Thursday, January 22, 2015

Unearth. A poem by (me!) Sandra, tvgp

-its not when I think of the place;
Or purchase a ticket to get there..

It's along the way..  Too specific to say

- your strategy to unearth and lay bare

emotions and memories that are no longer there.

A manipulated excavation

Will always come up dry

But tip my hat; I do for you

For giving it a try.

"I wanna be like a man!". (Me!) Sandra, tvgp

First I thought it; then I declared it out loud, "I wanna be like a man!"

-specifically, I wanted to stop lugging my bowling bag of a purse around everywhere I go; and just keep a tri-fold wallet in my back pocket.

The trouble started write there.  -because in yet another act of pop culture rebellion I had re-done my back pockets so that..  Well I had no back pockets on my jeans; just a slice of lace in the shape of a pocket where the pocket used to be..

I'll spare you the details, and stop here only long enough to say.. It started seeming a little pathetic to me.. how the pockets on jeans started becoming status symbols; like, instead of the pocket being directly embroidered with a $ sign and the exact gross amount spent on said pair of jeans.. the design on the pocket screamed it for you

I had to make a change.   -couple that with my disgust at how..

Well,  -let's just say I've learned along the way subtle ways to direct people's attention   -away from this.. And toward that.   -so, if I see pop culture dictating all the attention..    -there.

I redirect it here.   God himself inclined me this way.

Anyway...  I got on another one of my personal rebellion rampages

"Like.. How did we  (we, meaning females)

" like.. How did we..   How and when exactly did we get suckered into carrying 20 to 30 pound purses everywhere we go when all men have ever needed is a wallet?!"

-this consumed me for a while..   The cost of purses; having the write one, the write size,  -the responsibility..  -the weight...  

50 extra pounds every day; All the time...  Everywhere we go...

-men live such care free frickin' lives!  -no make-up; no hair; no handbags... No shaving everywhere...   No painting their nails.. No menstrual cycle... No earrings...  Toe rings...  Bracelets...  No bras..

If I think about it too long I won't talk to one of those male creatures for months so I stopped myself: "Jesus.".       /that's all I say.   Its a short cut just between the two of us..  Or.. Four of us if you include God and the holy spirit..

Or back to two when you realize the three are one..

Well anyway..   Can't beat 'em, join 'em,  eh...

So I thought it to myself first; then I declared it out loud,  " I wanna be like a man!"

and the very next day.. True to my word..   /which is nothing like a man...

I decided I would leave my purse at home.

That's write.   -if men can go 365 with nothing but a wallet in their back pocket..  I see no reason I should lug 50 pounds of crap around everywhere I go.   -another culturally driven.. Capitalism motivated, pop-culture bad habit great big subvertly misogynistic TRAP!   -and I've been victim to it for too long!

and so, convinced Ive never really ever needed a purse in the first place; I left it at home.

I skipped to my car  -swinging both arms and hands freely i must add, and headed for the library before my shift at work.

Yes.. !..  My special order arrived.   -only when the lady at the desk requested my library card..  

Well. No big deal really, write.   I just didn't have a wallet yet.  But! When I do get my very own man-like Tri fold wallet, I thought to myself,  I will be sure and put my library card in it.

I skipped back to my car swinging both my arms and hands freely..  Just for fun, I said to myself in a pretend panic..  'Oh my God.. did you forget your purse in the library?'.  "NO!". with child like giggles I said, " I don't have one!"

I like this life ... Living like a man.

On my way to work, at a stop sign, a passerby smiled at me. But when I returned his smile, my lips hurt a little.  Chapped.  -so I reached for my ChapStick..

'Oh. Its in my purse...    That I don't have.'

Ah, well.. No big deal really. I licked my own lips and kept write on smiling.

When I got to work..  Only natural I should reach over and grab my purse before I got out of the car.. -been doing' it for over 40 years after all..

But there was no purse to grab.  No big thing to lug in with me.

How light on their feet men live!          -bastards.

And so I skipped in for my shift.   -but first!  -I had to use the restroom.

While in the restroom I discovered a great surprise.   As in

"Surprise!". -you need a tampon.

And so I went to get a tampon out of my purse, only.. 

Frickin' men. And their Frickin' wallets...

No big deal though.  I just stuck a half roll of toilet paper in my pants and..

Well,  - this did make it difficult to skip..  

My coworker welcomed me with warmth as usual and then asked about a text she'd sent..

" yes.. Let me grab my ...   Phone.  Which. Is. In. My. Purse. I. Do. not.have."

Men.  Where do they keep their phones? In their wallets?

