Friday, May 26, 2017

boys in my scrapbook (me!) sandra, tvgp

vanessa:  "so, was Michael Jackson your grand theft auto boyfriend?"

(me!):  "nope...  that was Ron Cook.."      /its a little embarrassing, my string of crushes, boyfriends, loves and fleeting courtships

but here he is:   the cutie in the middle.    picture is taken outside of round table pizza, southland mall, Hayward; our popular hangout late 1970's/early 1980's    -  and for the names of the two others..  I'm going to tap sue~sue's memory.    -because, see...   I already messed up:  not round table...  it was Lord Byron

    ron cook/grand theft auto

In Jesus uses all things for good, for those who...     's    name.   amen!

Thursday, May 25, 2017

with love & healing prayers for manchester, england, from (me!) sandra, tvgp

THEY KNOW OF WHAT THEY SPEAK acknowledges (me!) sandra, tvgp

as I've mention, one or a thousand times, I am student of joyce Meyer's for life..   and today  -three woman panel..   all three know of what they speak..

there is truth here; wisdom; healing power

joyce meyer, beth moore, christine caine

let those who have ears..     hear

amen & amen!


on a personal note..  I could write and write and write, but..  cut to issue of self confidence

I used to say,  "see this individual grain of sand..

now cut it in half,

and cut that half in half

and that half in half...

keep going..

that's how much I had.

and, I was somewhat relieved to see   -self confidence is not a fruit of the spirit


but you can't love, or experience joy, or spread peace

or be kind, gentle, good

faithful or self controlled without it.


  -and, love christines comment that any self confidence we might have born with it, we get kicked out of us by kindergarten..

laugh of familiarity

and it is my assessment,   -culturally speaking more than spiritually speaking

in the culture I grew up in..    they (outside world/media/judgmental people/secular people in power/insecure people threatened by secure people, motives of capitalism, unevolved people in general...)

they invest years planting insecurities, growing them, watering..    decades

and then, we have to spend enormous amounts of time, reclaiming..

                     so, if you lived to be 80,  say, 4 or 5 decades having insecurities planted/rooted/growing..        and then 4 or 5 decades weeding..       so by the time you feel whole again; your life has passed you by..

but I do believe we are   -s l   o      w      l           y

turning a corner.    -catching on; correcting..

how valuable to learn about spiritual warfare early...

                     we are not born insecure.   insecurities are created.   sometimes very consciously created/planted/watered...   planted.. yes

love beth moores go to passage!

Matthew 15:13...      every plant that my heavenly father has not planted will be rooted up.


and Christine caines   -spot on comment:

"... in order to transform, you must be transformed, and in order to be transformed, you must go through the process..     /some want to be just zapped..."

it is a PROCESS.      a million gardening analogies..   

   RECLAIMING SELF CONFIDENCE/weeding process for (me!)
                                    1.  first I had to assess/admit/acknowledge..  I have none.
                                    2.  identify what people/environments/things contributed to insecurities; stole self confidence vs. what people/environments help build me up.
                                   3.  consciously release/limit/restrict any time spent with people/places/things that did not build me up     -so, there were counterproductive relationships I terminated..   and of course, my mass media diet  -getting rid of all consumer magazines.. huge help.
                                   4.  consciously identify, invest in things that build my self confidence
                                   5.   remain in that practice, day in, day out...  ~ for life; as in, both duration and quality



I haven't even watched the whole thing yet...

but, I want to say...  big yes, to what joyce had to say;  it is exactly my personal experience/interpretation of my own life; spiritual walk

that God gave/gives me props..     and slowly removes props..    there is a testing..

that allows you to connect directly with God; and lean   -independently on God, faith..

and when you have that spiritual relationship/confidence, it is a sign you are now

truly rooted in faith; in love,

props are no longer required; needed...      a blessing, always, yes.. but not required; necessary

another way I have described this..   as not just a process.. the removal of props, but more candidly, a painful process..

I had a carpet placed below me.. and then the carpet pulled out from underneath me.
I had another carpet placed below me.. and then that carpet pulled out from underneath me.
I had another carpet placed below me..  and then THAT carpet pulled out from beneath me.

never with warning.

I crashed; I fell; I landed..

until, finally,

I learned to dance on air.

and opposition, large or small,   -no longer has the power of a strong wind to knock you down/out..  but, what was once large opposition..     become things that just breeze by,

and small oppositions remain small, you don't let them fester/grow...

it is a process... yes.    I stay in this practice...

