Thursday, February 21, 2019

...More High Praise for Chasing Spring... (ernest wertheim!)

photo by (alicia!) double rainbow view from alden lane nursery

..for the love of creative farmers...

LOVE THIS!   "thank you!"  squidmann

Sunday, February 17, 2019

MANIFESTATIONS from vision board created by (me!) sandra, tvgp

 one of nine visions on my vision board from many years ago:

REMAINS UNANSWERED for (me!) sandra, tvgp

I have googled..  I have read...   and none of the very scholarly or journalistic articles I have come across seem to actually ANSWER the questions..   they tell who has researched it..  who has narrowed it down..   who has carried on the research..  based on prior research

but no answers; no actual answers/clear explanations..   and in one case, they interviewed deaf people to learn their experiences..  and that's all interesting for sure, but..

we are NOT using our ears /sense of hearing when we "listen" to our thoughts..   so, being deaf, …   ?   doesn't really factor in..

so, questions remain:

1.  how do we hear our thoughts?

2.  how is the volume set?  as, at least with me, and most people I interview... we cannot whisper or yell and manipulate or alter the volume of our thoughts the way we can and do with our human voices/talking, singing, yelling, whispering, murmuring, etc.

3.  origin of the thoughts we are conscious of on any given day?

4.   when we 'hold our thoughts captive'  and evaluate them for truth or trash...   what part of our mind allows us to observe/analyze our own thoughts/inner voice?

5.   how does the toggle switch work, which might explain why we switch, randomly, suddenly, sometimes from thinking silently, to thinking out loud?   what activates that switch?

6.  when we realize we are thinking a certain thought, over and over... on some kind of default system.. and acknowledge, nip it in the bud, and proactively change what it is we are thinking about..     how do we do that?  which muscle? or synapse?


Ano Nuevo & The Elephant Seals for (sexy! tops! john! & maria!)

our docent was THE BEST!  navy veteran  "thank you!"   /and it was explained to me by john, that his position in the navy was one of the most dangerous..    but, what a passionate/knowledgeable/engaging docent!  and the tour is 2 1/2 hours.. and for much of it, we were standing in pouring rain

and dave, our docent..  he was ENTIRELY IMPERVIOUS to the elements... spoke as if we were all standing/walking in sunshine on a perfect day..

and what a treat it was!  turns out, better to see the elephant seals in the rain, than a sunshiny day, because it is in the rain that they are their most active

and we did get to witness them battling, mating, hanging out..  males, females and pups..

utterly fascinating to watch nature this close up..   mesmerizing.

but none of us were quite prepared for the amount of rain..    so, -the total opposite of skinny dipping would be to jump in a pool with all of your clothes on; and that is the condition we ended our tour in...   soaking, soaking, dripping wet.   and in that condition we walked/jogged the mile + back to johns truck..   felt a little like what I imagine boot camp training might include; add weights and more obstacles..    and then a drive on 17 in the pouring rain...

so..    I keep giving myself imaginary brave badges..    and, keep moving past fears/obstacles; and keep being rewarded..

and I have my sexy to thank over and over again...    and my new friends, maria/john, which have become friends as a direct result of loving robert..   "thank you!"   awesome time again   -hallelujah and amen

The Heart Seen... by (amanda!)

this entire family  -so blessed!  "thank you!" for these recent contributions..   just gorgeous!  grateful and proud to add them to the heart seen collection!  xoxo

SILENCE HEARD ON THE VOICE by (me!) sandra, tvgp

-because it would feel neglectful, if I didn't write this before moving forward:

it is the kind of thing - a type of loud silence -  i'm sure only fellow rape survivors can hear

and I hear it very loudly on the voice.  the television show currently popular  -which I LOVE!  where contestants compete to win $$ and title of "the voice"   -worlds best singing voice of a given year

and, we,

the audience,

we don't only listen and watch the actual competitive performances  -but we also get to watch little mini bio's of the singers..   brief histories of when they first started singing..   a little about where they come from, geographically speaking, and a little about their families..   and quite often, we learn, in these mini bio's..  of any major traumas they have, or are currently facing

examples being: poverty; cancers; bullies; domestic abuse; drugs;  early, unplanned pregnancies; rejection; betrayals, abandonment; unemployment; natural disasters, like fires, floods..    etc.   and in many cases, we learn either the contestant themselves, or a family member or treasured friend..     someone has had to conquer a major battle.      -but, if we know, 1 out 4   (or whatever the current stat is..)  but if we know, 1 out of every 4,

or 1 out of every 6..  

