Powerful Internal Experiences for (me!) sandra, tvgp
i will return soon to write about Washington and share more pictures; writing now so this recent experience doesn't escape. I was originally going to share it exclusively with my psychologist daughter, but.. will surprise no one i'll write here first; then share..
bullet points only
1983ish -as is already well documented I was ambushed by evil forces. kidnapped at gunpoint/raped.
I will not spend 20 pages telling you how often people -not meaning to.. not meaning to, but..
how often I was told had I only done this, or that.. why didn't I?
like, -I had to feel even worse because I didn't handle being ambushed at gunpoint -the correct way.
-for instance
why didn't I scream?
well, I can't be sure.. I only know that what I did, was -freeze in shock and total silence; follow orders given by angry man with gun at my temple
***
so, in addition to the trauma, ptsd, etc. it played on my heart and mind.. why didn't I scream?
and, -fast forward...
and i'd give anything if I could on my own remember -when? months later.... years... a whole decade? I don't remember the when, I remember the what:
I had a dream, which I can still recall in detail, but bullet point here: essentially, my brother, my sister and myself -we were slowly seduced by this cult... these red robed wearing eastern religion looking people.. and it involved an eventual chase.. and we were trying to escape.. and at some point
I wake myself up screaming very loud.
and, my personal interpretation at the time.. like, wow! that was the scream that didn't come out when it was supposed to..
a very belated scream.
***
I never interpreted the dream beyond being very weary of cults, and anyone wearing red robes.. shaved heads.. those kind of things. -with caution... red robes = caution.
k.
now..
fast forward again... decades!
to, just the other night of 2019.
and i'm watching expedition unknown, I think it was.. and see some monks... and those red robes.. etc.,
and, I've seen them on tv, in books, etc. over the years with a kind of indifference I suppose,
but
like.. an epiphany of a very new and spiritual kind, -in my imagination, I see the monks from my dream long, long, long ago.. the very ones that caused me to scream
but this time we look at each other with great respect and esteem
and no words are exchanged, but a telepathic understanding is exchanged
and I get to learn that, well..
we knew you needed to release that scream, so we helped you...
-they never meant any harm at all; they only helped.
****
wild. to me... a wild, powerful internal experience; so brief, with such a long history, but I am changed forever in unexplainable ways, and in unquantifiable amounts.
***
In Jesus name, and with gratitude to the monks.. amen.
#IWA #pullman @writeousmom
Isaiah 40:30. Weekend remembered by (me!)
***
and there was a bbq to honor first responders at the sub-acute pediatrics hospital home in saratoga -and I was extra proud to arrive on the arm of my retired deputy... where i was surrounded by earth angels (nurses/doctors, teachers, healthcare providers in general at all levels) and "thank you!" jennifer, james, becky.. enjoyed a tour of the facility.. beautiful home. the uplifting murals throughout -yellow submarine, ocean, marine life, forests, beautiful trees, nature..
gorgeous, very real, landscape of the bbq area itself; the healing view from the large windows in each hospital room
and to learn -the severe nature of the health challenges these infants, toddlers, young children face
how, -the reason for my strikethroughs above,
how, some (not all) of these babies/children are abandoned by family/friends
and the hospital becomes their home
healthcare providers become the only family they will know
and I will not be the same, having held an almost two year old
affectionately referred to as budda baby because, well
I said with a smile, "don't you lose one ounce! I love a chunky baby!"
and the weight of this baby on my lap, in my arms; the best!
and I kissed his forehead, and gazed into his dark beautiful radiant expressive eyes
and I said to Jesus..
"I pray a miracle for this baby -I don't even know how to pray for less than a miracle"
and a list of miracles I've been praying for traveled through my mind.. all involve physical healthcare challenges of people I know and love
***
and, the weekend included a wonderful visit and dinner with my dad and his wife, me and my sexy and his son, and my daughter and her sister-like best friend..
fills me up, this family/friend time.. always lifts and strengthens..
***
and it included an early morning hike to eagle rock at alum rock.. with spectacular views! and, I had to reconquer.. because I had done it easily, climbed eagle rock, on one hike.. then, couldn't do it at all on another hike..
but back up and on, with some extra challenge climbing back off.. but "did it!" and was so happy to share this experience with my daughter and her bff
and then morning hike followed by
pizza and beer and...
***
dear offensive coordinator of the Vikings,
please explain:
when you average 7.5 yards per run
successfully! throughout the entire game
why?!?
when you could have easily run 7 yards in 3 or 4 plays
and!
your passing plays had already demonstrated unsuccessful throughout the game
why did you go with the
demonstrated unsuccessful
vs.
