SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

LSR picking up where i left off.. (me!) sandra, tvgp

LSR = Lakeside Serial Rapist

***

the next place..   I mean no memory for me whatsoever, from the time I ran like the predator was still on my heels, from the car to the front door of my mom's house.   -nothing.  

the next thing I do remember, is being at the townhome I lived in at the time, in San Leandro, with my dad, and two police officer/investigators visiting me there.

collecting information

now, I had only seen his face for 1 second at best.  I was walking toward Mark's apartment from the parking lot, heard foot steps behind me, thought it was Mark, and that he was just trying to surprise me, and so turned around to surprise him first,

only when I turned around

not Mark.


A black man in a hooded sweatshirt who put a gun immediately to my head and told me to turn around


***

the rest ive written, and so will skip to

**

when the police officers gathered information..   what did he look like.. what did I see/remember

and important to note here, it was 1983 or 1984..

at some point they pulled out a piece of paper from their briefcase which was of a black man in a hooded sweatshirt


and if you want clear evidence of PTSD

when I saw the  -picture!    on paper!    -clearly harmless; a picture/a paper..

my entire being reacted as if it were the predator come to life..

terrified, all over again.

***

eric kandel has done some great work..   

***

my layperson analogy, is touch screens on computers..

there is a sensitivity spectrum:    how much pressure to get this link to click

on one credit card machine Ive worked on, you had to press, CREDIT, with all kinds of pressure, three or four times before the darn thing would click to the next screen

and on another,

you barely place your finger over the word, and don't even have to actually make contact, and the next screen appears..


trauma comes along, and resets the sensitivity settings in your mind   -sensitization

and, imagine if you will, a perpetual state of hypersensitivity to every black male, to every hooded sweatshirt; to every sound, to every parking lot;

non-stop.  no breaks..

and then news of another victim...

and another..

but please pause to add this on top of, two prior kidnapping/rapes, and the bank I was in when it was robbed, with a gun held to my head during that traumatic event also..

and here are a few things I think contributed to the severity/longevity of my PTSD


 -the term/condition was not even part of our vocabulary in 1980's the way it is today.

- I went undiagnosed/untreated

-taboo/stigmas attached to rape as a trauma vs. natural disasters, or war or socially acceptable traumas

-my own inability to communicate what I was experiencing

-shame of my behavior(s)

-not knowing/being able to communicate with the other LSR victims

- group counseling  -disaster! as now, each person's story adds another area/predator I need to fear

                   as a matter of fact, I would pause here to say; to recommend

NEVER place a rape victim with PTSD in a group counseling session, probably one of the most counter-productive to healing things you can do     /**caveat below

The healing thing..  would be to place the victim/survivor with a group of healthy people who have never had such an encounter, and just offer unconditional support/love.  you want to remind and give exposure to the fact that there are safe...    there is safe..

** the caveat..

one of the most healing things   -not a group of rape victim/survivors from a variety of predators..

   -you will never leave your house again.


but I still use analogy, and believe, it would be healing/beneficial for those of us, who survived the same predator, to meet/talk with each other

the only other ones who truly know each others suffering/experience

and the analogy that there is a bond, like military people, who serve in the same branch, serve in the same war, and survive the same ambush..

there is a healing thing that takes place, without words even..

just to know; to be in the same room..

just hang out.   you don't have to retell; re-live..

you already know, and move forward from there...

***

so, PTSD..

perpetual/chronic/non-stop hypervigilance; exhausting.   with no ability to change the channel in your mind

no ability to not react..

and such states of physical paralysis, even though all the parts of my physical body worked fine.  no broken bones, or sprains, or strains..

but long nights, where one sound would paralyze me..   I could not move.   frozen.     any effort to talk myself into moving

    -just move your finger..  just lift your hand..    your hand is not broken..  move it!

 -nothing.


frozen.   frozen in position until i'd fall asleep from exhaustion.   repeat; repeat; repeat.

evening/night awful..   dark lighting..

awful

  -but the break of day...    light!

I could function.     


   -have you heard that term..     functioning alcoholic.

it means, an alcoholic, but someone who can still hold down a job..   

that's what I was like,

a functioning PTSD person..

and, I will close with this analogy regarding addiction

I know about addictions from my years as a smoker, and my couple years with prescription drugs

and I have been delivered   -fully!  -completely!   from both,

but it gives me access, and ability to make this analogy


                    -as I am here, revisiting areas where traumatic events took place many years ago

ive learned this


images/pictures, over time, places..       I can go past, visit, look at, see, etc.

and my emotions are entirely neutral; indifferent.   I have the memories; there is no stopping the remembering part

but it does not bring back any associated fears/emotions


                 -as a PTSD survivor         /which is this whole other beast you have to survive after surviving violence/rape/kidnapping

as a survivor

it is not places/pictures that put me at any risk of going backwards in my healing

it is the emotion..   the emotion of fear itself..

that is what can threaten my progress

so, if I experience fear,  for any reason..    

it is like,  if a recovered alcoholic has just that one drink...

like, if a recovered drug addict has just that one drug...

if a recovered smoker, has just that one cigarette...


  you are always at risk of the one small thing, sending you back into a downward spiral

so I have learned to really manage..

I do not, for example, volunteer to watch scary movies..   even though, it's just a movie..

I don't volunteer for anything that makes me scared..

and when I do experience fear, and feel that sensation coming on,

from a loud bang here, a near accident there, a suspicious person over there..

I talk to God immediately!  meditate..    start exercising that muscle/neuron,

whatever it is in our mind that allows us to recognize our thoughts/state of mind

and change it!

and,

once again,

I'm going to do that write now..      "because I can!"

In Jesus miracle working name...   amen!

posted by SHE @ 10:56 AM