Tuesday, April 25, 2017
I've already written about how hard.. working side by side, getting to know/admire/respect my co-worker friends and then..
How they abandon me for silly things like college. And how I decided I would rather go ahead and get attached and feel the pain of a /word that starts with Good.. but ends with.. bye.
but when Melissa shared with me.. "I'll be leaving.. I accepted a position as..
-I didn't even hear the rest of what she had to say.
"NO! No, no, no.. I absolutely forbid it! You may not leave" and I stamped my foot on the ground, but knew it was all for nothing.
Then of course she went on to repeat.. "a full time position as a music director"
-well of course that is exactly what she should be doing! And I know she will be an awesome blessing to everyone she serves..
I'm proud of and very happy for you!
And will be first in line for a future concert
Love & blessings! Xoxox.
Sunday, April 23, 2017
Proud & Happy (me!) -writeousmomlike I said.. one of the most important days of the year for paparazzi: the Oscars.
for mama~razzi... Jr Prom. -brought me to tears to see my handsome son dressed all... like this: and with such a beautiful, gracious prom date... oh~ happiness is... happiness is... plus: reports of a very good time: chocolate fountain with strawberries/marshmallows; nice indoor space, hockey table, basketball hoop, racing car simulator.. "Thank You!" Jesus.. amen.
Perpetual state of marvel for (me!) sandra, tvgpso, I had my camera nearby, charged, ready.. because my son was coming by with his prom date..
and since it was so nearby and ready.. I couldn't resist:
and this rose! the customer offered it to me.. "cut it off..
I was like, "oh my goodness.. I would never do such a thing.. I don't want it.. just a picture... but thank you.."
surprised me a minute or two later, and brought it back to me in a plastic vase with water..
it's on my mom's kitchen table write now.
"thank you!" jeri.. entirely unnecessary; completely generous; much appreciated
alden lane has the best customers...
and really, I had no idea.. no idea, how many people grow their own vegetables! how many people with a passion for gardening...
In Jesus name.. amen
The Heart Seen.. by (leonard stegmann!)
This rock was very beautiful. It’s even more heart-shaped than it looked, but there’s a little sand on it. If I come across it again I’ll brush it off! hahaha!
"Thank You!" squidmann.... got some cool markings, texture, contrast here
The Heart Seen... by (me!) sandra, tvgp
ive been enjoying passing this heart shape for several days now on my way home from work, and finally had a chance to pull over and capture a picture of it. -so sweet... the way the flowers clumped together to form a heart
and yesterday was a particularly wonderful and blessed day... as I mentioned; for us mama~razzi's. pictures coming soon... Thank You Jesus.. amen!
Saturday, April 22, 2017
"because i can!!" (me!) sandra, tvgpanalogy: you can use your hand/arm. -then you break your hand/arm.. and you cannot use it, until it heals. this is much -much- easier to see/understand, than spiritual/mental/emotional parallels
you can control your mind -and then it breaks. and you cannot control it again until it heals.
when you have PTSD it is equivalent to having a broken brain for a while. So, during that time, even if I wanted to
I could not override certain thoughts. I could not CHOOSE what I wanted to think about, and then think about it -whatever muscle or neuron or synapse in the brain allows us to do that; it was OUT OF ORDER
but I can now! and so I'm going to. exactly "because I can!" I can change the channels in my mind at will
oh what a very beautiful thing! and so I'm CHOOSING not to think about past traumatic memories for a few days or so
-YOU know one of the most important days of the year for paparazzi.... The Oscars.
and one of the most important days of the year for mama~razzi's: Jr Prom's & Senior Balls! What a great time,
what a blessing to have a handsome son, and a camera fully charged... so excited!
you know, a flirt has always lived inside me. always. and while the flirt has always lived there, the cultures ive lived and worked in -those climates have changed dramatically over the years
and, in some places, it is way too cold and hostile to go outside, if you know what I mean
mostly, she stays in doors
and -these days! especially.. one false, light-hearted, move and you're written up, or fired
here's what I didn't say to alex. -because
well, alex, you know, he is the super hard working, ultra knowledgeable one at alden lane. lots of responsibilities -I say he does the job of least 3 people, but anyway..
every once in a while, I think.. God, i'd love to make him laugh or smile. and so, yesterday
he was wearing this.. I don't know.. light teal colored shirt, over his alden lane t-shirt. collar, long sleeve; looked nice.. and with his beard, which also looks nice.. anyway
and i'm confident I wouldn't get fired for this, because all I said was: that shirt looks nice on you.
and he said thanks..
then, I don't know -say an hour later or so, when he passes back by, he has by this time, removed the teal long sleeve shirt, and only has on the alden lane t-shirt
oh, no.. Jesus tame my tongue! tame my tongue! -because in the worst way, I wanted to say.. if I compliment that t-shirt will you take it off for me too... how bout if I compliment those shoes..
I wanna see how this works...
In Jesus knows I'm innocent's name... amen!
