SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

August 20  2026

I am not writing this because I have to; I am inspired to write this.

I need to start by providing a glossary, and pre-explaining my understanding; the common, and my personal definition/meaning for some of the terms I’ll be using.

VICTIM:  someone who has their life altered [or taken] via threats, violence, evil, natural disaster; trauma

 Would add here:  victims can often include those who witness someone being victimized; or being a loving family/friend of someone victimized.  The impact is not isolated to the ‘actual’ victim.

VICTIM MINDSET:  results in living a defeated life as a consequence of having been victimized

VICTIM BLAMING:  focus places fault and responsibility on the victim, rather than correctly placing  fault/responsibility on the evil predators; criminals 

SURVIVOR:  someone who is not killed; but continues to live in the aftermath of being a victim of evil and/or trauma

CONQUEROR: someone who lives a victorious; not defeated life; in the aftermath of being victimized by evil or traumatic events

PREY:   the victim(s) of an evil criminal predator

PREDATOR:   an evil, manipulative and/or violent criminal who targets; threatens/controls; traps; attacks; kidnaps; tortures; rapes; murders their prey

CONFIDENCE: the internal feeling/knowledge one will be successful at… given activity

INSPIRATION VS MOTIVATION: 

INSPIRATION – In-Spirit; In-spired; divinely energized; guided. 

MOTIVATION an important event and/or goal; that results in temporary, unsustainable, but greater focus/discipline toward a self or other imposed objective.   

FEAR:  an internally experienced/interpreted emotion that suggests danger/negative consequences of one kind or another is imminent

JEALOUSY:   ENVY:  an internally experienced/interpreted emotion that results from wishing you could have or experience what someone else has or is experiencing.

GAS LIGHTING: an intentional, or un-intentional way of making someone doubt their own truth; feel insecure and unvalidated.   It is a form of emotional/psychological abuse to be sure.

SECULAR VS CHRISTIAN:  for purposes of convenience, I will use ‘secular’ to refer to anyone not Christian.

CONSECRATED:  an internally experienced/interpreted knowledge one is sacred; set apart, resulting from cultivating a relationship with Jesus via prayer, Bible study

SANCTIFIED:  people/events; things that receive God’s blessing/anointing

SPIRITUAL DISCERNMENT:   divinely guided judgement; assessment as to the true motivation of others

-I’m sure there is more; but that allows me to get started; let’s go:

Wait. One more, because EVY uses it often in her talk

INHIBITOR:   something that slows, interferes, stops/prevents us from moving forward in life.

******

An overview of my assessment of Evy’s TEDx talk in Athens, Greece; as viewed on YouTube

Evy’s genuine goal: to help others ‘really live’ by recognizing and overcoming the things that ‘inhibit’ them.

She earns audience respect and attention by sharing her background as a special secret service agent for the white house; and by sharing how she was there, and how she survived the 9/11 tower attack.

In her opening statements, we learn she ‘worked criminal investigations; serious crimes, across the board.  And I did interviews and interrogations.’

I will share my background here, as a person who did not ‘work’ criminal investigations or serious crimes; but who has experienced being prey and victim to multiple evil criminals; surviving multiple serious, life-threatening and violent crimes.    At all times remembering, while I was the actual victim and prey; My parents and siblings were also deeply traumatized.

A bullet point review:

Age 6:   home invasion; kidnap; sexual assault/prey;  -by a masked predator, who threaten to kill my family should I tell.    This evil predator was an ex-convict; when police found him, he had already been shot to death by a former cell mate.

Age 16:  date-rape/prey; manipulated into isolation; kidnapped; raped; eventually released.  This evil serial rapist was successfully prosecuted; already in the ‘wanted’ albums in police records; had isolated and raped 2 other young women (on record) before me that opted out of seeking prosecution; which set him free to claim me as prey.  He was sentenced to 20 years in prison to be deported to his country of origin upon release.

Age 17:  I became the #2 victim of the lakeside serial rapist in san Leandro, calif.  Kidnapped at gun-point; isolated; hooded; raped   -had a loaded gun shoved in the temple of my head for an extended period of time with violent angry threats; listening to this evil, violent, predator, debate out loud whether I should live or die.  His #1 victim committed suicide; which I regard as murder; his last victim, was also found murdered;  I say ‘last victim’ because it was after that,  his pattern broke and the serial rapes in/around san Leandro stopped.  He was never found; remained at large.   I do not know, have never been allowed to know; have zero knowledge about who my sister-victims/prey survivors were; are.  -anything about the victim/prey who committed suicide; or the victim/prey who was found murdered.   There were 9 (?)  10, 11 of us in total

·         You will note here, I do use both words consciously:  victim.  prey.