girls or boys are survivors of  sexual assault/abuse; rape..

and we do the simple math:    how many contestants on the voice, over how many years/seasons..

and yet..   perhaps I haven't watched every. single. episode.

but I have watched many..    and, despite what I know statistically

not once have I heard that sexual abuse/assault; rape was the trauma a contestant, or their family member/friend, had to endure/survive/battle

the voice/the bio's on the voice, is only one example, of what continues to be a cultural trend

that loud silence...

that screams

what is, and what is not okay to talk about.

and, it is not a conscious effort, I understand, for entire cultures/populations to conspire with predators, and further fuel the unjustified shame factor on innocent victims

but, conscious or not; that IS THE RESULT

to be silent is to conspire with, support, and aid predators.   and they would like to thank you.

I would like to wake you up.

also, I admire/thank/appreciate Joyce Meyer's here..   when I re-realize she is in her early 70's, and how if going back...

to consider the climate, cultural climate, when she spoke of the incest she survived..  to an international, religious and secular television and live audience..

my God!  that took some levels of bravery few women/men ever exercise.   Wow!!

"Thank You Joyce and Thank You Jesus!"..  Amen & amen.

Thursday, February 14, 2019

It is Valentines... Let us speak and walk in LOVE by (me!) sandra, tvgp

I first learned about love

   excerpt from my archives:

and would you like me to speak again,  -some more about LOVE

how it is omnipresent..  infinite.  never runs out...  ever!
how it is not a limited resource we have to fight over...

how the mom in that country can love her child so deeply, so completely, so utterly

but that huge amount of love experienced/shared by that mom does not mean the mom on the other side of the world, now has less..

how it expands and grows..

how it is we even know  -we love someone; the internal experience, understood, known, interpreted


and, how God IS Love..          ~inside us.

and all around us...           everywhere.   unlimited, infinite resource

that unlike any other resource..    expands with use.    there is not one pile of love, that gets spread thin, you see

or runs out.   or must be rationed.

there is always plenty and plenty more

where love comes from...

for those who don't believe in God..

I would not waste a second arguing, or trying to convince, or persuade

because LOVE is a spiritual LAW that applies to all of humanity; not a specific faith or lack of faith system.    .it is like the sky

do you love anyone?   isn't it fantastic!

that is plenty.

and there is plenty more..

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

The Heart Seen... by (me!) sandra, tvgp

this is my 'I give up.. best I can do' photo   -because, even in this picture.. my 20th attempt..   you can't quite see the heart shape the same way you can with your eyes

the view is from the information desk at alden lane..

and, again,   only from a specific distance, only from a specific angle..

and if you find both that distance and angle at the same time..   what a beauty!!

    -and when I see other people at alden lane with cameras..  I try to make sure they know, so they can give it a go too..

"happy valentines everybody!"
   love, ~Sandra

p.s.   valentines = the anniversary of my baptism; when I gave my heart officially to Jesus; my savior, my Lord

hallelujah & amen!

Unafraid of the dark (me!) sandra, tvgp

sharing an excerpt from a conversation with my sexy   -it was regarding the "stereotype" of what the sex life is imagined to be like for the victim,  in the aftermath of surviving rape

my analogy will win no awards, but it comes the closest to my personal experience.

you need to hold two different images; one at a time; in your imagination

the first image:   lovers on a picnic in a beautiful park, on a beautiful day  -and the lover hands a bottle of water to his beloved.   -she delights in every sip throughout the picnic

the second image:   /which I really read about in a newspaper decades ago:   a woman chained to a chair, her nose painfully clamped shut, her neck/face forced back, and gallons of water, non-stop, are forced down her throat beyond any humans ability to properly swallow or digest    /in the case I read about..  the victim in fact died this way.


where water is the analogy for sex  -consensual vs. rape

and water is a life necessity isn't it; adds enormously to the quality of life..   clean, pure, drinkable, swimmable, wonderful water..  