Smiling at every customer with dry chapped lips which were only barely bleeding really, I waddled on.

After about an hour or so, I had cause to refill the register tape and when I reached inside the box for the refill... 

My heart stopped.    "My purse!?!". ...  Its always write there!  -write there!  Next to the tape..     Where did it go?   Did I leave it at the library?  Oh my God! I left it at the library..

and I was just about to explain to my coworker how I was going to need to leave write now!  And race to the library and check the lost and found..   When I realized..

-Men.  Frickin' men and their frickin' wallets.

Anyway..  Then I needed a piece of chocolate to calm me down and celebrate the fact that I hadn't lost my purse or had it stolen..

But my chocolate was at home in the bottom of my purse that I didn't need.

By this time I had chapped bleeding lips, a roll of toilet paper in my pants, I was not calm, in no mood to celebrate, and my mouth was dry..

So I went to get a piece of gum..

Which is of course write next to my chocolate at the bottom of my purse that i don't need.

'Easy fix!'. I thought to my carefree man self..  I'll just have some water..

And! Since I don't have my purse which i also use to carry water and food..  I'll just go next door and buy s...

Except my money was in my purse too.

Fine.  I'll fast.
get a head start on lent.  No big deal.

When my lunch break came, I thought fasting would be pretty easy because I could just read instead

-where do men carry their books?

Fine again; I don't have to eat or read. - I'll meditate! 

   But the lack of food, water, ChapStick, gum, tampon, phone and reading material gave me a terrible headache

So I went to reach for some aspirin....

Where do men keep their aspirin?

I was trying so hard to be stoic about the whole thing.. Fighting back the tears and smiling through cracked lips, that my nose started to run..

Where do men keep their Kleenex?

And then..  Just when my no-lunch break was over and I got back  to work feeling all triumphant and man like..

A pokey thing I rang up at the register pierced my thumb and it started bleeding.    -why not, huh..   "Jesus."

Where do men keep their Band-Aids?

Not one to give up easily and certainly not one willing to surrender to the unnecessary, cultural practices that enslave women and keep them weighted down under the capitalistic conspiracy commonly referred to as -fashion

I simply and very matter of factly wiped my nose on my sleeve.

No big deal.    

I made it through the whole day.

I do not need a purse.   Or a wallet!   Or a man!

All I really need

All I really need are my car keys..

"Oh my God!   -where did I put my car keys?   -they're usually in my purse...

there; much better... By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

Meet my new travel partner (james michener!)

I was chit chatting with some customers who shared with (me!) That they were visiting from Israel..  "I hope to visit there one day," I said.. And it simultaneously hit me how that might never happen so I followed by saying, ".. But if I never do get to visit.. Is there one book .. What one book do you think I should read that would tell me best about Israel..  I know better than to count on travel brochures or magazines..  "

and they  -they being a married couple, perhaps in their late 60's, early 70's,  -they both agreed on "The Source" by James Michener.

I wrote it down. That was before Christmas I think.. But I finally made it to the library..  Got only started reading about this author and his loooooong list of published work..   Only just started in The Source..   When you know what happened, -write.

"He has a memoir!?"

and so I admit to abandoning The Source for..

Well THE source..    Source of the source; -please forgive but who could resist..

And this memoir is...  

Speaking directly to (me!)....     Very hard not marking up the pages; might have to purchase this one..  

and very grateful for the LINK program.. But honestly.. They slapped the sticker write over his face...   How rude.  I will remedy this... 

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Worth Repeating. By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

-favorite

-well, one of my favorite things about being my age:

Now I know the song and dance before the curtain even opens and I decide whether or not I want a ticket to the show.

-spare me the song and dance; I already know

Or

Save me a seat please.. In the front row.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Speaking of interpretations.. (Me!) Sandra, tvgp

.. Yes. That is how, as humans, we identify -love.-

-It is a personal interpretation of an internal experience.

-fascinating; the mechanisms within our human bodies that allow us to interpret the experiences: I am loved; in love; out of love, etc.

But we sure do know it don't we.. When we are in love.. Not loved or love others..

Authentic love vs. False love.   Strong love vs. Fading love..

Loved deeply vs. Not at all...

-I speak for myself only here: my own interpretation of my personal internal experiences:    -this is my TRUTH.

/truth is also an interpretation of an internal experience but I won't venture that road in this post..

For (me!) When it comes to love; my internal experience of it:

For my parents; my grandparents; my siblings; my children; relatives (nieces, nephews, cousins, etc) and a countable number of friends..  -my love is utter; complete; unconditional; fixed; permanent..   Add synonyms at will.

