SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

"Congratulations!!" to my (squidmann!!). from (me!) ~s.c.

-also sent via email..    check 'em out:  "18! books on amazon!"

***

briefly share some literary history here:  Leonard introduced me to the blogosphere..   and, honey.. I just could NOT BELIEVE! how awesome it was to read..  "AND RESPOND!"...   -the whole comments section thing was for me..  (me!)

the very definition of heaven on earth.  add on.. how much FUN to read and respond specifically to Leonard Stegmann..  because, well, he's super funny..  and his rather...  how can I say?   outdated view of the female species..  

Very familiar; just like my dad and brother...  his humor and objectifying..   next of kin.   Maybe if we did a genealogical study we'd find out we are related by more than words and attitudes..

anyway..  do you know..  

I read AND responded to Leonard stegmann's blog posts

nearly everyday for NINE years!   and as a writer..   if I were to graph out the internal joy experience,  -really it is higher for me when I'm reading and responding than when when I'm laying the foundation..

although, certainly I enjoy laying the foundation also, as evidenced by 10 years worth here on my own blog..   write.

anyway..  what happen was..  when Leonard started officially publishing via amazon..  one of the requirements was that he could not also have those same stories already published online.

so.. no blog, -you see..

he is learning this info, at the same time I am searching/courting literary agents and publishers..  with the pitch that Leonard and I are "the 21st century 84 charing cross road!".   -9 years worth of 5 day a week very entertaining exchanges!

I know sooner get a bite on the line.. I was casting out again and again and again..  

that I look at Leonard's blog...  and

and?!?!?!

AND?!?!

the entire 9 years worth of archives... 

GONE; VANISHED;    -as if it never existed..

well, I was just as certain as Jesus is the son of God, that there was a terrible virus that came and wiped all that revolutionary and entertaining article/comment off his computer..

so I contacted him very concerned..

that's when he explained he could not publish the 18 books you see in this picture unless he unpublished all the blog content..  the whole 9 years worth!

and so, at the same time I did understand..  

and I do understand.

but at the same time, I understand,

it was so painful to see 9 years worth of my comments so quickly and easily removed; unpublished..

I  never visited his blog again.  Too hard..  too hard..

I just wished him well, and we've exchanged some emails..  And him and his wife do send me heart seen contributions which I treasure...

***

now,  I am in a similar situation,  and literary just discussed this with my beautiful friend  Carla over our mutual February birthdays lunch celebration..

Because I am once again courting literary agents..   Here's part of my pitch

"... ~ ready now to condense, sculpt and organize my over 10 years worth of creative non fiction blog posts."

and I know in advance, agents and publishers don't want a writers writing already published somewhere else..

and they consider anything in a blog, already published.

-but it is exactly the ten years worth of blogging + my 9 years of reading and responding that has allowed me to develop, grow and improve my craft...

and! as a writer, as a human being, and an artist..   I like the raw and real..  

my dream of dreams is that both are made available:  a compelling and entertaining memoir, which does in fact condense, and organize in a more reader-friendly format, my disorganized slice of life stories..    and which is also a source of income..

And! My blog remains..   as a source of authentic validation..  and a means for seeing my growth as a writer and human being and Christian.

the platform..  the blogosphere..  is so revolutionary, it needs revolutionary agents and publishers also.   what we have now is a new platform adhering to old rules and laws....

So,

I work with advanced knowledge that this may take a little longer than for writers without blogs..

which makes me grateful for my church TV today:  Joel osteen with his, "set time" message..  about when God speeds things up...   and sister Joyce Meyers, with God providing energy and patience and peace beyond human understanding..  and! One of my favorites.. Bishop T.D. Jakes with Jesus/God as the ultimate gift..  and that gift is LOVE..   which is a force nothing can stop...

I know its all true!

