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Tuesday, March 04, 2014
OPEN WOUNDS part II by (me!) Sandra, tvgp
I am at a place now where I can see other peoples open wounds.. Not sure about a step by step on how to close or heal them.. But I'm going to review some of mine:
At one point, for sure, being a rape survivor was a very open, very raw, very large open wound. YEARS of shame, confusion, phobias, eating disorders, silence, concern.. Long list! And I remember vividly when I first dared to break the silence.. And talked about being 'mugged'. -because I could not even get the word rape to cross my tongue.. And the person who heard I had been 'mugged' not once, but three times, took several steps away from me and said, 'you sound like bad luck.'. -oh my good God! I was re-devastated! My worst fear.. Manifested! Isolation.. People backing away from me.. I was some kind of what? Bad, dangerous person to know or be around.. So, that sent me into another decade of silence.. That one single response: walking away from me (sure don't want to be near YOU..you ARE a bad luck virus).. But! Today there is no one on the entire planet who could say anything that would put me back into a place of shame or silence. I honor time/place appropriateness discussing the subject.. But this is no longer an open wound. It is fully healed. I know in the deepest part of me.. All the shame belongs to the predator. -and I remain curious what set of life circumstances turn someone into a rapist? Vs. Born evil.. ?. Once open, now healed. There are wounds I believe were created by my culture, which were once wide open and have now also healed: at one time if you mentioned anything about my weight.. That would sting.. Send me into another episode of some kind of eating and/or exercise disorder.. But today, the comments roll off, don't enter, no longer effect me.. What a joy! What peace! I contribute part of my success here to my mass media diet, started many years ago.. No music videos, no women consumer magazines, highly selective about TV, commercials, movies.. I can clearly observe/see/witness the effects of mass media on today's youth.. -remember and understand now how I got sucked into that world.. Its too big of a battle for me to fight.. So I will just offer up my personal testimony: my mass media diet improved the quality of my life ten fold! I'll never go back! -but I do not dictate what others should/should not view.. Do your own research.. Is what you allow in your mind productive or counterproductive to the one and only life you wish to lead... Helping or hurting? I've made my decision. Next: so many strongholds are gone! Smoking!? Completely, utterly removed! I KNOW! In that place within us where TRUTH resides and self knowledge.. That addictions I long ago battled, eating disorders and prescribed diet pills..cigarettes.. These hold no power over me anymore, at all; period. Even in times of high stress.. They are no longer even a temptation or threat. Wow! Praise God, I do! And thank him! .. Joyce Meyer calls them 'spiritual hangnails'. -I love that.. Those irritants.. Things that sting emotionally.. And I am a student of hers for life! As I have mentioned before.. But I recognize them as they pop up.. I remember at one time, if someone said I looked pregnant, but wasn't.. Oh! A low blow.. But the last time that happened.. Didn't hurt, didn't sting, didn't enter.. Just -for real- made me laugh. I can't fully explain it.. The same way only you know if you did something unconsciously or with intention.. Seems similar.. Only I know how much things used to sting and how they don't now. Its great! I had a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful vision/image play in my mind recently: my very tired, slumped over, physical body was being flown and carried in the sky by several angels.. One was holding me by one shoulder, another the other shoulder, one helped keep my head up, one for each leg.. But they carried me, flew me across the sky and landed me in a gorgeous backyard.. Green! Pools! Garden! BBQ! .. Lovely! And they explained that they didn't want me to arrive there.. Until -I arrived -there- in my heart and mind..first! That is to say.. What good is a beautiful place to live if your mind is filled with addictions, fears, insecurities, doubts, disorders of any kind? Our minds must be peaceful and free and our hearts filled with love.. Otherwise it doesn't matter what you have or where you live.. -write. Today I thank God for all the strongholds that have been broken.. For helping me to be aware of spiritual hangnails as they present themselves and to continue to make that journey for each open wound.. From "it stings!" To total peace... Amen!
WOMAN IN HER WRITE MIND (me!) Sandra, tvgp
There are several boxes for me to pack, so I thought this would be a great time to discuss... Time! My ongoing fascination with how I experience time as an individual vs. The earth clock.. How when I write or color or merchandise.. What I experience as taking 10 or 15 earth minutes has actually taken HOURS. And how looking ahead, or within, a day can feel like, well, -a day. But looking back, all of time is super compressed. Fun to take the question LITERALLY: "where does time go?". -when it passes by.. When its gone.. When it seems to disappear.. Where does time go? Does it in fact.. Travel? And the connection of our minds to time.. There seems to be two lanes, if you will.. The slow lane, the fast lane.. Sometimes we are (we = our minds and time) traveling at the same speed, other times, different lanes.. But for the most part: in the same direction.. I wonder.
