GREEN MILE CABLE MAN memory for (me!) sandra, tvgp
this is an encore post. originally written/posted march 24th, 2010, under the title: almost a year ago.
***
reason: my email has been down for several days. i will not bore you with the several phone calls, the two different service visits -the amount of time, energy it has taken to correct what should have been a simple change of address
but, pause to thank comcast here.. my handsome prince of sexiness, my sister, and comcast helper today.. mike.. who saw the problem all the complicated way through to its resolution. /ruby hill wine on its way...
***
and as i've mentioned... our brains -how they work (or don't work) -novel experiences, memories, analogies, links and triggers
those are the fundamentals.
in this case.. of course having a cable man visit me in my new home triggers the memory of the visit when i lived with my sister -and my handsome prince.. he asked me, "so what's the green mile cable man about?"
my typical answer "i do a better job writing about it, than telling it... i'll repost it for you"
he says, "give me the short version."
i can only smile and say, "there is no short version."
so.. for you my sexiness -and may isay, that with you here with me...
having you here with me.
i have no words for how comforting, reassuring and wonderful it is. "thank you!" "i love you!"
here's the read:
*****
ALMOST A YEAR AGO ****
that's the first point i need to make.
it's taken me almost a year to be able to write this
and
i'm not entirely sure enough time has passed, but it seems to want out, so let me honor that here and now:
i'm alone in the house -new to me, and a cable man is due to set things up/fix my
internet connection
when i hear the knock, i open the door expecting to see average
joe cable man, and
OH MY GODthere at the door is a -GIANT, BLACK cable man; maybe. i don't mean
maybe he's a giant, or maybe he was black; those are facts. what i mean, is
maybe he's the cable guy;
maybe not.
i'm not exaggerating to say...
well, think green mile, -k-
he's taking up the entire doorway, and holding a clipboard. and wearing a name badge.
let me tell you.. clipboard. name badge.. not enough. how many people are in
cemeteries today because they fell for the clipboard, name badge trick
so my brain is racing -racing!
but not faster than my heart is pounding -pounding! -and he's looking down, not directly at me.
in fact... in
milliseconds, what was taking place, -what seem to be taking place, is that -he-
probably very used to people fearing him on sight. -well, he stood there in complete calm giving me time to adjust to his appearance, and decide whether i was going to let him in or not
in
milliseconds,
i'm processing...
we called cable.. this
is scheduled... he's on time... does
comcast do security checks/bond their employees? is God testing me.. what the hell am i supposed to do here?!
if he was a bad guy, would he have already scooted me inside
is he carrying a gun i can't see
is this a really bad practical joke
are there any witnesses around
did i tell my children i loved them this morning
what do i do? what do i do? what do i do?
what's more important here...
internet connection or my life?
and so i prayed to mighty God, and let him in. hypersensitive to his energy, hypersensitive to his every move,
hypersensitive to every facial expression
i guided him to the areas that needed cable service.. he looked around for outlets.. and connections and things that cable guys look around for
i'm all the time
sayin' to myself...
if he changes his mind about being a nice guy; i lose.
and
i'm wonderin' to myself, if anyone has ever just flat out refused to let him in their house...
if i should have
why on earth would
comcast even send a green mile man out to people's houses...
and
i'm lockin' in my brain his height, weight, facial features, clothes, shoes, tattoos -in case i live through the ordeal and can even provide such information to the police
and all the while he is calm.
he knows. he knows and he's had to deal with phobics like me his whole life
probably was a giant 10 year old
and let's just acknowledge, that even with the success of the civil rights movement, being a giant black 10 year old, is not the same as being a giant white 10 year old; ditto for adults. -and it ain't write; but that doesn't make it not true.
and now it's about to get worse, because here's a
samplin' of the questions the green mile cable man is asking me
as he heads into our garage:
"any dogs i need to worry about?" i quickly imagine a service call he's made in the past where the family neglected to mention the man-eating dog. how awful that must be.. how
he has to be on
his guard all the time too
i consider how
well, if empathy was a game children played at recess, i would have been the team captain hands-down... but if
thinkin' on your feet and common sense were the game
i'd be the last one chosen every time.