While the intentions may be good, not wanting victims to adopt a victim mindset; this euphemistic approach/method  -is experienced by me as a form of gas-lighting

Me; my opinion/my experience:

To tell someone who has been victimized  -you’re not a victim..   don’t use the word victim..

You are not prey

This denial of our real life experience; toying with, euphemizing the vocabulary..

More harm, than the intended good.

I agree with verbiage:   Victims of Violent Crimes.    Prey to sexual predators.

    [but, it is what happened to you; not who you are; that is the distinction]

I was victimized.   I was, in fact, the prey of sexual predators.   My body, my family was victimized;  our home was broken into by an evil predator.   I was, in fact, prey,  to a serial rapist predator who consciously manipulated and isolated his victims.  I was the prey/victim of a serial armed rapist.

I was also, in a bank that was arm-robbed, with one of the armed criminals pointing his gun in my direction; shaking, nervous.   Skip here, to and I also thought he would impulsively spray shoot and I would die, along with several others.

***

Now, I will move forward here by sharing, while I was victimized; I was prey

And while I did for some looooooong time need to battle a victim/prey mindset;

I evolved, over time, and Thank You to God, The Bible, Prayer, my Christian walk;  (long list of family/friend support)

I successfully evolved from battling a victim/prey mind set into ‘really living’ a victorious, not defeated life.

I battled the most severe forms of PTSD for years and years..

It is common knowledge within the mental health & well being industry; that people who have experienced PTSD are more likely to experience it again in the face of new threats/traumas.

The next (major) traumatic event in my (our) life, came:

Age 53:  July 2019; when my now husband called me while I was work at alden lane nursery in Livermore, ca.  to share his sister was in the hospital; she had been brutally beaten.  I left work immediately to join them. Ultimately, Cynthia Mykkanen, died after being brutally tortured; maliciously, violently murdered by her own son, Ryan Garner.  He was sentenced (in 2024) First Degree Murder.

If ever there was a time, an event, that would send me into an unrecoverable PTSD spiral

This violent murder of my husband’s sister was certainly it.

But, I can tell you, all the time I invested cultivating a relationship with Jesus; studying the Bible; learning from Bible teachers, all my praying; all my ‘listening’   -interpreting guidance

All my spiritual training   -which has become a way of life for me

All of it combined to help me  -and help me help others;  navigate this horrific, heart-wrenching, preventable, violent, torturous murder.

Cynthia was the victim of a violent, evil, predator.   She was murdered.   She was Ryan’s prey.

***

And before I continue, note:  each of the evil predators/criminals I’ve mentioned; all had criminal track records; all ex-convicts, all served jail time where our laws allowed them freedom; and they used that freedom to find new prey and victimize more innocent people.

****

EVY  -in her effort to help people learn to ‘really live’   -found patterns,  after mentoring hundreds of different people; she found common ‘inhibitors’

First Inhibitor;  You’re not that special.    -Where feeling special, for criminals, results in justification of their crimes, ‘so special that rules and laws don’t apply to me’

And where special, for victims, results in becoming extremely self-focused; feeling alone; higher rates of depression/anxiety   -my pain is so unique, no one can understand

From a Christian perspective:  each human being is special; a unique masterpiece, made in the image of God, from love, by love, for love and with free will.    And for those who believe; you are never alone; God is always with you.

In my own heart/mind, this landed/rooted in me when I put this together:  God is love.  Where does love exist?  Inside you.   Whether you are giving or receiving love; it is experienced inside you.  And we know; we interpret it..  this, feeling loved; loving someone.  So, it is true for me:   Even as a young girl, as a young adult,   -even when I was being violated by a predator:   love was inside me.  These attacks were horrific to my body, especially my mind:  but they did not kill the love inside me.  The love I could still receive from my parents, siblings, friends; from first responders; the love I could feel toward them.  Should mention here:  Love is a fruit of the spirit.

I would suggest, in talking to my sister & brother survivors/conquerors:   You are a unique masterpiece.  You are never alone.  God is Love.  Love lives inside you.   -guess what else:  Love conquers all.

I also share:  it is tricky, not becoming self-absorbed in the aftermath of being victimized; in the aftermath of trauma.  From the Christian perspective; the enemy enjoys nothing more than a self-centered, self-focused, defeated human being.  Good does in fact have an enemy:  evil.   John 10:10 is very popular, well known, even among seculars, for good reason:  The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

“Thank You Jesus!”