I believe (me!) Sandra, tvgp
I have come to believe in what I experience as truths: there is one creator, a loving God, whose thoughts and ways, are, as the Bible reads, -higher than our thoughts and ways. -there is such thing as flesh & spirit and the higher life honors spirit over flesh. There is such thing as surrendering your will to Gods will.. Such thing as "dying to self" and being reborn.. Entering as an adult infant Into the sanctification process.. That being, the purification of ones heart. I believe in spiritual warfare.. 'The battle of the mind'. -human minds, as the battlefield.. That there IS.. As the Bible describes, a devil seeking, roaming.. Looking for people to manipulate and control.. Preoccupying their minds with insecurities, addictive actions/thought patterns, doubt, confusion.. And that as the Bible warns and teaches.. We need to hold every thought captive.. Evaluate it and compare it to Gods truth and discard thoughts that do not measure up and cling to and pro actively create and meditate on thoughts of love, kindness, joy, peace, patience, trust, goodness, gentleness, compassion, faithfulness, self control, mercy, ...building each other up.. Caring for one another.. Protecting.. I believe as you surrender your will to our loving God.. That as a result of the purification process -you become incapable of hurting others in any way.. With words or plots or games.. Over time, you evolve into an exclusively loving, caring person. I continue to believe, that the sign of a fully evolved human being is that they are a humanitarian. For years in prayer I would say to God.. "I can see we evolve.. But into what?". I have come to believe that Gods goal, if you will, is the willing sanctification of all people.. He will not inflict his will on you (that is the work of the dark spirit) but if you willingly surrender.. Die to self.. Imagine that for all of humanity.. -a masterpiece. I am in awe, I am mystified! I am late.... Gotta go. In Jesus name, amen.
Monday, March 03, 2014
Cast your cares on Jesus! Attempts (me!) Sandra, tvgp
I have accomplished this before, with great results, but can't in the moment provide a concrete example, -all I know is sometimes I'll get quite psychologically weighed down trying to figure things out.. Til my brain feels like it might split open or spontaneously explode, then I'll hear the teachings of my Christian mentors... "Give it to God" and so I think that sounds quite wonderful, and I do.. But then I'll catch myself over thinking again.. Then rehear the teaching, and try again... Sometimes it even seems like God himself.. Not my Christian teachers here on earth, but God himself raises his voice to me, "Sandra! Sandra! Sandra! Give it to me! I will take care of it". Then I do... And I experience a period of peacefulness.. And I trust God IS taking care of things.. My job is to practice faith, trust and patience.. -this takes a great deal of spiritual training. There ought to be a spiritual Olympics in addition to the summer and winter, don't you think?
LOWEST TRUST ENVIRONMENT IN HUMAN HISTORY by (me!) Sandra, tvgp
Oh, I read that in a book from the library.. Shuffling around in the same shelf area as 7 habits of highly successful people.. Apologize can't remember the exact title/author, but had to do with -trust- being the number one thing a successful business needs these days.. Trust from leader to employees, trust from buyer to seller, etc. And it discussed how we are living in the lowest trust environment in human history. I agree without being able to put together a power point presentation for you.. I just know its true. I stopped keeping track of conversations I hear where one person is talking to another person behind another persons back.. How cyber world communications are hidden/deleted.. Removed. How.. Strategic people are becoming about who/what they text (traceable) vs. Have conversations with -_then, conversations on phone vs in person.. So, -what happens as a result, is that -trust- that is, trustworthy people and organizations have become the singularly most valuable individuals and entities on the planet! Because what is rare.. The more rare; the more valuable! Liars are a dime a dozen, as they say.. Oh! To be trustworthy! To meet a trustworthy person! GOLD! -to be WORTHY of trust- it is write up there with true love.. It does exist! But.. Who/where/what/when/why?