because, common sense says answer like this: "no. our
pitbulls are at the neighbors write now because we knew you were coming ."
i, however, answered like this: "no. you're safe." -because i have no common sense and i can't stop
thinkin' about whether or not he can hear the waves of my adrenalin pounding against my rock for a brain
please don't change your mind about being nice; please don't change your mind...and then, he has to look for some other outlets somewhere, heads toward the backyard, and says,
"any alarm systems i need to worry about?" so, once again, captain of team empathy, i
quickly imagine all the times, and the families who neglected to tell him about alarm systems, and how he's had to explain his presence at a given house when the police team responds to the alarm -how he
is on his guard too
or is he?
captain of the common sense team would say, "it's turned off at the moment"
but no
ooooooo. guess what captain of team empathy says. - yeah...
this is how i KNOW for SURE there is a God protecting me. no one as stupid and honest as i am lives past 12 unless God has good purpose for you on planet earth.
and write about here is where i can start to feel my insides falling all apart, my forearms melting, my knees losing cartilage, and so i called for back-up.
and my sister arrived in less than a minute
so now we have a beautiful blond and her brunette sister in the headlines, "they we were together in everything... weddings, children, divorce..
death.
and so i put in a call also to our police neighbor friend and that help me to start
feelin' a little better
and i was
watchin' for how my sister responded to the green mile cable man
and how the green mile cable man was responding to my sister
and clearly, i was the only nervous one in the circle.
please don't change your mind about being nice...and so that gave me yet another chance to consider things from his point of view.. me; team captain of "
the empathetics" - look for us at the next special
olympics event
i mean,
what would it be like to hang out on planet earth, in
pleasanton, as an over-sized
african american cable/
internet service guy?
can't be easy. -but out of the two of us... he'd win. so, let's remember it's not so easy being me either.
and i imagined, briefly, very briefly, the green mile cable man and myself sharing our life stories over a cold beer at a local pub. and
i'd empathise with his experiences, but then...
i'd share my life experiences with him.. and wouldn't he have a hard time pointing out to me how being a
caucasian female has provided me with any advantages
"it's all a myth, i promise you," slug, slug, "kidnappings, rapes, hostage, bank robberies, car robberies,
broken hearts,
bankruptcy... -and guess who couldn't get any financial help for college? -'
cuz i'm white!"
[snap back]
and he seem to go out of his way to help us feel comfortable... with just a tiny, tiny bit of that awareness inside him, that he could go "boo" -and
i'd fall apart at the seams.
i mean, i think if he spontaneously yawned too big, i would have grabbed my sister by the arm... "RUN! RUN!
-head for the foothills!"
it kept feeling like a test.
a personal test.
to see how far
i've really come since being kidnapped and raped by a black man i only saw for one second. to see how far
i've come since living in the paralyzing fear i did, for so many years after
to see if i was really free of the phobias that kept me prisoner for -ever.
and here's what i know:
had something like this happened 1 day, to 10 months -to maybe up to 15 years after the rape by gunpoint. i would have instinctively slammed that door on the man's face the second i saw him. it would have been as immediate and unstoppable as an eye blink;impulsive; automatic. open, see, slam shut... lock, lock, lock, crawl to the phone; 911
and the post trauma symptoms... hypersensitivity to sound, light, noise; nausea; insomnia; phobias
they would have resurfaced, and
i'd be starting from scratch again. -and it would take many months and/or years to recover
but since it's been over 15 years... in fact, over 20, and since
i've healed as much as i have, and since..
i've learned to trust again
this experience only cost me about a week before i could think any thought i wanted (not preoccupied with fear), sleep fine, go on about my day; my life..
but for that week
i thought about many things..
like, how i asked about his tattoo.. and he said it had to do with "being forgiven for a past life.."
and i said, "that's what they say Jesus died for..."
and it could go either way, couldn't it: he could have just been
toyin' with me.. sensing my fear.. making me wonder about what past life; what exactly did he need forgiveness for? -murder?
