SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

MOUTH FULL OF SILVER by (me!) sandra, tvgp

the thing that stands out, is dr. allen's face. the way he looked at me, and i could cry just thinking about it

he'd been my dentist for many years, and i'm not sure on this, but i believe i went from infancy to age 18 with a total of 3 or 4 cavities; maybe less

and i knew in advance it wasn't going to be good, i knew it wasn't going to be good, because my mouth felt so awful. my teeth ached everyday and when i jogged or ran short distances, it felt like they might all fall out; not normal for 19 years of age

dr. allen was -who knows- in his 40's at the time. everyone's favorite dentist.. gregarious, funny, full of personality. up until this day he had always joked and innocently flirted with me

and on this day, BEFORE he xrayed my mouth, he said something like, "when i saw your name in the appointment book.. made it a good day to come to work. see how i dressed up for you"

and then he'd laugh because he was wearing the same white coat he always wore. "you're my favorite patient, sandy"

and i thought maybe i really was, if for no other reason than i laughed so easily and readily at his every joke. -and don't you know how awful it is

how awful it is to let down the people you've come to love. i could hear him from the other room,

"my God!, what happen?!? -what happen?!?" -and then he reentered the room where i sat, reclined in terror

"what happen sandy? ... you have 20 cavities! 20!!"

and the only excuse i could improv at the time was, "i quit smoking.. switched to lifesavers and gum. i've been chewing gum non-stop"

i did know he might be checking me for signs of anorexia/bulimia.. but i also knew i showed absolutely no signs.. no signs of making myself vomit, no signs of dramatic weight loss or gain. no scratches inside my mouth on my gums, no bulging, strained eyes

"sandy," he told me, with such a look of disappointment, bewilderment, shock, confusion, "even if you chewed 12 packs of sugar gum a day it would not result in 20 cavities, this doesn't make sense"

but i stuck to my story and made several appointments; having 2 or 3 cavities filled at a time, until all 20 teeth were embarrassed with silver.

and he was not out to humiliate me, so each time i returned we skipped any conversation about how this happened and stuck with light-hearted jokes.

"you might want to start smoking again," he said once, -and i think that helped me to laugh again.

how i ended up with 20 cavities in one year, is a difficult story to share. they are memories i'm very careful about visiting, and what has triggered this out of me at 2:43 a.m. post historical inauguration day is anybody's guess

but i honor these things as they come

told out of the greater context of my life, this will sound crazy/sad/gross, but, put into context, as is true with almost every human life; it all makes sense.

how i ended up with 20 cavities in one year involves spending hundreds of dollars at the local hostess discount bakery

everyday, $3 to $5 dollars on cupcakes, donuts, candybars. at the regular grocery store $3-$5 might not yield much, but at the local hostess discount bakery, and especially if you hit the "day old" discount bin

i could walk out with a brown bag overflowing with junk. -hours worth of junk food.

i went several times a week to the local hostess discount bakery store. -i made up stories in my mind, of how the gray haired ladies at the register explained my ongoing purchases amongst themselves

they never asked me. but in case they ever did, i had it all planned out that i would say i bought and resold the junk food to the high school kids for extra income.

and even though they never asked, and even though i had a good story up my sleeves, still i became quite self-conscious about making so many trips, so many purchases at this local hostess discount bakery store

so i started to wear disguises. husband's shirt, hat, sunglasses one day; school girl dress and sunglasses the next day; sweats, sunglasses and even a changed voice at the register the next.

but i knew they knew, and they knew they knew, but, just like with dr. allen, everyone seemed to know not to ask or talk about it.

i'd always panic on my drive home. terrified i'd get in a car accident, and have to explain the brown bags filled with junk food to the police officers and my husband

it was an exhausting effort to keep this all secret, but i did. my entire life was consumed with planning my disguises and trips to the bakery, hiding the junk food, -and then waiting, impatiently, for time alone.

always waiting for friends and family to LEAVE. for my husband to LEAVE for work. always preoccupied with finding ways and time to be alone with my big bags of junk food.

