Thursday, March 23, 2017

Mom~mosa. (me!)~mosa. and hostess cupcakes.

honey, the sign said, $5 bottomless mimosas
I said with a smile to my mom
"you know what that pairs well with..   write..

..and I intend to eat the whole thing.    /for breakfast.



Attention Documentary Filmmakers: from (me!) sandra, tvgp

having recently watched, and thoroughly enjoyed the documentary on PBS of Dr Maya Angelou's life..    got me thinkin' again

how much the world needs THIS DOCUMENTARY

  -and there's so much more...   

"this is the day the Lord has made..   and I re-Joyce in it!"


Wednesday, March 22, 2017

awake! aware! by (me!) sandra, tvgp

and so yes, there was a notable, experiential change.. when I graduated from just having thoughts; to observing my own thoughts and weighing them against God's word, and keeping or deleting them accordingly.

and, there was a notable, experiential change, when I went from being unconsciously manipulated/influenced by   [variable here]

influenced by people older, with intention to manipulate
by advertisements/commercials
by peer pressure
by substances
by culture
by insecurities, fears, movies, music...

and then became aware and awake to how these things were influencing/manipulating me..

significant milestones. 


and lets revisit the greatest gap   -between the intention of a law, and the result,   -on two other occasions

the intention of the law was to protect women against sexism and sexual harrassment in the workplace.  one of the actual results I witnessed was women entrapping men for financial gain.  setting up the sexual harassment case, with the very intention of winning money in court.

-made me so heart sick for the genuine victims...   

solution?    I don't pretend to know.

and, then we have the war against drugs, with its obvious noble intentions..

but then the RESULT..  is an increase in sex-trade/human trafficking..

because if you get pulled over with drugs in your car    -evidence; jail.

but if you get pulled over with teenagers in your car..

harder to prove you are using them as prostitutes.

solution?   I don't pretend to know.

all I do know, is that there sure is a counterproductive result from very well intentioned laws we pass.

and it is that gap  -between intention and result, that speaks to why I always have been, am now, and will always be

pro-choice when it comes to the issue of abortions.

because while the intention of a law against abortions might be noble, the result is:

increase in suicides
increase in self inflicted abortions; which can go very wrong
increase in black market abortions

and I am grateful to learn, that without a no-choice law on the books, abortions have been on the decrease in general.


and, does anyone see why..     see the correlation between the old testament   -law based

and the new testament..   

because God himself saw that while the laws were well intended...

the results?!

seems like a fair analogy.

IN Jesus loving, merciful, true and trustworthy name...   amen!


Tuesday, March 21, 2017

let's review -san leandro. by (me!) sandra, tvgp

k.  I really wanted two pictures side by side to show you, visually, what it was like..

I will describe instead:   as, it is true that for years,  post kidnap/rape, I lived, worked, played, danced, healed, etc.  in san leandro.

[picture of somewhere in san leandro here, place 4 or 5 pieces of vellum over it]

and, it was not until I got away, that I realized    

[picture of Pleasanton; no vellum]

i had been in a fog..    like I could see everything; yes..    but it was not until things became clearer, that I realized there were...  layers.

and i came to love Pleasanton very much.   and feel safe.   and built a life..     and worked, and married, and had children..  and raised children..  and made friends..  and created things..  on and on..

and during those years, even when i drove past san leandro on the freeway..    a weight would visit my spirit; light and temporary; but there was never not a change/shift in me..

i could feel it.    look forward to it passing..  and returning to Pleasanton.


some years later..   my mom and her husband, who had left Hayward for Patterson, then left Patterson for

-san leandro.

i experienced a sense of betrayal...    what a set back...

and when i did visit, the weight that was light and temporary as i passed san leandro on the freeway.. that darkness became very heavy and lingered..

symptoms of my PTSD would return.  

so, what we worked out between us, my mom and i, is that she would visit me, and her grandchildren, in Pleasanton, and that i just would not come to san leandro

and i think this was pretty good for the most part, but as my mom hosted the thanksgivings dinner in san leandro..    the entire family, including my sister, her kids, and my ex-husband, and my children..

everyone went but me.

thanksgivings were difficult, but..    for me..     having one awkward day, vs. an ongoing dark weight that lingered and threatened the progress i had made

made it easy.

but as time passed..  i could feel..    a different weight.    a weight of guilt, i suppose, for not going..

i would return to the pros and cons of going vs. not going; and not go.

