SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

PART OF MY PLAN (me!) sandra, tvgp

part of my plan  -to write it out, all out, to a point of exhaustion.  to feel as if there is no more I can, need to, or will ever write about it again; period.   and then move permanently forward   (I confess I think ive had this goal more than once..   keep thinking ive achieved and then re-visit)

       "leaving the past behind...

as the bible scripture goes.




***

and as for the LSR, I am very close.  is there much more I can say, 30+ years later, that is of value to anyone?  when all the posts ive written on the topic are combined, it is pretty much covered to exhaustion.

but I am so 'whole' now; one healed, happy person..  no more double-life chronically plagued with fear.    that is what it felt like,  living with PTSD,  -quite severe, while still maintaining the mandatory things of life, work/school, etc.   what it felt like, hiding my eating disorder, while still maintaining the mandatory requirements of life..       to compare that life, to the life I live now,  -a fair analogy would be to compare a prison cell existence, to a Hawaiian vacation

  -so sometimes, as I do smile quite frequently, with ease, and authentically

people will sometimes comment...  "are you just always happy?"

and the answer is, "yes!"          -because at all times, I have such a hideous, awful, violent, dysfunctional, PTSD, yucky, ugly, one battle after another battle youth to compare today to

I have been rescued from such a dark, deep pit!  "Thank You!" Jesus!

***

and so there was a pattern for the LSR..   and he claimed  -I still can't remember exact number..  9 victims?   with pretty much the same mode of operation, within a recognizable geographic area,  over how many months? also don't know.. but the police sketch of his appearance; his face in hooded jacket.. based on the combined testimony of those of us who saw him for at least one second

was plastered all over san leandro, and in newspapers and in the news.     and I was told some years later,  -that a woman was kidnapped/raped/murdered, and then the pattern broke.  -he was emboldened by not getting caught each victim..   so his evil grew..

and the thing worth repeating here, has mostly to do with PTSD; anything I can contribute toward understanding; helping others

because, as I recently mentioned:  the first time I saw the police sketch on paper, my entire being reacted to it, as if it were the predator himself; when it was just a picture on a piece of paper.  as time passed, I desensitized..     if I woke to the sketch today;  -my emotions are neutral/my reaction; indifferent; the photo has no impact/power of over me;  images..

passing by places that remind me of...      nothing, nothing, nothing.. all good.

but, experiencing  -emotions-  that remind me of...  that remind my brain..     fear/terror..    I need to manage this with effort and diligence.   potential to spiral backwards here; even all these years later

I give myself an A+ for discovering, learning this about myself, and living accordingly; applying what ive learned and know

and repeat before I continue:  you cant erase traumatic memories.  but you can dilute!  

***

and so, I believe it was one year, to the month, prior to becoming victim #2 of the LSR, that I was victim (#?) of  -a no media named  -all together different predator.   and ive addressed this all before in prior posts also, pretty sure..     but the stand outs:

his photograph, or mug shot, was already in the police albums.   there were 2 girls who had reported, but did not follow through with prosecution, only months, I believe, before I reported my kidnap/rape

he was sentenced to 20 years; to be deported to his country of origin upon release.

I do not, to my own current memory, remember battling PTSD after this   -perhaps, exactly because he was caught by police; prosecuted; sentenced; in jail...

***

and, at 6 years old..    an all together different type of predator; breaking into our home; kidnapping from my room..         -also, I'm pretty sure, ive already written, the posts just need to be combined and then there is nothing new to add or say, of value

***

and somewhere in between..   being in the bank, during the armed robbery, with the gun pointed in my direction..          ive written that to exhaustion, I'm pretty confident

and bullies..   written about that to exhaustion too...

