Friday, February 12, 2010

I SAID "NO" -(me!) sandra, tvgp

-k-

so i'm watchin' sandra bullock being interviewed on charlie rose -and she is amazing in every way. and i love both of her recent films -blind side, and the proposal one

but skipping to the point here, which is that sandra bullock -like many, many, successful/famous actors interviewed by charlie rose over the years

well they all say the same thing: essentially -they embrace the feeling of fear/near paralysis when accepting a role, and all view being scared as a sign they should continue

in fact, they are not interested in accepting a part UNLESS they experience fear.

well,

as those who know and love me know... i have tried.

tried and tried and tried again.

conquer that fear! that anxiety! you can do it! embrace the fear! use it to your advantage!

blah, blah, blah

and i really have tried everything... meditation; self-hypnotism; a glass of wine (bottle); rewarding myself after performances with a sexy devil chocolatini; prayer...

but this most recent time i was invited by kathy cordova to guest appear on in a word again to discuss elizabeth gilbert's new book, committed

well, for the first time, i said "no."


it's the only thing i haven't tried before -to just accept that being on camera/tv set is not for me.

oh! i felt bad.

i love kathy and jim. i'm a fan of their show. i'm grateful to both of them for providing the opportunities they have provided for me in the past

but i'm here to testify, that when i said, "no." -such a feeling of relief traveled through me, i knew it was the write decision for me

and i ran upstairs, to the cross, and i prayed -in a way asking for forgiveness, and do you know what i heard back?

"you do not have to perform"

-now, if you want to argue that i - i - heard what i needed/wanted to hear, and - i - not God, generated the message

well i won't argue with you

but, i heard it -received it- loud and clear and much to my relief.

but i'm still left to battle some with feeling like a failure -and that put me on the hunt for some good reason, that the fear is winning, instead of me

so here is my thought:

when you look and listen to someone like sandra bullock, and any successful fear-embracing actor peer

well, they've been,

or rather, their brain has locked in this association:

embracing fear = success, paycheck, accolades, applause. -and this association has probably been repeated through repeated experiences -and even if they've appeared in a movie that was not a block-buster/commerical success -perhaps there is some other positive association, or enough successes, that ultimately we still end up with embracing fear = $, applause, new/greater opportunties, etc.

but for me,

and people who live with, or have survived post traumatic stress disorder

what is locked in our brains, our memories re: fear is not $, success, applause, accolades, new/greater opportunities

when fear is triggered -maybe it triggers the very worse associations

maybe, biologically speaking, our brains do not do a good job of distinguishing between the good, out-of-your- com fort-zone fear, and the potential death fear.

also,

let's look at my experiences of appearing on tv, and the results

always -ALWAYS- the amount of anxiety i experience preparing far out-weighs justification for my appearances

but i appeared on NBC, CBS, PBS -and a slew of newshows demonstrating my mag time frames

result: bankruptsy.

i've appeared on local tv -5 times?

but has this resulted in any.... career boost. financial gain. new/greater opportunties.

answer: no.


my experience to date has been: high anxiety. overkill preparation. 2-5 minutes of torture. followed by a whole lotta nothin'


now... all is not lost.

i have stretched, and while the result was not that i then stretched even further

rather, my experience is that,

well, let's say point A = comfort zone. and point Z = sandra bullock

i have not remained at point A. or gone backwards...

rather, i traveled to say, point L, and landed now back at around point H.

which stands for, HAPPY.

i'm very Happy here.

-that's my story and i'm stickin' to it.

9 Comments:

At 2:08 PM, Blogger Jim Ott said...

It's always better to say no when stress levels reach such heights.

Saying "yes" when one truly and for good reasons wants to say "no" is not healthy.

I'm proud of you for declining!

 
At 2:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sandra,

I have always admire and enjoyed Sandra Bullock movies she is one of my favorites actresses. And from what I can tell I think you do have the same qualities. You are a brave woman and I have the utmost respect for you. I am so glad that we have met and can call you a friend.

MM

 
At 11:14 AM, Blogger Kathy Cordova said...

I totally get why you don't want to do the show.

Also, I'm grateful for the times that you did it in spite of the fear, anxiety, overpreparation.

Also, just so you and everyone know--the times you did do the show you were amazing--beautiful, thoughtful, articulate. Thanks!

And I still want to talk to you about that book. Maybe over one of those chocolate martinis!

xo,
Kathy

 
At 12:05 PM, Blogger SHE said...

ren man/miracle mom: thank you both for your forgiveness, understanding

it's taken me a while to admit and surrender to this truth:

i'm more of a behind-the-scenes person. playwright, not actor.

thank you for the opportunties you have provided -i love you, and your show!

and big yes! to book talks over sexy devil chocolatinis! -that i'm pretty good at ")

 
At 12:08 PM, Blogger SHE said...

mr motown: thank you so much! i'm so glad to call you friend too

can't wait to hit the dance floor tonight. we'll be there early

and rumor has it, it's mardi gras night?

 
At 10:41 AM, Blogger Katherine said...

My friend, I used to think overcoming fear at all costs was the mark of courage and that if I refused to do anything other than experience intense fear (i.e. taking anxiety meds when the PTSD struck or leaving situations that scared the guts out of me), I was being a coward.

Not so.

I was, instead, putting myself through hell for no logical reason.

Good for you for recognizing your limits and what you will put yourself through.

That said, someday your air time WILL pay off. I firmly believe that.

 
At 4:19 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

Live an living is like the pendulum of a grandfather clock. The pendulum in order to keep perfect time must not swing outside its normal travel, otherwise it looses time or stops.
And so it is with our own personalities, it has to be at home with what we do.

 
At 10:58 AM, Blogger SHE said...

kmg/bbf: thank you! -this is my lesson also

that sometimes we exercise & demonstrate personal courage by saying no, not yes.

it takes courage to be kind to ourselves.

 
At 11:01 AM, Blogger SHE said...

hg: i LOVE that analogy! -the visual of swinging in opposite directions, but not out of control

within a pre-determined spectrum.

i see also, a rubberband

which can stretch, yes...

but not too far or; snap!

 

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