Jesus understood.


the turning point, was when i went to san leandro for an entirely different reason...     -to help a friend of my daughters who was having issues with drugs, and landed himself in the junior/youth jail there.  -juvenile hall.

now, God spoke to me..  or put it on my heart..  however you want to understand/process it, but my thinking was as follows:

how is it that i can get myself to san leandro for THIS (person i don't know well.. and who has betrayed my trust and broke the law..)   -how/why for him

and not for my mom, who has been there for me for my entire life..   /and the list of caretaking, help, meals, birthday parties, family gatherings, fudge dishes, hugs, cards, love, support...  on and on..

and i decided on that day..   i was gonna get myself over to visit my mom in san leandro, and not have her always coming to Pleasanton.

and..     when i did go visit..     oh!     -my daughter is my witness!   a man.. a serpent..  literally!

anyway..   the dark weight arrived.. lingered..     and reignited some PTSD symptoms..

"which is what ive been trying to tell everyone!  it is not F'ing worth it!"

but..   it did not linger, linger, and get worse or more severe..

it let up after a number of days.  not weeks or months..

           -a good sign.

and i felt pretty determined to conquer..

and, started returning to my mom's for thanksgiving dinners, and coming over for visits on my days off, and attending her annual cookie parties again..   etc. etc.

and there was no dark weight; no lingering sense of anything negative..  it all started to subside.

 but i sure was restricting myself to driving straight to my mom's house.  and straight back to Pleasanton.


fast forward to now.   -as in, now i live here.   i am living with my mom and her husband in san leandro

and how can i describe?

now, ive said it before and will say it again.   traumatic memories cannot be erased, but they can be diluted

the more diluted the better. 

the more diluted, the i am better.

now places i would have avoided are demanding i come revisit.     -and to experience the same places with a certain indifference in my heart/mind/spirit..

it is a gift.

even though the threats then, and in fact, the threats now were and are; real..

the only way to describe it, is if you have been a young child who was really scared on a ride at Disney land  

but when you are older and you return to the same ride..   you see how it wasn't real.. and it doesn't scare you anymore..

the internal sensation is similar; the experience is similar.   but i was not afraid of something pretend; and intended to scare me

i met evil, scary for real.

and real evil, and real scary people are still out there..

but i am not afraid.  i am not preoccupied with the concern..

anytime  -anything-   wants to start preoccupying my mind, i am able, via prayer, to halt it.

my mind has healed enough to do so..

that muscle was broken and inoperable for a long time.


today.  on this very day, earlier while i was at the local CVS to buy jelly beans for my mom..

the man in front of me asked me what my tattoo stood for

i said with a smile, "it means conquer the world with kindness."

and then he told me about the tattoo on his foot, which, translated means

"Trust no one."

and he told me he lost all trust in humanity.

"but you trust Jesus..    write.."   i said to him, still smiling.

and, yes..   he said he only trusted Jesus.

and i told him i understood, and we parted ways after the cash register.


and i thought about that for a bit..

if i told that man..   if i were to bullet point

* kidnap/rape
* kidnap/rape
* armed robbery
*abusive alcoholics
*lyin'/cheatin' boyfriends
* assholes/idiots/unevolved humans with superiority complexes

he might be surprised that i can trust anyone.   that i can still talk to strangers.


since he said he trusts Jesus...   that means he must know Jesus..

and so maybe, he is not surprised at all.


from a very deep, very dark pit i have been rescued and restored.

"Thank You! Jesus"          every family, friend, and trustworthy acquaintance.