***

but how's that..    ive obviously had to spend an unfair amount of time thinking about  -the liabilities of being born female

and obviously,  -all this great fortune:   being born in California, in the good ol United States of America..  land of the free...      this democratic..   

and obviously, ive had to spend an unfair amount of time, thinking on topics of evil; predators.. how they evolve; how we can prevent..

and ive spent enormous amounts of time grateful for any/all that contribute to all of us living in a safer world; the police, the detectives, law enforcement..  our military

and lots of time, first just barely existing with PTSD   -and then learning that's what I even had; the monster I was dealing with..   and then becoming a student of it..   and now hoping to pass on what ive learned


my unanswered questions:  how/why/what circumstances; series of life events put each of these men  on the path; turned him into a predator?   or,  -as is true in nature on the whole; are there just a percentage of natural born predators;  -and prey.

***

I have one thing,  -personal thing, left to accomplish, and will place the picture here:
















In Jesus name,    amen!


PTSD

I think this is covered     in my post identify, identify, identify   -a great example of the many ways my brain was chronically taxed; working over time; I couldn't shut it off

there was the hypervigilance..    and, although the prefix hyper indicates what it does, I would still describe myself as being extremely hypervigilant,    and in the case of a serial rapist, still at large, ..  really, I was living the fact, that he could be anywhere, anyone, anytime..   

there was the evening paralysis..   if I sat in the dark, sometimes I would just freeze in position, and be unable to talk myself into moving off the couch, or chair, and only fell asleep from exhaustion

there was the purchase of a gun, and learning how to shoot it, and then...   my brain preparing for every single possible way  -and some impossible ways, a predator might enter my home, and pre-planning out how I would get to the gun in time    -if he comes through this way; ill do this...   but he if comes through that way, I'll do this...   but he if comes over there, i'll have to do this...  but if I'm in the other room, i'll have to do this...          -non stop; could not turn off my brain...   fell asleep only due to exhaustion..                  -finally got rid of the gun, and gained some peace

there was the time the power went out, and I fell immediately into fetal position; frozen..

there was the experience of watching people in January, shop for Christmas Tree items that were on sale, so they'd have them for the next year... and my brain was insisting..  There will be no next year  -don't you know you could die..   we are all going to die    -don't be so optimistic buying things for next year

the eating disorder, which I think just helped me numb; give my brain something else to preoccupy it; but that was all tainted with guilt, shame, fear; depression

all awful, exhausting, taxing, chronic, and going on behind/around and within the mandatory requirements of work/school; life..

and add on my traumatic experiences..    not on the socially acceptable list..   

and, add on, on my first attempt, several years post LSR, and into  -stepping reluctantly, nervously into healing/courage

my first attempt publically to share...   /and at the time I could not even use the word rape, but I attempted to share, and "I've been robbed 3 different times"        -and the person stepped away from me and told me I was bad luck           -sent me write back into keeping my mouth shut

        -and so undiagnosed/untreated; no sleep..   worse; worse; worse..


and, then the listening to the veteran on a documentary tv show, and all his symptoms were my symptoms too!   and hearing that... for the first time (to my conscious awareness)  .... post traumatic stress disorder...

and then, what time later?  coming across a book in the bookstore, with those words down the spine..   post traumatic stress disorder....  and pulling it off the shelf, flipping through pages..   falling to the floor in tears, having a word/.. a diagnosis...   a name! for what I was going through

          long... painful... hard....   journey:  PTSD.     the actual, practical crime(s) themselves...  happen within one day; but the  -post-    -the traumatized person, the results, the wake of the crime; healing from....

decades.


and as previously mentioned...  I am not a fan of emersion therapy.. (really.. you want me to put on virtual reality goggles, watch people being raped, until it doesn't bother me anymore?!?)   I believe in medicine for sleep; and getting proper SLEEP is KEY to ALL OTHER HEALING,  a mantadory perquisite..  and then diluting the brain with other positive things/experiences; and great to take on the task of learning something you want to learn, because this demands the brain to work on something positive

you cannot have two conscious thoughts at one time...   so, if your brain is working on
     how do I do this?   /play the guitar...   build something...   paint/draw,   golf... whatever

you focus on that, and it  -kicks out-   the opportunity for repetitive thoughts in the negative

but the brain is in fact damaged and already taxed, so  -in small increments; slowly rebuilding..

but  -catching-   PTSD thoughts...     sooner you can catch, recognize, redirect... the better.

remembering..   you cant pitch a ball with a broken hand/arm in a cast..  must heal first..

then physical therapy; rebuilding..   and same with the brain...   must first heal..

then mental/emotional therapy; rebuilding..

