SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

Someone put my car in reverse again. by (me!) sandra, tvgp

I cannot begin to adequately describe how much I love the view from almost 50...   and 'what a trip'  /borrowing a dated catch phrase..

it is to have what feels like a memory excavation taking place.  and without getting too far off road.. seems worth first noting, it is the very essence of who we are: a collection of memories.   -and worth noting also..  the contrast between   -at least as you get older,

those things/people which can trigger memories vs. do trigger memories vs. cannot.   I.e.,  -I see people and objects all day long at work, but nothing is triggered, and then..

BAM..   -like, i am currently working side by side with a woman i used to work at San leandro hospital with 25 years ago..    + lady Di, as she was known, stopped in the store/also from my San leandro hospital days..  + my reconnection with Rick Cahall, who I dated 25 years ago..  And! my sister dating the brother of someone I dated/was temporarily engaged to 25 years ago..

it really is like having someone pull the lever of a memory pinball machine and letting it shoot over there, and then PING off that memory and shoot over there..   and

tilt.

and consciously learning to stop the automatic process that is

trigger = memory.  it can be overwhelming..

like, last night, because we are going to the zoo soon, and because there has been a lot of talk of elephants with my coworker artist friend who just adopted an orphaned elephant..

i found myself revisiting elephant related memories.  and you know, my sister collects elephants; i , giraffes..   so there are visual triggers everyday..  but it was last night,

that i revisited the memory that my first true love: Michael Jackson  /not the king of pop..  

His father was killed by an elephant at the Oakland Zoo..   he was a zookeeper, and apparently an elephant named smokey trampled him..  and this death had something to do with the zoo changing their policies regarding contact between zookeeper/elephant..   and then I just spent some time remembering Michael..  and then..  the dream in which it sure seems like he made direct contact with me.. and then memories of   -learning from his sister, he had taken his own life, and.. there was talk of how he had been on medicines for depression / bipolar disorder..   

and i wonder if his family would appreciate the pictures I still have of him..  the letters in his handwritten penmanship..  

and that leads to other memories, and unless -as I continue to do: you stop the automatic process,   -well just imagine 50 years worth of this memory triggering that memory which triggers another memory; it can impede on the opportunity to create new ones..

but even discussing the process itself triggers another..

and spiritually speaking, I feel like..  OK God..  why so much from 25 years ago..?  what all do you want me to see? and understand?

and in the middle of what has already been feeling like a memory excavation..

enters a few days go, from stage very far left:   keith.

-who i was just crazy about in my early 20's..  

like, -crazy; crazy..   like, butterflies every time I saw him, or heard his voice,

like.. melted when he smiled at me..  like,

unable to fully articulate sentences or get my thoughts out in an organized fashion..

like,..   I think I may have stalked him some..  You know the kind? where you intentionally drive in the neighborhood where someone lives in hopes of accidentally running into them..

Oh.. I had it bad.   poor guy..

and, but what fun to be back in contact, -because the memories this guy triggers..!

I could spend the rest of 2015 and all of 2016...

and I'll start, by ending this post with this:

I have several photos, letters, cards, pages worth of tangible memories from my first true love: Michael Jackson..

But.. not 1 picture of keith..   or card.. or note..  or sweet picture of us together.. ;nothing.

/that is probably because we were wearing nothing.   -and I just want to Thank Jesus here one more time that I am not having my teenage or early 20's experiences write now in 2015..  the age of Snapchat/Instagram and

Insta-blackmale..    /oh..  you think that is a typo?

anyway..  Honey!  my reputation would require three more full emersion baptisms in a row..

but...  let me tell you.. 

if you are going to have wild oats for breakfast..  

you want them hot  -write.

posted by SHE @ 9:22 AM