First World Problems ... as contemplated by (me!) sandra, tvgp

the pastor used the phrase this past sunday,   but my co-worker friend, a beautiful, young 20~something, uses the phrase with great frequency

"i know.  its a first world problem."    and dismisses any upset/concern for any given problem because relative to third world problems..  

nothing really is a problem.


I'm uneasy with it..  still wrestling...    because while it is true..   to some degree.   all things being relative..

well, I don't have it worked out.   I think perspective is healthy..     and not whining over a bad grade, or cold, or inability to find a hotel room..

none of it is terrible when you set it next to problems like,  next meal? any medical care at all? and not a problem with air conditioning in a house

but the problem of no shelter at all.


still..   not sure we should so easily dismiss everything..   marginalize what is troubling/bothering us because its not at the crisis level of third world countries.

but I'm not sure..

and, as if divinely choreographed:   write about the time I was wrestling with these thoughts, I heard a young girl on her I-phone telling whoever was on the other end

"i couldn't stop crying...   she ruined my whole eyebrow."

and I don't know where she went for her wax or thread, or dye..   or who destroyed the shape/color of her precious eyebrow for what amount of money

but I sure did want to let her in on the new awareness; the new catch phrase..

offer her some perspective...

and a Kleenex.

and an eyebrow pencil...

and console her all the way back to her Mercedes...  


In Jesus, was born in a manger and traveled by donkey..   's name...   amen.

yes. AGAIN. (me!) sandra, tvgp

thoughts on thoughts.

  -the name/vocabulary for the part of us, that allows us to observe our own thoughts.   change them.  or hold them captive, as the bible suggests..

this practice I have been in for some time:    I hold my thoughts captive...   put them through the holy filter..    throw out what I know to be negative/ugly/untrue

and keep what I know to be true, wise, productive, helpful..

the specific part of us that can observe our own thoughts; judge them..   delete, change or meditate on them..
discard or honor them..   question or answer...

what is that part of us called?    "I"   ?

I had a thought.   I observed that I had a thought..


the mind is the battlefield.   the heart is the trophy.    thoughts are weapons.   

                         our heart can use our mind to keep secret truths from others

but our minds cannot use our heart.

There is an internal heirarchy.

where is that place exactly? ...inside us...   that knows/recognizes our truth

Origins?  From eternal truth...

more later..

IJN.  amen.

tag line by (me!) sandra, tvgp

just made me smile to see the tag line I created for alden lane nursery used on a coupon promotion that was mailed to 1,000's of homes.   I think its an important & inspiring message:

plant friendship * harvest joy * yield miracles

and like that each two word pair have two meanings.  it took me some time playing until landing..

            plant friendship, where plant is a noun or an idea.   -harvest as a thing to do/ or experience.  yield as a value, or instruction...       and it all relates to actual gardens/nurseries; and to relationships between people/plants; and people to people to life...

"thank you cyndee!"

In Jesus garden~lovin' name...     amen!

what a weight lifted! for (me!) sandra, tvgp

when, in prayer, I said..    I have to stop worrying about the results; or organizing.  I cannot be burdened with organizing what ive written, or will write..   

i'll just do the writing.


and a memory surfaced; as they do..   in unorganized fashion:   how I cried to Jesus..  cry~talked..  saying, "i want to feel safe...  I want to feel safe...   I want to feel safe..."   and then, it turned from crying to anger..   I said, "i don't want to FEEL safe Jesus



anyway..   I must edit.  as I have been for some time..    I edit, because I learned this truth when I was volunteering for the tri valley haven

how, the men who were abusing their girlfriends, wives, children...    sending them in need for shelter and protection

the men who were caught, turned in..      the ones who were  -sentenced- to anger management classes, and had to attend, and had to prove with a certificate of some sort, that they attended..

well, to the outside world, and perhaps the judge..     that certificate ='d that the abusive individual had made some progress..     had learned/gained some insight into their unlawful, destructive, violent, ugly behavior, and helped them become better men; better individuals

and while I'm sure that IS the aim of such programs..     

the truth behind the seens   -as shared with me by people in the actual know

is that the only thing the abusive men improved at; was how to get away with the same behavior but without getting caught.