PRAY. SLEEP.  LEARN SOMETHING YOU LOVE.   GO SLOW AND BE PATIENT. CATCH AND REDIRECT YOUR THOUGHTS.     again, again, repeat, repeat...

MEDICINE as a bridge...


***

I sure have to come to believe fully in spiritual warfare...    the devil seeking to kill and destroy..  keep people alone, afraid, full of shame or doubt, insecurities, suspicions, fear, preoccupations, addictions..   every negative thing; every counterproductive; every ugly; every awful...  

and God..   reaching out and in, shining, helping, guiding, lifting, supporting, loving, caring, nurturing

and I have come to really appreciate that saying, and hear it in a song on KLOVE

    greater is he who is inside me, than he who is in the world

                   rise

and appreciate,  beauty from ashes..

and the words, rescued and restored...

all of this has direct application..    and I have personally experienced.   -and am currently experiencing


somehow I have healed..   and while still having a teachable spirit for constructive criticism; I am impervious to the judgements, non-constructive criticisms of others   -rape survivors in particular need this in their making it through day to day life tool box

from a spiritual war perspective:  rape should shut us down and shut us up/work of the devil..

God can lift us up, and we speak out...





***

there is emphasis, for Christians..   on having your sins wiped away..  forgiveness...   and this is certainly important, beautiful,   -full of grace, mercy; love

in my own life,  -and certainly I am a sinner!  

but, the work God has done in my life..    there is more emphasis for me personally on the rescued and restored

so, how happy, blessed am I, when you put it all together:

I am loved.  I am forgiven.  I am saved!  AND!  rescued AND restored!


    -in a recent conversation with my daughter, she witnessed some baptisms that had taken place at a church, and we discussed,  -the washing away of sins..

huge blessing...    but for me, my baptism, internally, was more about a public, commitment  -

more like a wedding on Valentines Day...     Jesus; I do!   I give my heart to you!

***



LOVE gets the final word...


/here when time allows...      how beautiful, that love always gets the final word..

even after physical deaths/traumas/natural disasters..   after we learn death totals..

flowers, prayers, cards, love...

new buildings..  memorials...   tributes...     memories celebrated with love; love ; love...

LOVE always gets the final word.                      /and a word is not a number.


but!

speaking of numbers


I am sooo curious about that passage in the bible, about 666

just super curious,   I have not been gifted knowledge or wisdom, but I do pray for it

         -what on earth does that mean?!?

...  in revelations...   for it is the number of a man...  

I research more later, but...  for how long?   I just do the sign of the cross when I see 666


I don't know what it means exactly, I just know its not good...

213

very good.    /she says with a smile.


amen!

posted by SHE @ 7:28 AM 0 comments

LSR picking up where i left off.. (me!) sandra, tvgp

LSR = Lakeside Serial Rapist

***

the next place..   I mean no memory for me whatsoever, from the time I ran like the predator was still on my heels, from the car to the front door of my mom's house.   -nothing.  

the next thing I do remember, is being at the townhome I lived in at the time, in San Leandro, with my dad, and two police officer/investigators visiting me there.

collecting information

now, I had only seen his face for 1 second at best.  I was walking toward Mark's apartment from the parking lot, heard foot steps behind me, thought it was Mark, and that he was just trying to surprise me, and so turned around to surprise him first,

only when I turned around

not Mark.