and when at last i was alone; the swishing ritual began:

the largest plastic cup in the house in my lap. the bag of junk food by my side. and one by one, cupcake by cupcake, candybar by candybar, donut by donut

i chewed but never swallowed. would take bites, and swish the food in my mouth until it liquified and then spit it out into a giant plastic cup. when the cup was full, i'd walk over to the sink, pour it down the garbage disposal, go back to my seat and start again

until every last junk food was gone. then i'd take all the garbage, and walk blocks away to place the wrappers and brown bag where no one would find it; in someone else's garbage can.

a bizarre ritual indeed. -a non-addictive addiction- because my whole life revolved around the shopping, the hiding, waiting to be alone, the swishing, the hiding and the waiting again

to be alone. do it again.

there was something so calming, numbing about this swishing ritual. a trance i entered.


my shame grew with every trip to the bakery; every swishing ceremony; every time i hid the wrappers. my shame grew so large that when i'd go to the sink to pour the liquified contents down the garbage disposal, i'd stay there a moment trying to figure out how i could go down with it

wanted to just climb in the garbage disposal, turn the switch, and disappear.

but instead i swished some more.

and i will never forget getting caught by my husband. -how he left for work.. and i got straight to swishing.. the big bag of junk food to the side of the chair, the giant plastic cup in my lap, my hands unwrapping a six pack of donuts

and in walks my husband. -pretending he forgot his keys. -or wallet. i can't remember.

but i do remember his face. the shock.

"what are you doing?!?" -and not with compassion, not with compassion

but with embarrassment, shame, humiliation, disappointment, anger, he tells me

"you have a disease!"

and he didn't want anyone to know about my disease. -and that's when i knew all the shame i felt was justified.

i was a monster. an ugly monster with a disease. an ugly monster with a disease and 20 cavities.

and i felt that way for a long, long, long, time.

it would be years before i saw this with compassionate eyes.. before i said to myself, before i realized, before i let in

that perhaps my swishing ritual was not a disease, but a symptom. -a strange symptom of post traumatic stress disorder

because when i put it in context.. when i repeat in my mind: kidnap/rape; alcoholic step father; gangs; kidnap/rape; robbery; kidnap/rape -the violence, the guns, the life or death tragedies back to back to back

and allow myself to process the multiple traumas i survived. it makes perfect sense to me, anyway,

that i might try and escape and anesthetize myself any way that worked.

and once i let that in.. once i had the ability to see my behavior with compassion and not shame, a tiny little piece of my self-esteem returned. -a pebble. -a grain of sand.

a mouth full of silver and a grain of sand.

which as it turns out, -gave me something to work with.

posted by SHE @ 9:46 AM 11 comments

Dear Dentist, a letter from (me!) Sandra, tvgp

K, so admittedly it's been.. 15? Possibly 20 years since I've been to a dentist office.  And truth be told, the only reason I'm comin' in now is because I'm experiencing chronic low level pain which requires me to chew on only one side of my mouth, and avoid any liquids that aren't room temperature. And I have the love and encouragement of my sexy..   family and friends.  I know i need this pain addressed.  More importantly though, I'm sure my mouth requires more work and therefore more expense..and as I have no dental insurance, that knowledge hurts too, but it's a different kind of pain.
 Anyway..  I entertained the idea very recently, and for the first time, that maybe...

Maybe I should fill out an application and see if there is ANY CHANCE at all that my dental bills could be paid via funds provided by VICTIMS of VIOLENT CRIMES

Because if you review my life experiences, which are well documented within this blog and also within newspaper article

You will learn that:


Age 6 years old I was kidnapped and raped. /predator found by police, already deceased.

Age 16 years old, I was kidnapped and raped.  /predator successfully prosecuted, sentenced to 20 years in prison and to be deported to country of origin upon release.

Age 17 years old, I was the number 2 victim of the Lakeside serial rapist, kidnapped at gunpoint, covered up, raped..  /this predator raped several other women; the victim they labeled #1 committed suicide and the victim they consider his last; he raped and killed, and that's when the pattern broke. this predator remained at large.

