SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

Suicide and Bonsai as experienced by (me!) sandra, tvgp

yet ANOTHER reason I LOVE MY BLOG..    where else can we combine in one piece these topics..
but as I have explained when people ask "what do you blog about?"

A:   whatever is on my mind that day

and today suicide and bonsai are on my mind.

suicide -no one I know personally, but a person, several people removed from my inner circle, but who ive learned about through others who recently took his life.  in his 40's..   leaving a wife, and two young children behind..

what ive learned, via experience, and is worth repeating about suicide

1.  what you are feeling on the given day..  the emotional/psychological pain..   it does not register in your mind as something that will pass..  or subside..   in your mind, you think how you feel in the moment, is how you will feel for the rest of your life, and..  if that were the case..   you would have no quality of life..  it would,  -in fact; not be worth living

but we know..   that is a lie.  it is not true.   these intense, brutal, debilitating emotional pains..  they do lose their intensity with time..  

2.  when you are consumed with emotional pain.. fear, depression, shame;  this blocks your ability to think clearly, and if you cannot think clearly, you cannot see.. or envision..  or imagine   ~ways out.    you do not believe there are any ways out..  everything is lose/lose;      so, the only way  OUT..   which is your exclusive desire:  " get me out of the pain/circumstances. I am trapped."

the only way out of the trap, when you have a very restricted ability to think/process:..  you end your life.

but we know it is a lie.    -because, there are ways out..

it may take time, resources, support circles, medicines..   long, varied list..   but there are ways out..


-there are ways out
-pain does lessen
-circumstances do change

the cliché saying is TRUE:  suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

but if you act, respond, believe the lies..    feel utterly unbearably trapped.     suicide is the only way you can think and act to untrap yourself.                  I remember.  "Thank You! Jesus.."   I am so alive today.

but if/when you take your own life, you in fact..    well, the loved ones you leave behind   -what they inherit..

is a type of emotional pain so intense..   similar, in fact,  to the one you found utterly unbearable..   and so now,  -they must be reminded THE TRUTH:

the pain will lessen..
there are ways out..
circumstances do change..

I am a direct witness.

***

my heart breaks for..    and, you are in my prayers; everyone! whose lives are touched in any way by this tragedy   -family, friends, co-workers, associates, neighbors..  God IS with YOU.

***
NEW THOUGHTS on suicide..   so, we know, suicidal thoughts/actions can result from overwhelming life experiences/circumstances..

but of interest to me also is this..    a relatively healthy person  -taking certain pharmaceuticals/medicines.. for entirely unrelated reasons:   one of the side effects can be:  suicidal thoughts/actions

so, suicidal thoughts/actions can originate from both circumstantial and/or chemical means.

    -remember..  everything is pathways; our entire brain;  ~pathways

what this obviously means, is that each human brain  -already-  at some point has developed a pathway which leads to suicidal thoughts/actions   -it has to  -already exist-  in order for something you take to travel toward/land on/ and cause you to experience it..   yes?

consider:   I have never had suicidal thoughts   -until I started taking this medicine..

pharmaceutical knowledgable people and neurosurgeons and others   -already know..   what can trigger.. can make a persons thoughts travel that path..      it is already proven/known/understood   -take heed

and pay more attention to the 'narrow path'  and what the means..

  -and the narrow path already exists also, doesn't it and develops in the human brain also..

our healthiest, most evolved human beings will dictate which paths their thoughts travel, will choose pathways..  and not let them default or be manipulated..        joyce meyer already teaches it:   the mind is the battlefield

  -there is such thing; very real..   spiritual warfare.

***

there is such thing.. the enemy who seeks to kill and destroy
A God who loves and saves...         -of his resurrection power; I am a direct witness

***

life and death..     death.. and life...

***

let us move toward LIFE:

I have worked at alden lane two years now..   and I have not purchased one plant or flower or tree for myself.   -as gifts for others; yes..   but, I have not been so inspired..  I enjoy them there; while i'm working; glancing upon them..  having them cross my visual, and (word? taking in their aroma/scents), and tactile..                  -thousands of living plants, flowers, trees, vegetables, grasses, have crossed my path at the register over the past two years..   that has been enough for me..