A black man in a hooded sweatshirt who put a gun immediately to my head and told me to turn around


***

the rest ive written, and so will skip to

**

when the police officers gathered information..   what did he look like.. what did I see/remember

and important to note here, it was 1983 or 1984..

at some point they pulled out a piece of paper from their briefcase which was of a black man in a hooded sweatshirt


and if you want clear evidence of PTSD

when I saw the  -picture!    on paper!    -clearly harmless; a picture/a paper..

my entire being reacted as if it were the predator come to life..

terrified, all over again.

***

eric kandel has done some great work..   

***

my layperson analogy, is touch screens on computers..

there is a sensitivity spectrum:    how much pressure to get this link to click

on one credit card machine Ive worked on, you had to press, CREDIT, with all kinds of pressure, three or four times before the darn thing would click to the next screen

and on another,

you barely place your finger over the word, and don't even have to actually make contact, and the next screen appears..


trauma comes along, and resets the sensitivity settings in your mind   -sensitization

and, imagine if you will, a perpetual state of hypersensitivity to every black male, to every hooded sweatshirt; to every sound, to every parking lot;

non-stop.  no breaks..

and then news of another victim...

and another..

but please pause to add this on top of, two prior kidnapping/rapes, and the bank I was in when it was robbed, with a gun held to my head during that traumatic event also..

and here are a few things I think contributed to the severity/longevity of my PTSD


 -the term/condition was not even part of our vocabulary in 1980's the way it is today.

- I went undiagnosed/untreated

-taboo/stigmas attached to rape as a trauma vs. natural disasters, or war or socially acceptable traumas

-my own inability to communicate what I was experiencing

-shame of my behavior(s)

-not knowing/being able to communicate with the other LSR victims

- group counseling  -disaster! as now, each person's story adds another area/predator I need to fear

                   as a matter of fact, I would pause here to say; to recommend

NEVER place a rape victim with PTSD in a group counseling session, probably one of the most counter-productive to healing things you can do     /**caveat below

The healing thing..  would be to place the victim/survivor with a group of healthy people who have never had such an encounter, and just offer unconditional support/love.  you want to remind and give exposure to the fact that there are safe...    there is safe..

** the caveat..

one of the most healing things   -not a group of rape victim/survivors from a variety of predators..

   -you will never leave your house again.


but I still use analogy, and believe, it would be healing/beneficial for those of us, who survived the same predator, to meet/talk with each other

the only other ones who truly know each others suffering/experience

and the analogy that there is a bond, like military people, who serve in the same branch, serve in the same war, and survive the same ambush..

there is a healing thing that takes place, without words even..

just to know; to be in the same room..

just hang out.   you don't have to retell; re-live..

you already know, and move forward from there...

***

so, PTSD..

perpetual/chronic/non-stop hypervigilance; exhausting.   with no ability to change the channel in your mind

no ability to not react..

and such states of physical paralysis, even though all the parts of my physical body worked fine.  no broken bones, or sprains, or strains..

but long nights, where one sound would paralyze me..   I could not move.   frozen.     any effort to talk myself into moving

    -just move your finger..  just lift your hand..    your hand is not broken..  move it!

 -nothing.


frozen.   frozen in position until i'd fall asleep from exhaustion.   repeat; repeat; repeat.

evening/night awful..   dark lighting..

awful

  -but the break of day...    light!

I could function.     


   -have you heard that term..     functioning alcoholic.

it means, an alcoholic, but someone who can still hold down a job..   

that's what I was like,

a functioning PTSD person..

and, I will close with this analogy regarding addiction

I know about addictions from my years as a smoker, and my couple years with prescription drugs

and I have been delivered   -fully!  -completely!   from both,

but it gives me access, and ability to make this analogy


                    -as I am here, revisiting areas where traumatic events took place many years ago

ive learned this


images/pictures, over time, places..       I can go past, visit, look at, see, etc.

and my emotions are entirely neutral; indifferent.   I have the memories; there is no stopping the remembering part

but it does not bring back any associated fears/emotions


                 -as a PTSD survivor         /which is this whole other beast you have to survive after surviving violence/rape/kidnapping

as a survivor

it is not places/pictures that put me at any risk of going backwards in my healing

it is the emotion..   the emotion of fear itself..

that is what can threaten my progress

so, if I experience fear,  for any reason..    

it is like,  if a recovered alcoholic has just that one drink...

like, if a recovered drug addict has just that one drug...

if a recovered smoker, has just that one cigarette...


  you are always at risk of the one small thing, sending you back into a downward spiral

so I have learned to really manage..