" RUN DON'T PASS!" "you could have got a touchdown!"
no one,
no one at the whole park town pizza
or
commentators on tv..
or even total strangers just passin' by...
like, no one understood that decision.
but,
we would like to give you the opportunity to explain:
space provided write here:
***
and
regarding your 2nd quarter collapse
dear Raiders,
sometimes, when I don't understand something intuitively,
or, like with football, i'm relatively new and have a lot to learn..
so,
I did change out of my Vikings shirt and into my Raiders shirt for the game
and I did enjoy some of my sexy's bacon wrapped jalapeno poppers
and he enjoyed some chocolate chip cookies I 'breaked'n baked' with my own two hands
so,
it's a win for us no matter what, but..
we would like a win/win
that's our prayer for the season
and, then
ever since I learned it is possible
for Vikings and Raiders to play against each other in a superbowl
i'm praying for that too
that would be AWESOME!
and I know about the 1971.. or '77...
so,
I believe Vikings are due for both:
superbowl
and!
superbowl victory!
my sexy has his entire very purple superbowl party already envisioned with great detail in his imagination
"and the whole house will be covered in purple paper...
and we'll serve grape fanta and welches grape soda..
purple lights everywhere!....."
***
so pick yourselves back up football players
it is already prophesized in the bible who will win:
even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fail
but they that wait upon the LORD shall RENEW THEIR STRENGTH; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will "RUN!"
/"RUN! NOT PASS.. not pass when passing has not worked the whole game!
Vikings..! don't you read the bible ?"
where was I?
they will RUN and NOT GROW WEARY,
they will walk and not be faint..
***
for an especially wonderful weekend, "thank you! Jesus"
"cheers!"
and hallelujah and amen.
The Heart(s) Seen by (squidmann! & spike!)
"Thank You!" -these are great.. and, extra fond of those big floppy heart shapes; high charm!
****
Per email:
This was from the salad bar at Round Table Pizza.
It looks like it's etched in but it's actually part of the materials design!
Wet spot on a path in Half Moon Bay!
The Heart Seen. by (me!) ~tops
In the pancakes I made for my sexy this very morning
"Thank you Jesus!" ~amen
Savanna Jazz, San Carlos (Le Perez!)
"Victory Raiders!" -no surprise to (me!) sandra, tvgp
"Smile!" photo by (me!) sandra, tvgp
now, no one asked me to take this picture
it happened because i like taking pictures; staging pictures
and when i am cashering -solo, which happens sometimes
i cannot leave the kiosk
so,
if i want to take a picture, i can only work with plants/accessories that are very nearby
and, so,
"oh! my goodness.. look how gorgeous these potted plants; deep greens and purples.. what a celebration of fall"
"oh.. look at these cute little scarecrows.. wouldn't you look cute in a picture.."
and a customer came through, a new customer
which means i'll be handing them a September newsletter
and as I handed the newsletter, it caught my eye.. the size of the alden lane map.
and then when I gave a 25% coupon from the newsletter, and clipped it out for a different customer, on the back I saw the size of the fall festival announcement
~and wouldn't those scarecrows look so cute in those gorgeous plants holding these signs!
and i fussed with lining up the potted plants at a certain height on an alden lane cart
and fussed with scarecrows, where they each should stand
and tapped the signs to their chests
and turn the cart to an angle which provided a beautiful background
"k, now... smile for me!"
****
and i can sometimes hear my now grown children ...
past the age of agreeing to pose for me over and over
well, they are like, "thank you!" to plants and things.. because now she leaves us alone
/in a playful, lighthearted way..
iJnA.
"Victory Vikings!" -no surprise to (me!) sandra, tvgp
I was already solidly a warriors fan before I met my sexy,
but, football, not so much
I am a new recruit when it comes to being a Vikings fan; and only as a direct result of my sexy being a long time Vikings fan
and he explained to me early on.. well, being a Viking fan was going to be very different from being a Warriors fan
like, -rule #1: don't get your hopes up
and #2: mainly wish for other teams to lose, for Vikings to move forward
and things along those lines
but,
remember how the Warriors became World Champions, like.. only recently
/when my sister and I started watching...
well,
yesterday was the first Viking game of the current football season
and so,
I wore my spirit wear to work
and I touched the petals of 4 different purple flowers while I was there..
so,
you're welcome
iJnA.
How & Where We Met: Barones, Music Under The Stars (sexy! & tops!)
and true story! my mom even happen to capture it on her phone video -the saints were at it again..
because I have a great track record when it comes to dancing with a drink in one hand and never spilling.. /1 or 2 mess ups only
and the last time I dropped a drink -I was dancing with my sexy
and quicker than you can blink, it came to me
"I have two hands free now!"
and I put one on each side of Robert's face, pulled him close to me and gave him a great big kiss
and,
it happened again when we were there celebrating my sister's birthday
-my drink got hit by someone's dancing elbow I think; don't know for sure..
but,
honey,
quicker than you can blink
and everyday I thank Jesus that I get to kiss my sexy
for breakfast..
for dinner...
for dessert
and anytime I want to
and I want to
a lot.
hallelujah & amen!
photos for alden lane nursery by (me!) sandra, tvgp
who can spot the 'swiss cheese' plant?
