Thursday, May 04, 2017

PART OF MY PLAN (me!) sandra, tvgp

part of my plan  -to write it out, all out, to a point of exhaustion.  to feel as if there is no more I can, need to, or will ever write about it again; period.   and then move permanently forward   (I confess I think ive had this goal more than once..   keep thinking ive achieved and then re-visit)

       "leaving the past behind...

as the bible scripture goes.


and as for the LSR, I am very close.  is there much more I can say, 30+ years later, that is of value to anyone?  when all the posts ive written on the topic are combined, it is pretty much covered to exhaustion.

but I am so 'whole' now; one healed, happy person..  no more double-life chronically plagued with fear.    that is what it felt like,  living with PTSD,  -quite severe, while still maintaining the mandatory things of life, work/school, etc.   what it felt like, hiding my eating disorder, while still maintaining the mandatory requirements of life..       to compare that life, to the life I live now,  -a fair analogy would be to compare a prison cell existence, to a Hawaiian vacation

  -so sometimes, as I do smile quite frequently, with ease, and authentically

people will sometimes comment...  "are you just always happy?"

and the answer is, "yes!"          -because at all times, I have such a hideous, awful, violent, dysfunctional, PTSD, yucky, ugly, one battle after another battle youth to compare today to

I have been rescued from such a dark, deep pit!  "Thank You!" Jesus!


and so there was a pattern for the LSR..   and he claimed  -I still can't remember exact number..  9 victims?   with pretty much the same mode of operation, within a recognizable geographic area,  over how many months? also don't know.. but the police sketch of his appearance; his face in hooded jacket.. based on the combined testimony of those of us who saw him for at least one second

was plastered all over san leandro, and in newspapers and in the news.     and I was told some years later,  -that a woman was kidnapped/raped/murdered, and then the pattern broke.  -he was emboldened by not getting caught each victim..   so his evil grew..

and the thing worth repeating here, has mostly to do with PTSD; anything I can contribute toward understanding; helping others

because, as I recently mentioned:  the first time I saw the police sketch on paper, my entire being reacted to it, as if it were the predator himself; when it was just a picture on a piece of paper.  as time passed, I desensitized..     if I woke to the sketch today;  -my emotions are neutral/my reaction; indifferent; the photo has no impact/power of over me;  images..

passing by places that remind me of...      nothing, nothing, nothing.. all good.

but, experiencing  -emotions-  that remind me of...  that remind my brain..     fear/terror..    I need to manage this with effort and diligence.   potential to spiral backwards here; even all these years later

I give myself an A+ for discovering, learning this about myself, and living accordingly; applying what ive learned and know

and repeat before I continue:  you cant erase traumatic memories.  but you can dilute!  


and so, I believe it was one year, to the month, prior to becoming victim #2 of the LSR, that I was victim (#?) of  -a no media named  -all together different predator.   and ive addressed this all before in prior posts also, pretty sure..     but the stand outs:

his photograph, or mug shot, was already in the police albums.   there were 2 girls who had reported, but did not follow through with prosecution, only months, I believe, before I reported my kidnap/rape

he was sentenced to 20 years; to be deported to his country of origin upon release.

I do not, to my own current memory, remember battling PTSD after this   -perhaps, exactly because he was caught by police; prosecuted; sentenced; in jail...


and, at 6 years old..    an all together different type of predator; breaking into our home; kidnapping from my room..         -also, I'm pretty sure, ive already written, the posts just need to be combined and then there is nothing new to add or say, of value


and somewhere in between..   being in the bank, during the armed robbery, with the gun pointed in my direction..          ive written that to exhaustion, I'm pretty confident

and bullies..   written about that to exhaustion too...


but how's that..    ive obviously had to spend an unfair amount of time thinking about  -the liabilities of being born female

and obviously,  -all this great fortune:   being born in California, in the good ol United States of America..  land of the free...      this democratic..   

and obviously, ive had to spend an unfair amount of time, thinking on topics of evil; predators.. how they evolve; how we can prevent..

and ive spent enormous amounts of time grateful for any/all that contribute to all of us living in a safer world; the police, the detectives, law enforcement..  our military

and lots of time, first just barely existing with PTSD   -and then learning that's what I even had; the monster I was dealing with..   and then becoming a student of it..   and now hoping to pass on what ive learned

my unanswered questions:  how/why/what circumstances; series of life events put each of these men  on the path; turned him into a predator?   or,  -as is true in nature on the whole; are there just a percentage of natural born predators;  -and prey.


I have one thing,  -personal thing, left to accomplish, and will place the picture here:

In Jesus name,    amen!


