SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

Identify!Identify!Identify!Identify!Identify! By (me!) Sandra, tvgp

Oh!mark this as the first (and perhaps 2nd time) only I am actually grateful for the way this borrowed iPad squishes my words together. It is great! For capturing the PTSD thoughts that at one time consumed my mind. They were squished together. No breaks. Non stop. Day in, day out: identifying people. Please remember.. This is always the first question: can you identify the man who... Broke into your house. Can you identify the man who kidnapped you? Can you identify the man with the gun? Can you identify the bank robber? Can you identify the person in this line up. Let me tell you, by the time I reached age 21 I did not who I might have to identify next. My brain would non stop try and lock things in: height, weight, facial hair, or not, what clothes, shoes, shape of eyes, color of eyes, size of ears.. Were his ears visible? Tattoos, things in pockets, what side hair was parted on, voice, things/ways of talking. Getting in and out of a grocery store could be as exhausting as.. Because, that man who just parked next to me.. He looks suspicious: add on what car, license plate, color, is he alone? And that man who just passed me too close in the produce aisle... He looks suspicious.. Lock in his height, weight, skin color, teeth,.. If you could have looked inside my brain like you can look at this blog post writing, it would have read something like this: SUSPICIOUS! 5,8,dark hair,covers the ears,khakis,blue,running shoes,short steps,160,something in left back pocket SUSPICIOUS!6'2,175,red sweatshirt,beard,sunglasses,polished shoes,birthmark on side of face SUSPICIOUS!(insert height/weight/clothes/car, etc. Here) ad nauseam. Non stop. Everywhere. Anywhere. All the time. But a submarine. On the surface: "good morning. How are you? Please. Thank you. Have a great day" and all that. Of course there is no way for any human being to keep track of that many people or details, but I couldn't shut my PTSD submarine brain -off. When it wasn't identifying suspicious people, it was trying to memorize cars and license plates. how long did this last? Too long.. I know it was going on during my Jr. College and college years, and I marvel now that I made it through... Almost fits into split personality: on the surface, working full time to put myself through college. In the submarine, perpetual preparation for another attack. Another visit to the police station. Another mug shot. That question: "can you identify..." -when I review my own writings, I notice the absence of all that. It's hard to find me saying' how tall a person is, or their weight, or facial features. -sometimes a picture, so you can just see for yourself. -but it's very generic coming from me... Maybe, or maybe not, the roots of that are found in that part of my history. In any case.. Over the years I've learned how to turn it off or on. There are still occasions I realize it wouldn't hurt to be able to identify: -that person in that car over there. And I'll lock in a few pertinent details on the in case. But it is rare and I can also go long periods of time and places without any concerns at all. How refreshing! To just live! See. Visit. Explore. Without being surrounded by suspicious people and having my brain work over-over-over-over time on trying to identify people in a line up or mug shot album. "thank you Jesus!". Amen.

posted by SHE @ 10:24 AM