                  -that's write.   they were required by law, to take anger management classes, that ultimately served to help them become more skillful abusers

improve their craft.

sad, sad, but true.  

and the bible passage this brings to mind for me, is the one about ideas landing on different types of soil..

because, if we apply the analogy of soil as mind/heart/soul..

perhaps on the write soil..    of a man who was capable of feeling remorse, capable of seeing the consequences of his abusive behavior on others..     on the write soil, such a man might look to the origins of this behavior..   and try and correct and improve, and make apologies, and apply lessons, and learn to respect...  etc., etc.

but the soil of a percentage (what % I don't know) of the men attending these classes, was not write.  the soil itself was corrupt..   so they listened, but only heard, what caused them to get caught..   and if they did this, instead of that..

they could still abuse; control with fear; etc...   but!   without getting caught.    and now they have a certificate to show everyone they graduated.


so, I just realize over and over...     intentions vs. actual results.   and how important.. the soil; the roots..   and how important it is to assess    -RESULTS.

ive said it before, and worth mentioning..  it is to me the greatest gap..   not the haves & have nots; not the poor vs. wealthy, or educated vs. uneducated..

the greatest gap is between the intention of a law; and the results...

there is such a long list of  -intended this, but got that..

and boy are we slow to assess, and repair...


so, of course, as I am, as I have described, on a spiritual trek, in a spiritual land mine..   traumatic memories    -not buried, but which were resting on the ground

they are floating up..    nearer the surface; easy to reach

and cerebral hyperlinks that I might pass over in different environments, demand to be clicked on

so, I think I will demonstrate how this works, by doing just that.   and you can choose to click or not.

I was at mt eden high school in Hayward this past sunday, because Melissa was performing in her church's band there

 [I'm not hyperlinking 'mt eden' because there are hundreds of potential links/no time..]

and before I can write another word, I want to say
           -MUCH BETTER visiting mt eden, for church on a sunday, at age 51, than when I was a freshman there at age 15..

"Thank You! Jesus.."

anyway.. wonderful, wonderful...   

and the message was primarily from the story in the bible about  -loving your neighbor, and then..

who is your neighbor..

and then the story about the man who was robbed,

because -mind travel for (me!) sandra, tvgp


anytime some talks about robbery..    well, usually robbery is about money.  or something to sell for money..

I do not condone; justify.. but, I do understand.  I can wrap my mind around the idea of someone being desperate, or on drugs, or overwhelmed by peer pressure, or some combination of all of those, and who does not hold their thoughts captive, but takes them serious, and then ends up robbing for money or valuable that can be sold for money.  I can see how that happens.

I cannot understand how a person ...   broke into our home; stole me from my room; violated my body and ... left.

he was not out for money, or valuables..     not like, human trafficking, where the human is sold for money..

and I can spend more time than I will admit, curious about that..     what set of circumstances leads a human being to kidnap/rape a young child, where no financial gain is an objective.

and I think about most all the men I know in my life, my dad, my brother, my male cousins, my male co-workers, school peers... boyfriends..          all the males..     

and I cant think of one of them... not one, who even if he was down, down, down on his luck, and/or on drugs..     I cant think of one male ive encountered in day to day life...   capable

but there was no financial gain involved when I was kidnapped/raped at 6,  16, or 17 either..

although I do remember the lakeside rapist took cash from my wallet too..       -why not, just the cash?


I would love if an expert..   

because to research it myself..   as you know,  an online research would generate an avalanche of information/opinions/advertisements...     rabbit hole.

but as it is 2017, and surely to our good God, we've learned..

I wonder if anyone could explain it in a way, that   -while I would never condone/justify..   

will I ever  understand?

and like the anger management classes..                 are there ways we can teach? that don't just provide an opportunity , a school, for kidnappers/rapist to become better at their evil craft?

and, when I write about PTSD..     I have to edit  -for exactly that reason..    sometimes it helps victim survivors.. sometimes it is used to elevate the craft of evil-doers


the mind/heart/spirit..   it matters what soil the seed lands on.

so, naturally..  

we have to look closer at soil.         origins of soil...

very important story in the bible..   seed landing on different soil...