And in between, I was in a bank when it was robbed and had a gun pointed write at me during that robbery.

- so, I have been a victim of multiple very violent life threatening crimes.

so,

the advantage of time, maturity, perspective allows us all to see..

the severe eating disorder that manifested in my life..    a direct result of having experienced so much trauma

and the eating disorder positively ruined my teeth..     my mouth holds so much of my traumas..

and I had 20 cavities filled, like 4 and 5 at a time, in my early 20's..

I believe I had dental insurance coverage at that time.  I know I had the best dentist in the whole wide world.  (RIP Bruce Allen DDS)

but, looking back..

I rather think funds from Victims of Violent Crimes would have been appropriately spent had I been allowed to use them

and hang in here a moment with me, while we briefly discuss crimes and money

criminal vs. civil

because, this being 2020,  -the me too, era..   post convictions of celebrities like Bill Cosby..  and Weinstein (sp?)

well, there are a lot of victims of rape, of sexual assault receiving financial settlements..

money.

now, i'll share with you here i am still quite unsettled and in prayer

frequently!  about it..

how, I never was in a position to sue for money, not one of my predators.    actually, never even thought or considered it

rape is a crime; a hideous CRIME    ;   CRIME! CRIME! CRIMINAL not CIVIL...

rape predators belong behind bars where they cannot claim new victims; period.

but..  and so, we have these victims suing in court and winning $$$

so, now..

i can't make sense of it..

let's say you know someone who was raped..

"did a poor man rape you?   is the predator still at large?  you've been raped then, like,  to the second power"

which, in my case..

sorry, in my casES…

no one to financially gain from..

now, i'm left with the thoughts... not only was i a victim of violent crimeS..  but even worse!

like,

my God, are we supposed to consider people who are raped by rich people    -lucky?   should a predator rapist be able to remain in society for a dollar amount?   this is scary stuff

my stomach is churning..  

the place I return to the most in my imagination, is that any financial settlements, any civil cases which result in financial payouts..  the total amount should go to Victims of Violent Crimes Fund  -with a portion to specific victim(s).    it seems to me this would create a disincentive for anyone to claim they were raped, when they were not, just for financial gain..   and it balances out, to some degree, financial aid received by ALL victims, and that amount is no longer attached to the financial status of a given predator/criminal.    it's actually very complicated to think it all through; but I am inclined to think about it thoroughly

anyway..

back to letter to the dentist,

i have been a student of my own mind during the very long, very hard, very messy, very taxing, healing process

and here's the deal:

i must provide you a script, that whether it is true from your end makes no difference

and here is your script; this is what i require you to say to my mind

"wow!  your mouth and your teeth are in excellent condition when you consider everything they've been through!"

and then,

dear dentist,

you will..   that is, we will, ADDRESS ONE AND ONLY ONE ISSUE AT A TIME.

even if there is more work to be done, i do not..

and I do not want Robert either to know about anything except one thing at a time.

so, this tooth that is in chronic low level pain write now..

let's take just that one...   make an appointment to fix it

i will pay for just that one thing, and when it is paid in full.   we will move on to the next...

but always only one issue at a time.    I know longer have the stamina to sit in a dentist chair for several procedures at a time..
***

if you can be in agreement and honor this requirement  (it is not a mere request)

then, I will see you soon.

if for any reason it is against your own personal/professional code; i understand and will look to someone else.

