SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

He Has A Name. By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

Im gonna have to skip, jump, twirl and just cut to the chase here. Anyone who saw "Kissin' The Chocolate Blues" is already caught up, -here we go:

Rick Cahall.. Who i still do not have a term of endearment for..  He is, as ive already mentioned, -retired San Leandro Police Officer..

And.. This naturally leads to: 1. Conversations which include (but "thank you Jesus!" Are not limited to) the topic of the Lakeside Rapist

He is also in contact with.. Detectives/officers that served on that case..    Skip/jump/twirl:  he mentions 'they have a name'

Stir spoon in opposite direction

And, 'he was locked up -is serving a life sentence'

(I will return later to discuss those two words: life. Sentence.)

But i am about to BULLET POINT..  Oh! My God everything has thirty three possible meanings..!  Anyway

*  'wow..  He has a name.  Of course he has a name; an actual name.  His birth certificate.. It doesnt read first name: Lakeside. Middle Name: serial. Last name: rapist.   ... Utterly fascinating..  I wonder, wonder, wonder,

What IS his name?  ..very, highly, curious.  -with a gigantic caveat!

There is a galaxy size gap that exists between:

"This is the man we THINK it is..

Vs.

" this is the man we believe it is...

Vs.

"This is the man who evidence points to..

Vs.

" this IS the man."

I only, exclusively am interested in the actual man it was; is;  -if there is even .002% percent chance of error

And based on my life experience to date, i know there is unfortunately a very high potential for error

But unless 100% certainty; i have no interest.  I just like being splashed in the face with that idea; that fact:

   -he has a NAME.  And for reasons i certainly am unqualified to explain: i like tossing around possibilities for what his name might be..    And for reasons way beyond my comprehension; and with apologies to any good human being with this name..  -the very first name that came to mind was..

Alfred.

Like, doesnt that just switch a flip in your brain and imagination if you go suddenly from

"The LAKESIDE SERIAL RAPIST.."   ..and see composite drawing posters, and hear scary music..   To:

Alfred.    And see instead a snapshot elementary school photo.. And hear a kid playing at recess on the school ground or something.

Wonder what the heck happen to Alfred that he was once a probably terribly darling elementary school kid..  And then fast forward..  Is robbing, raping, murdering..   And fast forward..

Either died or is serving a life sentence.  I dont think in anyones imagination he is still living a life of serial raping crime.. And i dont think in anyones imagination he was never caught; repented; turned his life around..  And is now living a happy, healthy life, raising happy, healthy children..

But who knows, -write.  Everything is just that: imagination; projection; guessing; assuming; statistically speaking; predicting..

I wish that i could KNOW what i will always just have to occasionally wonder.

/i am aware here of all my own psychology..  A student still of my own reactions/behaviors/thoughts/coping mechanisms..  Processes..i am sometimes Un-Unconscious..  That is; conscious of things i used to be unconscious of...  Anyway..

Ive mentioned before how one of my Longings, deep in me still! Is the desire to meet the other victim survivors.. My sister survivors!  #1

-we were all given numbers; #1 comitted suicide.  -and by the way:

SHE HAS A NAME TOO.  -ive never been privileged to learn it.  -and i was told "the last one".  That is, the last woman that was raped with a rapist who followed the same M.O. within a geographical location that would have made authorties beleive it was their Lakeside Rapist..

She was also murdered.  -then the pattern broke.   " the last one"

SHE HAS A NAME TOO!   -though ive never been privileged to know it. I wonder what HER name is..  I bet it was something very, very, beautiful; soft and feminine and lovely to pronounce..

I was #2.   And somehow i feel very, very compelled to introduce myself write now

My name is Sandra Lynn Harrison Kay.

Now..  I was talking to both Rick and my sister about my deep, deep desire to get to meet #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9... Etc.

And Rick didnt think protocal allowed..  Or maybe its been so long they dont even still have the names..

But what a wake up my sister gave me..  Because, the way i process and think of it in my heart and mind and spirit..

I am deeply, profoundly, completely, utterly and permanently connected to these sister survivors even though weve never met.

"We were in the war together! We survived the front lines!"

But what my sister offered was very valuable insight.. She suggested that i was pretty far along; healed.. And in a good place.

But..  That might not be the case for the others..  That maybe they tucked it away..  And who would want to revisit and have all that ugliness and trauma all put back in their face..

And what if their lives are already a struggle write now.. And that would just make it worse.. And harder..   And what if theyve kept it a secret.. Etc.,

And i have to tell you my truth:

That i never once even thought of all that.  Ive always thought we could provide each other with a comfort

That only we could provide each other with; because only we know..

And it just seems to me..  That while all rape survivors share a bond of some strange sort..

Rape survivors of specific rapists share a specific bond..

I think the analogy is war once again; always as a matter of fact:

All veterans share a bond; the bond is stronger if you are in the same branch, I.e., navy, marines, army, airforce..

The bond is stronger still if you serve in the same war..

The bond is stronger if you survived the same ambush..

And war is war is war is war...

But my point is: those of us who survived the terror inflicted by..

Alfred.   We are one. 

In Jesus name.. I send you love.. Blessings... Healing..  And i know you each have a beautiful, lovely, feminine, very pretty

Name.  

Amen.

posted by SHE @ 10:16 AM