I do not, for example, volunteer to watch scary movies..   even though, it's just a movie..

I don't volunteer for anything that makes me scared..

and when I do experience fear, and feel that sensation coming on,

from a loud bang here, a near accident there, a suspicious person over there..

I talk to God immediately!  meditate..    start exercising that muscle/neuron,

whatever it is in our mind that allows us to recognize our thoughts/state of mind

and change it!

and,

once again,

I'm going to do that write now..      "because I can!"

In Jesus miracle working name...   amen!

posted by SHE @ 10:56 AM 0 comments

turn this silver into GOLD. prays (me!) sandra, tvgp

  God I love this selfie!

***

I said to my sexy, I said without a smile, "see this silver here   -it opens about a dozen traumatic memories

but I am immune to their negative effects"

***

write about now is when my spiritual training really starts paying off; yielding great results, because when I was brushing my teeth, and in the mirror noticed..

prior to my spiritual training, I would have maybe said,  "God Damn it"  and been all preoccupied with worry, concern, fear...  dread..

but that thought; none of those thoughts,  even entered my mind

write away,  

and especially after so recently watching Joyce Meyer, and revisiting her lessons on finding the treasures in your trials

write away, I looked at it and said, "GOD BLESS IT"    /but with the same tone people say God Damn it.

anyway,

I had all my silver covered in white, via some cosmetic dentistry many years ago..

and apparently   -well,  some white has gone missing. I did not feel it when it happened, I just noticed when I brushed my teeth

and I have not even been to a dentist since...   2005?      when you are living under the poverty line, job here, job there,  -no medical/dental benefits of any kind for a decade +

being able to see a dentist for 6 months check-ups isn't something you budget for; at least I sure didn't.      brush, occasionally floss, rinse with 6 benefits in 1 listerine; keep prayin'

see a dentist only in the case of an emergency; only if you absolutely have to

and "Thank You! Jesus"    -I haven't had to

***

but,  -if you read me; if you've read me for any length

you understand about cerebral hyperlinks    -and so here are just a few, of who knows how many, which opened when I noticed the white, which was cosmetically covering my silver   - was gone:

Mouth Full of Silver
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=20+cavities

Bruce Allen
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=bruce+allen


Silver Bullets
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=silver+bullets

Mom~mosa
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=mom%7Emosa

The Book of Eli & Hostess Cupcakes

Why I cried all the way home

Green mile cable man

Identify! Identify! Identify!

He Has A Name

LSR

and there are more, but that is sufficient.

***

also, I have a couple memories  -which lean positive,  -84 charing cross road, and Helene with her dental issues..

and this one:  Meet Lilly, and then Jan and Larry Brown   (one of my personal favorites from when I was writing for the patch)

makes me smile.    ~writers.

***

anyway, when I took the selfie which I knew would accompany this post

I cropped it and flipped it upside down

"AWESOME! THANK YOU JESUS!"    -because, in thumbprint size, from a specific distance and specific angle

it looks to me, like two hands are cradling a small eyeless face, with its mouth stretched wide open, -leaning back in a dental chair, preparing for work to be done  -and appears to be a person with an oversized adams apple   -and something about it also reminds me of the famous, the scream, painting



anyway..

as an artist, a writer, a survivor

there is an internal thing that happens, and the feeling, if I try to describe it

if I use words,   -perfect!   like, I have just landed the exact write picture to capture and express and complement my post.  I am very pleased.   very pleased with this selfie.

***

"Dear Jesus..   Turn this silver into gold"    -I love you,   amen.

posted by SHE @ 8:46 AM 0 comments