  mesmerizing, attractive, dynamic, persuasive, engaging, animated, powerful...    people never their seats for bathroom breaks, or if they smoked..  they did not leave for cigarette breaks..   you didn't want to miss one word..

* there was great music, piped loud..   the rocky theme..   and he told personal stories, of how he went from below zero financially,  -deep debt, to..   overload.   plus found the love of his life,  -kids..  living in a castle now..

* walking over hot coals, for me, was not nearly as big a deal as it was for others..  in my mind, prior to attending, I had already seen/heard, people from age 7 to 99 had done it..    it wasn't all that rare, or not do-able..

but we marched, and chanted, and all joined together, in a sport -team pre-game get yourself excited, pumped-up kind of way..  and stood in our respective lines.  it was outside, and beautifully moon lit..  plus music..

I did it.    -I smiled.

others did it..  and they fell to the ground, screaming, crying from happiness, pacing around..   a fear so big..!  and they conquered it!   it was very dramatic..   a very, very, big deal for others..

looking back, and from that perspective only, .. I cant help but wonder if there weren't a few people paid to make things look as if they were a bigger deal than they were.  common thing for producers..

and

I would learn, that if you wanted to see tony again..    and who didn't really, he was an awesome and very inspiring speaker..

but the ticket prices?!   -and there were upcoming events in maui...

and so looking back, I can easily see how tony robbins has become a multi-millionare..  the tickets to his events, all the tapes, books, sold from his events and infomercials..   on and on

but it is very interesting to see his interview with Charlie rose, in the aftermath of the economic depression which hit so hard in 2008.. and forward

it is my assessment, that people like tony robbins..  and the inspiration they provide..  

that all does very well, when large populations of people have large sums of money, and remain hungry for a better life, and turn this way and that to achieve it.


and, mimicking already successful people, and already successful teams...

but..

and so, what I witnessed, and again, I'm looking back from 50..   is temporary inspiration for the participants

and long term financial gains for tony.

and, as we live in a capitalistic society; he is to be congratulated..    -write.   and every generation will see a new version of tony robbins.  dynamic speaker/expensive tickets/promises for a better life

***

anyway..  that's my take.    Jennifer's plate is too full currently, but I have invited her, and she has accepted, when the window of time opens, to share her perspective and experience here on my blog too.

***

have I shared my personal definition of capitalism?

it is when how much money you make is more important than how you make it.

***

in Jesus everlasting name,   amen!

Sunday, May 15, 2016

speaking of numbers.. by (me!) sandra, tvgp

"Thank you!" (Keeshie!) love you too! Xoxo

True days off. for (me!) sandra, tvgp

so, when I was poet laureate for example.. I had very few, if any, true days off.  Because When I was scheduled off from ricks picks I was still quite consumed with domestic obligations; appointments i could not make otherwise and tried to pile in on my day off; and planning/writing/organizing/preparing for events, etc.

so, there was always a frustrating conflict, when someone might say, "you have today off"

I felt compelled to answer, "well, I have it off from ricks picks.. but, trust me, I am still working.."

stretches like that highly increase my awareness of, and appreciation for, what I call

TRUE days off.

and for yesterday I am most grateful.

- pouring wine in the great outdoors and indoors of tenuta winery, with delightful others.. the great music selection by rich..

who was celebrating his birthday, and added to the joyful energy..

and who honored my request for, "good to be alive, hallelujah!" by andy grammar, which is a song that pairs very well, with any white, any red, or beer sample, and especially well with champagne..

such a gorgeous day! and then a beautiful rolling green hills, vineyards galore drive over to bent creek, where Catherine/dan teeter and friends were enjoying each others company and delicious wines, and Marianne was pouring..

and I got to thank Catherine for her book recommendation...

and go on and on about the warriors and steph curry...

and listen to their stories, memories, adventures..

and! Engage with Jennifer about our mutual experience of walking barefoot over hot coals at a tony Robbins event..!   -have I met anyone else who shares this experience with me? -not to my current memory..  but, its been over 25 years for both us.. And I was ..shocked to learn she still has her T-shirt!   -picture coming soon..

and then to one of Anne Jewett's events, which is a different spiritual practice than my own, but.. I was surrounded by nothing but beautiful art, flowers, people and a thanksgiving feast of food in may..   Daughters of the goddess dot com...

in between, I visited with my sister in person, and family over the phone.

I did not plan any events. Do any laundry. Clean my car. Go to the doctors or dentist.

It was a true day off.   As recommended in the bible

"Thank you Jesus!"  -for everything, and everyone..  Amen!