Thursday, April 20, 2017
all paths lead to hostess -sandra, tvgpso, near the railroad tracks on halcyon is where the lakeside rapist disappeared into the darkness. -how many days prior had he done the exact same thing? and at the same location? -but, I was number 2. some time prior, he had raped a different girl behind san leandro high school. she would end up taking her own life in the aftermath.
what stands out memory wise -is that, ultimately, I was also raped behind san leandro high school, and there was a female officer on the police force at the time. she reported thinking about going and checking behind the high school -the night I was in fact being held by gun point there
but ignored her instinct because she didn't think a predator would return to the same location with a different victim. -and, we've all taken turns ignoring our instincts; I understand
and, also.. to my knowledge and memory, he did not return to that location with victims, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9
but he did remain in the san leandro area. and he did claim other victims from the parking lot of the lakeside apartments. -hence the name.
my greatest stand out, a memory I can recall at will; but not re-experience, is how, after my face was covered and I was being raped
my spirit left my body. so fascinating to me even now. I did not rise above my physical body, and look down, as you hear people having surgeries have reported; a birds eye view of their bodies on surgical tables or in hospital beds
rather, it is so distinct to me that I hovered off and over to the left; just above the concrete
so, clearly! I was not in my body -he raped a physical object;over there; not (me!)
but for what amount of time did I hover over and off to the side? and I have no recollection or memory or strong association/sensation of popping back in my physical body;
but at some point, I was in fact, back in the driver seat of the car; rapist to my side; gun in temple to keep my now, uncovered face, forward facing only; and my spirit/body were one again
and I was taking instructions on where to drive; where to turn..
and having the gun shoved hard in the temple of my head repeatedly while he wondered out loud whether he was going to have to kill me or not
strong memory also, that in the distance, in parking lot at a strip mall-ish place we passed; sat a police car.
and I remember that.. how I was so close.. and only yards away and this police officer had no way of knowing we were driving by
and there were a number of occasions I thought about.. what if I just drove over there.. or honked the horn..
but ultimately; I just followed instructions; terrified/in shock
and it was the longest drive of my life, as you can imagine, but turn here; turn there, and I had that gun in my head from san leandro high school to the railroad tracks on halcyon.
and the feeling of the metal being shoved in my head for a good long time after that.
The Lord is my Rock, my Fortess, and my Deliverer; my God, my keen and firm Strength in Whom I trust and take refuge, my Shield, and the Horn of my Salvation, my High Tower. I call upon the Lord, Who is to be praised; so shall I be saved from my enemies. -Psalm 18:2-3
-although, in my youth, I prayed for and during emergencies only; what felt like life/death circumstances -I do not remember praying during this traumatic experience
I was literally too in shock; too threatened/terrified to think that clearly -pure survival mode.
but I was in fact delivered from this enemy.
the upshot in the aftermath, is everything ive learned about PTSD. and certainly as far as life journey's/experiences are concerned
the greatest one for me is to go from having such severe PTSD to knowing the peace I do today.
and no one can see it.. but a visible analogy would be
if you witnessed someone who was physically paralyzed; walk, and run again.. -someone who could not feed or change themselves,
one day being able to return to independent life and take care of themselves..
this is equivalent to my life journey -it has been of the spirit though; not my body
but the peace I know today; it does in fact, surpass human understanding -and there are countless passages in the bible which, in different words, different ways, by different authors, say essentially this same thing:
Peace comes from Jesus.
so, "Thank You! Jesus!" amen.
fruits of the spirit I manifest successfully; remain as priorities in my day to day life:
love. joy. peace. patience.
kindness. goodness. gentleness.
these are INSIDE of us; spiritual seeds in the soil of the human body
with this as an analogy
it is spring! this season of my life. when fruits of the spirit are in full bloom. and I have the best case of spring fever
in love with life itself
The Heart Seen.. by (leonard stegmann!)I love finding these in my gmail! "thank you!" squidmann ~s.c. xoxo
This from a sign at Pigeon Point. Apparently both the Grey Whale and the Humpback Whale like to spout in the shape of a heart. Each with its own particular version, of course!
Point A to Point B by (me!) sandra, tvgpis this true in a factual way? we shall see. but it is my interpretation of my life; where my life is write now
like, I am quite literally going back and forth each week between two very wonderful, loving, safe and beautiful environments. home to work; work to home
and I believe these two environments are exactly what will allow me to revisit hard memories without sinking. like I was positioned here and there intentionally. it literally feels like my responsibility: two things
1. feels like I am responsible for remembering/sharing events/experiences related to being #2 victim of Lakeside Rapist
2. feels like a personal responsibility to make sure, San Leandro, the city itself, is recognized for all that is wonderful here... and not polluted; ruined by the evil of this one predator -from so long ago
and, it feels like
but it is certainly nothing I can prove; but it feels like, there is something wonderful waiting on the other side
once these responsibilities are fulfilled/met. is this my imagination; hope..? wishful thinking?
