Sunday, April 30, 2017

Speaking of hostess... by (me!) sandra, tvgp

Letter to my 21 year old self

All paths lead to HOSTESS for (me!) sandra, tvgp

I recently revisited Hayward and the area where Dr Bruce Allen, the best, most gregarious, humorous, wonderful dentist in the world..  once worked.  The office on Tennyson Avenue  I returned to several times to have my 20 cavities filled.

I do not speak Alden Lane... (me!) sandra, tvgp

now, ive already written about how  -terrible..    the scientific names for plants, trees, flowers.. and how desperately they need poets..

and how grateful for common names..

and, as a cashier at alden lane, we wear the same denim shirts as the educated/trained/certified horticulturists, and so people naturally ask us lots of questions,

and several times a day, as politely as I can, "i am merely a cashier, and I don't want you to have to repeat everything, so I'm going to direct you to one of our horticulturists.."

and several times a day, calls come in, and we are supposed to call on our radios out to the horticulturists..   and try and pronounce words/terms/names.. so ...  foreign..   so awkward..

I have absolutely no idea what I'm even trying to re-pronounce..

I usually previse everything by saying, "i don't speak alden lane..."

but,  -yesterday...    fun.   because, I could hear over the radio that I gave my co-worker horticulturist friend gerry the giggles..

I had a customer set a couple grapes in sleeves on the counter..    "i want to know if you have more of these"

I looked at the tag with the grapes..   

  -grapes.  I can say that word.  I'm familiar..  

but, the customer emphasized, "specifically these grapes"

and so I checked the tag, to look for something more specific..

turned my radio to the broadcast to the alden lane world channel, and was like,

"green goods..  can anyone tell me if we have more grapes..   specifically..

/and I had no idea how to pronounce, so I just spelled it:

the V.I.T.I.S.  kind..."

and if you are a horticulturist, or in the nursery industry..   I just made you laugh too.

In guess what Jesus needed to turn water into wine's name     -amen!

LSR picking up where i left off.. (me!) sandra, tvgp

LSR = Lakeside Serial Rapist


the next place..   I mean no memory for me whatsoever, from the time I ran like the predator was still on my heels, from the car to the front door of my mom's house.   -nothing.  

the next thing I do remember, is being at the townhome I lived in at the time, in San Leandro, with my dad, and two police officer/investigators visiting me there.

collecting information

now, I had only seen his face for 1 second at best.  I was walking toward Mark's apartment from the parking lot, heard foot steps behind me, thought it was Mark, and that he was just trying to surprise me, and so turned around to surprise him first,

only when I turned around

not Mark.

A black man in a hooded sweatshirt who put a gun immediately to my head and told me to turn around


the rest ive written, and so will skip to


when the police officers gathered information..   what did he look like.. what did I see/remember

and important to note here, it was 1983 or 1984..

at some point they pulled out a piece of paper from their briefcase which was of a black man in a hooded sweatshirt

and if you want clear evidence of PTSD

when I saw the  -picture!    on paper!    -clearly harmless; a picture/a paper..

my entire being reacted as if it were the predator come to life..

terrified, all over again.


eric kandel has done some great work..   


my layperson analogy, is touch screens on computers..

there is a sensitivity spectrum:    how much pressure to get this link to click

on one credit card machine Ive worked on, you had to press, CREDIT, with all kinds of pressure, three or four times before the darn thing would click to the next screen

and on another,

you barely place your finger over the word, and don't even have to actually make contact, and the next screen appears..

trauma comes along, and resets the sensitivity settings in your mind   -sensitization

and, imagine if you will, a perpetual state of hypersensitivity to every black male, to every hooded sweatshirt; to every sound, to every parking lot;

non-stop.  no breaks..

and then news of another victim...

and another..

but please pause to add this on top of, two prior kidnapping/rapes, and the bank I was in when it was robbed, with a gun held to my head during that traumatic event also..

and here are a few things I think contributed to the severity/longevity of my PTSD

 -the term/condition was not even part of our vocabulary in 1980's the way it is today.