In Jesus great and powerful and patient name..   hallelujah and amen!   xoxo

posted by SHE @ 9:22 AM 0 comments

MY BOOK DEAL & "SAVE THE DATES!" by (me!) sandra, tvgp

slowly spreading the word about my first book (not including the poetry one/no longer in handcrafted print). -got a note from my beautiful friend lisolette on facebook that read

posted by SHE @ 8:47 AM 12 comments

JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL.. prays (me!) sandra, tvgp

posted by SHE @ 5:58 AM 0 comments

"THANK YOU PLEASANTON TOASTMASTERS!" from (me!) sandra, tvgp

my daughter ran across this pin during a recent spring cleaning day

handed it to me with a smile. "isn't this your toastmaster pin?" she asked

"i worked damn hard for that little pin!" i told her

and i meant it.

i'm convinced in fact, that no one in the history of toastmasters international has worked harder than me to earn that "T" lapel pin, -which is about the size of a thumbtack, but can only be earned and worn if you've given TEN!

count 'em with me, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! speeches in front of your toastmaster peers.

this is no small task for anyone, but was a herculean task for me. -and even if you take for granted, the entire reason toastmasters exists is because the fear of pubic speaking is so real and widespread

the word fear to describe my circumstance is as pathetic as using the word wave to describe a tsunami

i was debilitatingly terror-fied. phobic. traumatized.

and that's the thing - i was traumatized - literally. had been traumatized not once but more than once over the years, and whereas during elementary school, as the president of student council i was at ease on stage giving speeches, by the time life got a hold of me, introduced me up close and personal to all things evil

well, thank God i made it through, but one of the consequences, if you will, one of the injuries from the brain and soul damage, was that i had completely lost my ability to speak in public without my hands shaking uncontrollably, without sweat dripping from every pore, without my voice quivering, without my knees knocking -sometimes to the point of tears.

it was not only an experience of utter dread psychologically, public speaking, it was a physical try-atholon getting my body and brain to cooperate with one another

and i'm not joking and only slightly exaggerating when i say i put in 80+ hours practice to give 3-5 minute speeches. but the thing is

the thing is, i did do it. i can't remember HOW i met john, only that i did - i can't remember his last name, but see his face well on my mind's mini movie pixel screen, -and i have a picture of us together in yosemite (yosemite is where i hear God the clearest)

anyway.. his mention of toastmasters was my first time learning about the organization, and i ended up looking it up, finding and joining, the pleasanton toastmasters

somewhere inside me was just enough anger/frustration over losing this ability, that i was motivated to try and regain it

and retrospectively, having joined in 1995, i can say with great confidence and gratitude, that the very reason i was able to stick with it and give 10 speeches and earn my ctm pin, was because the PEOPLE, the founders, (frank, dan, .. some memory loss here) and my fellow toastmaster peers, were some of the best, most compassionate, supportive, kind, encouraging people one could ever hope to surround themselves with

and i can't say the result, all these years later, is that i ever jump with enthusiasm and excitement toward an opportunity for public speaking

but i did grow from total phobic, with shakey body/voice/hands, to giving speeches at my college, sitting on panels to discuss given topics, appearing on television to talk about my mag time frames, appearing on local tv30 to talk about blogs and books, talking to larger audiences to teach arts/crafts workshops, participating in various open mic events in literary circles, standing in front of 500 people at the bankhead theatre as a cast member of the vagina monologues

(and write here i feel myself re-telling my own story with a healing/optimistic/grateful heart)

AND all of that seemed quite impossible prior to joining the pleasanton toastmasters. (so thank you again!) -which i learned about by first meeting john (last name?) -so thank you! again too

i just finished rewatching a vhs video tape of my very first toastmaster speech. -makes me cry.

i want to have icvdm edit it/get it up, available on my blog somehow. my outfit has a certain entertainment value..