***

In Jesus Name..     amen.

posted by SANDRA MICKANEN @ 10:47 AM 0 comments

CENTERPOINTE TESTIMONY the final draft, as shared by (me!) sandra, tvgp

there were a few different incarnations -but this is the final draft as shared by me, sunday, nov 21st, 2010 at centerpointe presbyterian

-and wanna know what i heard Jesus whisper to me on my way home:

"sandra, honey, you wrote the speech, you practiced the speech, you showed up and you gave the speech. that's a 3+ from me"


****


I am sharing my testimony because I want to publically thank God for making a new creature out of me.

let me start by telling you about a few traumas i've endured, and what a broken mess my life once was

at age 6, a masked man broke into our home during the night.. he kidnapped me from my bedroom -carried me through our house, out the back door, and then back into our garage where I was sexually violated, threatened, and then -thank you God- set free

the police were contacted immediately -did fingerprinting & interviews.. and in fact, did learn who the predator was... tracked him down, only to learn that he had already been murdered in a separate conflict.

so this was my introduction to evil... age 6: a masked man breaking into our house in the middle of the night...

my mom did an awesome job helping me navigate through my fears, and with the predator no longer alive.. this at least helped remove fears he would be back to attack me again, as he had threatened

so, it’s yucky, i know... but it would get worse before it got better

at age 16, a man who was not masked.. who in fact, appeared regular, kind, and interested in me.. who i shared almost everything in common with..

well, he in fact, turned out to be a serial date rapists.. telling lies left and right, entrapping females -as he did me. and long story short, he successfully manipulated me into visiting his apartment, which was vacant.. and which is where he raped me... threatened me.. and -thank God- eventually set me free

again, this was reported to the police immediately -turned out, he had been reported several times by others but never brought to court and prosecuted -the police already had his profile & picture in their wanted files

thank you to the support of friends & family & a great d.a. -we did prosecute, and this serial date rapist was sentenced to 20 years in prison -to be deported to his country of origin after he served his sentence, because he was in the u.s. illegally

and know here, it is locked in my brain, that predators –that evil –well, maybe it wears a mask and breaks into your house in the middle of the night, or maybe it wears no mask at all, but lies and manipulates behind a fake smile with fake stories
so, yucky again, i know, but it would still get worse, before it got better

about a year later -i was in a parking lot at the lakeside apartments in san leandro, and as i walking heard footsteps behind me... I turned around only to have a gun shoved in the side of my head

i was kidnapped at gunpoint... covered up/raped/threatened.. only seeing the face of the predator for about 1 second..

this serial rapist -the lakeside rapist- kidnapped and raped a whole string of women in & around san leandro, -murdering his last victim, but was never caught by police

so now.. maybe evil wears a mask and breaks into your house in the middle of the night. or maybe evil wears no mask at all, or maybe evil sneaks up behind you with a gun.

you will not be surprised then, if i tell you that in the aftermath of these traumas -in addition to the few I’m leaving out for the sake of time
my life was quite a big scary mess.

i suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for years... only, at the time, it was not a household word.. so my PTSD went undiagnosed & untreated

but i've always felt i have more in common with war veterans than my fellow mommy friends..


if you looked back on me during the aftermath of these traumas, you would see i mostly functioned -or rather, barely functioned, in one of two states:

1) fear
2) numbness

i smoked several packs of cigarettes a day... and had an eating disorder that lasted several years and resulted in my having over 20 cavities to fill..

i was chronically hypervigilant... falling into fetal position -frozen in fear, when faced with unexpected sounds, or changes of any kind

mess. mess. mess.

broken. broken. broken.

today, however... i can report with much gratitude to God, that i am a genuinely happy, healthy, joyful, playful, creative, peaceful, proud mom of two...

-my double portion- i like to call them... you know for rape victims, the taboos/stigma's leave us with a great deal of shame... it is a very unwarranted, entirely unjustified shame, but shame nonetheless

so i feel particularly fond of the bible passage isaiah 61:7 "instead of shame and dishonor you will enjoy a double portion of prosperity & everlasting joy will be yours" -i like to think of my daughter, and my son, as my double-portion.. my blessings.. my everlasting joy


and i'm also very fond of isaiah 61:3... because I feel i've been given a crown of beauty for my ashes.. joyous instead of mourning.. praised now, instead of shamed & isolated -planted for God's glory

that i have quite literally, been through the fire & am now reborn; i am a very new creature

i do not smoke -haven't for years. and while I don’t have the greatest eating habits, i am entirely free of any & all eating disorders...