-only one way to find out; write.
so many things; ive already written about, captured here or there in posts over the past 10 years. no need to re-write
but.. I feel compelled to speak.. /writing is how I speak..
speak about the train tracks on halcyon. this is where, after the predator shoved a gun in the temple of my forehead for..
/and have I reported? I can no longer feel the pressure of the gun when I think, or write or mention it.. but I did for years after.. as if it was there again..
anyway, after shoving the gun in my head with so much anger.. debating out loud whether I should live or die
-as i'm driving, looking forward, with the gun to my head, and he is in the passenger seat directing me where to drive
I end up on halcyon and at some point he tells me to pull over. some point being at the railroad tracks. I am certain this is the last few seconds of my life, and he's going to pull me out and shoot me
but instead, he threatens with knowing where I live, he flips the rearview mirror up and takes off into the darkness
I think, ive written about it before.. how.. he had all these ways of making sure I couldn't see him/identify him. from coming up from behind.. keeping my head forward by keeping a gun in the side, covering my face.. uncovering to drive, but keeping the gun in the temple of my head and flipping the rear view mirror up. looking back, I can know, -this was certainly not a first act of crime; he was very practiced
and when I cry, and I do still, all these years later, cry.. it is not for my own pain; it is because I know as I write this; this crime continues all over the world; so I ache for all rape victims/survivors
and I sure do pray for a cure to this evil. an understanding of cause; and a cure..
in any case; fresh still, even to this day, 17 then, 51 now
I remember being paralyzed -that is the best word. he flips the rearview mirror up -takes off, and now I am alone in the car and
I knew I needed to drive off -but I couldn't move at first. and on instinct, anytime you take off in a car you kind of glance in your rearview mirror; and when I went to do the instinctive glance, and of course its flipped up, so I can't see
I also could not take my hands off the steering wheel to move it. my hands would not move. I could not touch that rearview mirror. I was frozen.
and I remember; fresh, even all these years later; how my mind raced for where to go.. and I visualized going to the Lakeside Apartments, -back where I was headed when I got ambushed in the first place
but "i cant get out of the car." it was another form of paralysis.. the way my mind functioned in this state of shock
-if you could get inside and read what it was communicating to me
it was very, very, specifically saying: if you get out of the car and try to walk anywhere; the same thing will happen again
-not maybe it could
it most definitely would. -I like being able to look back..
rationally, you can know.. he took off into the darkness; long gone.. in reality; there was next to zero chance/probability of encountering the same or another predator
but, I was in shock and panic and kept knowing -knowing!- even if I can get to the parking lot.. I can't get out of the car.. I cant walk alone.. it was if he was still there; waiting everywhere at once
I cant get out
I cant get out
I cant get out
I could not touch the rearview mirror. I could not get out of the car. -could not even walk two feet away from the vehicle alone or the same thing would happen again..
that was locked in and I was paralyzed
my mind raced.. where can I go? what can I do? I cant get out of the car was a repetitive fact, and it flashed in my mind
how, at my mom's house at the time, in Hayward
there was gravel that lead all the way to the front door. there was not just a driveway..
I would not have to park near the street and walk -any distance- to a door
I could pull all the way up to the front door itself
that is exactly what I needed. my only hope. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually..
without this ability to be able to open the car door, and go directly into a safe place
I would have been driving around in circles until the gas ran out, and then paralyzed.
so I headed
-at full speed, without ever touching the rearview mirror; -to my mom's
I pulled the car as close to the front door as possible; ran like the predator was on my heels in that very moment to the door and started pounding
my memories get vague after that... my brother says he opened the door, and I just pushed him away, screaming
The Lord has declared that He will restore me to health and heal my wounds. Jeremiah 30:17
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Images are to memory.. by (me!) sandra, tvgpimages are to memory; as reading is to mind.
that is to say,
once you learn how to read.. you can't not read a word presented to you
/see what I mean.
and with pictures/images/objects... once a memory is associated with a given image/object/picture
you can't see that given image/object/picture without remembering..
you can't unread words any more than you can unconnect memory to image.
file this under: things to keep in mind.
on another note: sure wish I could open and close my ears with the same ease and speed that I can open and close my eyes.
file this under: if ears could blink, like eyes can wink
/and I feel a poem coming on that I don't have time to write...
In Jesus precious name, amen!
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
The Heart Seen.. by (me!) in the Starry Night Petunia's at Alden Lane
aren't these spectacular! and if you search images of starry night petunia's on the web:
lots of hearts to be seen...
when the night sky is in full bloom
The Heart Seen by (me!) sandra, tvgp
Sunday, April 16, 2017
To my family, my friends on Easter.. from The Kay's
has an over 2000 year track record
loving, saving, healing, liberating
rescue & restoring
I thank God for Jesus!
and I thank Jesus for
Happy Easter! Love & Blessings in abundance prayed for you.. and your loved ones.
Hallelujah! & Amen!