SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

Suicide and Bonsai as experienced by (me!) sandra, tvgp

yet ANOTHER reason I LOVE MY BLOG..    where else can we combine in one piece these topics..
but as I have explained when people ask "what do you blog about?"

A:   whatever is on my mind that day

and today suicide and bonsai are on my mind.

suicide -no one I know personally, but a person, several people removed from my inner circle, but who ive learned about through others who recently took his life.  in his 40's..   leaving a wife, and two young children behind..

what ive learned, via experience, and is worth repeating about suicide

1.  what you are feeling on the given day..  the emotional/psychological pain..   it does not register in your mind as something that will pass..  or subside..   in your mind, you think how you feel in the moment, is how you will feel for the rest of your life, and..  if that were the case..   you would have no quality of life..  it would,  -in fact; not be worth living

but we know..   that is a lie.  it is not true.   these intense, brutal, debilitating emotional pains..  they do lose their intensity with time..  

2.  when you are consumed with emotional pain.. fear, depression, shame;  this blocks your ability to think clearly, and if you cannot think clearly, you cannot see.. or envision..  or imagine   ~ways out.    you do not believe there are any ways out..  everything is lose/lose;      so, the only way  OUT..   which is your exclusive desire:  " get me out of the pain/circumstances. I am trapped."

the only way out of the trap, when you have a very restricted ability to think/process:..  you end your life.

but we know it is a lie.    -because, there are ways out..

it may take time, resources, support circles, medicines..   long, varied list..   but there are ways out..


-there are ways out
-pain does lessen
-circumstances do change

the cliché saying is TRUE:  suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

but if you act, respond, believe the lies..    feel utterly unbearably trapped.     suicide is the only way you can think and act to untrap yourself.                  I remember.  "Thank You! Jesus.."   I am so alive today.

but if/when you take your own life, you in fact..    well, the loved ones you leave behind   -what they inherit..

is a type of emotional pain so intense..   similar, in fact,  to the one you found utterly unbearable..   and so now,  -they must be reminded THE TRUTH:

the pain will lessen..
there are ways out..
circumstances do change..

I am a direct witness.

***

my heart breaks for..    and, you are in my prayers; everyone! whose lives are touched in any way by this tragedy   -family, friends, co-workers, associates, neighbors..  God IS with YOU.

***
NEW THOUGHTS on suicide..   so, we know, suicidal thoughts/actions can result from overwhelming life experiences/circumstances..

but of interest to me also is this..    a relatively healthy person  -taking certain pharmaceuticals/medicines.. for entirely unrelated reasons:   one of the side effects can be:  suicidal thoughts/actions

so, suicidal thoughts/actions can originate from both circumstantial and/or chemical means.

    -remember..  everything is pathways; our entire brain;  ~pathways

what this obviously means, is that each human brain  -already-  at some point has developed a pathway which leads to suicidal thoughts/actions   -it has to  -already exist-  in order for something you take to travel toward/land on/ and cause you to experience it..   yes?

consider:   I have never had suicidal thoughts   -until I started taking this medicine..

pharmaceutical knowledgable people and neurosurgeons and others   -already know..   what can trigger.. can make a persons thoughts travel that path..      it is already proven/known/understood   -take heed

and pay more attention to the 'narrow path'  and what the means..

  -and the narrow path already exists also, doesn't it and develops in the human brain also..

our healthiest, most evolved human beings will dictate which paths their thoughts travel, will choose pathways..  and not let them default or be manipulated..        joyce meyer already teaches it:   the mind is the battlefield

  -there is such thing; very real..   spiritual warfare.

***

there is such thing.. the enemy who seeks to kill and destroy
A God who loves and saves...         -of his resurrection power; I am a direct witness

***

life and death..     death.. and life...

***

let us move toward LIFE:

I have worked at alden lane two years now..   and I have not purchased one plant or flower or tree for myself.   -as gifts for others; yes..   but, I have not been so inspired..  I enjoy them there; while i'm working; glancing upon them..  having them cross my visual, and (word? taking in their aroma/scents), and tactile..                  -thousands of living plants, flowers, trees, vegetables, grasses, have crossed my path at the register over the past two years..   that has been enough for me..

I am enormously grateful for this experience   -and love it ten times more than having non-living, home décor pieces cross my path..  although I loved that experience also..   and did not yet have this to compare it to..

anyway..

how many signs would you need?

what happen here is this, and in this order

 *  I was co-cleaning the bonsai area with Tessa..    and all the bonsai are beautiful in their own way to be sure

but, when this one particular bonsai..  when I held it, and moved it..  I said to it, out loud, in a soft voice   "aren't you pretty"    and I looked at it a little longer than the others..  

when I did the watering..    a heart shape appeared on the rock, within the pot it was in..   and it evaporated quickly, but I managed to get a picture before it did.

