SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

SILVER BULLETS more memories for (me!) sandra, tvgp

i have to work at remembering the better memories. the 1st two to surface are

1) it was your apartment i was on my way to when some predator in a hooded jacket stuck a pistol to my head

2) i was living with/married to you during my very bizarre food disorder habit -and i remember you coming home and catching me

and you seemed so ashamed and disgusted by me.. the way you said, "you have a disease!"

and in fairness to everyone.. no one even knew about PTSD at that time.. but i learned a great deal about it as time went on

now i feel like an expert.

and since being in touch with sue~sue.. (thanks be to God!) i've been down memory lane, in both directions, several times now

but do you know there is a whole chunk of my memory missing. -there are so many things, if you say a certain name, or give me some type of trigger, i can recall with great detail

but the memory of sue~sue living in the same apartment complex when we were first married.

-it is totally gone.

i've tried every which way to remember that.. but it was during that time, my whole brain was consumed with -everyone just leave -go away

clear the room. i must be alone.

so i can sit down with my bag of hostess treats.

my brain was consumed with finding the time to get to the hostess discount bakery

consumed with what disguise i should wear

what excuse i would give the ladies at the register, if they inquired about my daily bulk purchases

what excuse i would give the police, and you, if i got in a car accident on the way to or from the discount bakery -how would i explain all this junk food?

consumed with anxiety for wanting to be alone

consumed with worry someone would catch me...

but what a peace -numbing peace- i knew each time i sat and ritualistically unwrapped my hostess something.. chew, chew, chew

let it liquify -spit it in the cup.

fill up the cup.

go to the sink -dump it down the disposal.

wish i could go down the disposal with it.

go back to the chair.. unwrap, chew, spit some more.

did you know i ended up with 20 cavitites?

and for years.. many, many years

when i would accidentally catch a glimpse of my own laughter in the mirror... and i could see my whole mouth lined in silver..

well, it just triggered every ugly memory i have about my life.

-so, when the new technology.. products came out

and i learned you could get white fillings to replace your silver ones...

well, thank you to my 2nd husband and his dental insurance coverage. i had that done.

and it is hard to describe how significantly that contributed to my healing.

but i just love, love, love, not ever having to see that silver in my mouth anymore.

it made me think, on a deeper level

about how some cosmetic surgeons.. they can repair a woman's face after domestic abuse

and how.. its not as easy as 1, 2, 3

because there is a part of the woman who struggles with deservedness

and it took me a while -to justify in my own mind, whether i deserved to have my cavities replaced

this vain, cosmetic thing.

-someone else's money.

but i am so, so, glad i did it. it really worked as a way to lift my self-esteem.

but my God

when i total it up... the money, the time, the energy -everything

from the onset of this bizarre eating disorder -to the many, many dentists appointments to have the original cavities filled

to the cosmetic change.. and all those visits. -terrible waste of precious time.

***

did you know that today

here in the tri valley, for example. -if a woman has the great misfortune of being a rape victim

she can go to our local hospital, where there are nurses/doctors specifically trained to care for her.. specifically trained to provide her exam in a way that respects her traumatic state and at the same time, collects crucial information regarding her health, and evidence necessary for the police

and in addition to the trained nurses and doctors

there are volunteers from the tri valley haven -sexual assault response team volunteers-

who will come and just be by the victim for support.. just be there, holding her hand, while she endures what she must

and she'll receive a care-bag with a teddy bear, and blanket.. care items, and literature which can educate her, and her family/loved ones, about what to expect

and they are available by phone 24/7, if she has any needs at all

and they will accompany her during police interviews, court hearings.. constant loving, compassionate, support

and i don't know how many doctors implement this yet

but they do have/know about medicines which can prevent the onset of post traumatic stress disorder


-these kinds of things would have been very helpful when i was 6, 16, 17...

but today just leave me with grand appreciation they exists at all, for victims today.

a lot of people have worked (do work) hard behind the scenes to make all these services available.

and in addition to God, my family/friends..

i will use this upcoming thanksgiving to pray on my gratitude for the wonderful people who make these compassionate services possible

and thank God in advance for all the people who are currently working on reducing/stoping violence in our world.

posted by SHE @ 9:47 AM