but used in a different way...    terrorizing and deadly.   it can water-color the earth gorgeous greens

and give children puddles to play in..

and then there are tsunamis.


in the example above..    had the woman who had gallons of water, non-stop,  forced down her throat, with no way to breath, swallow, digest..   had she lived..

would you expect her to hate water?   to respond with PTSD every time someone handed her a glass of water?  

it is very clear..   nothing to do with water itself, but rather the motive/intention/evil or motive/intention/love of the human being with the water.    it is about the person, not the thing


what I remember most  -that followed me through and in the aftermath of 3 different kidnappings/rapes, is this:

not being terrified or frightened of sex

but being very terrified and frightened that no one knew where I was.. or could know... or would know.

no one being able to find me.   that was the scariest thing of all.

and so, as time moved on, and my healing moved with it

when I did again engage in risky behavior

and by the way, just leaving the house alone to go to the grocery store felt risky..

but, when I did, for example, start flirting again, and went to a potential boyfriends house..

for many, many, years..  I did no such thing without making sure someone knew where, when, who..  
this was before we had cell phones/trackers, etc.

so, I would copy my license, and write down what information I had about who/where I was going, what route I would take, etc.

because  -in my mind/heart/soul, I realized..   something bad can happen to me..

and if it does..

if I don't return..

if you don't hear from me within such n' such time..

you know where to come lookin'


I mostly just wanted to make sure, that if I was killed

someone would find my body.  I can't over emphasize how important that was..  find me..   felt more important than the alive or dead part;   just -find me.


that desire remains in me to this very day.  I always want at least one person to know where I am at all times.  so, thank you, cell phones/gps/trackers..  "thank you!"


and in the aftermath of three different kidnappings and rapes

Praise God

I have a very healthy, wonderful sex life.    /let us "cheers!" here, and clink our water bottles

   -take that! devil

hallelujah and amen

Thursday, February 07, 2019

The -WHOLE- truth and something 'bout the few by (me!) sandra, tvgp

I am writing as a layperson, pedestrian, citizen, mom, prior victim, conqueror, survivor; and not as a professional journalist reporter.  there has been no fact checking, and there will be no actual, real numbers researched to provide you.   I know what I know without any or all of that; based on 5 decades plus of life and over a million conversations/observations/experiences, etc.


the inspiration for this post is a recent, ultra brief conversation, that went like this:

(me!):   "are you a Christian?"

him:   "No.  I'm an atheist.."      and that really was the beginning and the end of our conversation.


but what I know about  -him-   is that he is headed into law enforcement, and so I said to myself and Jesus..   let me pray extra for that young man...   and I don't know Jesus, but if I were to guess..  I'd give his atheism about another 5 to 7 years tops...    and I wonder what his come to Jesus moment will look like?


To every noble man and woman in law enforcement of any faith or lack thereof:

 "Thank You!  Thank You!  Thank You!" 

  We need you more than ever, but write now, in the current climate, it is very hard to keep and recruit qualified, noble, people!

The exploitation of the corrupt few.. over, and over, and over..   has the population at large projecting corruption on the entire force.   You are entering (or currently working in) a very hostile environment.   You are being severely over-worked and incrementally under paid...  slowly the wages are being lowered, or for longer times stagnant..   longer hours, mandatory, not optional; the amount of time/years to be vested in 401k's and the like keeps growing longer...   if I were to summarize the conditions in 5 words:


and now in your thankless, very high stress job, lacking sleep and time to restore with so much mandatory overtime..    under 7 layers of stress,    -should you make a decision, that anyone who is overworked, exhausted, and up against would make..     and that decision is wrong in the blinded public's eyes..    you will pay for that too..    adding even more stress...   even more hostility.

