turn this silver into GOLD. prays (me!) sandra, tvgp
God I love this selfie!
***
I said to my sexy, I said without a smile, "see this silver here -it opens about a dozen traumatic memories
but I am immune to their negative effects"
***
write about now is when my spiritual training really starts paying off; yielding great results, because when I was brushing my teeth, and in the mirror noticed..
prior to my spiritual training, I would have maybe said, "God Damn it" and been all preoccupied with worry, concern, fear... dread..
but that thought; none of those thoughts, even entered my mind
write away,
and especially after so recently watching Joyce Meyer, and revisiting her lessons on
finding the treasures in your trials
write away, I looked at it and said, "
GOD BLESS IT" /but with the same tone people say God Damn it.
anyway,
I had all my silver covered in white, via some cosmetic dentistry many years ago..
and apparently -well, some white has gone missing. I did not feel it when it happened, I just noticed when I brushed my teeth
and I have not even been to a dentist since... 2005? when you are living under the poverty line, job here, job there, -no medical/dental benefits of any kind for a decade +
being able to see a dentist for 6 months check-ups isn't something you budget for; at least I sure didn't. brush, occasionally floss, rinse with 6 benefits in 1 listerine; keep prayin'
see a dentist only in the case of an emergency; only if you absolutely have to
and "Thank You! Jesus" -I haven't
had to
***
but, -if you read me; if you've read me for any length
you understand about cerebral hyperlinks -and so here are just a few, of who knows how many, which opened when I noticed the white, which was cosmetically covering my silver - was gone:
Mouth Full of Silver
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=20+cavities
Bruce
Allen
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=bruce+allen
Silver Bullets
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=silver+bullets
Mom~
mosa
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=mom%7Emosa
The Book of Eli &
Hostess Cupcakes
Why I
cried all the way home
Green
mile cable man
Identify!
Identify! Identify!
He Has A
Name
LSR
and there are more, but that is sufficient.
***
also, I have a couple memories -which lean positive, -84 charing cross road, and Helene with her dental issues..
and this one: Meet
Lilly, and then Jan and Larry Brown (one of my personal favorites from when I was writing for the patch)
makes me smile. ~writers.
***
anyway, when I took the selfie which I knew would accompany this post
I cropped it and flipped it upside down
"AWESOME! THANK YOU JESUS!" -because, in thumbprint size, from a specific distance and specific angle
it looks to me, like two hands are cradling a small eyeless face, with its mouth stretched wide open, -leaning back in a dental chair, preparing for work to be done -and appears to be a person with an oversized adams apple -and something about it also reminds me of the famous, the scream, painting
anyway..
as an artist, a writer, a survivor
there is an internal thing that happens, and the feeling, if I try to describe it
if I use words, -perfect! like, I have just landed the exact write picture to capture and express and complement my post. I am very pleased. very pleased with this selfie.
***
"Dear Jesus.. Turn this silver into gold" -I love you, amen.
Dear Dentist, a letter from (me!) Sandra, tvgp
K, so admittedly it's been.. 15? Possibly 20 years since I've been to a dentist office. And truth be told, the only reason I'm comin' in now is because I'm experiencing chronic low level pain which requires me to chew on only one side of my mouth, and avoid any liquids that aren't room temperature. And I have the love and encouragement of my sexy.. family and friends. I know i need this pain addressed. More importantly though, I'm sure my mouth requires more work and therefore more expense..and as I have no dental insurance, that knowledge hurts too, but it's a different kind of pain.
Anyway.. I entertained the idea very recently, and for the first time, that maybe...
Maybe I should fill out an application and see if there is ANY CHANCE at all that my dental bills could be paid via funds provided by VICTIMS of VIOLENT CRIMES
Because if you review my life experiences, which are well documented within this blog and also within newspaper article
You will learn that:
Age 6 years old I was kidnapped and raped. /predator found by police, already deceased.
Age 16 years old, I was kidnapped and raped. /predator successfully prosecuted, sentenced to 20 years in prison and to be deported to country of origin upon release.
Age 17 years old, I was the number 2 victim of the Lakeside serial rapist, kidnapped at gunpoint, covered up, raped.. /this predator raped several other women; the victim they labeled #1 committed suicide and the victim they consider his last; he raped and killed, and that's when the pattern broke. this predator remained at large.
And in between, I was in a bank when it was robbed and had a gun pointed write at me during that robbery.
- so, I have been a victim of multiple very violent life threatening crimes.
so,
the advantage of time, maturity, perspective allows us all to see..
the severe eating
disorder that manifested in my life.. a direct result of having experienced so much trauma
and the eating disorder positively ruined my teeth.. my mouth holds so much of my traumas..
and I had 20 cavities filled, like 4 and 5 at a time, in my early 20's..
I believe I had dental insurance coverage at that time. I know I had the best dentist in the whole wide world. (RIP Bruce Allen DDS)
but, looking back..
I rather think funds from Victims of Violent Crimes would have been appropriately spent had I been allowed to use them
and hang in here a moment with me, while we briefly discuss crimes and money
criminal vs. civil
because, this being 2020, -the me too, era.. post convictions of celebrities like Bill Cosby.. and Weinstein (sp?)
well, there are a lot of victims of rape, of sexual assault receiving financial settlements..
money.
now, i'll share with you here i am still quite unsettled and in prayer
frequently! about it..
how, I never was in a position to sue for money, not one of my predators. actually, never even thought or considered it
rape is a crime; a hideous CRIME ; CRIME! CRIME! CRIMINAL not CIVIL...
rape predators belong behind bars where they cannot claim new victims; period.
but.. and so, we have these victims suing in court and winning $$$
so, now..
i can't make sense of it..
let's say you know someone who was raped..
"did a poor man rape you? is the predator still at large? you've been raped then, like, to the second power"
which, in my case..
sorry, in my casES…
no one to financially gain from..
now, i'm left with the thoughts... not only was i a victim of violent crimeS.. but even worse!
like,
my God, are we supposed to consider people who are raped by rich people -lucky? should a predator rapist be able to remain in society for a dollar amount? this is scary stuff
my stomach is churning..
the place I return to the most in my imagination, is that any financial settlements, any civil cases which result in financial payouts.. the total amount should go to Victims of Violent Crimes Fund -with a portion to specific victim(s). it seems to me this would create a disincentive for anyone to claim they were raped, when they were not, just for financial gain.. and it balances out, to some degree, financial aid received by ALL victims, and that amount is no longer attached to the financial status of a given predator/criminal. it's actually very complicated to think it all through; but I am inclined to think about it thoroughly
anyway..
back to letter to the dentist,
i have been a student of my own mind during the very long, very hard, very messy, very taxing, healing process
and here's the deal:
i must provide you a script, that whether it is true from your end makes no difference
and here is your script; this is what i require you to say to my mind
"
wow! your mouth and your teeth are in excellent condition when you consider everything they've been through!"
and then,
dear dentist,
you will.. that is, we will, ADDRESS ONE AND ONLY ONE ISSUE AT A TIME.
even if there is more work to be done, i do not..
and I do not want Robert either to know about anything except one thing at a time.
so, this tooth that is in chronic low level pain write now..
let's take just that one... make an appointment to fix it
i will pay for just that one thing, and when it is paid in full. we will move on to the next...
but always only one issue at a time. I know longer have the stamina to sit in a dentist chair for several procedures at a time..
***
if you can be in agreement and honor this requirement (it is not a mere request)
then, I will see you soon.
if for any reason it is against your own personal/professional code; i understand and will look to someone else.
***
In Jesus Name.. amen.