but the speech i wrote and gave has a great deal of personal value. your first speech is to be about yourself. i told about myself indirectly, through talking about my family members

talked about how my mom found a $20 in the produce section at safeway.. waited some 45 minutes in the store trying to find the person who may have lost it, so she could return it to its writeful owner, and shared how i share my mom's conscience

talked about getting laid off from work (no $ in savings), and how i called my dad, and my dad said, "you are not the 1st person to be laid off, you are not the last. take yourself out for a really nice steak dinner, and then tomorrow.. start looking for a job" -and how i share my dad's pragmatism

talked about my brother, larry, dressing up like gene simmons from kiss, shooting fire flames from his mouth with a hanger, matches, hairspray.. his wild imagination.. and how he went from singing with a pretend mic and air guitar in his bedroom, to forming/lead singing in a rock n' roll band, and performing for some 15 years at local clubs. -and how i don't share my brother's singing voice, but i do share his imagination

then instead of talking about my sister, i shared (by memory!) a poem i had written for her for her 26th birthday.. it is a mushy/gushy, sweet and sentimental, rhyming and entirely sincere poem, and then i closed by saying, that with my sister, "i share everything"

so that was my big wrap up, upon introducing myself for my 1st toastmasters speech:

i share my mother's conscience, i share my father's pragmatism, i share my brother's imagination, and with my sister, i share everything"

remains true to this day.

and with my sister's bday approaching quickly, i have it in my mind that i'd like to re-write that poem and present it again for her 40th birthday bash at casa orozco's

but not by memory. and not as a toast. -just tucked inside a handmade birthday card.

posted by SHE @ 10:56 AM 8 comments

Exit Interview: 8th Poet Laureate of Pleasanton, CA. (Me!) sandra, tvgp

who came up with the idea.. the genius idea of the exit interview? -a chance to share some truths which for a variety of reasons cannot be shared while you hold a given position, but which are of great value ultimately.. and so when it no longer matters.. that is; what can they do -fire you? you are already leaving..

ah, now you can tell the truth:

my truth is that I never wanted to be poet laureate. -ever.  are you kidding?  I saw how much time and effort and energy..  I don't have that kind of time, energy.. I'm using everything up just to keep food on the table and gas in the car..

It is, may I remind you "a volunteer position!".  -you don't get paid a dime.

I was perfectly content attending other poet laureate's events as an audience member and sometimes a speaker/reader..  I knew how much prep work to plan, host, market, promote.. Etc. Etc. Went into these events..   -no thank you. 

but that helps explain exactly why I did ultimately step up to the plate.  Because when I moved to pleasanton many years ago.. The writer in me looked for writerly things to do..  and so I attended who knows how many workshops, readings, open mics,..  That other people and poets hosted.  I am a direct beneficiary.

to not step up to the plate, in my mind, would have been to be an all take and no give person; which I am most definitely not.

Charlotte Severin called me and encouraged me to apply.  I have very high respect for Charlotte Severin, a great love and respect for the literary arts..  and I knew it was time to give back..

but! I also knew I was in no position to plan, host, market, promote, organize 30 different workshops like Deborah Grossman..

this position, may I remind.. Is volunteer. No pay. AND.. it all takes place in addition to the job you already have..  and on top of family and other life responsibilities..

I prayed on all of this..  before I set out to..  jump through several hoops which are required for this no pay, volunteer position.

Hoop #1.  application.  Hoop #2. 7 person panel Interview.  /we know how much I love to be interviewed, -write.   As much as I love public speaking..  Hoop #3 seems like there was another interview?  Hoop #4: city council meeting, reading, official approval.

K.  Begin:   I did host a couple workshops, and attend some readings, open mics..

Let me skip here to what Julie Finegan recently said to me..

"You did do some out of the box things as poet laureate."

and what I explained to her is what I will explain here.  I did not set out with an ambition of being out of the box..

Rather, I had a very realistic understanding of what I could and could not do based on the rest of my life; what time and energy I could actually devote.. and I knew I could not host lots of workshops..

"What CAN I do?"

Answering this question for myself turns out to have resulted in  two creative, first time projects, for me, that I am 1. Enormously proud of, and 2. Eternally grateful for..