I love Joyce Meyer’s teachings in this area:  get yourself off your mind; go do something for someone else.  I put her teachings to the test; and got great results.  

  -my own experience/teaching here:  you can only be conscious of one thought at a time; so if your thought is purposely to do good for someone else; you cannot simultaneously feel pity for yourself.

     I have re-read scripture many times:  think on these things.. Phillipians 4:8..   and daily re-newal of your mind scripture:  romans 12:2

She also teaches:   don’t park at the point of your pain.     -love this also..

Great lessons about what steals your peace and how to pursue, and regain it..

Great lessons on the waste of time pity parties are…

Great lessons on true freedom:  no one to impress; nothing to prove..

Great lessons on trusting God and doing good..

Great lessons on..      everything.      “thank you Joyce Meyer!”    -student for life

***

Second Inhibitor identified by Evy; and the number one thing she is asked about:

CONFIDENCE.

Oh! Did I ever, ever, ever struggle in this area  -and even more frustrating because of how often people would tell me,  you look confident.   You appear confident.    You don’t seem nervous..

When, on the inside, I was a fresh train-wreck remaining in tragic motion 

Fake it till you make it..     I was never ‘faking’ anything.   I was at all times, doing my best, giving it my all, at the same time, internally, I was a never ending wreck;   I can’t articulate how exhausting; how frustrating;

I longed, longed, longed to internally experience that mystical thing called confidence.

I would really study people who I thought had it..     I noted, confidence, is not a fruit of the spirit..  curious.

    -I have since come to understand there are two types of confidence:  secular and Christian

There are lots of confident criminals; confident performers on tv, stage, social media platforms; in sports; in the entertainment industry:  they are ‘confident’     -but they are also without integrity; values, morals; ethical codes to live by.

Christian confidence is born from cultivating a relationship with and trusting God.  A confidence born from a clean conscience; a pure heart;  not from being perfect or popular, but trying your best, with good intentions; aiming to please and glorify God’s name; walking in love

In regard to obtaining confidence, Evy describes it is false to think you need it  -before- you can do what you aim to do; rather, by doing the thing; you gain it.

I think a suitable analogy is becoming stronger physically.   If you want to weight lift and become stronger, you do not start by lifting the heaviest weights.   And you don’t not lift weights at all because you cant lift that heaviest weight  -write.

 You start small, light, and graduate to heavier weights, until next thing you know..

This has been my experience with Christian confidence.   I started small, and gradually my Chrisitan confidence grew.  I experienced set backs; I took breaks..   I tried again..    

I found my lane

I set realistic goals; and stopped setting unrealistic ones that resulted in my feeling even worse about myself [enemy tactic]   

I cant count here..  how many ‘take courage’ scriptures there are; but there are plenty..

I would say,   yes, I exercise courage..     results in more confidence.

Next Inhibitor identified by Evy;   MOTIVATION

Evy shares you don’t need confidence or motivation; motivation equals mediocrity.

In my glossary above, I distinguish between inspiration and motivation.  divine energy vs unsustainable effort

Quick life experience examples:

Long ago.. I was a invited to be a bridesmaid.  Long time ago..   and I was  -word?    I would be standing, on display, next to a few other bridesmaids, all of which who were..  tall, thin, fit & beautiful.   I was motivated by the fear of looking short, fat, sloppy & ugly in a more pronounced way, in permanent pictures..

This motivation resulted in my crash dieting; successfully, and losing significant weight prior to the wedding.   -unhealthiest approach; very temporary; utterly consuming/taxing; completely unsustainable.

Weight and self image were monster battles..           different but same:  debt; monster battle..

I know to now ask people:   If you were to wake up tomorrow morning debt free, and your dream weight.

How long could you maintain it?

I learned, unless you change your daily habits, routines, way of life; any progress is temporary.

Self-control is a fruit of the spirit   -Not God control; not mass media pressure control; Not spouse, family, church, work control..     SELF control

Like Evy, I would not recommend the need to feel ‘motivated’

I would suggest:   pray for INSPIRATION     In spirit..   In line with the holy spirit..    

90% of everything I do, write, create,      it is INSPIRED.   I don’t work at it; I just do it..

It is a great JOY!     -john 10:10  but I came..  enjoy life even til it overflows..!

Weight and money management are INSPIRED practices for me now; healthy, life long habits.

When I recognize I’m slipping, I get write to praying, asking the holy spirit to help strengthen my self-control; results are great.