Monday, March 20, 2017

the difference a day makes. photos by (me!) sandra, tvgp

Sunday, March 19, 2017

-do the math- by (me!) sandra, tvgp

on Friday a man insisted I watch him show off how much power he held over his little dog.

"Sit!" he commanded.   And the dog sat.

on Saturday, a man invited me to witness the result of the love he poured into his big dog.

"Sit."  he said.   And the dog sat.

on Sunday, both dog owners (2), died. (-2)

only one dog was sad.

-do the math-

The Heart Seen...

I love these so! "thank you!" xoxo

by (squidmann!)

by (squidmann!)

by (carla graci!)


dear anyone/everyone in the field of psychology.  how may I be succinct?  there is no reason for me to point out a specific university; a specific study; a specific group or person.   you know the pattern. we all do.  it goes something like this:

we told a group of people we were doing this experiment   [experiment described]

but we were really doing this experiment [described] and only told them we were doing [that experiment] so we would learn...    the truth!

..  and it turns out...

people will consume less chocolate if you change the candy bar color to blue, and make the packaging brown.


now I know, appreciate and understand, that getting to the truth sometimes requires non-truths on the journey.  I get that.   ends justifies the means, and all that..

but I would caution, that when you have decades of an entire field of study, and its "scholars" and "professionals"  utterly immersed in practices of deceit in the name of finding truth

what you end up with, is entire populations of people unable to trust you, or take you serious, at all.

unless what you are doing is really helping humanity move forward and evolve; and improve in health and well-being

cut it out.

here are some of the problems facing humanity today:

human trafficking.
elderly abuse.
road rage.
domestic violence.
violence in general.
hate crimes.
PTSD which results from all of the above; and natural disasters.


I could go on, but..   those represent the short list.

and as I have pointed out, once or twice..

genuine humanitarians are our most evolved human~beings     -they should be studied in great depth, and taught..   and shared and celebrated and researched!

try and get to the bottom and the truth of this:  how does a human being, in this world (described in short list above) become

   -against all odds, suggestion, cultural common-sense, survival instinct, and without financial reward or fame dangled..

how does a human being become a genuine humanitarian?   

and unless you are addressing a real problem/crisis facing humanity today,

or helping hurting/selfish/stuck people evolve

if your God given gifts/talents/time/energy are devoted to deceiving individuals/groups so you can make amazing discoveries like people wont consume as much chocolate if its tinted blue

then you are contributing to the problem; not the solution.

IN Jesus, did not deceive in order to help humanity,    's   name.   amen!

Saturday, March 18, 2017

The Heart Seen... by (me!) sandra, tvgp

inside the garden store; sweetest little heart shape...        and I find when they are just a little lopsided it adds to their charm.        amen.

Friday, March 17, 2017


-never woulda guessed...   but I am on the same page with Donald trump when it comes to decisions regarding vaccinations..

that is to say, that, if what ive read is true, trump had his child vaccinated, but not on the same time table as recommended by healthcare professionals.   -that, he too, had concerns about the side effects/consequences of vaccination overload

and there are ongoing arguments where highly respected healthcare professionals say they have proven no link between vaccination overload and autism,

and parents, and others who..   are not as convinced.    -count (me!) among them.

but I don't mind sharing my thinking/limited knowledge/understanding, and wouldn't change my mind if I were faced with the decision again today

my understanding about vaccinations is this:   they help!   like, polio...   claiming lives...  and vaccination discovered, and   -polio has nearly,  vanished.   that is awesome!

now we have a formula for success!      vaccination = immunization from..  way to prevent

that's beautiful!

so let's get more and more and more and more!

next,   we must factor in, my understanding/belief that HOW this works, is

a small version, of the larger/more threatening virus is introduced into the body, and teaches the body to fight off the potential larger threat later..  /something like that..

if I have that wrong...  ?   

and now factor in...    a wave, a significant increase in autism related cases   {fill in dates here/facts/figures   -no one doubts we went from a few to a lot!  and still have no explanation..  only we keep being reassured it has nothing to do with vaccinations...

but there is also a correlation between the increase in the wonderful list of vaccinations we give at one time, and the increase in autism related issues..

perhaps that is all just coincidence.

now, from my way of thinking   -as a non-trained health professional, but as a loving, caring, new mom..

if we don't know...

