Thursday, April 20, 2017

all paths lead to hostess -sandra, tvgp

   so, near the railroad tracks on halcyon is where the lakeside rapist disappeared into the darkness.     -how many days prior had he done the exact same thing?   and at the same location?    -but, I was number 2.     some time prior, he had raped a different girl behind san leandro high school.   she would end up taking her own life in the aftermath.

what stands out memory wise   -is that, ultimately, I was also raped behind san leandro high school, and there was a female officer on the police force at the time.   she reported thinking about going and checking behind the high school    -the night I was in fact being held by gun point there

but ignored her instinct because she didn't think a predator would return to the same location with a different victim.     -and, we've all taken turns ignoring our instincts; I understand

and, also..   to my knowledge and memory, he did not return to that location with victims, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

but he did remain in the san leandro area.    and he did claim other victims from the parking lot of the lakeside apartments.   -hence the name.

my greatest stand out, a memory I can recall at will; but not re-experience, is how, after my face was covered and I was being raped

my spirit left my body.    so fascinating to me even now.   I did not rise above my physical body, and look down, as you hear people having surgeries have reported; a birds eye view of their bodies on surgical tables or in hospital beds

rather, it is so distinct to me that I hovered off and over to the left; just above the concrete

so, clearly! I was not in my body      -he raped a physical object;over there;  not (me!)

but for what amount of time did I hover over and off to the side?  and I have no recollection or memory or strong association/sensation of popping back in my physical body;

but at some point, I was in fact, back in the driver seat of the car; rapist to my side; gun in temple to keep my now, uncovered face, forward facing only; and my spirit/body were one again

and I was taking instructions on where to drive; where to turn..    

and having the gun shoved hard in the temple of my head repeatedly while he wondered out loud whether he was going to have to kill me or not

strong memory also, that in the distance, in parking lot at a strip mall-ish place we passed; sat a police car.

and I remember that..   how I was so close..    and only yards away and this police officer had no way of knowing we were driving by

and there were a number of occasions I thought about..   what if I just drove over there.. or honked the horn..

but ultimately; I just followed instructions; terrified/in shock

and it was the longest drive of my life, as you can imagine, but turn here; turn there, and I had that gun in my head from san leandro high school to the railroad tracks on halcyon.

and the feeling of the metal being shoved in my head for a good long time after that.



The Lord is my Rock, my Fortess, and my Deliverer; my God, my keen and firm Strength in Whom I trust and take refuge, my Shield, and the Horn of my Salvation, my High Tower.  I call upon the Lord, Who is to be praised; so shall I be saved from my enemies.    -Psalm 18:2-3

        -although, in my youth, I prayed for and during emergencies only; what felt like life/death circumstances    -I do not remember praying during this traumatic experience

I was literally too in shock; too threatened/terrified to think that clearly   -pure survival mode.

but I was in fact delivered from this enemy.

the upshot in the aftermath, is everything ive learned about PTSD.  and certainly as far as life journey's/experiences are concerned

the greatest one for me is to go from having such severe PTSD to knowing the peace I do today.

and no one can see it..  but a visible analogy would be

            if you witnessed someone who was physically paralyzed; walk, and run again..   -someone who could not feed or change themselves,

one day being able to return to independent life and take care of themselves..

   a miracle

this is equivalent to my life journey   -it has been of the spirit though; not my body

but the peace I know today; it does in fact, surpass human understanding    -and there are countless passages in the bible which, in different words, different ways, by different authors, say essentially this same thing:

Peace comes from Jesus.

so, "Thank You! Jesus!"             amen.


fruits of the spirit I manifest successfully; remain as priorities in my day to day life:

love. joy. peace. patience.
kindness. goodness. gentleness.
faithfulness. self-control.

these are INSIDE of us; spiritual seeds in the soil of the human body

with this as an analogy

it is spring! this season of my life.  when fruits of the spirit are in full bloom.    and I have the best case of spring fever

in love with life itself

hallelujah..      amen...


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