SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

later today i'll be at the tv30 studio to talk w/gail johnston, kathy cordova, jim ott about gail's book, the social cause diet. i never received any list of questions in advance.. so i'm without an opportunity that has helped me tremendously in the past.. to think my thoughts/answers out in advance on paper. i did what i could on my own.. imagining/thinking common questions that might be asked; rereading my review of the book on amazon.

but found it very frustrating. i've too much to say.. each topic can potentially spin off on another topic.. and i'm at risk of getting off topic. like, way off topic. the topic, "volunteer" can spin in several directions.. speaking about the tri valley haven can spin in many different directions.. there are 45 different narratives in the book...

it is deciding where to put my attention/words that matches with the purpose: to discuss THIS BOOK

finally just threw the paper/pen across the room. stupid anxiety. wrote instead,

honest, tender, light, happy, free. trying to instruct myself more on how to feel vs. on what to say. i've no idea what will happen...

and go back to "why?" -is it worth the anxiety? why do i say yes? volunteer for it even...

and i've recently come to this idea: that i was born with the spirit of a performer, an artist, a leader

and when i look back; remember.. remember my youth, i see that.. talent shows, dancing, choreography, student council, speeches..

it was innate in me to pursue and do these things. -but along the way..

my spirit was quite traumatized.. abusive environments/relationships, kidnappings/rapes, bank robbery, post trauma syndrome

the anxiety, i've decided, is what happens as the spirit tries to reclaim its life and purpose

it is easier to look at this with a physical example: when a person takes a terrible fall skiing maybe.. and is nearly paralyzed

and in order to regain strength.. the physical therapy involved will be painful, trying,

will include big set-backs, small successes;

and if you see someone during their physical therapy.. and you look at their facial expressions.. the sweat, the effort, the desire, the pain

-the pain. i don't think many of us bother to ask why? or is it worth it? of course it is. -the desired result is so easy for us all to understand and root for.. of course you want to walk again; of course it's worth it.

and i've had such a hard time understanding, explaining to myself or others, why i say yes/volunteer for things that cause me such anxiety (mental masochism?)

but i think this thought helps me come up with something that makes more sense

it's the human spirit fighting to recover; trying to walk again

it's like spiritual therapy vs. physical therapy

and either way, there's pain involved.