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

TALENT SCOUT POINTS... for (me!) sandra, tvgp

-there is something internally gratifying..   when you spot talent

correctly.   when you see it, recognize it early on

my co-worker friend kurt was sharing with me recently, how he tried to tell his dad early on, that draymond green was something special on the court,  -but it took a while (years?) before his dad finally agreed

kurt spotted it very early.   and every field has avocational talent scouts; fans usually..

dance, music, science, literature, architecture, tv personalities, journalism, military leaders, spiritual leaders..  race car drivers, movie screen stars, anthropologists, on and on

i'm dipping into unreliable memories, but i think my brother early on spotted tori amos and knew...


of course, i'm writing this blog, on this subject this morning, to cash in on my imaginary financial winnings for putting all my money on  CHRIS BLUE

and, i have not myself seen it yet, the finale

i tape it, and then fast forward through the drama and commercials to get straight to the performances


i did spot it..      the super, among all the stars..


i suspect there are long careers ahead for many of the voice participants

and, can i put that on my resume?   -because there is a job i am overqualified for, and would love to have

i never tire of watching/listening to people who can sing; sing.

and someone needs to watch an awful lot of people sing..   in order to narrow it down..

i would be good at that.

can i earn a living...      doing what i love...       and am apparently good at...

/still working at the new American dream..

used to be:   work hard/hard work
is currently: getting paid for what you love to do.

sing to me..    make my dreams come true.

In Jesus talent scouts for saints, great name,    amen! 


one the magical ingredients:   -not being what you want; being who you (already) are

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

kblx im blessed line dance...

I'm busy practicing...

The Heart Seen... by (me!) sandra, tvgp

this is the same one my mom so kindly drove me past, so I could try and get a picture, while she drove..

but I still haven't landed the picture, that even comes close to what my eyes can see..

I'm too early, or too late, as I drive by

but, it is the joy of my commute home..    much larger in person, from the drive on 580 west, castro valley area,  you can start to see it as you approach and then just after you go under the bridge, somewhere after the eden canyon exit..   /haven't paid 100% attention to what exit..

but seems to me, it might be on the same hillside, which puts out the Jesus is the reason for the season and He is Risen, signs, which you see when traveling 580 east...

isn't that somethin'

because those signs on quite on purpose, but this seems more like...

not with human intention..

 In Jesus mysterious name...    amen!

"CONGRATULATIONS! WARRIORS!" from all of (us!)

little late to the taco/rootbeer float warriors party... but, I made it home before the half..   and we all watched the game..   

my siblings, my dad, variety of friends,   from their homes/in their neighborhoods..

and my mom, rick, sue and i..     such a thrill! to watch them...

S W E E P !

and i love steph curry's post game reveal...  after winning the western conference..   the mindset he brings to the world championship:      "....   we've got 4 more to go...."

that's awesome..

everyone is predicting 5 or more games...  but not steph.  and not (me!).   

...4 more to go...    that's write!    hallelujah and amen!


long ago, far away, i had the goal of visiting a different church every sunday for the entirely of this year.    -i have not even come close..

but i, finally, and, at last, made my way to faith fellowship here in san leandro

and,   -i was like,  -i need not look any further..

the music!
the dancing!
the message!
the people!

and may i extend a public thank you to one of the women who welcomed me in the fold:

SHE SINGS!  and she is so beautiful!   and just kind...   mary elizabeth boutte

and in our very short introduction, she mentioned being from near death and back..

i said, '(me!) too, sister...'    and, sometimes that's all you need to say,

and you just know.

and to my write, a kind and welcoming woman named, abbie..    gave me a great big hug as we said goodbye..

and, wanna know something else i just loved...  they do the same thing at this church, that i see done at the potter's house, which i only watch online   -biship t.d. jakes..  love him!

at that church, he'll say, "touch the person next to you and say (variable here:  God loves you, or you've got this..  etc.)

and this pastor & congregation does that too...   they connect.  to the message and to each other..

its more interactive.

can't wait to get back!    PLUS..   there is an upcoming women's bible study, based off of joyce Meyer's teachings/book, battlefield of the mind...    so you know,

i automatically respect/adore any church who is helping spread her message...  as she spreads the message of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit

more later; full day ahead.

In Jesus Name...   amen & amen!

Monday, May 22, 2017

The Heart(s) Seen.. by (lee ann caldwell!)

what treasures! such a diverse sampling... contribution...
captures the essence of the heart seen collection

-love is everywhere
all around us

all the time

and blessed are those who notice.

"thank you!"  lee ann       xoxox

STUPID IN LOVE memories for (me!) sandra, tvgp

i asked one of my young co-worker friends recently,  -she is 18 i believe,  "have you been stupid in love yet?   i mean, like..   stooopid.  "    -and i could tell write away from her expression, she has not.


but for all of us who have been, that's all you have to say:  stupid in love.   and that is short cut to..

things like:   collecting/keeping things like..   oh, your library card... i want that.  oh, a lock of hair...   oh!   a picture of you from when you were younger..

and, not only did i receive and read and enjoy his love letters to me, but...   i memorized them!  word for word..   i could recite them even when the letter itself was at home, and i was somewhere else.

and, i'm glad i have this one picture, because..   that's (me!) on the recliner at my grandparents home in san diego, and my paternal grandfather on the couch... but the thing i want to point out, is on the table next to me...   the colorful, towel-textured fabric

that is Michael Jackson's  -robe.     yes,

the singular thing that puts the stupid in this love, the true symbol and qualification..     i carried that robe around like a toddler carries a blankie..

his scent.   it was on it.   i wouldn't wash it...