or it could have been true
that he had a past life he regretted, a past he needed God and forgiveness for, and now he was a new man, making an honest living for himself and his family
and can this be accomplished without Jesus?
and i wondered
does
comcast hire anyone who has spent time in prison?
does this green mile cable guy still have connections... scout vulnerable houses.. pass on the information... wait a safe amount of time, so there's no longer a connection between his service call, and say,
well, let's not say. let's just briefly -very briefly- imagine.
and i thought about how much blind trust we all need in this world on a day to day basis.
if it's not the cable guy, it's the plumber, it's the house-cleaners, it's the painters, it's the pest control, it's the dry-wall repair guys
the amount of times, renters and/or homeowners, and business owners, for that matter, require service from total strangers is pretty high. if everyone goes phobic/non trusting; entire communities fall apart.
trust.
and of course -reputations are key. reputation of a given company, referral by -trusted- friends/family/neighbors; this all factors in
but trust
for someone like me.
it's a grand accomplishment.
and
i'm in a situation now, where i may have trusted the
wrong someones naively -and
i'm not sure of the consequence; although i don't think they're life-threatening
probably just a pain in the ass for a while
but,
since
i've lived both ways
in complete fear/non-trust
and with trust. i can say with great authority and sincerity; with trust makes life much more worth the living.
but, how much, and who...
how much and who...
how much and who, and where and when...
certainly, based on my experience above, i decided NEVER
NEVER, as in EVER
to let any repair/service person, black, white, yellow, short, tall, beautiful or ugly, inside the house, unless our neighbor and three secret service agents are
you know,
nearby.
such a balance to be had between trusting God and tempting fate...
i don't have it quite figured out yet.
obviously.
but, "thank you!" green mile cable man...
because without you...
i couldn't blog this write now.
__
and in this particular post, i mention race, when i usually -consciously- leave it out.
that's because
i've survived more than one predator, and each predator was a different race, different nationality
they come in all colors; all shapes and sizes
ALMOST A YEAR AGO... for (me!) sandra, tvgp
that's the first point i need to make.
it's taken me almost a year to be able to write this
and
i'm not entirely sure enough time has passed, but it seems to want out, so let me honor that here and now:
i'm alone in the house -new to me, and a cable man is due to set things up/fix my
internet connection
when i hear the knock, i open the door expecting to see average
joe cable man, and
OH MY GODthere at the door is a -GIANT, BLACK cable man; maybe. i don't mean
maybe he's a giant, or maybe he was black; those are facts. what i mean, is
maybe he's the cable guy;
maybe not.
i'm not exaggerating to say...
well, think green mile, -k-
he's taking up the entire doorway, and holding a clipboard. and wearing a name badge.
let me tell you.. clipboard. name badge.. not enough. how many people are in
cemeteries today because they fell for the clipboard, name badge trick
so my brain is racing -racing!
but not faster than my heart is pounding -pounding! -and he's looking down, not directly at me.
in fact... in
milliseconds, what was taking place, -what seem to be taking place, is that -he-
probably very used to people fearing him on sight. -well, he stood there in complete calm giving me time to adjust to his appearance, and decide whether i was going to let him in or not
in
milliseconds,
i'm processing...
we called cable.. this
is scheduled... he's on time... does
comcast do security checks/bond their employees? is God testing me.. what the hell am i supposed to do here?!
if he was a bad guy, would he have already scooted me inside
is he carrying a gun i can't see
is this a really bad practical joke
are there any witnesses around
did i tell my children i loved them this morning
what do i do? what do i do? what do i do?
what's more important here...
internet connection or my life?
and so i prayed to mighty God, and let him in. hypersensitive to his energy, hypersensitive to his every move,
hypersensitive to every facial expression
i guided him to the areas that needed cable service.. he looked around for outlets.. and connections and things that cable guys look around for
i'm all the time
sayin' to myself...
if he changes his mind about being a nice guy; i lose.
and
i'm wonderin' to myself, if anyone has ever just flat out refused to let him in their house...
