Wednesday, February 24, 2010

MOMMY BRAGGING WRITES for (me!) -writeousmom

very proud, that my daughter made the principal's list again... the good principal's list, with 4.0. i can take about as much credit for this, as i can for the rising of the sun.. she is entirely self-motivated. -and she did not want to attend the award ceremony, so we went instead for a celebratory jamba juice. "congratulations! lovebug" -keep up the great work!

-and very proud of my son also..

and here i can provide great evidence that phobias are not genetic, and TBTG have not been passed along environmentally/socially either


he has the "pet" care responsibility in science class. and i use the word "pet" here because he used it, but honestly...


his responsibilities include (and i gasp...)

cleaning the spider cage... and the spider is a tarantula. (i'm sweating..). replenishing its water dish, and misting the cage

cleaning the lizards cage... and the lizard is a getgo (sp?). cleaning away the left over cricket corpses (eewww!), and replenishing the water and misting the cage

and my heart is barely allowing me to type this, but he

he also replenishes the water for -the hissing cockroaches. (let me rest here a minute...)


and cleans a fish tank (what type fish.. no idea, probably sharks or electric eels),

and TBTG again.. he only reports to the science teacher that the man-eating snake and snapping turtles need fed; she does the dirty work

so, two medals of honor then... one to my daughter for her outstanding dedication & fantastic study -ethics. and one to my son, for his outrageous bravery, and incredible commitment to help

God's otherwise unlovable creatures.


Friday, February 12, 2010

I SAID "NO" -(me!) sandra, tvgp


so i'm watchin' sandra bullock being interviewed on charlie rose -and she is amazing in every way. and i love both of her recent films -blind side, and the proposal one

but skipping to the point here, which is that sandra bullock -like many, many, successful/famous actors interviewed by charlie rose over the years

well they all say the same thing: essentially -they embrace the feeling of fear/near paralysis when accepting a role, and all view being scared as a sign they should continue

in fact, they are not interested in accepting a part UNLESS they experience fear.


as those who know and love me know... i have tried.

tried and tried and tried again.

conquer that fear! that anxiety! you can do it! embrace the fear! use it to your advantage!

blah, blah, blah

and i really have tried everything... meditation; self-hypnotism; a glass of wine (bottle); rewarding myself after performances with a sexy devil chocolatini; prayer...

but this most recent time i was invited by kathy cordova to guest appear on in a word again to discuss elizabeth gilbert's new book, committed

well, for the first time, i said "no."

it's the only thing i haven't tried before -to just accept that being on camera/tv set is not for me.

oh! i felt bad.

i love kathy and jim. i'm a fan of their show. i'm grateful to both of them for providing the opportunities they have provided for me in the past

but i'm here to testify, that when i said, "no." -such a feeling of relief traveled through me, i knew it was the write decision for me

and i ran upstairs, to the cross, and i prayed -in a way asking for forgiveness, and do you know what i heard back?

"you do not have to perform"

-now, if you want to argue that i - i - heard what i needed/wanted to hear, and - i - not God, generated the message

well i won't argue with you

but, i heard it -received it- loud and clear and much to my relief.

but i'm still left to battle some with feeling like a failure -and that put me on the hunt for some good reason, that the fear is winning, instead of me

so here is my thought:

when you look and listen to someone like sandra bullock, and any successful fear-embracing actor peer

well, they've been,

or rather, their brain has locked in this association:

embracing fear = success, paycheck, accolades, applause. -and this association has probably been repeated through repeated experiences -and even if they've appeared in a movie that was not a block-buster/commerical success -perhaps there is some other positive association, or enough successes, that ultimately we still end up with embracing fear = $, applause, new/greater opportunties, etc.

but for me,

and people who live with, or have survived post traumatic stress disorder

what is locked in our brains, our memories re: fear is not $, success, applause, accolades, new/greater opportunities

when fear is triggered -maybe it triggers the very worse associations

maybe, biologically speaking, our brains do not do a good job of distinguishing between the good, out-of-your- com fort-zone fear, and the potential death fear.


let's look at my experiences of appearing on tv, and the results

always -ALWAYS- the amount of anxiety i experience preparing far out-weighs justification for my appearances

but i appeared on NBC, CBS, PBS -and a slew of newshows demonstrating my mag time frames

result: bankruptsy.

i've appeared on local tv -5 times?

but has this resulted in any.... career boost. financial gain. new/greater opportunties.

answer: no.

my experience to date has been: high anxiety. overkill preparation. 2-5 minutes of torture. followed by a whole lotta nothin'

now... all is not lost.

i have stretched, and while the result was not that i then stretched even further

rather, my experience is that,

well, let's say point A = comfort zone. and point Z = sandra bullock

i have not remained at point A. or gone backwards...

rather, i traveled to say, point L, and landed now back at around point H.

which stands for, HAPPY.

i'm very Happy here.

-that's my story and i'm stickin' to it.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

MAYBE HE'LL BE MY VALENTINE... (me!) sandra, tvgp


genius lyrics once again.. funny the way it is. and i was thinkin'

well, does anyone know if dave is single? -because i haven't heard back from robin williams yet

so maybe dave can be my valentine.

Sunday, February 07, 2010


elizabeth gilbert on bunnie hunt

i'm so grateful to kathy cordova for sending me this link! i had happened across this bonnie hunt show, but not until after elizabeth spoke, and thought i had missed it for good

so thank you kathy! youtube!

i've not stopped thinking about it... am overwhelmed really with all my thoughts on marriage

and hope to organize my thoughts and write about them soon.

i know in advance it will be messy -as is love, marriage & divorce.

my most immediate reaction is that i do not want to share this clip with my 12 year old daughter

-who, already, is dreaming of her wedding -what her dress will look like... where her wedding will be...

because nor do i have any desire to tell a toddler, "there is no santa clause"

but i do know -with great certainty- what elizabeth says here is true, and it drives me nuts too!

another case of mass media seduction -and capitalism/industry

young women sold on a dream; far from reality.

the wedding industry
and our dependency on foreign oil

i see similarities

when you look at how many players there are.. gown makers, retail stores, magazines, restaurants, printers of invitations, photographers, honeymoon vacations, chef's, locations, pre-parties, after-parties, -all the attendees; flowers, cakes..

it is a long, long, list

weddings employ/benefit too many people to count

but i'm not sure the same can be said about marriage.


divorce then, yes? gets the financial ball rolling again -but not in our direction.