- I went undiagnosed/untreated

-taboo/stigmas attached to rape as a trauma vs. natural disasters, or war or socially acceptable traumas

-my own inability to communicate what I was experiencing

-shame of my behavior(s)

-not knowing/being able to communicate with the other LSR victims

- group counseling  -disaster! as now, each person's story adds another area/predator I need to fear

                   as a matter of fact, I would pause here to say; to recommend

NEVER place a rape victim with PTSD in a group counseling session, probably one of the most counter-productive to healing things you can do     /**caveat below

The healing thing..  would be to place the victim/survivor with a group of healthy people who have never had such an encounter, and just offer unconditional support/love.  you want to remind and give exposure to the fact that there are safe...    there is safe..

** the caveat..

one of the most healing things   -not a group of rape victim/survivors from a variety of predators..

   -you will never leave your house again.

but I still use analogy, and believe, it would be healing/beneficial for those of us, who survived the same predator, to meet/talk with each other

the only other ones who truly know each others suffering/experience

and the analogy that there is a bond, like military people, who serve in the same branch, serve in the same war, and survive the same ambush..

there is a healing thing that takes place, without words even..

just to know; to be in the same room..

just hang out.   you don't have to retell; re-live..

you already know, and move forward from there...


so, PTSD..

perpetual/chronic/non-stop hypervigilance; exhausting.   with no ability to change the channel in your mind

no ability to not react..

and such states of physical paralysis, even though all the parts of my physical body worked fine.  no broken bones, or sprains, or strains..

but long nights, where one sound would paralyze me..   I could not move.   frozen.     any effort to talk myself into moving

    -just move your finger..  just lift your hand..    your hand is not broken..  move it!


frozen.   frozen in position until i'd fall asleep from exhaustion.   repeat; repeat; repeat.

evening/night awful..   dark lighting..


  -but the break of day...    light!

I could function.     

   -have you heard that term..     functioning alcoholic.

it means, an alcoholic, but someone who can still hold down a job..   

that's what I was like,

a functioning PTSD person..

and, I will close with this analogy regarding addiction

I know about addictions from my years as a smoker, and my couple years with prescription drugs

and I have been delivered   -fully!  -completely!   from both,

but it gives me access, and ability to make this analogy

                    -as I am here, revisiting areas where traumatic events took place many years ago

ive learned this

images/pictures, over time, places..       I can go past, visit, look at, see, etc.

and my emotions are entirely neutral; indifferent.   I have the memories; there is no stopping the remembering part

but it does not bring back any associated fears/emotions

                 -as a PTSD survivor         /which is this whole other beast you have to survive after surviving violence/rape/kidnapping

as a survivor

it is not places/pictures that put me at any risk of going backwards in my healing

it is the emotion..   the emotion of fear itself..

that is what can threaten my progress

so, if I experience fear,  for any reason..    

it is like,  if a recovered alcoholic has just that one drink...

like, if a recovered drug addict has just that one drug...

if a recovered smoker, has just that one cigarette...

  you are always at risk of the one small thing, sending you back into a downward spiral

so I have learned to really manage..

I do not, for example, volunteer to watch scary movies..   even though, it's just a movie..

I don't volunteer for anything that makes me scared..

and when I do experience fear, and feel that sensation coming on,

from a loud bang here, a near accident there, a suspicious person over there..

I talk to God immediately!  meditate..    start exercising that muscle/neuron,

whatever it is in our mind that allows us to recognize our thoughts/state of mind

and change it!


once again,

I'm going to do that write now..      "because I can!"

In Jesus miracle working name...   amen!
 this rose is named:   walking on sunshine


What to say to a rape survivor

"Do you know what you should have done..."

"Why didn't you....

"Do you know what I would have done..

"No One Should EVER Have To Experience What You Have Been Through."


Who is to blame?

When a person is kidnapped/raped, violated in any way
of course loved ones review the days/months/hours/years preceding the tragedy

and might spend some time
if only I would have...    /done this or that...
it could have been prevented.   it's my fault...

For the Record
NOT FOR ONE SECOND have I blamed
any family member or friend..

you are not responsible for the fact that rapists/evil exists in society.

but I have spent a lot of time wondering
HOW does a person become a rapist.. what series of life events/circumstances?

I don't think there is a person to blame.
it is an evil disorder
something has gone very wrong in this human's life; very wrong.

proverbs 19:21
Man's plans will never supersede God's purposes.