I think this is covered     in my post identify, identify, identify   -a great example of the many ways my brain was chronically taxed; working over time; I couldn't shut it off

there was the hypervigilance..    and, although the prefix hyper indicates what it does, I would still describe myself as being extremely hypervigilant,    and in the case of a serial rapist, still at large, ..  really, I was living the fact, that he could be anywhere, anyone, anytime..   

there was the evening paralysis..   if I sat in the dark, sometimes I would just freeze in position, and be unable to talk myself into moving off the couch, or chair, and only fell asleep from exhaustion

there was the purchase of a gun, and learning how to shoot it, and then...   my brain preparing for every single possible way  -and some impossible ways, a predator might enter my home, and pre-planning out how I would get to the gun in time    -if he comes through this way; ill do this...   but he if comes through that way, I'll do this...   but he if comes over there, i'll have to do this...  but if I'm in the other room, i'll have to do this...          -non stop; could not turn off my brain...   fell asleep only due to exhaustion..                  -finally got rid of the gun, and gained some peace

there was the time the power went out, and I fell immediately into fetal position; frozen..

there was the experience of watching people in January, shop for Christmas Tree items that were on sale, so they'd have them for the next year... and my brain was insisting..  There will be no next year  -don't you know you could die..   we are all going to die    -don't be so optimistic buying things for next year

the eating disorder, which I think just helped me numb; give my brain something else to preoccupy it; but that was all tainted with guilt, shame, fear; depression

all awful, exhausting, taxing, chronic, and going on behind/around and within the mandatory requirements of work/school; life..

and add on my traumatic experiences..    not on the socially acceptable list..   

and, add on, on my first attempt, several years post LSR, and into  -stepping reluctantly, nervously into healing/courage

my first attempt publically to share...   /and at the time I could not even use the word rape, but I attempted to share, and "I've been robbed 3 different times"        -and the person stepped away from me and told me I was bad luck           -sent me write back into keeping my mouth shut

        -and so undiagnosed/untreated; no sleep..   worse; worse; worse..

and, then the listening to the veteran on a documentary tv show, and all his symptoms were my symptoms too!   and hearing that... for the first time (to my conscious awareness)  .... post traumatic stress disorder...

and then, what time later?  coming across a book in the bookstore, with those words down the spine..   post traumatic stress disorder....  and pulling it off the shelf, flipping through pages..   falling to the floor in tears, having a word/.. a diagnosis...   a name! for what I was going through

          long... painful... hard....   journey:  PTSD.     the actual, practical crime(s) themselves...  happen within one day; but the  -post-    -the traumatized person, the results, the wake of the crime; healing from....


and as previously mentioned...  I am not a fan of emersion therapy.. (really.. you want me to put on virtual reality goggles, watch people being raped, until it doesn't bother me anymore?!?)   I believe in medicine for sleep; and getting proper SLEEP is KEY to ALL OTHER HEALING,  a mantadory perquisite..  and then diluting the brain with other positive things/experiences; and great to take on the task of learning something you want to learn, because this demands the brain to work on something positive

you cannot have two conscious thoughts at one time...   so, if your brain is working on
     how do I do this?   /play the guitar...   build something...   paint/draw,   golf... whatever

you focus on that, and it  -kicks out-   the opportunity for repetitive thoughts in the negative

but the brain is in fact damaged and already taxed, so  -in small increments; slowly rebuilding..

but  -catching-   PTSD thoughts...     sooner you can catch, recognize, redirect... the better.

remembering..   you cant pitch a ball with a broken hand/arm in a cast..  must heal first..

then physical therapy; rebuilding..   and same with the brain...   must first heal..

then mental/emotional therapy; rebuilding..


MEDICINE as a bridge...


I sure have to come to believe fully in spiritual warfare...    the devil seeking to kill and destroy..  keep people alone, afraid, full of shame or doubt, insecurities, suspicions, fear, preoccupations, addictions..   every negative thing; every counterproductive; every ugly; every awful...  

and God..   reaching out and in, shining, helping, guiding, lifting, supporting, loving, caring, nurturing

and I have come to really appreciate that saying, and hear it in a song on KLOVE

    greater is he who is inside me, than he who is in the world


and appreciate,  beauty from ashes..

and the words, rescued and restored...

all of this has direct application..    and I have personally experienced.   -and am currently experiencing

somehow I have healed..   and while still having a teachable spirit for constructive criticism; I am impervious to the judgements, non-constructive criticisms of others   -rape survivors in particular need this in their making it through day to day life tool box

from a spiritual war perspective:  rape should shut us down and shut us up/work of the devil..

God can lift us up, and we speak out...

letter from the war zone of everyday life in America


there is emphasis, for Christians..   on having your sins wiped away..  forgiveness...   and this is certainly important, beautiful,   -full of grace, mercy; love

in my own life,  -and certainly I am a sinner!  

but, the work God has done in my life..    there is more emphasis for me personally on the rescued and restored

so, how happy, blessed am I, when you put it all together:

I am loved.  I am forgiven.  I am saved!  AND!  rescued AND restored!

    -in a recent conversation with my daughter, she witnessed some baptisms that had taken place at a church, and we discussed,  -the washing away of sins..

huge blessing...    but for me, my baptism, internally, was more about a public, commitment  -

more like a wedding on Valentines Day...     Jesus; I do!   I give my heart to you!


LOVE gets the final word...

/here when time allows...      how beautiful, that love always gets the final word..

even after physical deaths/traumas/natural disasters..   after we learn death totals..

flowers, prayers, cards, love...

new buildings..  memorials...   tributes...     memories celebrated with love; love ; love...

LOVE always gets the final word.                      /and a word is not a number.


speaking of numbers

I am sooo curious about that passage in the bible, about 666

just super curious,   I have not been gifted knowledge or wisdom, but I do pray for it

         -what on earth does that mean?!?

...  in revelations...   for it is the number of a man...  

I research more later, but...  for how long?   I just do the sign of the cross when I see 666

I don't know what it means exactly, I just know its not good...


very good.    /she says with a smile.



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