Thursday, April 20, 2017

Point A to Point B by (me!) sandra, tvgp

is this true in a factual way?  we shall see.   but it is my interpretation of my life; where my life is write now

like, I am quite literally going back and forth each week between two very wonderful, loving, safe and beautiful environments.    home to work; work to home

Point A

and I believe these two environments are exactly what will allow me to revisit hard memories without sinking.  like I was positioned here and there intentionally.  it literally feels like my responsibility:   two things

1.  feels like I am responsible for remembering/sharing events/experiences related to being #2 victim of Lakeside Rapist

2.  feels like a personal responsibility to make sure, San Leandro, the city itself, is recognized for all that is wonderful here...   and not polluted; ruined by the evil of this one predator  -from so long ago

and, it feels like

but it is certainly nothing I can prove; but it feels like, there is something wonderful waiting on the other side

once these responsibilities are fulfilled/met.    is this my imagination; hope..?  wishful thinking?

   -only one way to find out; write.


so many things; ive already written about, captured here or there in posts over the past 10 years.  no need to re-write

but..   I feel compelled to speak..  /writing is how I speak..

speak about the train tracks on halcyon.     this is where, after the predator shoved a gun in the temple of my forehead for..

   /and have I reported?  I can no longer feel the pressure of the gun when I think, or write or mention it.. but I did for years after..   as if it was there again.. 

anyway, after shoving the gun in my head with so much anger..   debating out loud whether I should live or die

   -as i'm driving, looking forward, with the gun to my head, and he is in the passenger seat directing me where to drive

I end up on halcyon and at some point he tells me to pull over.   some point being at the railroad tracks.   I am certain this is the last few seconds of my life, and he's going to pull me out and shoot me

but instead, he threatens with knowing where I live, he flips the rearview mirror up and takes off into the darkness

            I think, ive written about it before..  how..   he had all these ways of making sure I couldn't see him/identify him.   from coming up from behind..   keeping my head forward by keeping a gun in the side, covering my face..   uncovering to drive, but keeping the gun in the temple of my head and flipping the rear view mirror up.   looking back, I can know,  -this was certainly not a first act of crime; he was very practiced

and when I cry,  and I do still, all these years later, cry..  it is not for my own pain; it is because I know as I write this; this crime continues all over the world; so I ache for all rape victims/survivors

and I sure do pray for a cure to this evil.  an understanding of cause; and a cure..

in any case;  fresh still, even to this day, 17 then, 51 now

I remember being paralyzed    -that is the best word.    he flips the rearview mirror up  -takes off, and now I am alone in the car and

I knew I needed to drive off   -but I couldn't move at first.    and on instinct, anytime you take off in a car you kind of glance in your rearview mirror; and when I went to do the instinctive glance, and of course its flipped up, so I can't see

I also could not take my hands off the steering wheel to move it.   my hands would not move.  I could not touch that rearview mirror.  I was frozen.

and I remember; fresh, even all these years later; how my mind raced for where to go..   and I visualized going to the Lakeside Apartments,   -back where I was headed when I got ambushed in the first place

but "i cant get out of the car."     it was another form of paralysis..    the way my mind functioned in this state of shock

    -if you could get inside and read what it was communicating to me

it was very, very, specifically saying:  if you get out of the car and try to walk anywhere; the same thing will happen again

           -not maybe it could

it most definitely would.     -I like being able to look back..

rationally, you can know..   he took off into the darkness; long gone..      in reality; there was next to zero chance/probability of encountering the same or another predator

but, I was in shock and panic and kept knowing   -knowing!-   even if I can get to the parking lot..   I can't get out of the car..  I cant walk alone..  it was if he was still there; waiting everywhere at once

I cant get out

I cant get out

I cant get out

I could not touch the rearview mirror.  I could not get out of the car.   -could not even walk two feet away from the vehicle alone or the same thing would happen again..

that was locked in and I was paralyzed

my mind raced..   where can I go?  what can I do?   I cant get out of the car was a repetitive fact, and it flashed in my mind

how, at my mom's house at the time, in Hayward

there was gravel that lead all the way to the front door.    there was not just a driveway..

I would not have to park near the street and walk   -any distance-   to a door

I could pull all the way up to the front door itself

that is exactly what I needed.   my only hope.   I was physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually..   

without this ability to be able to open the car door, and go directly into a safe place

I would have been driving around in circles until the gas ran out, and then paralyzed.

so I headed

-at full speed, without ever touching the rearview mirror;   -to my mom's

I pulled the car as close to the front door as possible; ran like the predator was on my heels in that very moment to the door and started pounding

my memories get vague after that...  my brother says he opened the door, and I just pushed him away, screaming



Point B


The Lord has declared that He will restore me to health and heal my wounds.  Jeremiah 30:17


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