How can we turn this around?    I do not have the answer..   but I sure can identify the problem.


via a million conversations, I have learned..     it is entirely BACKWARDS

SDRAWKCAB!! in the jails/prisons

flip the formula for a moment..   the same way the exploitation of the few corrupt cops has been projected on to the whole...

the exploitation of a few wrongly accused or poorly treated inmates is being projected on to the entire population of inmates..    /I think we should stick to the word "criminal" instead of "inmate" to help remind...    

so that an unbalanced and unjustified amount of compassion, mercy, empathy, etc. is being poured out and onto violent rapists, child molesters, predators of every kind,  drug addicts, gang leaders and members, robbers/thieves.. and a whole line of evil, hideous criminals who have destroyed the lives of our innocent, law abiding, basically good citizens.

now I know, have written prior, and agree still..    if you have a violent, evil, criminal who has destroyed innocent lives..   and who threatens the lives of even one, or many others, by remaining on the streets    -sending such a unevolved human being into our current jail/prison system, certainly does not look to me like it is going to do  -anything-  that will help said EVIL criminal evolve..   rather.. it seems to me it will make matters worse..

but until we figure that out..   keeping predators, rapists, molesters, robbers/thieves, gang leaders, members, terrorists off the streets and away from the innocent, law abiding public seems CRUCIAL TO ME

but the unbalanced and unjustified amount of compassion projected onto the unworthy whole inmate/crininal population IN COMBINATION WITH the unbalanced, unjustified amount of hostility toward the whole law enforcement population is currently equaling this:

violent, evil inmate who is in jail for destroying innocent live(s):

  -just got an upgrade on a larger flat screen tv. /by 2"'s
 -has popcorn/movie nights..   and can be let out of cell for popcorn/movie night even if he/she attacked an officer or another inmate
 -health care/attention at the snap of a finger
-in and out of cell privileges, mandatory, despite any violent behaviors
-popsicles and running through the sprinklers for recreation..   despite attacks on officers or other inmates
-no consequences for ugly, violent, threatening behavior

in my many conversations, I hear it repeatedly, from many different sources..   authority/autonomy has been taken away from the noble law enforcement officers..   and  -given- more and more to the inmates/criminals   and the criminals are feeling very empowered, and our noble officers are working in more and more hostile conditions..

the officers..

many/most good, law abiding, wanting to serve, make a living that will allow them to provide for their families..  wanting to SERVE AND PROTECT their families, communities, schools, neighborhoods by keeping criminals/predators off the streets

they are  -forced-  to work not only their regular 40 hours week, but  -mandatory- overtime..  

so, already up against it..

with no down time..  no time with family/friends, no time for rest.. no time to restore..   and more and more hostile environment/circumstances..   and little to no support from the public or higher ups


is that what you all want?  

an overworked, exhausted, underpaid/undercompensated noble law enforcement officer,

making sure the unevolved violent, predator who just attacked an officer and another inmate

 -do you want to make sure he gets his larger flat screen tv?  and popcorn/movie night..

and free health care...    and laundry service..     and recreational time...    meals...   dessert...

while the overworked, exhausted underpaid/undercompensated noble law enforcement officer has to tell his noble, law abiding spouse and children,

he/she has been -mandatoried- to work another overtime shift, and can't come to the family function; because he/she needs to make sure the criminal gets his/her recreational time..

is that what you want?

-because that is what you currently have.


remember here, I write this as an individual who has survived gang infested neighborhoods; three kidnappings and rapes, a bank robbery..   and many scary neighborhoods/hostile environments.

I am GRATEFUL FOR LAW ENFORCEMENT, POLICE, HIGHWAY PATROL.. every noble first responder of every kind.


In Jesus hear my prayer, name..       amen.

Monday, February 04, 2019

Super Bowl BASH 2019 by (sexy! & tops!)

Friday, February 01, 2019

Yes! I am feelin' very lucky indeed (me!) sandra, tvgp

He did get down on one knee.. my sexy... for (tops!)

k, this is just a sweet moment i'd like to remember..    went on an uphill walk with my sexy this very morning..    we had been, last night, discussing the advantages of walking, exercise, etc.  and the word -lunge came up.  I was like, 'what is a lunge exactly?"  and he verbally described it to me.  and then I said with a smile, "so, when we are walking up hill, if we just make those steps much bigger, you are kind of doing a lunge..   write?"

and when we were walking up the hill, I said with a smile  "show me a lunge sexy"

and he did.

and I said with an even bigger smile..   "baby.. did you just get down on one knee for me?"


and I sure do also want to remember the dream I had about my daughter last night.. I gave her the longer version directly, but here, I will abbreviate:

I got dropped off somewhere and was hoping out of the passenger seat of a huge 18 wheeler..

when I returned into the passenger seat, my daughter was in the driving seat

my God baby.. you cannot drive this thing..   get out of there..

and it started out lighthearted but grew into an actual argument, but while I was telling her she couldn't do it.. she just turned the key and started driving like a pro, in a residential neighborhood

where an 18 wheeler surely does not belong

I was just starting to catch my breath and realize she knew what she was doing  -going straight-

when, suddenly she started to really maneuver and U-turn..

this was too much for me..

and that's when I woke up.   thank God.    and amen.

