SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

I will not report. by (me!) sandra, tvgp

only those who understand; will understand.

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i met keith at a dance club.  -smooth dancer.. smooth talker.. great smile.   absent the memory of many other details, i remember being invited to his home..

i think i lived with my friend Lisa at the time..  it seems to me I went to the extra effort to make a copy of my license.. and provide his name, number, address..   like, a bunch of extra information on the in case.

-on the,  in case I didn't make it back.  I always needed someone to know where I was, who I was with, when I'd be back.. 

because let us here remember that by the time I was 21 years old, I had already been kidnapped and raped three different times + alcoholic abuse step father + bullies at school.. Undiagnosed/untreated PTSD..  a list I do not care to repeat so often, but which does factor in quite heavily on all my subsequent behaviors and decisions, for good or bad..

and one thing I remember quite vividly, is that on my drive over..

I had made a pact with myself and with God..   -that should anything happen to me,

like sexual assault of any nature;

I would not report it.  -the reason I would not report it, is because I was fully, completely, consciously aware of my actions/decision:

going over to a relatively unknown males house, in the evening, by myself.   -I assumed the risk..  and if it turned out bad;

I only, exclusively, had myself to blame. Period.

***

retrospectively, I see a very traumatized young woman trying to regain control.   stupid and brave.

***

as it turned out..  there was no assault of any kind...   no undue pressure..  

-just the type of kiss that creates its own momentum..

***

retrospectively, I see that having taken such a risk..  and having it turn out well..

well, this may have added to the bliss factor.

I felt almost...

almost..

very close

to

Normal.

***

posted by SHE @ 7:59 PM