Roots of PTSD revisited by (me!) sandra, tvgp

once again, i'll be all over the map.. bear with me:    first I have to write about this:

all interest/attention on human behavior:   human behavior, by the way, of predators, and victims, and law enforcement; and family/friends thereof..    everyone's behavior    the ins, the outs, the why and why nots of how/why people  -behave- as they do

 cross-dressing:  as mentioned before, I have only personally known 1 cross dresser; and it was long ago, and I also had access to literature regarding this society of people; primarily, at the time, white males over 40..

I speak then, from a very limited/restricted view, but I want to share a few things anyway.   when I learned the one cross dresser I knew, was a vietnam vet, I did not ignore this information; I was certain it factored in

I had another friend say, "no, there are plenty of men who served in the war who did not become..."


that's fair.  but guess what else:   not every vietnam vet battled PTSD either; only a %

it is my guess, that cross dressing, is another symptom of PTSD; as was my eating disorder, which I will discuss again, and in more detail later, but

but!  PTSD is not the exclusive factor; it is one of several contributing factors toward cross dressing; as war is not the exclusive factor resulting in PTSD.. 

nothing is this one thing ='s that, but rather

this, + this + this + this...     ='s that.

as, my eating disorder, was not   -in my opinion of my own experience-   the result of being a rape victim;  my eating disorder was the result of  -several-  traumas/experiences/pressures all combined

but, I'm pointing to the following as evidence regarding cross dressing as a behavior/and a link to experiences of war

this is an excerpt from one of my posts regarding being a rape survivor:

SHE HAS A NAME TOO!   -though ive never been privileged to know it. I wonder what HER name is..  I bet it was something very, very, beautiful; soft and feminine and lovely to pronounce..


let me place it also here to show where I want to direct your attention:

SHE HAS A NAME TOO!   -though ive never been privileged to know it. I wonder what HER name is..  I bet it was something very, very, beautiful; soft and feminine and lovely to pronounce..


when I review my own writings, I can see...    the association of violence/trauma/ugliness/harshness with masculinity and the associations of beauty/soft/feminine/lovely things with..  femininity.


it makes perfect sense to me, personally, that a person traumatized by war..   predominantly men/male/masculine, might seek out  -unconsciously-  soft, feminine things.

but, as I talked/listened/learned, this cross dresser and others,  also took great pleasure in tricking men of higher ranking in the corporate world.

it is my opinion, that  -stuck/controlled- in the corporate world by wages/position, and by higher-ups who were blatantly hypocrites, also contributed to the cross dressing behavior

it provided some means to say, f you!  but, quite strategically, because, what recourse would the white, male, married, heterosexual CEO have; when he took the bait..

so, I combine, exposure to war/masculine violence/controlled by corporate hypocrites, and..

  -preoccupation- as a numbing device.

the entire time, a man is thinking about what dress, what hair, what make-up..    the time devoted to getting ready,

/and any woman knows, this does all take some time..  amen

anyway,   all of the thought and practical time devoted to living this lifestyle is time that cannot be spent thinking about other things..

  -preoccupation-   of any kind, from my multi-traumatized point of view and life experience is

the ultimate survival tool.   

and, now..

this is all from my very limited/restricted exposure, point of view.   and clearly, I am putting cross-dressing as a behavior

I am lumping it in the same category with eating disorders

that is to say, I think it is a dis-order; a symptom..

but, if someone wanted to argue, with more exposure/experience, that it is not a dis-order, but just a entirely common and natural, healthy way of life for a certain percentage of the human population,

I would be open to hearing these positions out

I do believe that homosexuality fits in that category:  as a perfectly healthy, quite natural orientation for a certain percentage of the human population; for all of time. I do not regard it as a disorder or symptom.

but, who does make these calls correctly?  what is natural/healthy..   what is a disorder/symptom to be healed

based on what criteria?


all of what ive written above, is the result of hearing from my friend in conversation    -and translating in my own mind:

     " the Vietnam war experience did not contribute to the cross dressing behavior"

I'm quite convinced it did.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

HAPPY INDEPENDENT BOOKSTORE DAY! from (me!) sandra, tvgp

i would make one great big collage here if i had the time.  but a few highlights..
with gratitude!
as a reader/responder, book lover, and personalized autographed book collector    -i really appreciate our independent book stores.  my local favorites:  town center books in pleasanton, and rakestraw in danville

you can't meet the authors in person, listen to inspirational talks, get autographs and pictures with the authors you admire when you shop and purchase books online   -write.      -how boring.  efficient yes, ive done it, but..

look how much more fun this is!    cause to celebrate... today is national independent book store day!

tithe your offerings in Jesus name..    He obviously has a deep respect for good books... and great stories and ... words...