  -k.   I'm laughing write now, as i write this from age 51, but..

i was not laughing then.  i was madly, completely, utterly, crazy and stupid in love.

and that was his real name:    Michael Jackson.   my first true love.    /not to be confused with my first boyfriend, that was steve shaw

but my first true love:

and see how this cerebral hyperlink to my stupid love got triggered.    the cover of this vendor magazine that crossed my path..   see the resemblance...

Michael Jackson was GORGEOUS!  SEXY!    who would not go under his spell

and i went back recently, to the bus stop where we first met in Hayward.   only the bus stop is no longer there.   it sat on calaroga avenue, in front of medical offices, near saint rose hospital.  

i was alone waiting for the bus...     because, in this regard, i was a responsible teenager..  probably getting myself back and forth to a part time job, or other parents house,  i don't remember where i was headed

i only remember..

a tan, very good looking male with red short and no shirt went jogging by...


and then,

after he passed me by, and we never made eye contact...   to my memory, he was looking ahead the way runners do, and i was looking out, waiting for the bus..


i did notice him.  i mean, ...


then, next thing i know, he started running backwards and passed me by again, and then forward, and then into the bus stop with me..

and he was gorgeous, and friendly, and easy to talk to...    and,

i have a feeling my friend sue-sue has even better memories than my own...   she saw me go under his spell..

but, i just remember then finding out he lived near mt. eden high school, and i met his family and friends, and learned he was pretty fresh out of the marines..


i was 15 years old, and he was...    22 or 23...

so obviously did not fly well with my parents...  who had by this time, already learned they gave birth to a very willful human being


we dated, and we..

and he was my first, as the euphemistic expression goes...  

and i have funny stories about that, which i will link** at a later date.

i have to get to work..  and i sure wish, rather than calling in sick, i could call in  -inspired

and just keep writing,



**   later date:

     -from an unpublished/draft of a post from 10/24/2007:

anyway, whole thing got me to thinkin' about my sex life. i share here, the very private thoughts i had after the first few times i shared my body with someone i loved:


vs.   first orgasm:

suddenly i understood everything. i mean everything. every. thing:

unwed mothers, teenage boys, marriage, divorce, infidelity, capatilism, bankruptsy, good, evil, drugs, alcohol, time and space, quantum physics, over-population, the universe and God. everything to infinity and back was revealed to me during those 13 spasms and few seconds.

everything in the whole wide world, imagined and real, made perfect sense.

from retarded to genius, just like that.



i was stupid in love for the first time.     and some of the results of that love include

        -becoming a pregnant teen.

        -running away to santa monica with pocket knife, and change stolen borrowed from my dad's 3 gallon water jug on the greyhound bus   [now, ive searched my blog archives, published and unpublished.. and how can it be I have not written about  -running away to santa monica... but maybe sue-sue can remember for me...  /my dad certainly remembers...  and my mom....and my brother (?) who came to the rescue...]

/yikes.. please forgive.  I made it sound like the water jug was on the greyhound bus..  you know what I mean.. yes?  with change I took from the water jug my dad used to collect his loose coins..     that is how I bought my ticket for the bus ride to go be with my one true love...

and then,   Michael Jackson related posts

dreaded dream post

partial premonition

phone number on red paper


In Jesus..  definition of loves'   name,    amen!

Saturday, May 20, 2017

THE HEART SEEN... by (leonard stegmann!)

"thank you!! x2"

appreciate these contributions..  because, of course..   we have the history of how sea glass forms in the first place..  tossed out and disregarded;  years of being beat up, and then..   such beauty forms; treasures from trash.   and colored sea glass is beautiful, but..   transparent. who cannot be extra fond of the symbolic nature... what great heart seen contributions.         xoxo   ~s.c.

per leonard's email:  one regular photo; one with effects.


must see/own photography book:   sea glass hearts, by josie iselin      -gifted to (me!) by my co-worker friend Shirley..       sublime!  