Next Inhibitor identified by Evy;   VICTIM MINDSET

As I mentioned above; there is a distinction between being a victim; being prey and developing a victim mindset; a victim identity.

What can I use as an example or analogy?   I’m not sure to be honest,

In the aftermath of being a victim of violent crime; of being a predators prey

   There is this distinction  -what happen to you;  is not who you become.  A traumatic experience; not a life long identity

I am in agreement with working toward:  I survived being a victim..   I am a survivor of..

And,

Working toward, living a victorious, not defeated life..

I do remember being offended/insulted; frustrated because people expected me to adopt,

More than a conqueror way before I was more than a conqueror.

From the Christian perspective:  Your healing glorifies God’s name; living permanently defeated gives victory to the enemy.

From the Christian perspective:  We are all soldiers in a war.  Good vs Evil.   Light vs. Dark.

Righteous vs. Liars/cheaters; thieves..

In the Bible, scripture shares    -if we do not grow weary in well doing..   

Due season.

Robert & I frequently say out loud to each other    We are in due season, and there is no cap on due season!   -in gratitude; making sense of our ongoing blessings of family, friends, activities, opportunities..

VICTIM BLAMING

Evy also, like, many, many, motivational speakers before and after her:  she shares, we become what we think we are; and she mentions our body language

She talks about how repeat criminals were given footage of people walking..  asked which ones they would pick as prey;  -the criminals all picked the same people; people walking in a timid manner, people walking in an unaware manner..     targets.   People who walked with purpose; aware of their surrounding

Not targets.

People, well intentioned people,  Victim Blame all the time. 

While it is absolutely true, you can increase/decrease your chances of becoming a victim or prey by being aware of your surroundings; being cautious, etc.

I would need an incalculable number of pages to list the number of people, children, boys, girls, young adults, adults, seniors

Innocent victims of predators.   It is because predators; evil, violent criminals exist; freely walk our streets; murderers, rapists.  Many with track records, released back into society. Some target; most are opportunist,

And you may be in the wrong place at the wrong time;

We stand a much stronger chance of eliminating innocent victims of violent crime by catching criminals and keeping them behind bars.   Remove evil predators from society; permanently.

It’s the way you carried yourself…    you kind of asked for it..

I’ve literally heard this sentiment from the general public.   This level of ignorance is shameful.

 another Inhibitor identified by Evy;  thinking you need to heal to be resilient

‘healing is one thing, being resilient is something else.  Being resilient means I go through something traumatic, hard, tragic, whatever that is, but then I am able to recover from it.’

    And you really want to master resilience?  The more difficult things you get to do in life, the more resilient you become, because now you measure your bounce back rate.

Makes me think of Bible Scripture Proverbs 24:16

For though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again

I did at some point, and I could not tell you when, but I did at some point start paying close attention to my ‘bounce back’ rate; although I did not have or use that vocabulary

I know when I’m at peace; when I could feel my peace being stolen..  subsiding in any way..

I would work to get it back..Psalm 34:14

I paid attention to what stole my peace, and how long it took to get it back.  I’ve been able to recognize and return to optimal peace level faster and faster.

Same w/fear..     same w/insecurity..      same w/doubts..

None of them have disappeared entirely from my life; but I recognize and recover; I am, in fact, pretty resilient.

I’m going to slip in some parenting advice here because it’s relevant:  if and when you have a toddler, a young child, who throws tantrums,

Focus your attention on how long it takes them to recover; recognize and reward when they recover in shorter amounts of time.  

Also shared by Evy;  Facing Death

Her remarkable experience of surviving the 9/11 world trade center attack; her thoughts about potentially dying  if I make it through this, I’m going to live my life, so that the next time death comes for me, I’m going to be okay to go

I guess I should,

Interject here, briefly, to recognize how many people were killed; how many people did not ‘make it through this’ and get to ‘live their life, so that the next time death came..

Evy’s advice is solidly good: “really live”  -so that when death comes for you; you’re okay to go

From a Christian perspective  -None of us know; not one person KNOWS, when their life will end.  We walk in love, ‘really living’ means honoring God, serving others, manifesting the fruits of the spirit

Love * joy! * peace * patience * kindness * goodness * gentleness * faithfulness * self-control

Working as if you are working for God; not humans..

Letting all things be done in love..

Trusting God and doing good; being a cheerful giver..

I have every intention of writing a book, and better organizing the characteristics, values, behaviors, ways of being in the world, for Christians

And for Christians,

When you die here on earth; your spirit lives on in heaven, eternally

When you invite Jesus to be your Lord & Savior; Your sins confessed are forgiven; You are ‘saved’

For life eternal.

