Monday, October 13, 2008


overload: can't sleep. -will return to write about, and i have no idea in what order:

centerpointe church/monday night groups, john piper's book, and how i will always have one foot in, one foot out of the christian experience. obviously, i keep returning every sunday, so i am benefiting/growing/learning, -and, i've joined a group on monday's to learn more, but ... yikes! the things i read make my skin crawl.. so far from what i've come to know/understand believe about God. -will repost passages here/comments with more details later. will continue to attend the group/workshop, don't waste your life, for the value of the relationships being formed with others, more than for the book.. except that it ignites in me a desire to share my very different point of view/my questions, issues..

and speaking of different points of view: the science channel.. this usurping all other topics.. the recent show re: time, and the upcoming show re: memory. -specifically, taking a pill to remove memories/avoid post traumatic stress disorder. this is unfortunately an area of expertise for me.. as a victim of, so will be watching with great interest/curiosity. but in the meantime, while i wait for this show to air next sunday, sends me back on a thought journey -an exhausting thought journey- about what that would be like -to remove, to selectively remove, memories. and this one question leads in so many different directions..

back to the show on time.. what do you mean we can't see time/touch time/taste time..?.. of course we can.. -and then watched their experiment with a man in a removed/cave environment, with no watch, no access to the natural light/darkness of day & night, to learn more about our body clocks.. what natural/innate stop-watches ... and they gave a name/label/location for that part of our brains -where the clock is- but what i found irritating is that they didn't also experiment w/a female.. and how, -obvious- we have innate body clocks, and how quickly the female menstrual cycle provides an example

and then to watch the (dropping out name of fish that appear within a 2 hour window on the shore of a given beach to mate) -and how, as the host explained -without clocks, or gps units, or maps, etc., these fish show up here and know what they need to do.. how they, without thinking about it.. show up on the shore, in this tiny window of precise time

and this sends me on an entirely different thought journey, about how much life is pre-programmed/instinctual vs. not

and that's enough writing for three months, without even touching the joys/experiences i've had over the week/weekend which include, but are not limited to: debra knox's band rocking the house at the pine st. bar & grill in livermore * plus the awesome video * plus the adventures of my taxi rides... how delicious the appetizers, how wonderful the company at amelia's friday night as a customer... how awesome the experience as an employee at the p.p.i.e. fundraiser, which is deserving of a post all its own.. and must mention here how amelia's won the people's choice award! -my head is spinning from the stories.. the people/the connections/the conversations/the food, the wine...

and my head is spinning w/stories from the taxi rides.. it's very layered; much to say..

and then church, and then our visit/adventures at the local pumpkin patch

and then, grateful to be appearing on in a word again with kathy cordova/jim ott.. this time, with gail johnston to talk about the social cause diet.. and i'm so pleased with this book; proud of what it offers.. grateful to have my story included/to be published. -know it is a privilege and important to talk about it etc,, etcs, but, this kind of opportunity is never anxiety free for me.. so in the background, below, above, to the sides of all other thoughts/responsibilities, the stir begins, about what i will want to say.. what i might be asked.. how i should answer.. and many exercises to calm/comfort myself: re-reading, writing, repeat, repeat, repeat -and i've noticed everytime i let my brain hang out on this topic, the word comes to me; tender. to treat this topic tenderly. gently.

and also in the background, below, above, to the sides of those thoughts, there is also, reflections art, the fundraiser/block party/in livermore for the tri valley haven, for which i will prepare again for make n' take mag time frames.. auditions for the vagina monologues.. (can't wait to see my sisters/and the goddess of everything..) -and then, working out work schedules, with school schedules, kids activities schedules

and lastly.. and i hope i can get back to sleep -how, in all of this, (and especially w/recent taxi rides) i do realize i'm healthier/stronger this october than last october; that progress is still being made. -how it happens with a gradual-ness similar to how our children grow

when we're not lookin.


At 6:46 AM, Blogger karma lennon said...

The part here about erasing memories-have you seen "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"? One of my favorite movies, all about erasing memories of past loves.

At 5:37 PM, Blogger she said...

karma: yes.. i liked that movie.. great for inspiring thoughts/discussions re: the value of memories in general for good or bad

as is knowing anyone with, or reading about alzheimers, or other memory-related illnesses

and i hope to write more later about my theory/idea that memories are stored -not just in the brain- but in various body cells/skin cells..

so that, to not remember/recall cerebrally, does not necessarily mean the experience is lost/forgotten by the mind/body/soul

and this leads me to a current concern

that with all the new, exciting fmri machines which allow a closer look at the brain and how it functions

that through this micro-magnified lens, there is a tendency to temporarily forget that the brain is connected to a whole body/soul/human being -does not operate/function all by itself, only as part of a whole system, that is in fact, connected to whole other systems: families, communities, on and on..

but with each new tool for closer looks -a closer look too, and deeper appreciation for how things function organically

i remain constantly amazed

and i pray here, that you live a good, long life, because one of things i love most about making it this far is to experience/know/learn about how memories -and the strong, intense feelings they evoke, change/evolve over time

this also keeps me constantly amazed

"to living, learning, remembering when.." love, ~s.


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