    -this has happened several times,  -heart seens around alden lane, but I capture the moment with my mind and/or camera.. and don't need to  -purchase/own.. I just temporarily enjoy

but what happened next here.. is later..     when the heart had already evaporated..   when I next glanced there was a cross made from the way two very small, thin, twigs had landed on the rock via a slight breeze..

I saw this with my eyes, but was not quick enough with my camera..

what happened next, is that I started to hold, and turn, and just be more intrigued by this bonsai..   "you are just so pretty"

and to that point, I still had only seen the front side..

when I turned it around..     well, at first..   being entirely unfamiliar..    it looked to me as if the bonsai had been transported with some small cardboard, or chipboard, placed around its branches to, I don't know.. help it keep its shape; protect it perhaps..as it moved from rocket farms to alden lane

the way Styrofoam is used to safely transport items..  and you sometimes have to pull pieces out that remain stuck in the nooks/crannies of a décor piece..

so I reached in to remove the chipboard and reveal the branches, only the second I set my fingers on it, and 'broke' off a piece..  I realized...

and then, I was even more deeply fascinated and intrigued...   I have NEVER seen anything like this..   these..     the shape..    the way they grow, split, in little rectangles the way they do.. and the texture..

"you are awesome"  I said to it with a smile..

but, I still had not considered purchasing..

it was not until I went home that night, and having written down what the tag said, and looked it up.. and saw the words, burning bush.. that I   -knew

because, I was like,   really?!

a heart seen...
a cross...
AND!   a.. burning bush....

it would be impossible for me..   (me!) to ignore..

anyway..   until I researched, I also did not yet know..    I mean, far as I was concerned, the highly beautiful green leaves, would remain green..

to learn they change color! in the fall...   to red/orange!   which is how it gets the burning bush term of endearment..

and so,

that helps explain how upset I was...  when during my research, I read words like,  this shrub doesn't look like much in the summer..

excuse me?!  if it never changed color, it is still a knock-out write now!  incredible!   with green leaves and that intriguing, rectangle shaped, textured bark..   amazing!

and, #3.   flowers small and insignificant.


INSIGNIFICANT?!?!?      you are just..    well, I would fire you on the spot.

you are not the write person for the job of describing this magnificent, amazing, intriguing, fascinating, gorgeous, beautiful, dynamic...

bonsai.


and the word SHRUB  -it has just got to go..    it is so unflattering and does not do justice..

***

and of course, I have concerns whether I can provide my magnificent, amazing, intriguing, fascinating, gorgeous, beautiful, dynamic

color changin'   textured bark ..

this blessed living creature..  can I keep it alive; give it the proper care, temperatures, water, light,

love?

-but,

whatever the future holds; as I am an utter novice..

I am grateful we have crossed paths; and so proud and happy to bring you home with me

***

and of course, like any good, new and nervous mom..  I asked questions of a couple experts..  the general manager, cyndee, with how many years in the industry and a master level gardener herself,  and I have sue Fordyce at alden lane..  the orchid doctor, the house-plants, and bonsai guru..

and they generously shared.. and imparted their knowledge,

but also,  -there is a certain look, a micro-expression I picked up on..

it is very similar to the one Ive seen over the years, on many people..  for many different reasons, from cooking, to parenting, to painting, to writing, to traveling

they share what they know..

and then,  the rest, and the risk,  ~ is up to you

     no guarantees...  good luck...   we wish you the best...

***











***

when something or someone is  'made for you'

what that means is this:

you have the highest appreciation for that object, knowledge, living creature or person
              I almost automatically know how to appreciate you; this comes very naturally to me

        -appreciation- should be studied with as much passion and vigor and curiosity as integrity..

truth; and justice

and love...

***

In Jesus..   please help me provide the proper care    's,    name...     amen.

posted by SHE @ 11:19 AM 1 comments

May The Best Dream Come True! for (me!) sandra, tvgp

posted by SANDRA HARRISON KAY @ 8:21 AM 0 comments

Come to the Table... a song i recommend... (me!) sandra, tvgp

in the conversation, the young man shared with (me!)..  that his father,

"he will never talk about his childhood or his past with us"      /us = children/siblings.

***

of course, I said with a smile, I said, "my children face the opposite problem...   I've told them everything, and probably a lot they'd rather not know"

***

but I wondered.. about that silence..   what makes a parent uncomfortable sharing; how the kids know what topics are off limits, etc.

***

what reasons?   could be painful, and the parent does not want to personally re-visit..    could be shameful.. and the parents just don't want to admit/confess..    could be protective...     could be counter-productive to share based on how the parent guesses the child will respond...