***
and my heart leaps with joy anytime someone asks me to take a picture. but, here's the thing: I have only at the time of this most recent photo shoot, my phone camera. and it does not include any fancy features, like the one that focuses on a item, and blurs the background.. /maybe my next phone.. the best camera
but, because I do not have special lighting, special features to work with
well, actually, I don't mind.. I regard it immediately as a creative challenge. and I will hold a plant and walk it around here and there, and there and 'hey! how 'bout write here!'
where the natural light is already complimentary, and I will fuss with background and environment, sometimes clearing things away, or adding and staging..
until, 'click' -and then will look to see what the camera lens sees..
and then make more adjustments.. crop... fix/fuss.. 'click'
until.. some internal criteria of the mysterious aesthetic value kind, is met. inside, my heart/mind will agree: that's it!
and I was especially delighted with how.. 'look how that shows off your curves!' /see the curvy leaf plant
well, I tried capturing those curves in a number of settings.. then spotted an orange tub -then played with how far the plant sat inside, and from what distance I should hold the camera..
and had my goldilocks experience: too close; too far; just write...
and then fell in love with how the orange complemented the green.. and used it again to capture the lacey feature of the swiss cheese leaves... yes.
and, the only way I can refocus on other work there is to do.. cashiering, receiving, cleaning, watering, pricing.. merchandising... whatever
well, I have to go literally put my phone camera -away.
far away.
and the only way I will stop taking pictures once ive gotten started...
by request. or suggestion. or non-verbal 'that's enough/back to work child' cues
because if no one restricted me.. i'd be taking more pictures write now.
and speaking of work -time to get ready
iJnA ~amen
"Happy Birthday Keeshie!" with love, from all of us
Doin' Time as understood by (me!) ~tops
and so i had to go over it one last time with my sexy
"just want to be sure," I said with a smile, "that I've got this write:
* you don't have to pay rent, or any bills of any kind
* you get free air conditioning
* free water for your showers
* someone else does your laundry -and you pay no fee
* you have access to gym equipment you didn't buy, or earn..
* someone else does the shopping, paying and meal preparation..
and provides you THREE FREE MEALS A DAY.. and cleans up after you
* you have access to FREE PHYSICAL/MENTAL HEALTHCARE upon request -you do not have to pay for medical insurance.. or pay for any of the health services you receive, not even a co-pay
* you have FREE recreation time -pizza and popcorn nights, where movies are played on a 48" flatscreen tv -and you don't have to pay a cent for the pizza, the popcorn or the movie, or do anything special to earn it as a privilege...
-so, just to be sure... you dont pay for anything, food, rent, healthcare, tv, air conditioning, water/shower...
do I have this write? this is what it is like for people in jail? prison? -this is what it is like, ~doin' time?"
and my sexy once again reminded me how, -back in the day, criminals at least had to make their beds to earn recreation time, but no such criteria has to be met anymore. -something about it being 'inhumane' -that inmates should be required to do anything..
and my sexy reminded me again, how.. once upon a time, the inmates were at least required to show respect to the officers,
but how now.. they can spit at, hit, cuss at, yell, scream, taunt, chronically provoke and even physically assault officers; but they lose none of the amenities mentioned above - they don't have to make their beds, they don't have to show any respect, they don't have to pay for anything; earn anything...
and officers are held responsible for the behaviors of the inmates -they have nothing to leverage; and the 'unnecessary force' policies/procedures -while they may have been initially written with good intention; have created a gigantic disincentive for law enforcement officers to respond to anything...
-when I add all this up..
and so, I asked my sexy.. "like, what is the very least crime you can do to get yourself inside jail.. because, when I look at this growing homeless population here in san jose...
the idea of getting three free meals a day, a shower, and some pizza/popcorn... clean clothes... shelter..
and I am quite serious about the trade up there... "
but the other thing..
I mean -if you are serving three or five or twenty years in jail.. and for three or five or twenty plus years you haven't had to hold a job, pay for anything, make a bed.. do your own laundry, shopping, cleaning..
if essentially you haven't had to do a thing that is in fact required in the outside world; if you haven't had any self accountability/responsibilities
and your time is up..
and you are suddenly set -free.
under the current system -you have been literally set up to fail in the outside world.
and that is exactly what is happening over and over again..
but as homelessness, and jail reform are not my personal calling -I will just pray "thank you!" for every dangerous criminal that is removed from our streets, "thank you!" to every law enforcement officer doing their job in highly restrictive and hostile conditions.. "thank you!" to my sexy for his 26+ years of noble service.... and move on..
***
in Jesus name, ~amen.