i am relatively, but not completely, free of the phobias and PTSD that plagued me for decades

i did not know, during the heart of my suffering, that how peaceful, joyful, alive and free, i feel today, was even humanly possible

and have learned that in fact, it is not "humanly" possible -but that all things are made possible with God..

i'm living testimony of this biblical truth.

so -thank you God- for listening to my prayers -for working through my family, friends, to heal me.. to restore me -to make me a new creature

your promise is fulfilled in me:

romans 8:28 -we know that God causes everything -including suffering- to ultimately, work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

in regard to being someone who does love God, i want to close by sharing that while prayer was and has been a central part of my life for as far back as i can remember -I only began attending church regularly some 4 years ago, thank you to my sister and best friend Karin Montgomery. I went initially to support her, but the messages i heard from Pastor Mike and lessons i learned at what was then -Pleasanton Presbyterian, combined with the warmth and good feel of the people here -kept me returning Sunday after Sunday for more.

and it was not until this past February -Valentines Day, 2010, that I was baptized write here by Pastor Mike, at age 44, and officially, publically gave my heart to Jesus.

It seems the more I learn, the more I want to learn, and some months ago, I added on Monday night bible studies too, where i have met some of the most loving and caring people and bible mentors

i want you to know, i initially found the bible complicated my relationship with God vs. served it... because prayer seem so uncomplicated and direct

but i keep hanging in there

and i am slowing finding that my love for God grows deeper as my knowledge about God increases

in fact, that holds true for all of my loved ones

so, thank you! thank you for making Centerpointe a welcoming environment where i can learn and grow in my relationship with God. Where i can grow my knowledge and understanding of the bible. And Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you today

In Jesus Name, hallelujah & amen

posted by SHE @ 4:56 AM 3 comments

red means stop. green means go! -memory of my arrest.. (me!) sandra, tvgp #hayward #garin

awesome day in Hayward yesterday with my mom & rick..   more later, but among the highlights..  well, I asked rick if he would please pull over, I needed to take a picture of the exact location where I was once arrested..     -for grand theft auto.  yes.  (me!)..    your favorite cussing Christian.   my mom said, "tell us what happened again..."   and I was like...  "it's too exhausting..."   I briefly shared.. but, I do have it here in the blogosphere and the picture below, is the very intersection where I learned the lesson   


-didn't I just get done sharing how every single lesson ive learned; ive learned the very hard way.  -true story.   the difference now, is that there are   -arrow- shaped green lights...  which = safe to turn left.   that didn't exist in 1981.   in 1981, I did what the red car here is doing.. only.. 

there was an animal control truck who had the write of way.

 
IJNA.


also..       while in Hayward..    we also toured past the bank I was in, during an armed robbery    -and my mom was very surprised to see "there is still a pixie donuts!"  but the barber shop is gone, and the bank has changed names, and been redesigned...




and,

perry's liquors..  my mom loves to tell the story of how she brought my jr. high picture to the store manager and made them hang it near the register...    "she is not allowed to buy cigarettes!"


and this is quite out of order, but earlier...

we drove past holiday bowl...  boarded up/closed.   and the vacant lot where valle vista roller rink used to be..    remember that story?  I was in a gang...


fun times. 

and sometimes..  the only way to appreciate any of this, is to know me now, at age 51..  how tame, and kind, and hard-working, and honest I am.    how,   -almost normal I am.   and then to contrast that with a bullet point list:

smoker
teen age pregnancy/miscarriage
suicide plans x3
arrested for grand theft auto
ran away to santa monica on greyhound, with a pocket knife and change
in a gang
high school drop out with ambition of being a traveling gypsy
kidnapped/raped 3 different times, by 3 different predators
in a bank during armed robbery
boyfriends of every variety
eating disorders
20 cavities
married/divorced 2 1/2 times


and, now..     when I consider how I'm sometimes described..   the gray-haired lady with a tattoo on her face..


only those who know me well can laugh and smile...

& Jesus loves me; this I know...

