SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

NO DEADLINES BUT YES FINAL DECISIONS for (me!) Sandra, tvgp

Interview ..this took place while in the background I'm -slowly- and -at my own pace- working on "21 reasons I love my blog"... During one conversation with Chris, he mentioned having to meet a deadline.. I was write away like, make that 22! Reasons. Deadlines are like cerebral boulders for me.. I have no internal peace until the mission is complete. Ultimately, for me I realized it wasn't worth it. Deadlines require a talent and disposition I do not have.. As a consequence.. Chris gets paid and I learned I'm better off writing at my own pace for free, and finding some other type of employment. I have a huge respect though for people who succeed at living/writing with repetitive deadlines weighing on their hearts on minds. FINAL DECISIONS... Final editorial decisions. I'll be adding this too... Part of this interview included a photo shoot at the firehouse art center... When we glanced at some of the pictures, the photographer Doug and I agreed on the same ones we liked. He explained to me that he can submit what he likes bit editors make the final decision. I was pissed off for him. The man is a professional photographer, so is his wife. He's been taking photographs for 20 something years, he told me... And yet he does not get to decide? That seems insulting. But guess what... Doug is getting paid. I don't get paid to take pictures for my blog. But I do take a lot of pictures and am pleased I have the final say on what I do and don't post. -another solid reason I love my blog. And guess what... Not 1 picture was used with the story anyway? -somethin' doesn't seem write about the current system; just sayin. -and sum it up with how I've learned for me personally autonomy = peace, pleasure, joy. Not perfection.. Are their editors who could improve my writing; yes. But I have no interest in seeing it in it's best and culturally conformed state; I like it flawed. ***. BEHIND THE SEENS: I DID NOT KNOW this was going to pop out of my mouth as or when it did, but when we took pictures on the railroad track.. To this photographer man, I had only just met.. I started to say.. It came out of me in his presence.. How God was at work again! Because railroad tracks were yet another formerly horrific memory trigger and now here I was so comfortable and at ease dancing on them.. I walked on each plank (are they called planks?).. Said out loud, "thank you" to God for healing me.. I wish I could better articulate where I'm at..emotionally. But there is NOT ONE former horrific memory trigger than holds any power over me anymore. Period. I'm not numb, nor am I sensitive.. What analogy van I provide? I suppose it is like when you go on a scary ride at Disneyland as a young child.. And it really is scary. Then the exact same ride as an adult just kind of makes you smile.. It has no ability to actually scare you anymore. -but.. When he asked about the railroad tracks, as I unintentionally set him up to do, as i must repeat, I did not know that was going to come out of my mouth.. I said to him, "I was kidnapped.". ..and I abbreviated everything else so we could stay on task... Same way you should when someone asks 'how are you?'. Social manners dictate not to trap people into certain conversations.. I think I did a pretty good job exiting out of the potential quicksand pool.. Anyway.. I thought about it later: how what came out of my mouth was 'kidnapped.' -how I never said 'and raped.'. 30 somethin' years later and I've decided that word will never roll off my tongue. But yes.. It appears to want out now. -not that it has never been let out before. It has.. In a mess! As verbal vomit. And all the inappropriate times to nothing but inappropriate people. But yes.. After being kidnapped and covered up and raped.. I was uncovered and forced back in the car. Me in the driver seat, and the serial rapist terrorist guy in the passenger seat with a cocked gun on my temple so I could not look at and be able to identify him. I could look forward only. And he debated out loud whether he should kill me or not. And he threatened me with I know where you live.. Where your boyfriend lives... And all the while we were driving.. Skip some details here to share, that at some point..in the black of night, after him telling me when I could turn left or -write, we ended up on halcyon in San leandro and it is there he told me to pull over. Far as I was concerned this is the part where I get yanked out of the car and shot to death, but that's not what happened (obviously). -what happened was that I pulled the car over and he -in less than a second, hit the rearview mirror with his hand on purpose so I wouldn't be able to look in it.. And side view mirror too? And he threatened me if I went to the police and he ran off into the darkness... Down a path of railroad tracks. -now.. We don't have an amateur here do we? It breaks my heart to think about his history.. Where, how, under what circumstances did he -learn- how to be such a clever criminal.. What to wear.. How to position the gun.. How to make sure I never saw him. The foresight to hit the rearview mirror up... Had he learned from mistakes made along the way? Does someone give a class... Do's and don t's of being a serial rapist? Honest to God... How does a human being become capable of this level of evil? And to dodge police another 9 or 11 times IN THE SAME NEIGHBORHOOD?! And claim that many more victims?! He was highly skilled at his evil work. -anyway.. I was left in a state of shock as you can imagine. I needed the rearview mirror back down in order to drive off.. But my hands would not unlock themselves from the steering wheel. My hands would not touch that rearview mirror because even though he ran off... My brain said that if I moved the mirror, suddenly his face would be write in it.. Terrorizing. I did not know what to do. I did not know where to go. I did not touch that rearview mirror it stayed exactly as he shoved it. I did manage to get my foot on the accelarator and drive forward.. I could not go back to the lakeside apartments because he would be there.. Because I could not physically get out of the car.. I knew I couldn't get out of the car and walk any distance by myself.. I couldn't do it. My mind raced for solutions.. And it popped into my mind, how at my moms house, there was gravel all the way to the front door. That's what I needed. To land at a front door. I was incapable of walking 3 steps alone outside of that car.. I drove at the highest speed toward my moms.. My hands had a death grip on the steering wheel.. I hoped police would pull me over.. I had no rearview mirror to look in to see if any police were even around.. I just gripped that steering wheel and drove fast in one direction, and drove the car all the way to the front door just shy of driving it write into the house itself. I'm going to ask my mom and brother to pick it up from here...

posted by SHE @ 7:54 AM