Kissin The Chocolate Blues.. my onstage valentine for Dr Maya Angelou.. and, 8 shots of ink, my documentary which honors the history of the poet laureate program itself, and recognizes past poet laureates..

So!  None of that possible without green lights from the Firehouse Art Center administrators who I answered to, and collaborated with..

I'm extra grateful because it required a certain patience, generosity, diplomatic guidance, trust on their part, in helping me, a rookie/novice..   what was very basic/familiar/obvious to them, was bran new to me

-how many rehearsals?  what do you want on the stage?

I'm embarrassed to tell you.. I hadn't pre-thought of any of that..   Completely listened and made things up as I went along..

I only knew the big picture things.. The primary vision.  -none of the actual details.. man power.. Time.. Cost... Etc.

So "God Bless And Thank You!" to the FAC administration, tech team, AND to the talented, remarkable people who contributed to these two projects: Faith Alpher & Jessica Raeber (KTCB) and..

Casey Boyden, filmmaker, Jane Berry, production/film consultant (8 shots).   

Although I do not get paid as poet laureate, I do have a budget from which I can pay others..  So, the 1st year.. I pretty much exhausted my budget compensating Faith Alpher..    and! By any other standard she would have received much more money for her time, talent.. But she accepted a lower fee for the greater good..

You can't imagine how much that means to me.

and the 2nd year I pretty much exhausted my budget compensating Casey Boyden..   who we all know is going to have his name attached to great films in the future.. So, how blessed and exciting to contribute to his start and resume..  his talents exceed what this basic/interview format required, so I am grateful he scaled back for the greater good..

that means however, that all the talent, time, effort, expertise Jane berry contributed was.. Like mine.. -voluntary.

I am especially grateful, deeply grateful to Jane for all she did, -on top of having a high demand 50hr. Week plus job, a husband, son.. Family responsibilities..

the only reason 8 shots exists.. Is because Jane was on the team and at the meetings..  A true professional.  She created the spreadsheets, she negotiated Casey's fees on his behalf, she articulated my big, vague, artistic visions into a language the administrators understood and could actually green light.

I don't get the impression Jane believes in God.. But I have news for her.. 

God sent her to me..  that is the only viable conclusion I can come up with..   The literal definition of a God send..

"Thank you!". 

I pass the baton soon, my two year term is nearly complete!  I have satisfied my own internal need to give back and contribute. I can look myself in the mirror; sleep well at night..

and I have these two projects I'm so proud of!   I had all my favorite pleasanton poets on the same stage and that same time!  Jim Ott, Deborah Grossman, kirk ridgeway!  -awesome! 

I knew I couldn't take the baton and raise it.. 

In my 20's and 30's.. I would not have accepted the baton UNLESS I could raise it.

But in my late 40's..  I decided to accept the baton not with the intention of raising it; but! To avoid letting it hit the ground.

-applications were not piling up for the position..  each year the number of applicants was shrinking..

I think its because people started to really see how the expectation for this volunteer position was almost impossible to fulfill..

I think.. We need to lower the expectation, increase the gratitude..

and!  perhaps compensate financially the position itself.  

interesting the message it sends:   jump through these hoops; and then do all these jobs..    -for free.

so.. in between work and family for the past two years I have been doing these other projects on my days off.. Which means I haven't really had a true day off in a long while..  

I am really looking forward to having a true day off very soon.

thoughts and gratitude..   

~sandra harrison kay
pleasanton poet laureate 2013-2015.

posted by SHE @ 8:51 AM 0 comments

KNOW (me!) BY NAME(S)... by (me!) sandra, tvgp..

Dear Dear David Placek,    I was watching CBS Sunday Morning just now, and think I heard..

yes.. I think I heard.. (Stop. Rewind. Playback.)

"You charge $100,000.00 to come up with brand NAMES?!?"