Friday, April 28, 2017

Public "Thank You!" to (sue fordyce!) from (me!), sandra, tvgp

... for turning me on to Chonda Pierce.     -I shall enjoy more as time allows..


and I don't know if she already includes this in any of her comic routines, but  -me personally,

I was laughing hard and out loud, when I read Song of Songs in the Bible..

and, I thought, during that time..    I realized rather..

ive never seen anyone cracking up as they read the Bible..   but I sure have:

    -romantic love; the head over heels kind

and what was considered compliments in that era..

                                                 your hair ... like a flock of goats..

                                                 your teeth..   each matched with a twin..

                                                your neck... like a tower

                                                    your breasts...   twin fawns of a gazelle grazing among the lilies

your thighs shelter a paradise of pomegranates with rare spices..
                                                                      henna with nard,
                                                                               nard and saffron,
                                                                                       fragrant calamus and cinnamon,
with all the trees of frankincense, myrrh and aloes, and every other lovely spice

In Jesus great gift of laughter's name..     amen!

Thursday, April 27, 2017

The Heart Seen... by (me!) sandra, tvgp

on the sidewalk in front of the pleasanton post office 
-not quite sure
what this is the result of..  ;what it is made up of?  -bird poop 
but couldn't help but notice and snap a picture

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Grateful to cross paths with YOU! (Melissa!)

I've already written about how hard..   working side by side, getting to know/admire/respect my co-worker friends and then..
How they abandon me for silly things like college.  And how I decided I would rather go ahead and get attached and feel the pain of a  /word that starts with Good..  but ends with..  bye.

but when Melissa shared with me..   "I'll be leaving..  I accepted a position as..

-I didn't even hear the rest of what she had to say.

"NO!  No, no, no..  I absolutely forbid it! You may not leave" and I stamped my foot on the ground, but knew it was all for nothing.

Then of course she went on to repeat.. "a full time position as a music director"

-well of course that is exactly what she should be doing! And I know she will be an awesome blessing to everyone she serves.. 

"Congratulations!!" Melissa...  
I'm proud of and very happy for you!
And will be first in line for a future concert

Love & blessings!  Xoxox.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Proud & Happy (me!) -writeousmom

like I said..   one of the most important days of the year for paparazzi: the Oscars.
                                    for mama~razzi...    Jr Prom.    -brought me to tears to see my handsome son dressed all...   like this:        and with such a beautiful, gracious prom date...      oh~  happiness is...   happiness is...         plus:  reports of a very good time:  chocolate fountain with strawberries/marshmallows; nice indoor space, hockey table, basketball hoop, racing car simulator..          "Thank You!" Jesus..   amen.

Perpetual state of marvel for (me!) sandra, tvgp

so, I had my camera nearby, charged, ready.. because my son was coming by with his prom date.. 

and since it was so nearby and ready.. I couldn't resist:

and this rose!  the customer offered it to me..   "cut it off..

I was like, "oh my goodness.. I would never do such a thing.. I don't want it..   just a picture... but thank you.."

-she ignored me.

surprised me a minute or two later, and brought it back to me in a plastic vase with water..

it's on my mom's kitchen table write now.

"thank you!"   jeri..      entirely unnecessary; completely generous; much appreciated


alden lane has the best customers...

and really, I had no idea..   no idea, how many people grow their own vegetables!  how many people with a passion for gardening...

In Jesus name.. amen

The Heart Seen.. by (leonard stegmann!)

This rock was very beautiful. It’s even more heart-shaped than it looked, but there’s a little sand on it. If I come across it again I’ll brush it off! hahaha!


"Thank You!" squidmann....   got some cool markings, texture, contrast here

The Heart Seen... by (me!) sandra, tvgp

 ive been enjoying passing this heart shape for several days now on my way home from work, and finally had a chance to pull over and capture a picture of it.   -so sweet... the way the flowers clumped together to form a heart

and this heart was seen as I passed sue by, as she was watering the bonsais 

and yesterday was a particularly wonderful and blessed day...      as I mentioned; for us mama~razzi's.   pictures coming soon...    Thank You Jesus..  amen!