***

I don't know with this particular child/parent..

***

but, let me project that the cause is shame.     -of which I know quite a lot about.. like, phD level..

I would recommend then,

Isaiah   -reading this book in the bible; very powerful

I have personally transcended any/all shame I once knew intimately, chronically, intensely well for a great many years

    and may I pause just a moment, with my predictable fascination

how do I know i'm feeling shame  -what mechanism inside me?    and I know, that I have transcended it..   utterly and completely..    by what mechanism?

anyway..    who has the time and energy these days to read an entire book in the bible..   write

but you might have time to listen to this song:


come to the table by sidewalk prophets

posted by SHE @ 8:17 AM 0 comments

prelude to my next poem... (me!) sandra, tri valley gypsy poet

exactly as it happened..

a lovely customer purchased a pretty plate and some other variety of items from the alden lane gift store.

after I rang the purchase at the register, and went to hand her all of her items..   because of the light-weight nature of the particular box I placed the items in   /not the standard, famous, iconic alden lane box we use for plants..

well, everything fell and hit the cement ground we were standing on

the plate broke in a few large pieces.

I knew write away..    even more beautiful, yes..    mosaics.    created from broken pieces with a spiritual adhesive, i.e., God..   and God is love

but I did not mention this to the customer.   I just suggested she go grab another, and I would package it more securely

when she returned to the register,  -she did have another plate in her hand, but it was not identical to the one that had just broke

"based on what just happened,"  she told me..  "I decided instead to get this plastic plate so I don't have to worry about it breaking"

***

and the very second she shared that with me..  I knew!

***

it is exactly that fear, that creates plastic people too.

***

how much we do, to what lengths.. what compromises we make

trying so hard to avoid being broken

***

but broken~ness of one kind or another

common denominator for all of humanity

***

the bible speaks to it..      and teaches about transforming suffering and broken~ness..   or rather

the path to transcendence

always the same way...   always the same ingredient

the suffering is a variable, the intensity, the time, the place, the circumstances..     ; all variables

but the  -answer-

quite fixed:


love.   infinite love...


if you try to subtract it...


well, go ahead and try...  

that is your spiritual math lesson for   " this day that the Lord has made..

that I WILL re-joyce and be so very glad in..."


amen.

posted by SHE @ 7:57 AM 0 comments

type the word skipping in the search bar of this blog ... for (me!) sandra, tvgp

some time ago -I remember writing..    like, how could things possibly get better?   watching the warriors on a big screen, while on the dance floor.. with a drink in one hand..  and the best band performing live.. best friends and family... and surrounded by hundreds of slightly intoxicated happy people, slash dancing~ fans..  and! outdoors with a perfect climate..

I thought that was the highest happiness..  

but I was wrong.

now I get to add Robert.. my sexy...   and being in love to all of that.

better believe I'm feeling blessed and highly favored..

"Thank You!"  Jesus..       amen & amen

posted by SANDRA HARRISON KAY @ 7:37 AM 0 comments

Okay, I love this one. Tonight I looked down and saw that Celine the Cat had licked a heart in her ice cream for you! You might recall this is Celine’s second contribution. Last year in her litter box she peed a heart for you! (I’ll also include a photo of the artist at rest.)








and when time allows.. much more about the bonsai..       and -strawberry cake dessert-  enjoyed during last night's "WARRIORS VICTORY!!"    woo hoooooo

posted by SANDRA HARRISON KAY @ 7:31 AM 0 comments

..for which i have no arguement.. (me!) sandra, tvgp

..for which I have no argument..   but do have questions, thoughts and insights:

it was a conversation with a young attractive entrepreneur.  and what she was explaining to (me!)

I mean the fact IS

if you put two restaurant/bars side by side   -where cougars are the demographic

and one has young attractive male servers, and the other has old and unattractive servers..

guess which  -won-   stands a stronger chance of making a profit.

   -yes, a financial prophet..    I said with a smile.

***

I have no argument.

***

and, God..  wanting to make sure I could not ignore...

went on to, not months, but only days later,

place (me!) in conversation with another young, attractive entrepreneur..

  -here, I was to listen to how important

or rather,

like, if one airline has attractive beautiful flight attendants..

and, like..   what happened?!   all you see anymore is old, out of shape, ugly..   or gay men.

***

and in both conversations..  there seem to be an agreement, that the clientele

well,  where you have young attractive servers   -you have customers with more money; and more customers

and a picture formed in my imagination  -based on his description of the wealthy, powerful, men,

i.e., big-spenders

and the young, sexy, females serving     /their egos.. and sense of entitlement..