I certainly could use $100,000.00 ...   because at last glance I think I was sitting at about..   -.35    In my bank account. (There is no typo..  ). and zero in savings.   Now.. check this out: I saw my lucky number in this same segment.  /see prior post.  And! so, I had the knowledge some big money is headed my way..  but from who?   -no idea..

until!  until I rewatched the show..  and re-listened to them interview YOU..  Couldn't quite make out what they said your name was..

David placid? David classic?  so I researched by the name and city of your company..and... "Bingo!".    -bingo.. that's a great name isn't it..

anyway.. I clicked on careers.. perused the criteria/qualifications..

and.. Well, you might accidentally pass me over or ignore me all together based on your criteria, so allow (me!) to instead ...

drop a few names... /name drop..   a few of the names I've come up with.. On my very own! over the past very many years:

ready?

my website:  WriteousMom.com.    -great play on words don't you think?  -combines many things, many aspects in just a few catchy syllables: I am a writer.. I am  a Christian; highly spiritual, I am a very proud, very blessed mom..       occasionally people will mispronounce.. But that is the rare exception, not the rule.. Most times I receive compliments..  " great name!".  "Oh that's good.. That's fun.". " I really like that."

my Blog:  SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com.    -its a little long, I admit that..  But it is very fitting!   more than a few people comment on how I am always smiling..  and a lot of what I write is serious, but I like to tackle serious subjects in a playful way.. Tongue n cheek, so to speak..   having endured my fair share of traumas.. im grateful for the ability to still smile.. Smile big.. Smile authentically...    Of course I am female.. So that's the SHE part of the name.. And girls and Womens issues are very important to (me!) And I sometimes make effort to speak on behalf of females in general..   So that's how I came up with that name.. And I do receive a variety of compliments on that name too..

I'm very proud of the name I came up with for the first piece I ever wrote for theater..  Check this out:

Kissin' the Chocolate Blues.

this was a stage play I wrote and co-starred in to say "thank you!" To my favorite poet, speaker, author, entertainer.. Dr Maya Angelou.. I performed it in February.(black history month). As an onstage valentine (think chocolate, romance. Hugs and kisses) .. and the content speaks to how people sing the blues.. That is, rising above the blues by the very singing of it..     I'm very proud of that name.. And also received many compliments..

just very recently.. I named the documentary I co-created for the city of pleasanton:

8 shots of ink.   -very proud of that name..   here I combined my position as the 8th poet laureate of pleasanton.. With -shots-  which has the double meaning of drink shots.. Fun! and medicinal shots.. Healing!  with the INK common to writers.. and tattoos..    I've also received many compliments on that name..

in august of 2015 I will celebrate 10 years of blogging!  And so I have also all this experience giving titles to essays, blog posts, poems, feature articles, etc. Etc.   Thousands!!

I named the class I taught at the pleasanton poetry, prose and art festival..  Also, fun play on words:  Must Love Blogs..    -received many compliments on that name..

My resume for coming up with names is pretty long.. and based on feedback: pretty cool, pretty catchy, and pretty funny..

the thing is..  while I have received lots and lots of compliments, what I have never received is

a dime.

for many years.. Based on my instincts and experience, passion, gifts and talent.. well, I always thought I would one day..

Some day!

make my living as a writer or artist.  My business card reads:

literary & mixed media artist.

but now!  based on seeing my lucky number on money! and on the special MONEY edition of CBS Sunday Morning

in which they interviewed YOU..  and which sent my mind on a "I named that!" Memory tour..

now I realize that..  I'm destined to make my living the way you do!  a namer.

Yes..

Sandra Harrison Kay..

you shall know (me!) by my name(s).

Like.. tvgp for instance.. That stands for: Tri-Valley gypsy poet..

-for very obvious reasons...  and  I get a lot of compliments on that too.. but what I really need to get..  Is..

Paid.

look forward to hearing from (you!)

Blessings!   xo$xo$xo$

posted by SHE @ 9:52 AM 4 comments