Saturday, April 22, 2017

"because i can!!" (me!) sandra, tvgp

analogy:   you can use your hand/arm.  -then you break your hand/arm..   and you cannot use it, until it heals.   this is much  -much- easier to see/understand, than spiritual/mental/emotional parallels


you can control your mind    -and then it breaks.   and you cannot control it again until it heals.


when you have PTSD it is equivalent to having a broken brain for a while.  So, during that time, even if I wanted to

I could not override certain thoughts.  I could not CHOOSE what I wanted to think about, and then think about it    -whatever muscle or neuron or synapse in the brain allows us to do that; it was OUT OF ORDER

but I can now!   and so I'm going to.    exactly "because I can!"   I can change the channels in my mind at will

oh what a very beautiful thing!   and so I'm CHOOSING not to think about past traumatic memories for a few days or so

and instead

     -YOU know one of the most important days of the year for paparazzi....    The Oscars.

and one of the most important days of the year for mama~razzi's:    Jr Prom's & Senior Balls!   What a great time,

what a blessing to have a handsome son, and a camera fully charged...  so excited!



you know, a flirt has always lived inside me.   always.   and while the flirt has always lived there, the cultures ive lived and worked in   -those climates have changed dramatically over the years

and, in some places, it is way too cold and hostile to go outside, if you know what I mean

mostly, she stays in doors

and  -these days! especially..     one false, light-hearted, move and  you're written up, or fired



here's what I didn't say to alex.    -because

well, alex, you know, he is the super hard working, ultra knowledgeable one at alden lane.  lots of responsibilities   -I say he does the job of least 3 people, but anyway..

every once in a while, I think..  God, i'd love to make him laugh or smile.    and so, yesterday

he was wearing this..  I don't know.. light teal colored shirt, over his alden lane t-shirt.  collar, long sleeve; looked nice.. and with his beard, which also looks nice.. anyway

I say..

and i'm confident I wouldn't get fired for this, because all I said was:   that shirt looks nice on you.

   -the end. 


and he said thanks..       

then, I don't know  -say an hour later or so,  when he passes back by, he has by this time, removed the teal long sleeve shirt, and only has on the alden lane t-shirt

I said,

oh, no.. Jesus  tame my tongue!  tame my tongue!     -because in the worst way, I wanted to say..   if I compliment that t-shirt will you take it off for me too...      how bout if I compliment those shoes..

I wanna see how this works...

In Jesus knows I'm innocent's name...   amen!

Thursday, April 20, 2017

all paths lead to hostess -sandra, tvgp

   so, near the railroad tracks on halcyon is where the lakeside rapist disappeared into the darkness.     -how many days prior had he done the exact same thing?   and at the same location?    -but, I was number 2.     some time prior, he had raped a different girl behind san leandro high school.   she would end up taking her own life in the aftermath.

what stands out memory wise   -is that, ultimately, I was also raped behind san leandro high school, and there was a female officer on the police force at the time.   she reported thinking about going and checking behind the high school    -the night I was in fact being held by gun point there

but ignored her instinct because she didn't think a predator would return to the same location with a different victim.     -and, we've all taken turns ignoring our instincts; I understand

and, also..   to my knowledge and memory, he did not return to that location with victims, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

but he did remain in the san leandro area.    and he did claim other victims from the parking lot of the lakeside apartments.   -hence the name.

my greatest stand out, a memory I can recall at will; but not re-experience, is how, after my face was covered and I was being raped

my spirit left my body.    so fascinating to me even now.   I did not rise above my physical body, and look down, as you hear people having surgeries have reported; a birds eye view of their bodies on surgical tables or in hospital beds

rather, it is so distinct to me that I hovered off and over to the left; just above the concrete

so, clearly! I was not in my body      -he raped a physical object;over there;  not (me!)

but for what amount of time did I hover over and off to the side?  and I have no recollection or memory or strong association/sensation of popping back in my physical body;

but at some point, I was in fact, back in the driver seat of the car; rapist to my side; gun in temple to keep my now, uncovered face, forward facing only; and my spirit/body were one again

and I was taking instructions on where to drive; where to turn..    

