SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

Identify!Identify!Identify!Identify!Identify! By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

Oh!mark this as the first (and perhaps 2nd time) only I am actually grateful for the way this borrowed iPad squishes my words together. It is great! For capturing the PTSD thoughts that at one time consumed my mind. They were squished together. No breaks. Non stop. Day in, day out: identifying people. Please remember.. This is always the first question: can you identify the man who... Broke into your house. Can you identify the man who kidnapped you? Can you identify the man with the gun? Can you identify the bank robber? Can you identify the person in this line up. Let me tell you, by the time I reached age 21 I did not who I might have to identify next. My brain would non stop try and lock things in: height, weight, facial hair, or not, what clothes, shoes, shape of eyes, color of eyes, size of ears.. Were his ears visible? Tattoos, things in pockets, what side hair was parted on, voice, things/ways of talking. Getting in and out of a grocery store could be as exhausting as.. Because, that man who just parked next to me.. He looks suspicious: add on what car, license plate, color, is he alone? And that man who just passed me too close in the produce aisle... He looks suspicious.. Lock in his height, weight, skin color, teeth,.. If you could have looked inside my brain like you can look at this blog post writing, it would have read something like this: SUSPICIOUS! 5,8,dark hair,covers the ears,khakis,blue,running shoes,short steps,160,something in left back pocket SUSPICIOUS!6'2,175,red sweatshirt,beard,sunglasses,polished shoes,birthmark on side of face SUSPICIOUS!(insert height/weight/clothes/car, etc. Here) ad nauseam. Non stop. Everywhere. Anywhere. All the time. But a submarine. On the surface: "good morning. How are you? Please. Thank you. Have a great day" and all that. Of course there is no way for any human being to keep track of that many people or details, but I couldn't shut my PTSD submarine brain -off. When it wasn't identifying suspicious people, it was trying to memorize cars and license plates. how long did this last? Too long.. I know it was going on during my Jr. College and college years, and I marvel now that I made it through... Almost fits into split personality: on the surface, working full time to put myself through college. In the submarine, perpetual preparation for another attack. Another visit to the police station. Another mug shot. That question: "can you identify..." -when I review my own writings, I notice the absence of all that. It's hard to find me saying' how tall a person is, or their weight, or facial features. -sometimes a picture, so you can just see for yourself. -but it's very generic coming from me... Maybe, or maybe not, the roots of that are found in that part of my history. In any case.. Over the years I've learned how to turn it off or on. There are still occasions I realize it wouldn't hurt to be able to identify: -that person in that car over there. And I'll lock in a few pertinent details on the in case. But it is rare and I can also go long periods of time and places without any concerns at all. How refreshing! To just live! See. Visit. Explore. Without being surrounded by suspicious people and having my brain work over-over-over-over time on trying to identify people in a line up or mug shot album. "thank you Jesus!". Amen.

posted by SHE @ 10:24 AM 1 comments

turn this silver into GOLD. prays (me!) sandra, tvgp

  God I love this selfie!

***

I said to my sexy, I said without a smile, "see this silver here   -it opens about a dozen traumatic memories

but I am immune to their negative effects"

***

write about now is when my spiritual training really starts paying off; yielding great results, because when I was brushing my teeth, and in the mirror noticed..

prior to my spiritual training, I would have maybe said,  "God Damn it"  and been all preoccupied with worry, concern, fear...  dread..

but that thought; none of those thoughts,  even entered my mind

write away,  

and especially after so recently watching Joyce Meyer, and revisiting her lessons on finding the treasures in your trials

write away, I looked at it and said, "GOD BLESS IT"    /but with the same tone people say God Damn it.

anyway,

I had all my silver covered in white, via some cosmetic dentistry many years ago..

and apparently   -well,  some white has gone missing. I did not feel it when it happened, I just noticed when I brushed my teeth

and I have not even been to a dentist since...   2005?      when you are living under the poverty line, job here, job there,  -no medical/dental benefits of any kind for a decade +

being able to see a dentist for 6 months check-ups isn't something you budget for; at least I sure didn't.      brush, occasionally floss, rinse with 6 benefits in 1 listerine; keep prayin'

see a dentist only in the case of an emergency; only if you absolutely have to

and "Thank You! Jesus"    -I haven't had to

***

but,  -if you read me; if you've read me for any length

you understand about cerebral hyperlinks    -and so here are just a few, of who knows how many, which opened when I noticed the white, which was cosmetically covering my silver   - was gone:

Mouth Full of Silver
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=20+cavities

Bruce Allen
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=bruce+allen


Silver Bullets
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=silver+bullets

Mom~mosa
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=mom%7Emosa

The Book of Eli & Hostess Cupcakes

Why I cried all the way home

Green mile cable man

Identify! Identify! Identify!