And it is still true for me today that romantic love  -it has a toggle switch

That is.. A friend confided his spouse had been unfaithful, and said, 'but I still love her..'

I am fascinated

I think when I was younger I could better share/understand, but as an adult..  That toggle switch:

Loyal/faithful; on.
Unfaithful/betrayed; off.     -that quick; that easy.

and I'm going to close here by saying...   Good thing God doesn't operate the same way, huh..

In Jesus name, -amen.

Allow (me!).. Sandra, tvgp.. to explain..

Here. Open this: it is a map of the world.

Here. Take this. It is a thumb tack.   /intentionally poke student so student feels a little pain and sees a tiny bit of blood.

Now.. Please locate love and place the thumb tack there so I know when you've found it.   Pin pointe it exactly.  I will wait with great patience.



God is love.

and that is what people mean when they say 'God is in you.'

Or.. 'I am God.'.  -which at first sounds impossible or delusional or arrogant..

But if you first realize they are one in the same; God. & Love. And then realize the only way you experience love is as an interpretation of an internal experience..

Then in fact its true isn't it.  If God is love and love is inside you...

So there you have it.

Now.. Can you call love on the phone and talk to love directly as if were a manifest human entity? No.  Can you make an appointment with love; invite love over for dinner; keep a picture of love in your wallet?

No.  You can keep icons which represent love.. But not love itself because love itself is a spirit; not a tangible thing.

Now.. Because love is a spirit and you cannot talk to it on the phone or make an appointment to see it..

Does that mean love does not exist?

I repeat. God IS love; they are one in the same.   -so for the atheist who says or thinks.. 'There is no God..'.  -because they cannot see or touch this

God.

I ask..  Is what you are saying then.. Is that you do not believe in...  Love?

To the agnostic..    Do you not know one way or the other? Maybe there is... Maybe not. I make no official claim..

About love?

To people of all faiths..  To the people of the world

Do you believe in...   Love?

Believe? Know? Wonder? Hope?

In Jesus name..   ~amen.

Conversation with a legally married man by (me!) Sandra, tvgp

Him: "why do you call him husband, -say that you have a husband, when in fact you aren't married?"

(Me!): ".. Because I am married to him in my heart.  -where it actually matters the most."

Him:   "well.. I am not married in my heart to my wife but I am legally married."

(Me!):    "see..  (I glance here at his ring; wedding band).   -the contracts and the jewelry mean nothing actually do they.."

***

and when I read certain passages in the bible I understand them the same way.. Jesus; he wants our hearts.

-he couldn't care less about sacrifices; church attendance; fasting.. Public prayer, Christian jewelry.. Etc.

None of the external things matter at all.  Does he have your heart?

He certainly has mine.

He cares nothing for riches if it is without.. -heart; love..

I understand this fully because of my exposure to wealth discrepancies..   The husband who can provide the house, the car, the vacations.. But not his heart..   -some women accept this; some kind of trade off..

Ive never had interest in this trade off; one without the other..

I want his heart, the way Jesus wants my heart; the way I give mine

-to whom does your heart belong?  -not your signed contract..  Your heart; -to whom does it belong? 

Monday, January 19, 2015

Wine cork holder decor embellished with moss by (me!) Sandra, tvgp

Mixed media.. Complete. By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

Pleasure to meet you (sue evans!)

...  I've seen her photography in many places, on many walls over the years but had never met her in person..   what a treat..   -blessings!

Sunday, January 18, 2015

The Heart Seen.. On a walk with (my daughter!)

The Heart Seen.... by (me!) Sandra, tvgp

... write outside the front door...  

Saturday, January 17, 2015

The Imitation Game a review by (me!) Sandra, tvgp

Category: historical fiction.
Rating: perfect.

-and there's just no explaining how I still haven't recovered from the text/bullet point/mere sentences ending of unbroken..

-and yet had no longing for more.. No problem whatsoever with that exact same technique employed for the ending of the imitation game.

? Can't justify my own experience... 

Maybe because there was so much more life story to share for Zamperini while Turing terminated his own physical/earthly life very early..

and maybe because when I saw unbroken it was in a traditional (although recently upgraded) theatre

and when I saw the imitation game it was at the vine, in a cushy love seat with great tasting popcorn and a delicious cold beer...

But on the whole..   I am fulfilled; deeply gratified.  -great movie!

Friday, January 16, 2015

Thoughts on sexy by (me!) Sandra, tvgp

There's only one thing sexier than witnessing a man who truly knows what he's doing

and that

is a man who is still trying to figure it out.