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Dear A.I. team, from (me!) sandra, tvgp

-can't wait to see the human looking one that responds:

"Oh! Darn it! Should have went with my gut instinct!"

dear jan-philipp sendker.. from (me!) sandra, tvgp

   -which was it?    /I prefer a consistent truth when reading fiction.   /I say with a smile.      -great read! Beautiful story...   "Thank you!" 

just push God button. On (me!) sandra, tvgp

everyone has buttons. and i am fond of the expression, ".. So n so sure knows how to push (his or her) button.

they are short cuts to sensitive areas.  quick paths to getting someone all stirred or riled up.  the younger a person is

spiritually speaking, not chronologically speaking

the more visible buttons they have; easy to see, access and push..

in fact, you don't even have to push the button; just very lightly and barely touch.

the older/wiser/more spiritually seasoned a person is..

the less buttons they have, and,  of the ones you can find..  you must really exert extra effort to reveal any sensitive, impulsive reactions...

so, the easier a person can be provoked; the younger they are, spiritually speaking

and the harder; the older and wiser..

I self assess then at ... 

" oh! You don't even know what you are talking about! come on! -that is like the stupidest thing I've ever seen!  -some guy flipping a coin, chicken scratch on a paper and comparing it to miracles!

-come on people...   you can't be that stupid..."

12.

***

my son set me up this time.. had me watch Morgan freeman and ..  Title? The story of God. (?)

I have seen several episodes of through the wormhole.. but this was new to me.  gotta love that Morgan freeman though,  -tackles God, creation, religion, science, evolution from every angle..

/and I have to notice in which direction he ultimately leans..

anyway. No time to rewatch. Pause. Respond. As I wish I could.  Just notes from memories of:

my own personal definition of a miracle is an event/occurrence which transcends/breaks  -on earth, natural laws.

so, you cannot have a miracle, without natural laws first existing

but!  aren't natural laws, here on earth, their manifestation, -a bit of a miracle themselves..    -because they manifested from what environment.   -see.

Oh I love this kind of thing.

so, a miracle on earth is not necessarily what a miracle in a different atmosphere would be..

where the laws change; so does what constitutes a miracle.

***

the other standout for me was Buddhism.  -noble spiritual practices. I am a fan & student  of detaching from material things; or at least not over chasing or worshiping or over prioritizing them..   I am a fan and student of peace of mind, healing, love.. 

Compassion.

and as you know; every fruit of the spirit.  -it is when they spoke of

Ending suffering.   as I see it,  -attachment to material things is one of many,  -not the exclusive, way we self-inflict suffering..

evil, insecurities, loss of love (love is not material..) fear is not material...  Psychological, biological, emotional, physical suffering..

but the upshot for me: while we aim to end what suffering we can, restricted by our mortal, human limitations:

cures for cancers; addictions; violence..  on and on..

where there is life; so is there suffering.   and suffering can be used for the good,  -all things can be used for the good

or not.

so worth repeating two things here:  the bible passage, romans 8:28, God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

and..   I always revisit my own spiritual philosophy:

we come to earth with instructions. what we love to do, instructs us on what we are here to do. and what suffering we endure, instructs us on who we are here to help.

a very important thing to look at is, the common denominator of suffering for all of humanity.  

I have mentioned before my distinction between religion and spiritual laws. religion as rules/regulations/cultural/political/guidelines created and adhered to by its members; very human in nature.  club like..

and spiritual laws are spiritual laws because they apply to ALL of humanity, transcending religions..  despite religion..

The fruits of the spirit then are spiritual laws, while Christianity, Judaism, Muslim.  -are religions.

So, love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control are spiritual laws

and so is suffering.

In Jesus trustworthy name..   amen!

***
P.s.   if random events start to occur with ANY predictability whatsoever; they cease to be random.   The word is over and misused with great frequency.  -self included.

Friday, May 13, 2016

" i do. ". by (me!) sandra, tvgp

- very, very true: how we are chronically and unconsciously influenced by our environment: what our eyes glance upon; ears eavesdrop; fingers/hands make contact with; nose and tongue perceive.   there is no escaping it...    but it is fun to sometimes tune in, and notice..   we can sometimes become aware of what might have had an influence, but I don't think anyone can actually quantify or qualify..     the book, blink, by Malcolm gladwell, speaks pretty articulately on the topic..

but here, In this environment:   I had been asked,  "do you have any tape?"

and I was rather aware, write as I said it, that I was under the influence..

Because, on a different day, at a different time, in a different place, I probably would have answered, "sure. Write here.." And handed it to the person..

but in this environment, "do you have any tape?"

and I said with a smile,   "I do."

***

look all around you everyday...   there are some environments you have no control over, but others you do..

in your home, each room, ...   set it up to influence you in the way you wish to be influenced..

And oh! What if we could do this with billboards and advertisements...    

Thursday, May 12, 2016

i am to blame. (me!) sandra, tvgp


it was due May 11th.
but I was not done reading it.
I bellied up to the bar, "I'm here to renew..

and she said,

"I'm afraid we can't renew this one
it's on hold for someone else"

and it must have been the way my shoulders dropped
-the way my smile vanished
-the look of,  no! no! no..

because, then she, with a wink and smile of her own
explained my options.