He Has A Name

LSR

and there are more, but that is sufficient.

***

also, I have a couple memories  -which lean positive,  -84 charing cross road, and Helene with her dental issues..

and this one:  Meet Lilly, and then Jan and Larry Brown   (one of my personal favorites from when I was writing for the patch)

makes me smile.    ~writers.

***

anyway, when I took the selfie which I knew would accompany this post

I cropped it and flipped it upside down

"AWESOME! THANK YOU JESUS!"    -because, in thumbprint size, from a specific distance and specific angle

it looks to me, like two hands are cradling a small eyeless face, with its mouth stretched wide open, -leaning back in a dental chair, preparing for work to be done  -and appears to be a person with an oversized adams apple   -and something about it also reminds me of the famous, the scream, painting



anyway..

as an artist, a writer, a survivor

there is an internal thing that happens, and the feeling, if I try to describe it

if I use words,   -perfect!   like, I have just landed the exact write picture to capture and express and complement my post.  I am very pleased.   very pleased with this selfie.

***

"Dear Jesus..   Turn this silver into gold"    -I love you,   amen.

posted by SHE @ 8:46 AM 0 comments

PART OF MY PLAN (me!) sandra, tvgp

part of my plan  -to write it out, all out, to a point of exhaustion.  to feel as if there is no more I can, need to, or will ever write about it again; period.   and then move permanently forward   (I confess I think ive had this goal more than once..   keep thinking ive achieved and then re-visit)

       "leaving the past behind...

as the bible scripture goes.




***

and as for the LSR, I am very close.  is there much more I can say, 30+ years later, that is of value to anyone?  when all the posts ive written on the topic are combined, it is pretty much covered to exhaustion.

but I am so 'whole' now; one healed, happy person..  no more double-life chronically plagued with fear.    that is what it felt like,  living with PTSD,  -quite severe, while still maintaining the mandatory things of life, work/school, etc.   what it felt like, hiding my eating disorder, while still maintaining the mandatory requirements of life..       to compare that life, to the life I live now,  -a fair analogy would be to compare a prison cell existence, to a Hawaiian vacation

  -so sometimes, as I do smile quite frequently, with ease, and authentically

people will sometimes comment...  "are you just always happy?"

and the answer is, "yes!"          -because at all times, I have such a hideous, awful, violent, dysfunctional, PTSD, yucky, ugly, one battle after another battle youth to compare today to

I have been rescued from such a dark, deep pit!  "Thank You!" Jesus!

***

and so there was a pattern for the LSR..   and he claimed  -I still can't remember exact number..  9 victims?   with pretty much the same mode of operation, within a recognizable geographic area,  over how many months? also don't know.. but the police sketch of his appearance; his face in hooded jacket.. based on the combined testimony of those of us who saw him for at least one second

was plastered all over san leandro, and in newspapers and in the news.     and I was told some years later,  -that a woman was kidnapped/raped/murdered, and then the pattern broke.  -he was emboldened by not getting caught each victim..   so his evil grew..

and the thing worth repeating here, has mostly to do with PTSD; anything I can contribute toward understanding; helping others

because, as I recently mentioned:  the first time I saw the police sketch on paper, my entire being reacted to it, as if it were the predator himself; when it was just a picture on a piece of paper.  as time passed, I desensitized..     if I woke to the sketch today;  -my emotions are neutral/my reaction; indifferent; the photo has no impact/power of over me;  images..

passing by places that remind me of...      nothing, nothing, nothing.. all good.

but, experiencing  -emotions-  that remind me of...  that remind my brain..     fear/terror..    I need to manage this with effort and diligence.   potential to spiral backwards here; even all these years later

I give myself an A+ for discovering, learning this about myself, and living accordingly; applying what ive learned and know

and repeat before I continue:  you cant erase traumatic memories.  but you can dilute!  