and having the gun shoved hard in the temple of my head repeatedly while he wondered out loud whether he was going to have to kill me or not

strong memory also, that in the distance, in parking lot at a strip mall-ish place we passed; sat a police car.

and I remember that..   how I was so close..    and only yards away and this police officer had no way of knowing we were driving by

and there were a number of occasions I thought about..   what if I just drove over there.. or honked the horn..

but ultimately; I just followed instructions; terrified/in shock

and it was the longest drive of my life, as you can imagine, but turn here; turn there, and I had that gun in my head from san leandro high school to the railroad tracks on halcyon.

and the feeling of the metal being shoved in my head for a good long time after that.



The Lord is my Rock, my Fortess, and my Deliverer; my God, my keen and firm Strength in Whom I trust and take refuge, my Shield, and the Horn of my Salvation, my High Tower.  I call upon the Lord, Who is to be praised; so shall I be saved from my enemies.    -Psalm 18:2-3

        -although, in my youth, I prayed for and during emergencies only; what felt like life/death circumstances    -I do not remember praying during this traumatic experience

I was literally too in shock; too threatened/terrified to think that clearly   -pure survival mode.

but I was in fact delivered from this enemy.

the upshot in the aftermath, is everything ive learned about PTSD.  and certainly as far as life journey's/experiences are concerned

the greatest one for me is to go from having such severe PTSD to knowing the peace I do today.

and no one can see it..  but a visible analogy would be

            if you witnessed someone who was physically paralyzed; walk, and run again..   -someone who could not feed or change themselves,

one day being able to return to independent life and take care of themselves..

   a miracle

this is equivalent to my life journey   -it has been of the spirit though; not my body

but the peace I know today; it does in fact, surpass human understanding    -and there are countless passages in the bible which, in different words, different ways, by different authors, say essentially this same thing:

Peace comes from Jesus.

so, "Thank You! Jesus!"             amen.


fruits of the spirit I manifest successfully; remain as priorities in my day to day life:

love. joy. peace. patience.
kindness. goodness. gentleness.
faithfulness. self-control.

these are INSIDE of us; spiritual seeds in the soil of the human body

with this as an analogy

it is spring! this season of my life.  when fruits of the spirit are in full bloom.    and I have the best case of spring fever

in love with life itself

hallelujah..      amen...

The Heart Seen.. by (leonard stegmann!)

I love finding these in my gmail!  "thank you!" squidmann     ~s.c.  xoxo


    This from a sign at Pigeon Point. Apparently both the Grey Whale and the Humpback Whale like to spout in the shape of a heart. Each with its own particular version, of course!

Dressed in Orange photo series by (me!) sandra, tvgp

Point A to Point B by (me!) sandra, tvgp

is this true in a factual way?  we shall see.   but it is my interpretation of my life; where my life is write now

like, I am quite literally going back and forth each week between two very wonderful, loving, safe and beautiful environments.    home to work; work to home

Point A

and I believe these two environments are exactly what will allow me to revisit hard memories without sinking.  like I was positioned here and there intentionally.  it literally feels like my responsibility:   two things

1.  feels like I am responsible for remembering/sharing events/experiences related to being #2 victim of Lakeside Rapist

2.  feels like a personal responsibility to make sure, San Leandro, the city itself, is recognized for all that is wonderful here...   and not polluted; ruined by the evil of this one predator  -from so long ago

and, it feels like

but it is certainly nothing I can prove; but it feels like, there is something wonderful waiting on the other side

once these responsibilities are fulfilled/met.    is this my imagination; hope..?  wishful thinking?

   -only one way to find out; write.


so many things; ive already written about, captured here or there in posts over the past 10 years.  no need to re-write

but..   I feel compelled to speak..  /writing is how I speak..

speak about the train tracks on halcyon.     this is where, after the predator shoved a gun in the temple of my forehead for..