I am enormously grateful for this experience   -and love it ten times more than having non-living, home décor pieces cross my path..  although I loved that experience also..   and did not yet have this to compare it to..

anyway..

how many signs would you need?

what happen here is this, and in this order

 *  I was co-cleaning the bonsai area with Tessa..    and all the bonsai are beautiful in their own way to be sure

but, when this one particular bonsai..  when I held it, and moved it..  I said to it, out loud, in a soft voice   "aren't you pretty"    and I looked at it a little longer than the others..  

when I did the watering..    a heart shape appeared on the rock, within the pot it was in..   and it evaporated quickly, but I managed to get a picture before it did.

    -this has happened several times,  -heart seens around alden lane, but I capture the moment with my mind and/or camera.. and don't need to  -purchase/own.. I just temporarily enjoy

but what happened next here.. is later..     when the heart had already evaporated..   when I next glanced there was a cross made from the way two very small, thin, twigs had landed on the rock via a slight breeze..

I saw this with my eyes, but was not quick enough with my camera..

what happened next, is that I started to hold, and turn, and just be more intrigued by this bonsai..   "you are just so pretty"

and to that point, I still had only seen the front side..

when I turned it around..     well, at first..   being entirely unfamiliar..    it looked to me as if the bonsai had been transported with some small cardboard, or chipboard, placed around its branches to, I don't know.. help it keep its shape; protect it perhaps..as it moved from rocket farms to alden lane

the way Styrofoam is used to safely transport items..  and you sometimes have to pull pieces out that remain stuck in the nooks/crannies of a décor piece..

so I reached in to remove the chipboard and reveal the branches, only the second I set my fingers on it, and 'broke' off a piece..  I realized...

and then, I was even more deeply fascinated and intrigued...   I have NEVER seen anything like this..   these..     the shape..    the way they grow, split, in little rectangles the way they do.. and the texture..

"you are awesome"  I said to it with a smile..

but, I still had not considered purchasing..

it was not until I went home that night, and having written down what the tag said, and looked it up.. and saw the words, burning bush.. that I   -knew

because, I was like,   really?!

a heart seen...
a cross...
AND!   a.. burning bush....

it would be impossible for me..   (me!) to ignore..

anyway..   until I researched, I also did not yet know..    I mean, far as I was concerned, the highly beautiful green leaves, would remain green..

to learn they change color! in the fall...   to red/orange!   which is how it gets the burning bush term of endearment..

and so,

that helps explain how upset I was...  when during my research, I read words like,  this shrub doesn't look like much in the summer..

excuse me?!  if it never changed color, it is still a knock-out write now!  incredible!   with green leaves and that intriguing, rectangle shaped, textured bark..   amazing!

and, #3.   flowers small and insignificant.


INSIGNIFICANT?!?!?      you are just..    well, I would fire you on the spot.

you are not the write person for the job of describing this magnificent, amazing, intriguing, fascinating, gorgeous, beautiful, dynamic...

bonsai.


and the word SHRUB  -it has just got to go..    it is so unflattering and does not do justice..

***

and of course, I have concerns whether I can provide my magnificent, amazing, intriguing, fascinating, gorgeous, beautiful, dynamic

color changin'   textured bark ..

this blessed living creature..  can I keep it alive; give it the proper care, temperatures, water, light,

love?

-but,

whatever the future holds; as I am an utter novice..

I am grateful we have crossed paths; and so proud and happy to bring you home with me

***

and of course, like any good, new and nervous mom..  I asked questions of a couple experts..  the general manager, cyndee, with how many years in the industry and a master level gardener herself,  and I have sue Fordyce at alden lane..  the orchid doctor, the house-plants, and bonsai guru..

and they generously shared.. and imparted their knowledge,

but also,  -there is a certain look, a micro-expression I picked up on..

it is very similar to the one Ive seen over the years, on many people..  for many different reasons, from cooking, to parenting, to painting, to writing, to traveling

they share what they know..

and then,  the rest, and the risk,  ~ is up to you

     no guarantees...  good luck...   we wish you the best...

***











***

when something or someone is  'made for you'

what that means is this:

you have the highest appreciation for that object, knowledge, living creature or person
              I almost automatically know how to appreciate you; this comes very naturally to me

        -appreciation- should be studied with as much passion and vigor and curiosity as integrity..

truth; and justice

and love...

***

In Jesus..   please help me provide the proper care    's,    name...     amen.

posted by SHE @ 11:19 AM