OPEN WOUNDS by (me!) Sandra, tvgp
I was hoping I could find something else to write about.. Of course! Open wounds.. Not the physical kind.. The emotional kind. Oh! Everyone is walking around with open wounds.. They reveal themselves eventually. Much like land mines.. Sitting underneath invisible to the eye until someone says or does something to cause it to explode. I am very familiar with my own.. What they are, what triggers them, etc. -and what I find frustrating, is many of my open wounds have actually, completely healed. That is, someone used to be able to say or do something that would get me all upset inside, and now if you were to say or do those exact same things, they no longer upset me; I am at peace. That's not the frustrating part.. The frustrating part is not being able to articulate/explain HOW.. Like I would like to be able to provide a step by step for others.. But in some cases it seems like.. -that thing no longer upsets me, and I don't KNOW how or why it used to but doesn't anymore. Gods grace? Prince of Peace? Time, maturity, writing, talking, thinking, meditating.. Combination/recipe for "it stings" to "hey, it doesn't sting anymore!". -when I recognize an open emotional wound inside another person.. I wish I could say, do this/do that and it will go away.. Because it sure is heaven on earth when emotional wounds are healed. -for real, on the inside.. No pretending/masking/dormant/pushed down or away... So that is my prayer today.. After I ask God to orchestrate my every step.. Help me with my tongue.. On and on.. I also pray, dear Jesus.. Help us all recognize and heal our hidden emotional wounds. -that's the business GOD is in... Healing. -amen!
THERES MORE THAN SHORT & LONG TERM MEMORY.. Thats for sure! By (me!) Sandra, tvgp
Perhaps by the subject matter and quantity of my current two thumbed typing you can tell that I am moving.. And how packing and moving are so utterly devastating.. Potentially devastating, that I'll do anything .. Productive procrastination ray orrock called it. Anyway.. Imagine you have a vault, a locked vault, filled with highly valuable something. -something being whatever it is YOU find highly valuable.. Money? Jewels? Cars? -whatever. Okay. Now, you know those valuables are in there.. You KNOW! But you don't have a key to open it... So, there they sit.. Just sitting. Sitting inside a locked vault. And you with no Key. Weeks pass.. Months pass.. Years even... There sits the locked vault. There waits you for the key. You are in the same room, yes..! You and the locked vault.. But you can't inside without the key. Live there in your imagination for a little bit for me. K, now... My mind is the vault. My -memories- are the highly, highly valuable items inside my mind; the treasure! And my PICTURES! Are the key! -that is WHY, as I declutter, it is my pictures which are the most, most valuable.. There are memories.. They ARE IN MY MIND.. But, I dont have access. -ACCESS- without a key.. And I see a certain picture and gain immediate! Access to the treasured memory. -so many experiences.. I think, oh, I forgot about that until I saw this picture again... So, without the picture.. It was still in my mind, the experience/the memory.. But no key without the picture. -see? A portion of my memories/experiences will surface without picture reminders of both things that happened long ago and more recently, but another portion will ONLY surface when a picture unlocks it.. This is not long or short memory.. It does not even appear to me to be strong or weak memory.. Its something else.. I don't know. But! On the subject again of memory: I am fascinated by Alzheimer's vs. Amnesia? With Alzheimer's you lose even your memory of what a fork is used for.. Or a shoe? What is that? -but amnesia.. You remember how to eat, get dressed, read, write, etc. But you forget people, places, experiences. -that's interesting, isn't it. I'll always remember Shinn telling me about his amnesia.. "I couldn't remember they were my parents.. But I knew in order to be alive, I had to have parents...". LASTLY, and then I really will get packing.. When my new phone broke not too long ago.. And my handsome prince helped me get a replacement "thank you! Again" -they told me at Verizon that yes, they could transfer names and numbers, but they would not be able to transfer PICTURES. I did not know this in advance of my phone breaking, and so.. Found it quite devastating that all the pictures.. My HIGHEST, most valued items, were.. -boom!- just like that; gone. It broke my heart. So now.. When I realize in cyber world how instantly anything/everything can just... -disappear. I give even greater value to the tangible pictures I'm packing and moving. Greater value to my writings that are IN PRINT.
GOD DOESNT LAY EGGS by (my dad!)