WRONG WORD?! wonders (me!) sandra, tvgp

ive already told you how I can read, pick up on microexpressions..    and they serve as a great guide..  more of this; less of that..   get closer; back off..    on and on..

and, when I mentioned recently, to a customer, "i don't know why.. but I've had an orange flower fetish recently..."   and went on to talk about my two photo series, dressed in orange..


there was a very distinct, nanno second expression that made me think,  wrong word?  what have I said?

and so, I just now went and researched the definition of fetish:

and my concerns were alleviated when I read:

an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency.

any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence, respect, or devotion:
to make a fetish of high grades.

and, as I read that, I was like... yes..!   regarded with awe..   these orange flowers...   they do seem magical.  I respect, I revere...    I used the write word...

and then, I read:

Psychology. any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.

and, I started to giggle...   because, what I can tell you from my read of the microexpression, is that, that customer projected the 3rd definition onto my orange flower   -awe

let me be very clear...    customer I may never see again, and who does not even know I have this blog..  and will never read this

the orange flowers do not cause an erotic response...

    /just imagine how quickly they would sell out of the nursery

but I am drawn towards them...   

wanted to get a closer look...




/oh my gosh..  maybe I was flirting with the orange flowers without even realizing..

but promise..

the only thing that got turned on

was my camera.

   -now go project your incorrect definition of my innocent use of the word fetish on someone else.

and "have a nice day!"

Thursday, May 18, 2017

through the worm hole & super soul & cbs sundays for (me!) sandra, tvgp

it's been a long while, but I had a chance to watch..

and, remember how I once said...

we spend an inordinate amount of time trying to make people with good character; great...   and people with great character, ... like super heroes,
and not enough time trying to make people with bad character; good.

I think, on the whole, when it comes to return on investment; we'd better off if we invested more time learning/studying/sharing how to help people with bad character evolve..

this is the button that was pushed within the opening of through the worm hole.. because from the get go, we see that an innocent man was mugged..   violently attacked while just walking down the street, and as a result of one of the blows to his head     -becomes a math genius.

now,   -first bible passage to come to mind, of course!   -no weapon formed against him did prevail..   that which was used against him; promoted him...      -we can easily apply

but, my interest; deeper interest based on my life experience

             -what on earth has gone so wrong in these violent mugger people's lives, that they are ganging up and just beating the shit out of an innocent man walking down the street

this remains so hideous to me...

so while there are a whole community of scientists invested in learning/understanding,  -like, do we all have this math genius potential within our brains? if you violently hit just the write location in the back of our heads?   how can we proactively knock some math sense into ourselves..

my attention goes to..   why on earth, and how can we learn more/prevent/stop...  violent, mean, cruel human behavior

    -small goals, small goals, I know.


their interest...within another segment  in this show...   the community of scientists..   they want to

            -reverse engineer-   how it is we arrive at our -sudden insights-    aha moments, as Oprah might say,    -genius ideas!-

and I want to reverse engineer    -go back, go back, go back..   into the daily lives of violent criminals; evil, cruel people..

where? did it start...    3rd grade?         freshman year?             -and what intervention are we currently neglecting

while we focus on turning basically good kids into A+, ivy league, master test takin' geniuses held responsible, ultimately, for real estate home values..

human behavior.   helping humans evolve...

spiritual fulfillment...


and you can watch super soul sunday...   the lovely lady, interview regarding the soul of money..   and then, as I did, back to back with the interview of bj miller,

and, these lessons have already been learned..  repeat, repeat, repeat..  why aren't we advancing?

you can be physically fit; spiritually void.
you can be financially fit; spiritually void.

and vice versa.

over and over...  humans are looking for spiritual fulfillment..   

if there was a hierarchy..   as maslow (?)  did attempt to explain..

the MOST IMPORTANT thing..     love; relationships, meaning, purpose, connection..

   -and mention here, re:  millers interview, how oprah mentioned,  -for most people, their only experience with death, is from watching tv

          -this is one of the more...   like,   -how is that?   we are doing something wrong.  death..  death is one of the most common denominators across all of humanity, for all of human history, with no exceptions based on income, race, religion...          so common.   such a connection between all of us..   how is it, that we are so awkward; uninformed, by one of the promises of life itself

and I will close with this,

because add on, my viewing of cbs sunday morning.. and again we see..    a combination of everything above; and then some..   

and it is another ...   one of the most beautiful patterns of human behavior:

family members who did not say, 'I love you' to each other...  or did, but rarely, or did, but awkwardly..  

and then they lose a family member to sudden death.   and now,   -in the aftermath,  saying 'I love you' becomes much easier and more frequent

I hope it serves as encouragement to get those words out, without the necessity of a sudden death..

but, look closer...  

            -no weapon formed against...   (violent explosion claims a mother/wife's life)

LOVE ... more of it; verbalized; expressed; understood, shared..   growing; spreading

like a wild fire...     it will conquer all.

In Jesus master teachers' name...    amen!

          ...and because I can't not respond in writing...

I'm going to limit my tv viewing; listen to more music    /she says with a smile...