if i should have
why on earth would
comcast even send a green mile man out to people's houses...
and
i'm lockin' in my brain his height, weight, facial features, clothes, shoes, tattoos -in case i live through the ordeal and can even provide such information to the police
and all the while he is calm.
he knows. he knows and he's had to deal with phobics like me his whole life
probably was a giant 10 year old
and let's just acknowledge, that even with the success of the civil rights movement, being a giant black 10 year old, is not the same as being a giant white 10 year old; ditto for adults. -and it ain't write; but that doesn't make it not true.
and now it's about to get worse, because here's a
samplin' of the questions the green mile cable man is asking me
as he heads into our garage:
"any dogs i need to worry about?" i quickly imagine a service call he's made in the past where the family neglected to mention the man-eating dog. how awful that must be.. how
he has to be on
his guard all the time too
i consider how
well, if empathy was a game children played at recess, i would have been the team captain hands-down... but if
thinkin' on your feet and common sense were the game
i'd be the last one chosen every time.
because, common sense says answer like this: "no. our
pitbulls are at the neighbors write now because we knew you were coming ."
i, however, answered like this: "no. you're safe." -because i have no common sense and i can't stop
thinkin' about whether or not he can hear the waves of my adrenalin pounding against my rock for a brain
please don't change your mind about being nice; please don't change your mind...and then, he has to look for some other outlets somewhere, heads toward the backyard, and says,
"any alarm systems i need to worry about?" so, once again, captain of team empathy, i
quickly imagine all the times, and the families who neglected to tell him about alarm systems, and how he's had to explain his presence at a given house when the police team responds to the alarm -how he
is on his guard too
or is he?
captain of the common sense team would say, "it's turned off at the moment"
but no
ooooooo. guess what captain of team empathy says. - yeah...
this is how i KNOW for SURE there is a God protecting me. no one as stupid and honest as i am lives past 12 unless God has good purpose for you on planet earth.
and write about here is where i can start to feel my insides falling all apart, my forearms melting, my knees losing cartilage, and so i called for back-up.
and my sister arrived in less than a minute
so now we have a beautiful blond and her brunette sister in the headlines, "they we were together in everything... weddings, children, divorce..
death.
and so i put in a call also to our police neighbor friend and that help me to start
feelin' a little better
and i was
watchin' for how my sister responded to the green mile cable man
and how the green mile cable man was responding to my sister
and clearly, i was the only nervous one in the circle.
please don't change your mind about being nice...and so that gave me yet another chance to consider things from his point of view.. me; team captain of "
the empathetics" - look for us at the next special
olympics event
i mean,
what would it be like to hang out on planet earth, in
pleasanton, as an over-sized
african american cable/
internet service guy?
can't be easy. -but out of the two of us... he'd win. so, let's remember it's not so easy being me either.
and i imagined, briefly, very briefly, the green mile cable man and myself sharing our life stories over a cold beer at a local pub. and
i'd empathise with his experiences, but then...
i'd share my life experiences with him.. and wouldn't he have a hard time pointing out to me how being a
caucasian female has provided me with any advantages
"it's all a myth, i promise you," slug, slug, "kidnappings, rapes, hostage, bank robberies, car robberies,
broken hearts,
bankruptcy... -and guess who couldn't get any financial help for college? -'
cuz i'm white!"
[snap back]
and he seem to go out of his way to help us feel comfortable... with just a tiny, tiny bit of that awareness inside him, that he could go "boo" -and
i'd fall apart at the seams.
i mean, i think if he spontaneously yawned too big, i would have grabbed my sister by the arm... "RUN! RUN!