Another one my dad is famous for repeating: "what came first, the chicken or the egg?" (Wait for it...). "The chicken! God Doesn't lay eggs". But that gets me to thinkin'. /because let's be honest, what doesn't: "what came first the piano or the prodigy?". And "what came first the calendar or the savant?". -in humanities history.. Were there musically gifted minds, before instruments? That is.. When you see a super young prodigy sit down at the piano and play beautifully without a lesson or even a pre-introduction.. Did similar minds exist pre-piano? And we just never knew because a piano did not exist to reveal the gift/talent? -and same question with calendar savants.. Did similar minds exist pre- (what is it we use? Julian? Gideon?). -pre-calendar? Are there savants for the different type of calendars which have evolved over -time? It is very easy for me to see there is no such thing as a baby born with a blank slate.. But rather, just as our physical traits are predetermined, so are our gifts/talents.. And then it just becomes fascinating to wonder.. Well, a certain % of the population are inclined toward and are in fact, gifted painters.. Did a % percentage live and die without awareness of this gifting because they born before the discovery of paints.. And on that subject.. The people who discover/invent tools and supplies for artists are not always artists themselves.. Paper makers, for example, who do not draw or write.. But they make beautiful paper! -for others to use.. I'm getting off track.. But! The point is.. It is very obvious to me there is a predetermined division and variety of gifts, talents, inclinations, dispositions, etc. In the human race. I won't enter into my next obvious to me topic in any great detail, but .. And in our current school systems it sure seems like children get unfairly rewarded for what comes naturally and unfairly punished for what does not... When what we should be doing is evaluating strengths & weaknesses and then employing everyone based on this distribution toward a common goal.. Not judging/criticizing.. Forcing.. But Evaluating, and exploiting what is strong and good.. Out of each individual.
UM, NO. Obvious to (me!) Sandra, tvgp
I have 2 1/2 minutes to two thumb type my point: my sister is studying early childhood development.. History/theories, etc. And briefly mentioned one theory which was, babies are born -blank slates- so to speak, and therefore.. But I can't even let that in it is so obviously wrong. It is as wrong as believing all babies are born -the same- and we choose eye color, hair color, height, skin color, etc. after the fact.. You can SEE with your own two eyes these physical traits are predetermined.. And it is AS obvious to me that internal gifts are also predetermined.. Which is how we end up with different people gifted with different things.. Some with numbers, words, paint, music, food, on and on... More later.
"OH KNOW!" By (me!) Sandra, tvgp
Typed from my phone with two thumbs: -k- it is time once again (apparently) to revisit my favorite question: "how do we know, we know?". -where oh where is that -know- neuron? Ask again: I have arrived at my car with a pair of sunglasses in my hand. I realize (suddenly know) that I accidentally/unconsciously carried them out of the store. I had no -intention- of stealing them, but I tried on several pairs, putting them each back.. I actually didn't like any of them. But my hands are used to holding something.. My old pair that recently broke. Apparently, without realizing (knowing) I did not put one pair of sunglasses back.. And continued shopping, in several different stores, for different things.. Not once realizing these sunglasses were still in my hand. I become aware, when I arrive at my car.. Go to put my sunglasses on.. Realize my sunglasses are broken.. So how could I? Then see, but I do have sunglasses.. Then see the price tag, and then suddenly realize.. Oh my goodness, I accidently/unconsciously walked out of the store with this pair... In fact, the nature of my personality/moral code of ethics would prevent me from ever stealing them, or taking them -on purpose- but let's say a security guard approaches me at my car and wants to arrest me for -stealing- Now: I KNOW I did not steal them.. Although technically speaking, I am holding an item I did not pay for... Evidence is against me. But again, i KNOW! The TRUTH! -where is that KNOW neuron? Connected to the TRuTH neuron? nEXT: where is the CONNECTED neuron? -what I mean is this: actors make great case studies here: you have emotional material to read.. During an initial 'dry read' the words are read but not felt by the actor (phase 1, let's say). But after the initial dry read, the actor gets the context, and next reads with the appropriate emotion. -emotions can be -acted out- replicated, communicated, mimicked, demonstrated, etc. Without the actor actually personally -experiencing- them.. You can do this too: if I say to you.. Yell like you're pissed off at someone who just cut you off in traffic and nearly caused an accident. -you can do it.. And it can sound real.. Even feel real.. But not be real. -let's say, later in the week, it actually happens.. You get cut off in traffic, and now you yell -for real- THIS too.. This distinction between acting, pretending, imitating, replicating, demonstrating, vs. ACTUALLY Internally experiencing... Can only be - known - inside the person. Not only does -the TRUTH- as an entity, exist inside us, but so does our ability to recognize it.. KNOWING that we KNOW OUR PERSONAL TRUTHS.. Where for art thou is this neuron dear brain initiative subcommittee?
Sunday, March 02, 2014
Second place winner! (Me!) Sandra, tvgp
In photo contest sponsored by pleasanton weekly. Jack with a frosty in hand from the meadow lark dairy.. Peeking into what is now, the firehouse art center. -love my archives.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
THAT IS JUST PLAIN FUNNY.. By (me!) Sandra, tvgp
More treasures from operation ultimate declutter...