1. turn it in, and put my own name on the hold list, for when the current on hold person, reads and returns it

or,

"2!...   yes 2!i'll take option number 2"

-which is to pay .20 per day late fee, while I hurry up and read the rest of it..and then turn it in.



so, dear stranger who is waiting extra days for the art of hearing heart beats

I am to blame.

but really, its not me..   its some combination between my beloved friend Catherine who recommended it, and the author himself..

but I promise you this:

it is worth the wait.

Belong. by (me!) sandra, tvgp




*** inside our place 2006-2009ish ***




*** inside ricks picks, 2016 ***


i have had several part-time/seasonal jobs since my divorce in 2006.  and if you asked me, during the past decade, about my employment, i would answer

"i work at amelia's deli", or "i work at creative imaging photography studio", or "i work at ruby hill winery"  or, "i work at courtyard Marriott"     -etc.

but there was a very distinct internal sensation that separated ricks picks from the others; then, 3 years ago when i started; and still today.   when asked, "how do you like working at...


i said, "i belong here."    -this was not thought through in any way, it was as if a dormant truth escaped into the atmosphere and introduced itself to me on a conscious level.

ive had no prior experience of "belonging" where i worked, to my recollection.  -this was a first.

but

i  experienced a very similar sensation while pouring wine at tenuta winery recently.  and so my own curiosity is peaked..     i belong here.  i can feel it..

***

and i'll skip here the longer post i was considering, and just say..   as far as spiritual gifts are concerned, i do consider one of my spiritual gifts 

patience and understanding and being able to delight myself in the service of slightly intoxicated happy people.  they are so funny!  and there is the caveat that said intoxicated people have designated drivers; because i have zero tolerance for drunk drivers,

but..

to see people transcend sobriety; to witness it, while I'm perfectly sober myself

~ very entertaining.   and i know better, of course, than to take it personal.  i know the exact same words would be uttered, slurred, to anyone holding and pouring a bottle of wine.  but still, i do enjoy it when they go on and on about me..

"you are the best!   thank you!   can i get some more red..   i love you!"


-and do you wanna know what, you slightly intoxicated, happy, carefree, dancing people

"i love you too!"






Wednesday, May 11, 2016

The Heart Seen.. by (taryn!)..

..  chip on the floor in a stairway...   great eye!   "Thank you!" Love..  what a darling heart shape results from a little wear n tear...   Xoxo

The Heart Seen.. by (kim christensen!)...

... write outside the ricks picks door..   Love it!  "Thank you!" Kim.. Keep 'em comin'...

the last thing i remember stealing by (me!) sandra, tvgp

type the title of this post in the search bar of this blog.  and let's talk about sex...     trigger this time, (AKA: cerebral hyperlink) was a conversation with my daughter about love and sex

/and when you read it, you will see a very similar trigger/CH inspired the last reposting also.

I am quite predictable. 

and let me just..  well,  I am hopeful when I even hear those two words at least used in the same sentence; together.  LOVE "and!" sex..      /they just don't seem, in this day and age, to hang out together the way they used to..   know what I mean.

***

and if I may alter, ever slightly, the lyrics..  to Justin timberlake's song..    just the chorus, really.

wait.

I just re-read the lyrics.  gonna have to change them all it turns out..

but I love the beat..

"I'm bringin' sacred back...   yeah!...     you ready?  you ready?...

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

..the spiritual toxophilite... and authentic WARRIOR FAN.. (me!) sandra, tvgp

for how long? to what extent? will i marinate in the warriors stunning, history-making, awe-inspiring victory that took place last night..

from the perspective of any/all spiritual toxophilites..

the arrow must first be pulled back..

so, an injury let's say...

and not barely pulled back, but incrementally further back to a point of great tension..

so, -where the stakes are high; and potential defeat is chronic..

each set-back, each obstacle, every threat and deterrent; increasing the tension

all combining to prepare the arrow for flight...

/can anyone else hear our spiritual leaders?  -see that score.. Hear that unjust call...   'This is not a set-back.  This is a SET UP!'

And this entire season; and for the entire game last night..

against great odds; in the opponents home court; despite the ejection of a player, and several unjust calls..

-when the arrow left the bow..  and took flight...  in overtime...

- of the pulled-back arrow itself; is the point!

had this not been the playoffs; had the opponent not had a 17 point lead at one point in the game; had curry not been injured/missing back to back games and just returning; had Livingston not been ejected; had the unjust calls not been made; had it not been the opponents court;

But most importantly!

-had this game not gone into overtime!!

none of us would have our minds still blown and hearts still exploding with AWE...

a toast ... "To every athletic and spiritual WARRIOR on the awesome Golden State team!!".   THANK YOU!