***

look where else we went:   and may I say for the record...   "thank you!" because anytime I order a hot fudge sundae, I always ask for 3 parts hot fudge and 1 part ice cream...  but rarely is that request honored..     dairy bell did it write though!    delicious...

   /that's my mom & rick...  cute couple aren't they.    and a lady did ask me, while I was there, what my tattoo stood for


"conquer the world with kindness."     -and people always respond favorably to that.



and before we went to dairy belle...   look where else we went:   

posted by SHE @ 9:19 AM 0 comments

turn this silver into GOLD. prays (me!) sandra, tvgp

  God I love this selfie!

***

I said to my sexy, I said without a smile, "see this silver here   -it opens about a dozen traumatic memories

but I am immune to their negative effects"

***

write about now is when my spiritual training really starts paying off; yielding great results, because when I was brushing my teeth, and in the mirror noticed..

prior to my spiritual training, I would have maybe said,  "God Damn it"  and been all preoccupied with worry, concern, fear...  dread..

but that thought; none of those thoughts,  even entered my mind

write away,  

and especially after so recently watching Joyce Meyer, and revisiting her lessons on finding the treasures in your trials

write away, I looked at it and said, "GOD BLESS IT"    /but with the same tone people say God Damn it.

anyway,

I had all my silver covered in white, via some cosmetic dentistry many years ago..

and apparently   -well,  some white has gone missing. I did not feel it when it happened, I just noticed when I brushed my teeth

and I have not even been to a dentist since...   2005?      when you are living under the poverty line, job here, job there,  -no medical/dental benefits of any kind for a decade +

being able to see a dentist for 6 months check-ups isn't something you budget for; at least I sure didn't.      brush, occasionally floss, rinse with 6 benefits in 1 listerine; keep prayin'

see a dentist only in the case of an emergency; only if you absolutely have to

and "Thank You! Jesus"    -I haven't had to

***

but,  -if you read me; if you've read me for any length

you understand about cerebral hyperlinks    -and so here are just a few, of who knows how many, which opened when I noticed the white, which was cosmetically covering my silver   - was gone:

Mouth Full of Silver
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=20+cavities

Bruce Allen
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=bruce+allen


Silver Bullets
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=silver+bullets

Mom~mosa
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=mom%7Emosa

The Book of Eli & Hostess Cupcakes

Why I cried all the way home

Green mile cable man

Identify! Identify! Identify!

He Has A Name

LSR

and there are more, but that is sufficient.

***

also, I have a couple memories  -which lean positive,  -84 charing cross road, and Helene with her dental issues..

and this one:  Meet Lilly, and then Jan and Larry Brown   (one of my personal favorites from when I was writing for the patch)

makes me smile.    ~writers.

***

anyway, when I took the selfie which I knew would accompany this post

I cropped it and flipped it upside down

"AWESOME! THANK YOU JESUS!"    -because, in thumbprint size, from a specific distance and specific angle

it looks to me, like two hands are cradling a small eyeless face, with its mouth stretched wide open, -leaning back in a dental chair, preparing for work to be done  -and appears to be a person with an oversized adams apple   -and something about it also reminds me of the famous, the scream, painting



anyway..

as an artist, a writer, a survivor

there is an internal thing that happens, and the feeling, if I try to describe it

if I use words,   -perfect!   like, I have just landed the exact write picture to capture and express and complement my post.  I am very pleased.   very pleased with this selfie.

***

"Dear Jesus..   Turn this silver into gold"    -I love you,   amen.

posted by SHE @ 8:46 AM 0 comments

All paths lead to HOSTESS for (me!) sandra, tvgp

I recently revisited Hayward and the area where Dr Bruce Allen, the best, most gregarious, humorous, wonderful dentist in the world..  once worked.  The office on Tennyson Avenue  I returned to several times to have my 20 cavities filled.

posted by SHE @ 7:34 PM 0 comments

SILVER BULLETS more memories for (me!) sandra, tvgp

i have to work at remembering the better memories. the 1st two to surface are

1) it was your apartment i was on my way to when some predator in a hooded jacket stuck a pistol to my head