TREE MAJESTIC february 2014 by (me!) Sandra, tvgp
This year I intend to get at least one picture of her each month of the year. She changes so subtley and dramatically at the same time. /subtle.. That's another one of those words! A silent B..?.. Really? Who made the rules?
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Brain initiative subcommittee -by (me!) Sandra, tvgp
Now, see what we have here: this young, kind, intelligent, wonderful teenage boy is severely self conscious because of his.... (Let's do multiple choice) a. Manners B. Grades c. Helpfulness d. Acne.
-and this adult male here.. Blowing cigarette smoke in an elderly woman's face, and throwing litter on the ground, and referring to every female that walks by as a bitch.. He! Is not self conscious at all. Film him and show it to the world.. He doesn't -care-
Back to the wonderful boy preoccupied by what people must think of his acne..
Back to the adult male..
SO: your task in this subcommittee is to understand the roots of self consciousness.. What creates it? How can we uncreate and create it to the benefit of all mankind?
How do we, in our culture, have so many people hyper self conscious about looks/appearance.. And other segments not in the least self conscious about their behavior?
Where is that -care- neuron in the human brain? How can we re-wire and make connections so that people care about one another? Not over-care about appearance and under-care about behavior?
Our culture is not fixed; but majority does seem to rule.. What message is the majority of TV, books, Movies, commercials, conversations, products, video games, technology, etc., Sending/selling?
Identify/define: culture. We have macro: western culture.. For example, and then.. Micro: the culture of your home, school, Individual classrooms, church, place of work, neighborhood...
This should keep you busy for a while: self consciousness and culture: origin? Influence? Ability to change? Link between the two..
Write now it appears to me, the current culture we live in, attacks and undermines self-worth for a couple or a few decades, and then the balance -the next 20 years- or so, are spent trying to un-do the damage.. But what if we can PREVENT the damage being done in the first place? -how much more powerful each individual and our societies could become..
That's what I'm thinking about today. You?
Monday, February 24, 2014
HOLY EXPLOITATION for (me!) Sandra, tvgp
This would be longer if I weren't restricted to using my phone to type it. How I pray: Dear Jesus.. Orchestrate my every step. You are my life coach, parenting coach, relationship expert, editor, publisher, employer, publicist, map, compass, guide, rock, redeemer,.. (This list goes on..). Shower us (us = my loved ones, and everyone) with your love, blessings, favor, protection, (another long list) and eventually... "Thank you! Help Me! And Wow!". -so, I am not copying, but have arrived at the same spiritual place as anne lamott you see, - and countless others. But my point today: until recently I have only heard and ever used the word 'exploit' in a negative way.. First thing to surface is the way young girls are so often 'exploited' by media. But.. I found myself recently thanking God for the way I have felt.. Spiritually exploited, - for the good. Let me explain: without the invitation to read a poem at the interfaith service.. I would have never finished the poem that was floating around in my mind.. 'Tell him I said thank you'. -and I'm grateful I completed it. -without the poet laureate position and invitation to create an event at the firehouse theatre for Feb, -I would have never created 'kissin the chocolate blues'... And I am tremendously grateful for the completion of that endeavor. -without an invitation to speak at the pen women meeting... I would not have read, one of my favorite stories to read aloud.. '_the fake tow truck car stealing operation, -and without the upcoming invitation to read/speak for the Stanford Women of the east bay book club, I may have never actually finished my work in progress: '21 Reasons I love to blog' -and none of this possible without Charlotte severin.. So when I remember that God works through people, I realize he is working through Charlotte Severin.. One of my earth angels.. And creatively exploiting creative work out of me. -this is what it feels like. -because it might not be in me to initiate, or pursue.. But it is in me to accept and respond. God knows... And like the worlds greatest coach.. He won't ask you to become something you're not, but will see your strengths/weaknesses and place you where you can do the most good for the team. -also.. I will be moving again very soon.. This is going to FORCE me, to get rid of more stuff.. I made some progress in this area a few months ago, and then stopped. Another thing I've noticed about God.. He likes to keep things moving... But my dream..!.. Having moved 7 times in just the past 18 years.. And 20 plus times before that... My dream, my highest prayer these days is to have ONE place I can call my own, and call; 'my home.'. -_what a deep longing I have for stability. In Jesus name, -amen!