   /and have I reported?  I can no longer feel the pressure of the gun when I think, or write or mention it.. but I did for years after..   as if it was there again.. 

anyway, after shoving the gun in my head with so much anger..   debating out loud whether I should live or die

   -as i'm driving, looking forward, with the gun to my head, and he is in the passenger seat directing me where to drive

I end up on halcyon and at some point he tells me to pull over.   some point being at the railroad tracks.   I am certain this is the last few seconds of my life, and he's going to pull me out and shoot me

but instead, he threatens with knowing where I live, he flips the rearview mirror up and takes off into the darkness

            I think, ive written about it before..  how..   he had all these ways of making sure I couldn't see him/identify him.   from coming up from behind..   keeping my head forward by keeping a gun in the side, covering my face..   uncovering to drive, but keeping the gun in the temple of my head and flipping the rear view mirror up.   looking back, I can know,  -this was certainly not a first act of crime; he was very practiced

and when I cry,  and I do still, all these years later, cry..  it is not for my own pain; it is because I know as I write this; this crime continues all over the world; so I ache for all rape victims/survivors

and I sure do pray for a cure to this evil.  an understanding of cause; and a cure..

in any case;  fresh still, even to this day, 17 then, 51 now

I remember being paralyzed    -that is the best word.    he flips the rearview mirror up  -takes off, and now I am alone in the car and

I knew I needed to drive off   -but I couldn't move at first.    and on instinct, anytime you take off in a car you kind of glance in your rearview mirror; and when I went to do the instinctive glance, and of course its flipped up, so I can't see

I also could not take my hands off the steering wheel to move it.   my hands would not move.  I could not touch that rearview mirror.  I was frozen.

and I remember; fresh, even all these years later; how my mind raced for where to go..   and I visualized going to the Lakeside Apartments,   -back where I was headed when I got ambushed in the first place

but "i cant get out of the car."     it was another form of paralysis..    the way my mind functioned in this state of shock

    -if you could get inside and read what it was communicating to me

it was very, very, specifically saying:  if you get out of the car and try to walk anywhere; the same thing will happen again

           -not maybe it could

it most definitely would.     -I like being able to look back..

rationally, you can know..   he took off into the darkness; long gone..      in reality; there was next to zero chance/probability of encountering the same or another predator

but, I was in shock and panic and kept knowing   -knowing!-   even if I can get to the parking lot..   I can't get out of the car..  I cant walk alone..  it was if he was still there; waiting everywhere at once

I cant get out

I cant get out

I cant get out

I could not touch the rearview mirror.  I could not get out of the car.   -could not even walk two feet away from the vehicle alone or the same thing would happen again..

that was locked in and I was paralyzed

my mind raced..   where can I go?  what can I do?   I cant get out of the car was a repetitive fact, and it flashed in my mind

how, at my mom's house at the time, in Hayward

there was gravel that lead all the way to the front door.    there was not just a driveway..

I would not have to park near the street and walk   -any distance-   to a door

I could pull all the way up to the front door itself

that is exactly what I needed.   my only hope.   I was physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually..   

without this ability to be able to open the car door, and go directly into a safe place

I would have been driving around in circles until the gas ran out, and then paralyzed.

so I headed

-at full speed, without ever touching the rearview mirror;   -to my mom's

I pulled the car as close to the front door as possible; ran like the predator was on my heels in that very moment to the door and started pounding

my memories get vague after that...  my brother says he opened the door, and I just pushed him away, screaming



Point B


The Lord has declared that He will restore me to health and heal my wounds.  Jeremiah 30:17

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Images are to memory.. by (me!) sandra, tvgp

images are to memory; as reading is to mind.

that is to say,

once you learn how to read..   you can't not read a word presented to you


/see what I mean.

and with pictures/images/objects...    once a memory is associated with a given image/object/picture

you can't see that given image/object/picture without remembering..

you can't unread words any more than you can unconnect memory to image.

file this under:  things to keep in mind.


on another note:    sure wish I could open and close my ears with the same ease and speed that I can open and close my eyes.

file this under:  if ears could blink, like eyes can wink

/and I feel a poem coming on that I don't have time to write...

In Jesus precious name,   amen!

Paradiso in San Leandro w/exceptional service, food & drinks (francisco & nathaniel)

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

The Heart Seen.. by (me!) in the Starry Night Petunia's at Alden Lane

aren't these spectacular!  and if you search images of starry night petunia's on the web:
lots of hearts to be seen...

when the night sky is in full bloom

The Heart Seen by (me!) sandra, tvgp

on my way inside lucky's grocery store.   up close, looks like a tar blob..  but from a certain distance..  like a big heart bursting out of a small gift box.    xoxo