SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

Unafraid of the dark (me!) sandra, tvgp

sharing an excerpt from a conversation with my sexy   -it was regarding the "stereotype" of what the sex life is imagined to be like for the victim,  in the aftermath of surviving rape

my analogy will win no awards, but it comes the closest to my personal experience.

you need to hold two different images; one at a time; in your imagination

the first image:   lovers on a picnic in a beautiful park, on a beautiful day  -and the lover hands a bottle of water to his beloved.   -she delights in every sip throughout the picnic


the second image:   /which I really read about in a newspaper decades ago:   a woman chained to a chair, her nose painfully clamped shut, her neck/face forced back, and gallons of water, non-stop, are forced down her throat beyond any humans ability to properly swallow or digest    /in the case I read about..  the victim in fact died this way.

***

where water is the analogy for sex  -consensual vs. rape

and water is a life necessity isn't it; adds enormously to the quality of life..   clean, pure, drinkable, swimmable, wonderful water..  

but used in a different way...    terrorizing and deadly.   it can water-color the earth gorgeous greens

and give children puddles to play in..

and then there are tsunamis.

***

in the example above..    had the woman who had gallons of water, non-stop,  forced down her throat, with no way to breath, swallow, digest..   had she lived..

would you expect her to hate water?   to respond with PTSD every time someone handed her a glass of water?  

it is very clear..   nothing to do with water itself, but rather the motive/intention/evil or motive/intention/love of the human being with the water.    it is about the person, not the thing

***

what I remember most  -that followed me through and in the aftermath of 3 different kidnappings/rapes, is this:

not being terrified or frightened of sex

but being very terrified and frightened that no one knew where I was.. or could know... or would know.

no one being able to find me.   that was the scariest thing of all.

and so, as time moved on, and my healing moved with it

when I did again engage in risky behavior

and by the way, just leaving the house alone to go to the grocery store felt risky..

but, when I did, for example, start flirting again, and went to a potential boyfriends house..

for many, many, years..  I did no such thing without making sure someone knew where, when, who..  
this was before we had cell phones/trackers, etc.

so, I would copy my license, and write down what information I had about who/where I was going, what route I would take, etc.

because  -in my mind/heart/soul, I realized..   something bad can happen to me..

and if it does..

if I don't return..

if you don't hear from me within such n' such time..

you know where to come lookin'

***

I mostly just wanted to make sure, that if I was killed

someone would find my body.  I can't over emphasize how important that was..  find me..   felt more important than the alive or dead part;   just -find me.

***

that desire remains in me to this very day.  I always want at least one person to know where I am at all times.  so, thank you, cell phones/gps/trackers..  "thank you!"

***

and in the aftermath of three different kidnappings and rapes

Praise God

I have a very healthy, wonderful sex life.    /let us "cheers!" here, and clink our water bottles


   -take that! devil

hallelujah and amen

posted by SHE @ 7:14 AM