***

and so, I believe it was one year, to the month, prior to becoming victim #2 of the LSR, that I was victim (#?) of  -a no media named  -all together different predator.   and ive addressed this all before in prior posts also, pretty sure..     but the stand outs:

his photograph, or mug shot, was already in the police albums.   there were 2 girls who had reported, but did not follow through with prosecution, only months, I believe, before I reported my kidnap/rape

he was sentenced to 20 years; to be deported to his country of origin upon release.

I do not, to my own current memory, remember battling PTSD after this   -perhaps, exactly because he was caught by police; prosecuted; sentenced; in jail...

***

and, at 6 years old..    an all together different type of predator; breaking into our home; kidnapping from my room..         -also, I'm pretty sure, ive already written, the posts just need to be combined and then there is nothing new to add or say, of value

***

and somewhere in between..   being in the bank, during the armed robbery, with the gun pointed in my direction..          ive written that to exhaustion, I'm pretty confident

and bullies..   written about that to exhaustion too...

***

but how's that..    ive obviously had to spend an unfair amount of time thinking about  -the liabilities of being born female

and obviously,  -all this great fortune:   being born in California, in the good ol United States of America..  land of the free...      this democratic..   

and obviously, ive had to spend an unfair amount of time, thinking on topics of evil; predators.. how they evolve; how we can prevent..

and ive spent enormous amounts of time grateful for any/all that contribute to all of us living in a safer world; the police, the detectives, law enforcement..  our military

and lots of time, first just barely existing with PTSD   -and then learning that's what I even had; the monster I was dealing with..   and then becoming a student of it..   and now hoping to pass on what ive learned


my unanswered questions:  how/why/what circumstances; series of life events put each of these men  on the path; turned him into a predator?   or,  -as is true in nature on the whole; are there just a percentage of natural born predators;  -and prey.

***

I have one thing,  -personal thing, left to accomplish, and will place the picture here:
















In Jesus name,    amen!


PTSD

I think this is covered     in my post identify, identify, identify   -a great example of the many ways my brain was chronically taxed; working over time; I couldn't shut it off

there was the hypervigilance..    and, although the prefix hyper indicates what it does, I would still describe myself as being extremely hypervigilant,    and in the case of a serial rapist, still at large, ..  really, I was living the fact, that he could be anywhere, anyone, anytime..   

there was the evening paralysis..   if I sat in the dark, sometimes I would just freeze in position, and be unable to talk myself into moving off the couch, or chair, and only fell asleep from exhaustion

there was the purchase of a gun, and learning how to shoot it, and then...   my brain preparing for every single possible way  -and some impossible ways, a predator might enter my home, and pre-planning out how I would get to the gun in time    -if he comes through this way; ill do this...   but he if comes through that way, I'll do this...   but he if comes over there, i'll have to do this...  but if I'm in the other room, i'll have to do this...          -non stop; could not turn off my brain...   fell asleep only due to exhaustion..                  -finally got rid of the gun, and gained some peace

there was the time the power went out, and I fell immediately into fetal position; frozen..

there was the experience of watching people in January, shop for Christmas Tree items that were on sale, so they'd have them for the next year... and my brain was insisting..  There will be no next year  -don't you know you could die..   we are all going to die    -don't be so optimistic buying things for next year

the eating disorder, which I think just helped me numb; give my brain something else to preoccupy it; but that was all tainted with guilt, shame, fear; depression

all awful, exhausting, taxing, chronic, and going on behind/around and within the mandatory requirements of work/school; life..

and add on my traumatic experiences..    not on the socially acceptable list..   

and, add on, on my first attempt, several years post LSR, and into  -stepping reluctantly, nervously into healing/courage

my first attempt publically to share...   /and at the time I could not even use the word rape, but I attempted to share, and "I've been robbed 3 different times"        -and the person stepped away from me and told me I was bad luck           -sent me write back into keeping my mouth shut

        -and so undiagnosed/untreated; no sleep..   worse; worse; worse..


and, then the listening to the veteran on a documentary tv show, and all his symptoms were my symptoms too!   and hearing that... for the first time (to my conscious awareness)  .... post traumatic stress disorder...

and then, what time later?  coming across a book in the bookstore, with those words down the spine..   post traumatic stress disorder....  and pulling it off the shelf, flipping through pages..   falling to the floor in tears, having a word/.. a diagnosis...   a name! for what I was going through

          long... painful... hard....   journey:  PTSD.     the actual, practical crime(s) themselves...  happen within one day; but the  -post-    -the traumatized person, the results, the wake of the crime; healing from....

