I SAID "NO" -(me!) sandra, tvgp-k-
so i'm watchin' sandra bullock being interviewed on charlie rose -and she is amazing in every way. and i love both of her recent films -blind side, and the proposal one
but skipping to the point here, which is that sandra bullock -like many, many, successful/famous actors interviewed by charlie rose over the years
well they all say the same thing: essentially -they embrace the feeling of fear/near paralysis when accepting a role, and all view being scared as a sign they should continue
in fact, they are not interested in accepting a part UNLESS they experience fear.
as those who know and love me know... i have tried.
tried and tried and tried again.
conquer that fear! that anxiety! you can do it! embrace the fear! use it to your advantage!
blah, blah, blah
and i really have tried everything... meditation; self-hypnotism; a glass of wine (bottle); rewarding myself after performances with a sexy devil chocolatini; prayer...
but this most recent time i was invited by kathy cordova to guest appear on in a word again to discuss elizabeth gilbert's new book, committed
well, for the first time, i said "no."
it's the only thing i haven't tried before -to just accept that being on camera/tv set is not for me.
oh! i felt bad.
i love kathy and jim. i'm a fan of their show. i'm grateful to both of them for providing the opportunities they have provided for me in the past
but i'm here to testify, that when i said, "no." -such a feeling of relief traveled through me, i knew it was the write decision for me
and i ran upstairs, to the cross, and i prayed -in a way asking for forgiveness, and do you know what i heard back?
"you do not have to perform"
-now, if you want to argue that i - i - heard what i needed/wanted to hear, and - i - not God, generated the message
well i won't argue with you
but, i heard it -received it- loud and clear and much to my relief.
but i'm still left to battle some with feeling like a failure -and that put me on the hunt for some good reason, that the fear is winning, instead of me
so here is my thought:
when you look and listen to someone like sandra bullock, and any successful fear-embracing actor peer
well, they've been,
or rather, their brain has locked in this association:
embracing fear = success, paycheck, accolades, applause. -and this association has probably been repeated through repeated experiences -and even if they've appeared in a movie that was not a block-buster/commerical success -perhaps there is some other positive association, or enough successes, that ultimately we still end up with embracing fear = $, applause, new/greater opportunties, etc.
but for me,
and people who live with, or have survived post traumatic stress disorder
what is locked in our brains, our memories re: fear is not $, success, applause, accolades, new/greater opportunities
when fear is triggered -maybe it triggers the very worse associations
maybe, biologically speaking, our brains do not do a good job of distinguishing between the good, out-of-your- com fort-zone fear, and the potential death fear.
let's look at my experiences of appearing on tv, and the results
always -ALWAYS- the amount of anxiety i experience preparing far out-weighs justification for my appearances
but i appeared on NBC, CBS, PBS -and a slew of newshows demonstrating my mag time frames
i've appeared on local tv -5 times?
but has this resulted in any.... career boost. financial gain. new/greater opportunties.
my experience to date has been: high anxiety. overkill preparation. 2-5 minutes of torture. followed by a whole lotta nothin'
now... all is not lost.
i have stretched, and while the result was not that i then stretched even further
rather, my experience is that,
well, let's say point A = comfort zone. and point Z = sandra bullock
i have not remained at point A. or gone backwards...
rather, i traveled to say, point L, and landed now back at around point H.
which stands for, HAPPY.
i'm very Happy here.