I'm going to lean in the direction of not overloading on the vaccines.

I'm not going to choose none...  I understand they work, they are helpful in preventing..

but, when I consider any small amount of a living or dead virus being introduced into the tiny, new body of a new human being...

just now learning to fight..

and at one time, they had one or two vaccines...

and then, three or four...

and then,   five, six, seven...   eight.

how many different types of small amounts added together... 

it seems we are requiring too much fight response from a young human body.. at one time. and the mix of ... to fight this and potentially that..  plus this and that too...

and if it is all perfectly safe...   

why is there any separation at all?     how did they determine we give all these, this month,

and these on down the road..  

trial and error; yes?

so, I am not a no vaccines at all parent..

I am a  -lets not overload new human beings-   parent.

and, for the professional healthcare people who insist there is no risk..

what is the number? of vaccines that ='s a cutoff?

if we discover even more vaccines..      so, let's say write now we can provide for polio, chicken pox..  /whatever the current list is.. 

place it here:

let's pretend (I don't have time to research..)   there are 7.

and, now, let's say, we discover 7 more!    

do you give an infant/toddler/youth...    all 14 at once?  if there are  20?

yes or no.  why or why not?   how is the decision made?


what are the consequences/benefits of all vaccines given at once   vs.   provided over a period of months/years...


tucked also in my mind...     how $$ influences decisions in healthcare industry.   they haven't exactly earned our trust...

tucked also in my mind..

oh!  getting the flu shot was the most important thing in the world for everyone!  write now!  and you need this much.

/until, they ran low..

and suddenly all the marketing leaned toward..

well, it was not that important..     you could get a different strain anyway...

if we give you a portion,   a 1/2...     all you need is 1/2 anyway...

 /so, if we only needed 1/2 to begin with...   why more in the first place?

everything is fiction.       

if you follow even 6 threads in the healthcare/pharmaceutical industries you will learn:

very hard to trust.    some lives are saved/some great leaps are made/some health is restored; some cures are found; greed is prevalent/highly influential; corruption is not uncommon...

but you sure cant take one or the other for granted..   you have to peel back layers, every time..


oh!  the ongoing treasure hunt for truth...

In Jesus name,   amen!


with limited research you can learn:    -how vaccines work:

Vaccines work by creating a miniature immune response in the body

Vaccines are like a training course for the immune system. They prepare the body to fight disease without exposing it to disease symptoms. When foreign invaders such as bacteria or viruses enter the body, immune cells called lymphocytes respond by producing antibodies, which are protein molecules.

Vaccines are like a training course for the immune system. They prepare the body to fight disease without exposing it to disease symptoms.


all arguments/concerns regarding autism put completely to the side for a moment:

it still seems to me, that asking a young developing body to fight several things at once is not a good idea..

that if each vaccine is creating its own miniature immune response,  that's demanding a young developing  body to manage several different miniature responses at once..     and if you add a miniature response to this + a miniature response to that + and a miniature response over here + a miniature response there...       suddenly the word "miniature" doesn't apply anymore

if we want to describe/look at vaccines as training the immune system..   then, if you are giving several vaccines at once; that is over-training, which is counterproductive


I believe in, recognize, support  -celebrate! appreciate the success of vaccines/immunizations..

but for me personally,   -I have great concern when it comes to multiple vaccines given to an infant/toddler/youth at once

and can't understand why/what would be the issue with spreading them out over a given/longer time period so that the body would not have to manage several miniature responses at once

Happy St Patricks Day! from (me!) sandra, tvgp

may you be awake to your LUCK & BLESSINGS