decades.


and as previously mentioned...  I am not a fan of emersion therapy.. (really.. you want me to put on virtual reality goggles, watch people being raped, until it doesn't bother me anymore?!?)   I believe in medicine for sleep; and getting proper SLEEP is KEY to ALL OTHER HEALING,  a mantadory perquisite..  and then diluting the brain with other positive things/experiences; and great to take on the task of learning something you want to learn, because this demands the brain to work on something positive

you cannot have two conscious thoughts at one time...   so, if your brain is working on
     how do I do this?   /play the guitar...   build something...   paint/draw,   golf... whatever

you focus on that, and it  -kicks out-   the opportunity for repetitive thoughts in the negative

but the brain is in fact damaged and already taxed, so  -in small increments; slowly rebuilding..

but  -catching-   PTSD thoughts...     sooner you can catch, recognize, redirect... the better.

remembering..   you cant pitch a ball with a broken hand/arm in a cast..  must heal first..

then physical therapy; rebuilding..   and same with the brain...   must first heal..

then mental/emotional therapy; rebuilding..

PRAY. SLEEP.  LEARN SOMETHING YOU LOVE.   GO SLOW AND BE PATIENT. CATCH AND REDIRECT YOUR THOUGHTS.     again, again, repeat, repeat...

MEDICINE as a bridge...


***

I sure have to come to believe fully in spiritual warfare...    the devil seeking to kill and destroy..  keep people alone, afraid, full of shame or doubt, insecurities, suspicions, fear, preoccupations, addictions..   every negative thing; every counterproductive; every ugly; every awful...  

and God..   reaching out and in, shining, helping, guiding, lifting, supporting, loving, caring, nurturing

and I have come to really appreciate that saying, and hear it in a song on KLOVE

    greater is he who is inside me, than he who is in the world

                   rise

and appreciate,  beauty from ashes..

and the words, rescued and restored...

all of this has direct application..    and I have personally experienced.   -and am currently experiencing


somehow I have healed..   and while still having a teachable spirit for constructive criticism; I am impervious to the judgements, non-constructive criticisms of others   -rape survivors in particular need this in their making it through day to day life tool box

from a spiritual war perspective:  rape should shut us down and shut us up/work of the devil..

God can lift us up, and we speak out...





***

there is emphasis, for Christians..   on having your sins wiped away..  forgiveness...   and this is certainly important, beautiful,   -full of grace, mercy; love

in my own life,  -and certainly I am a sinner!  

but, the work God has done in my life..    there is more emphasis for me personally on the rescued and restored

so, how happy, blessed am I, when you put it all together:

I am loved.  I am forgiven.  I am saved!  AND!  rescued AND restored!


    -in a recent conversation with my daughter, she witnessed some baptisms that had taken place at a church, and we discussed,  -the washing away of sins..

huge blessing...    but for me, my baptism, internally, was more about a public, commitment  -

more like a wedding on Valentines Day...     Jesus; I do!   I give my heart to you!

***



LOVE gets the final word...


/here when time allows...      how beautiful, that love always gets the final word..

even after physical deaths/traumas/natural disasters..   after we learn death totals..

flowers, prayers, cards, love...

new buildings..  memorials...   tributes...     memories celebrated with love; love ; love...

LOVE always gets the final word.                      /and a word is not a number.


but!

speaking of numbers


I am sooo curious about that passage in the bible, about 666

just super curious,   I have not been gifted knowledge or wisdom, but I do pray for it

         -what on earth does that mean?!?

...  in revelations...   for it is the number of a man...  

I research more later, but...  for how long?   I just do the sign of the cross when I see 666


I don't know what it means exactly, I just know its not good...

213

very good.    /she says with a smile.


amen!

posted by SHE @ 7:28 AM 0 comments

Surgeries of the Spiritual Kind.. as considered by (me!) sandra, tvgp

tucked within a much longer prayer

"and I can pray longer because I have an extra hour every morning!"

I am currently praying for a treasured friend/family who has been diagnosed with an 'inoperable' brain tumor.

***

what a weight that word carries:  inoperable    -translated,  there is nothing we can do

***

and that sent my mind on a journey..   and I quickly realized the ratio of operable to inoperable surgeries is like,

10 to 1000000000000

very few things, very few human illnesses/diseases/issues/problems/health challenges/disorders/syndromes are

-operable.     very few, when placed to next the large number of inoperables.