The Heart Seen... awesome addition/contribution received by (me!) sandra, tvgp

this is just awesome...   "thank you!" squidmann

per email:

Cut off the corner of a twenty-pound bag of bird seed and...voila!

The coolest thing, ever, ever, EVER! to (me!) sandra, tvgp

my very first introduction was via cbs sunday morning show some long time ago..

and I have NEVER forgotten.

only on the occasions I am scheduled to work at the info desk at alden lane do I really have access to a computer and the internet, and in between phone calls, customer service, pricing or other projects, if time and circumstances allow, I will visit their website.  and,

if and when "I" visit their website..

"I" want "everyone!!! to visit their website with (me!)"

"hey.. come look at this... check this out...isn't this the coolest thing ever, ever, EVER!"

and i'm pretty sure if you add all my info counter shifts together with all my co-workers who must pass by the info desk while i'm having my shift..

well, now what I say is...

"hey..  have I already made you look at this book cover website?"     and on many occasions their eyes glaze over, and they go..

well, either they go, "umm...   well...     no..."    /but really they are just being polite and looking for the 3rd or 4th time

or,  before I have even finished asking, they go, "... the book covers...  yes I think you showed that to me last time..       /and the time before that...   under their breath

and poor john, when I made him look

I said with a smile, I said..

"isn't this the coolest thing ever, ever, EVER!"  

and he said, without a smile mind you, he said,

"no..   no..  how can you tell which book is which then?!  i'm more of a purest"  and he indicated to (me!) with actual words, facial expression and tone..   he would never cover his books or any books this way.

so I said,

"john.  -have you not figured it out yet?!"

and he said, "figured what out?"

and I said, "listen.  just look at the website.   ooooh and aahhhh, tell me it's wonderful and walk away.  that's all you have to do, and i'll leave you alone."


so, having burnt out all my co-workers, I started in on innocent customers.   -and!  it just happened to be that my next shift at the info counter, time and circumstances allowed me to look again..

and there I was fielding calls, while staring again at the website..

and a perfectly innocent customer came in, and needed to pick up his cherry tree

so, knowing he could not tell a lie,

I said to him with a smile, I said,

"do you like to read?"

and, only because he said, "yes"    /although, I would have twisted his no, if he gave one, to end up in the same place,

but because he said yes, I said  "check this out!   isn't this the coolest thing ever, ever, EVER!"

and I moved the monitor a little so he could see   and I could tell by his facial expression and tone, etc., that he did think it was pretty cool too!

and then he started to tell me about some people he knew who arranged books by color.


and I mentioned to him, how I wrote a poem once..    "like, who reads books by size or color?"

there was I time I thought that was the most ridiculous thing in the world..

but, this website..  

this is quite different than arranging by size and color, although..  that is in fact what they are doing to some degree..

but what they are doing is so beautiful and creative, and it does honor the books, the authors, the messages, the content in many instances


of course, of course, of course!  I dream again and again,

my 13+ years worth of blogging into book form

across a long, long, long shelf/shelves.. with beautifully designed paper, a gorgeous background

and SQUIDMANN & SHE...   and our 9 years worth of his post/my comments.. into books..

wouldn't that be awesome..


so, we talked about books, and arranging books, and he mentioned to me this artist woman he had read about, and what she did was arrange books so that the titles on the spine, when placed together in a certain order and way..   it would create sentences or poems

but he couldn't remember her name..

and then later that same day, he sent an email to alden lane, with her info..

and "thank you!" kind customer! for being such a good listener..   and for introducing me to nina
another wonderful creative book lover..

"to books! and reading...   and designing...   and arranging their covers!"

cheers!  and amen.

  -forgive technical difficulty..unable to orient picture properly.    the go-around is to just tilt your head significantly ~write:

It's A Jeep Thing for (me!) sandra, tvgp

great job!