/and the owner..    rubbing hi$ hand$ together

***

anyway..

here is my first question:

based on these truths; these facts, mentioned above:  and in a capitalistic society; free markets, and all that..   competition.. etc.

lets say you are not young or attractive; where should you be "allowed" to work?

***

and here is my insight:    /and forgive, but for sake of ease,  -based on heterosexual orientation; and secular ways of being

where you have the wealthy, cougar women and young attractive male servers

where you have the older big spender men and young attractive female servers

behind the seens:

a misplaced internalized association of value as a human being tied directly/exclusively to financial wealth; a grand sense of entitlement; a misplaced idea that other human beings were placed on the planet exactly for your viewing pleasure  -why they were born..    and so, a kind of gross ego, and I could go on, but will not.      /money can come and go..   without it; of what value are you?

for the server; a misplaced internalized association of value as a human being, tied directly/exclusively to external looks and age.. (as dictated by current cultural trends)   -and, to how much money people with money are willing to fork over during the rather fleeting shelf life of great looks and young age.

***

but we all know the truth, and the facts, don't we

and so,  what is that saying?     make hay while the sun is shining...

***

and my closing question is this:

let's say you are not young or attractive or wealthy

... why on earth?

obviously you are not welcome here.

***

In,   -have you ever noticed Jesus didn't argue; only taught and told stories, -name..

amen.

posted by SHE @ 7:35 AM 0 comments

Mama~razzi strikes again.... (me!) WriteousMom

posted by SHE @ 9:50 PM 0 comments

posted by SHE @ 9:02 PM 0 comments

posted by SHE @ 7:58 PM 0 comments

posted by SANDRA HARRISON KAY @ 8:01 AM 0 comments

posted by SANDRA HARRISON KAY @ 8:38 AM 0 comments

The Heart Seen... by (squidmann!)

posted by SHE @ 7:02 AM 0 comments

Car Crashes & Infidelity as considered by (me!) sandra, tvgp

I am relatively fresh off watching a video sent to me by my daughter   -from a marriage/family psychology class, and on the topic of infidelity   (yawn, stretch..)

the email in response is much longer than I will write here, but..   was thinkin' this morning

   -how I can't even count the amount of accidents ive seen on 580, 680, and side roads over the past two years

and while I'm tempted to give up driving all together sometimes

the actual thing I do,  -like almost everyone else:

I get back out on the road everyday..  the highways..   and I drive to where I need to go

and just do my best, drive my safest,  offense/defense,  always on alert, and I do pray, and i just kind of hope it's not me the ambulance comes for that day.

***

and seems like a fair analogy..    -because by the time you reach 52, you know about a lot of affairs..

I can't even count..

the temptation is to give up on romantic relationships completely sometimes..

but the actual thing I do,   -like many others

I get back out there..

do my best..     apply what ive learned from my own/others experiences

read the signs/signals, stay alert,  -and pray..     and just kind of hope it's not me getting my heart broken that day

***

and,

I did point out to my daughter..

the person in the video counsels couples/individuals who are dealing with affairs..  her exposure is exclusive to that...

faithful couples..      they are worth getting to know, and study and learn from..

and during many of these talks..   ted talks..    you have scientists, researchers, professionals, academics, scholars..

but no mention of God, faith - systems..    ways of behaving, believing, etc.

   personal codes of honor..     integrity..

 "integrity!!"


let me tell you something I KNOW about myself:   I KNOW I will never tempt/entertain the idea of having any intimate relationship of any kind with a man I know is married.  period.

  why?

I KNOW I will never..   flirt/tempt the idea of having any affair on any level with one of my family or friends spouses or significant others..  period.

these things are as far removed from my way of being as stealing cash from an open purse or wallet..

being trustworthy..

being around trustworthy people...   true friends.  true love.   I pray it for everyone



***

speaking of..  integrity and trust~worthiness...  I've already told you, yes..   that alden lane nursery has the best customers anywhere


well, not one..

but TWO people in one day  -yesterday

called the nursery, gave their credit card info..   and insisted on paying for things they brought home, but upon checking their receipt, realized they had not paid for..


this happens sometimes with crowded carts of lots of plants, of such different sizes..

but here is the thing..

alden lane would never know..

and the customer could easily, EASILY, just keep the plants and consider it a blessing, an error in their favor

this seems very much worth studying and learning more about!!

people with this level of integrity...

what is the origin?   why?     how?


and to me..    I project and imagine, people of this level of integrity in day to day life..  they are also that way in their marriages..

Im rather bored/tired/exhausted of the infidelity topic..


   -but people with integrity...

conscience..    


people who do the write thing     -because it is the write thing to do

study. study. study.  learn. learn. learn.  teach. teach. teach.


***

amen.


***

posted by SHE @ 7:47 AM 0 comments