2) i was living with/married to you during my very bizarre food disorder habit -and i remember you coming home and catching me

and you seemed so ashamed and disgusted by me.. the way you said, "you have a disease!"

and in fairness to everyone.. no one even knew about PTSD at that time.. but i learned a great deal about it as time went on

now i feel like an expert.

and since being in touch with sue~sue.. (thanks be to God!) i've been down memory lane, in both directions, several times now

but do you know there is a whole chunk of my memory missing. -there are so many things, if you say a certain name, or give me some type of trigger, i can recall with great detail

but the memory of sue~sue living in the same apartment complex when we were first married.

-it is totally gone.

i've tried every which way to remember that.. but it was during that time, my whole brain was consumed with -everyone just leave -go away

clear the room. i must be alone.

so i can sit down with my bag of hostess treats.

my brain was consumed with finding the time to get to the hostess discount bakery

consumed with what disguise i should wear

what excuse i would give the ladies at the register, if they inquired about my daily bulk purchases

what excuse i would give the police, and you, if i got in a car accident on the way to or from the discount bakery -how would i explain all this junk food?

consumed with anxiety for wanting to be alone

consumed with worry someone would catch me...

but what a peace -numbing peace- i knew each time i sat and ritualistically unwrapped my hostess something.. chew, chew, chew

let it liquify -spit it in the cup.

fill up the cup.

go to the sink -dump it down the disposal.

wish i could go down the disposal with it.

go back to the chair.. unwrap, chew, spit some more.

did you know i ended up with 20 cavitites?

and for years.. many, many years

when i would accidentally catch a glimpse of my own laughter in the mirror... and i could see my whole mouth lined in silver..

well, it just triggered every ugly memory i have about my life.

-so, when the new technology.. products came out

and i learned you could get white fillings to replace your silver ones...

well, thank you to my 2nd husband and his dental insurance coverage. i had that done.

and it is hard to describe how significantly that contributed to my healing.

but i just love, love, love, not ever having to see that silver in my mouth anymore.

it made me think, on a deeper level

about how some cosmetic surgeons.. they can repair a woman's face after domestic abuse

and how.. its not as easy as 1, 2, 3

because there is a part of the woman who struggles with deservedness

and it took me a while -to justify in my own mind, whether i deserved to have my cavities replaced

this vain, cosmetic thing.

-someone else's money.

but i am so, so, glad i did it. it really worked as a way to lift my self-esteem.

but my God

when i total it up... the money, the time, the energy -everything

from the onset of this bizarre eating disorder -to the many, many dentists appointments to have the original cavities filled

to the cosmetic change.. and all those visits. -terrible waste of precious time.

***

did you know that today

here in the tri valley, for example. -if a woman has the great misfortune of being a rape victim

she can go to our local hospital, where there are nurses/doctors specifically trained to care for her.. specifically trained to provide her exam in a way that respects her traumatic state and at the same time, collects crucial information regarding her health, and evidence necessary for the police

and in addition to the trained nurses and doctors

there are volunteers from the tri valley haven -sexual assault response team volunteers-

who will come and just be by the victim for support.. just be there, holding her hand, while she endures what she must

and she'll receive a care-bag with a teddy bear, and blanket.. care items, and literature which can educate her, and her family/loved ones, about what to expect

and they are available by phone 24/7, if she has any needs at all

and they will accompany her during police interviews, court hearings.. constant loving, compassionate, support

and i don't know how many doctors implement this yet

but they do have/know about medicines which can prevent the onset of post traumatic stress disorder


-these kinds of things would have been very helpful when i was 6, 16, 17...

but today just leave me with grand appreciation they exists at all, for victims today.

a lot of people have worked (do work) hard behind the scenes to make all these services available.

and in addition to God, my family/friends..

i will use this upcoming thanksgiving to pray on my gratitude for the wonderful people who make these compassionate services possible

and thank God in advance for all the people who are currently working on reducing/stoping violence in our world.

posted by SHE @ 9:47 AM 3 comments