-head for the foothills!"
it kept feeling like a test.
a personal test.
to see how far
i've really come since being kidnapped and raped by a black man i only saw for one second. to see how far
i've come since living in the paralyzing fear i did, for so many years after
to see if i was really free of the phobias that kept me prisoner for -ever.
and here's what i know:
had something like this happened 1 day, to 10 months -to maybe up to 15 years after the rape by gunpoint. i would have instinctively slammed that door on the man's face the second i saw him. it would have been as immediate and unstoppable as an eye blink;impulsive; automatic. open, see, slam shut... lock, lock, lock, crawl to the phone; 911
and the post trauma symptoms... hypersensitivity to sound, light, noise; nausea; insomnia; phobias
they would have resurfaced, and
i'd be starting from scratch again. -and it would take many months and/or years to recover
but since it's been over 15 years... in fact, over 20, and since
i've healed as much as i have, and since..
i've learned to trust again
this experience only cost me about a week before i could think any thought i wanted (not preoccupied with fear), sleep fine, go on about my day; my life..
but for that week
i thought about many things..
like, how i asked about his tattoo.. and he said it had to do with "being forgiven for a past life.."
and i said, "that's what they say Jesus died for..."
and it could go either way, couldn't it: he could have just been
toyin' with me.. sensing my fear.. making me wonder about what past life; what exactly did he need forgiveness for? -murder?
or it could have been true
that he had a past life he regretted, a past he needed God and forgiveness for, and now he was a new man, making an honest living for himself and his family
and can this be accomplished without Jesus?
and i wondered
does
comcast hire anyone who has spent time in prison?
does this green mile cable guy still have connections... scout vulnerable houses.. pass on the information... wait a safe amount of time, so there's no longer a connection between his service call, and say,
well, let's not say. let's just briefly -very briefly- imagine.
and i thought about how much blind trust we all need in this world on a day to day basis.
if it's not the cable guy, it's the plumber, it's the house-cleaners, it's the painters, it's the pest control, it's the dry-wall repair guys
the amount of times, renters and/or homeowners, and business owners, for that matter, require service from total strangers is pretty high. if everyone goes phobic/non trusting; entire communities fall apart.
trust.
and of course -reputations are key. reputation of a given company, referral by -trusted- friends/family/neighbors; this all factors in
but trust
for someone like me.
it's a grand accomplishment.
and
i'm in a situation now, where i may have trusted the
wrong someones naively -and
i'm not sure of the consequence; although i don't think they're life-threatening
probably just a pain in the ass for a while
but,
since
i've lived both ways
in complete fear/non-trust
and with trust. i can say with great authority and sincerity; with trust makes life much more worth the living.
but, how much, and who...
how much and who...
how much and who, and where and when...
certainly, based on my experience above, i decided NEVER
NEVER, as in EVER
to let any repair/service person, black, white, yellow, short, tall, beautiful or ugly, inside the house, unless our neighbor and three secret service agents are
you know,
nearby.
such a balance to be had between trusting God and tempting fate...
i don't have it quite figured out yet.
obviously.
but, "thank you!" green mile cable man...
because without you...
i couldn't blog this write now.
__
and in this particular post, i mention race, when i usually -consciously- leave it out.
that's because
i've survived more than one predator, and each predator was a different race, different nationality
they come in all colors; all shapes and sizes
turn this silver into GOLD. prays (me!) sandra, tvgp
God I love this selfie!
***
I said to my sexy, I said without a smile, "see this silver here -it opens about a dozen traumatic memories
but I am immune to their negative effects"
***
write about now is when my spiritual training really starts paying off; yielding great results, because when I was brushing my teeth, and in the mirror noticed..
prior to my spiritual training, I would have maybe said, "God Damn it" and been all preoccupied with worry, concern, fear... dread..
but that thought; none of those thoughts, even entered my mind
write away,
and especially after so recently watching Joyce Meyer, and revisiting her lessons on
finding the treasures in your trials
write away, I looked at it and said, "
GOD BLESS IT" /but with the same tone people say God Damn it.
anyway,
I had all my silver covered in white, via some cosmetic dentistry many years ago..