I mean really..

translated, operable ='s,   -we can identify it via xray/mri, or fmri..  we can  -see- quite specifically where the problem is, get inside, and correct  ...or remove...  or insert,  or transplant   /etc.

and how beautiful it is, what a gift!  when a problem can be seen/isolated to the point a trained/skilled surgeon and team, can go inside a human body and  -fix it.

wow to that!

***

but,  let's say a person is filled with hate..      fear...      greed....    insecurities...   anxiety..   low self esteem..   depression...          emptiness...    unmotivated...   without purpose or drive...  or desires/passions...   what about ignorance, immaturity... stupidity...  stubborn/willfulness..   poor taste..

what about,  bad motives, ill intentions..     short tempers...   phobias..    superiority/inferiority complexes..    inflated egos...     anger..    ... what about guilt, shame..   indecision..   humiliation..
judgement..   rumors...  projections...  stereotyping...  profiling...  misrepresented reputations.. lies..
taboos, stigmas..

when I got to thinkin' about it..

***

but we never,  -to my experience, identify these problem/issues/feelings/experiences using that very accurate vocabulary:     -has an inoperable and chronic, fast growing, stage 4, shame based spiritual cyst..

***      we should employ the word more often..   ***

PTSD:    inoperable.

***

cold/flu:   inoperable

***

hate/anger:   inoperable

***

insecurities:  inoperable

***

aging process/growing one year older every year you are alive:   inoperable

***

mortality:   inoperable

***

so many human conditions/problems..  health related issues of the minor, major, and fatal kind

they require surgeries of the spiritual kind.

they require we look inside the human heart..   not the physical heart..  the spiritual heart

assess/identify

diagnose

and   -only with permission, and never against God given free will..

a very slow, often messy and awkward and painful and invisibly incremental

process

vs. a short or long surgery

can take place; and slowly..    bring true and ultimate healing.

and how do you know when a physical surgery is successful...

             -the way you know a spiritual surgery, which can take months, years, decades..

is successful

is by the amount of peace, love, joy...   hope, faith..

full manifestation of the fruits of      ....    "the spirit!"

***

whether or not you/loved one are in the hospital today, or have a doctor appointment

you are somewhere on the healing spectrum

where, all the way to the left, sits:    dead/non-responsive/empty/apathetic/hopeless

and all the way to the write:   awake/alive! in love with life


how whole and healed are you today?    -on the inside.

which type of surgery do you need?

***

my PTSD was inoperable.    but I am healed.

***

and I have come to know, understand, appreciate..    that, if your relationship is straight and solid with God,  with Jesus..

even while battling something as physically ominous as an 'inoperable' brain tumor

which   -who among us has the strength alone?

it is not in your own strength..   Phillippians 2:13    /and I navigate naturally here to my 4 point prayer:

you are not alone

gratitude for every healthcare provider

specific healing  -the inoperable brain tumor

trust God.

***

cast cares..     don't carry the weight on your own shoulders/heart..   release..

***

walk in love

***

hallelujah and amen.

posted by SHE @ 7:34 AM 0 comments

Let your Conscience be your guide... homework from (writeousmom!)

we are flesh and spirit.   AND! spirit..

***

what mechanisms inside us allow us to

-identify...   this is my conscience.   and what mechanism, after we identify, allows us to then label/discern

- I have a guilty conscience    vs.

-my conscience is clear..   -how do we do this?

in our physical being:  can this be xrayed?   seen via fmri?   tested with a urine or blood sample?

how do we check our own accuracy?

   'my conscience is clear.'     -prove.     -solve.

***

I am eye witness to people who are physically fit and spiritually void.

I am eye witness to people who are financially fit and spiritually void.

and vice versa.

spiritual fulfillment...   

connection...   understanding...

the entire population is searching...     learning...

and what mechanism allows us to identify      -feeling empty?  or fulfilled?

   -because we know..

we somehow know.      -prove.   -solve.     -how do we know how we feel?  how do we do that?

***

In Jesus Name,   hallelujah & amen!








 

posted by SHE @ 9:16 AM 0 comments

I am educating myself on the topic.. (me!) sandra, tvgp

posted by SHE @ 7:18 AM 0 comments

on the topic of gender non-conformity by (me!) sandra, tvgp

posted by SHE @ 2:55 PM 0 comments