and apparently -well, some white has gone missing. I did not feel it when it happened, I just noticed when I brushed my teeth
and I have not even been to a dentist since... 2005? when you are living under the poverty line, job here, job there, -no medical/dental benefits of any kind for a decade +
being able to see a dentist for 6 months check-ups isn't something you budget for; at least I sure didn't. brush, occasionally floss, rinse with 6 benefits in 1 listerine; keep prayin'
see a dentist only in the case of an emergency; only if you absolutely have to
and "Thank You! Jesus" -I haven't
had to
***
but, -if you read me; if you've read me for any length
you understand about cerebral hyperlinks -and so here are just a few, of who knows how many, which opened when I noticed the white, which was cosmetically covering my silver - was gone:
Mouth Full of Silver
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=20+cavities
Bruce
Allen
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=bruce+allen
Silver Bullets
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=silver+bullets
Mom~
mosa
https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=mom%7Emosa
The Book of Eli &
Hostess Cupcakes
Why I
cried all the way home
Green
mile cable man
Identify!
Identify! Identify!
He Has A
Name
LSR
and there are more, but that is sufficient.
***
also, I have a couple memories -which lean positive, -84 charing cross road, and Helene with her dental issues..
and this one: Meet
Lilly, and then Jan and Larry Brown (one of my personal favorites from when I was writing for the patch)
makes me smile. ~writers.
***
anyway, when I took the selfie which I knew would accompany this post
I cropped it and flipped it upside down
"AWESOME! THANK YOU JESUS!" -because, in thumbprint size, from a specific distance and specific angle
it looks to me, like two hands are cradling a small eyeless face, with its mouth stretched wide open, -leaning back in a dental chair, preparing for work to be done -and appears to be a person with an oversized adams apple -and something about it also reminds me of the famous, the scream, painting
anyway..
as an artist, a writer, a survivor
there is an internal thing that happens, and the feeling, if I try to describe it
if I use words, -perfect! like, I have just landed the exact write picture to capture and express and complement my post. I am very pleased. very pleased with this selfie.
***
"Dear Jesus.. Turn this silver into gold" -I love you, amen.
Learning how and when to lie. By (me!) Sandra, tvgp
Honest to a fault. -it fits me. I've mentioned before.. My honesty is not born from morality or righteousness. It is because I do not have, have not properly developed, what I consider a very important life skill.
I am not however 100% honest.. Its just that necessary lies, that come quickly, easily, and naturally to others..
They come to me very slowly, painfully, awkward..
I thought of this again when a customer came into the store.. A beautiful young woman who by appearance and behavior, I knew had down syndrome.. Or something on the spectrum thereof..
Entirely delightful to talk to, but I realized quickly she had absolutely no understanding about the value of money..
(Mine I would describe as limited).
She purchased an item which cost under $10, but when handing me a $20 bill, was not sure whether that was enough to cover the cost.
I let her know it was.. And provided her correct change. She took my picture.. And I shared with her some of my found heart photographs..
Anyway.. The way life is.. Even if you don't know something, you are not supposed to let people know.. That you don't know..
-write.
How easily someone could take advantage of that situation!
"No.. 1 $20 bill won't cover it.. You'll need three of those.."
And she would never know.
She has to depend on the honesty and good nature of others; period.
Me too. (See my green mile cable man story).
Maybe not to the same degree.. But to some degree for sure.
Because I realize this is true.. I've learned to ask a lot of questions and double check with people I know and love and trust..
"Is this one of those areas where its common for people to lie?"
And when the answer is yes.. Lie I do. But I am terrible at it!
And the very word.. 'Honest' can trigger a million memories in my own life..
The essense of them all the same formula:
"Sandra.. Why did you say that? (Or write that.. Or share that..)?!"
(Me!): "because that's what happen.."
Them: "don't you know you're not supposed to share that even if..."
And mainly the reason not to share something true is because I can get taken advantage of.. to spare myself harm or embarrassment..
So even though by first appearance or behavior you might not peg me as having down syndrome
I function in life much the same way. I have to count on the honesty and good nature of others; period.
Well, and trust in God. -he seemed to know we'd all lie at one point or another; or tell the truth when we weren't supposed to..
And didnt he devise the most brilliant plan for dealing with such matters..
Forgiveness. Love.
What amazing concepts. Thank you for coming up with those..
In Jesus name, -amen.