Often times, tucked in my prayers..   I’m like, I can’t believe I’m still here.. “thank you Jesus!”

And I do pray for a longer life..

I want to meet and love on as many grandchildren as God blesses our children to have..

We currently have 3 grandsons and our first granddaughter in womb..

Weddings and future family growth spurts to look forward to..

Should God call me home sooner rather than later..   I will be showering you all with love from above

Per Evy:   LIVING WITHOUT REGRETS

  … I can tell you, when it is your time to go, you’re not going to think about your cars, you’re not going to think about your money, you’re not going to think about your jobs, you’re going to think, did I live?  Am I okay to go?”

Per Me:  It is quite a luxury to pose it as a question “am I okay to go?”

Death does not wait until you’ve achieved all your personal ambitions.   Death comes to infants, toddlers, teens, young adults..   every age; every person; every race; every income level; every religion; every

Body.

Death comes in so many different forms:  poison, drowning, natural disasters, wars, drug overdose, malnutrition, suicide, attack, murder, car accident, cancer, variety of fatal illnesses, rare diseases; train/airplane wrecks, choking, electrical shock, animal attacks.. organ failures, athletic traumas…   

And for a percentage of humanity:   you die of old age; natural causes.   Wow to that.

I can’t say I live without regrets; it’s a popular phrase for many..

I have made people laugh by answering that question, do you have any regrets?

    “Yes.  And they’re all male”.

My life is full of regrets, mistakes, mishaps, embarrassments, errors of judgment, on and on

But I learn from my life experiences; it’s all ‘a part of life’  

I’m 60 years old now, I’ve met countless people, read countless books, watched countless interviews

I’ve not met, heard of, learned of any human being, anywhere on the planet, that just

successfully strolled write on through life unaffected, un-impacted by adversities, large or small.

It is easy to arrive at the conclusion that adversity and death are two main common denominators for humanity; period.    It’s no ‘cosmic accident’     It has purpose.

But to Evy’s point,  I’ve also learned not to let the regrets, mistakes, fears and fouls become permanent inhibitors

And to Evy’s point:   yes, LIVE, really live, while you are alive.

I would suggest, really living, involves walking in the spirit; not the flesh..

If you are in that process, anywhere in that process..

You are better off than those stuck catering to their flesh

John 17:3,   and this is the real and eternal life…

Evy says, you are nobody’s prey.  That’s where I disagree,

There are, in fact, evil predators among us; and innocent prey.  They prey on innocent victims; fact.

But what she says about fear, ‘it is not who you are’   is the same with prey.   It’s not who you are, it’s something that happened to you; something you survive; and evolve to conquer.

And, she associates resilience, your ability to withstand more and more and more..

With being at peace with death, when it comes.   “I’m okay to go because I lived.”

Christians are okay to go, when they lived a life worthy of God’s calling;

And for Christians “go”  means, to heaven; eternal love.

When death claims humans too young to even consciously ‘really live’

We trust them to God in heaven.  The creator of heaven and earth; giver of free will

Love itself.  

add here, for Evy, for myself, for anyone/everyone who does have 'near' death experiences; but gets to still live

for everyone who has their life threatened, but not taken.   that experience does in fact, in a most pronounced way, dramatically increase the mysterious, unmeasurable, thing we identify as 'appreciation' for life; of life.  what it means to be alive.  and like Evy, you desire to really live in a way, you hadn't prior to that experience. 

  -addendum, because, just remembered why I placed the word envy in glossary

It was to remind me to write about, how..

As tragic, horrific, violent and awful 9/11 was..

It was all over the news..

If anyone ever shares they were there..    everyone seems so comfortable bringing it up; or listening about it   -often, people re-living where they were; what they were doing..

   -feeling alone (or feeling special) in the pain and suffering 9/11 caused was not an issue; so many people suffered together; healed together

I have long envied anyone and everyone who can openly share their pain & suffering

But it is true to this day    -the pain and suffering rape victims experience does not receive the same reception, compassion or understanding as many other forms of pain & suffering

And there are still, despite some progress, many victims who will never speak of it; never share.

I’ve had to work to respect their wishes   -the Christian perspective makes it harder, because we view speaking out, sharing, telling, reporting, prosecuting; seeking justice  -all as giving glory to God

And being silenced; victory for the devil/enemy.   It gets interpreted as a loss in spiritual warfare.

But, when you respect the wishes of the victim, and don’t insist upon, or demand, they do something they do not want to do; when you put the victim in control     -allow them to exercise their free will; honor their wishes; keep their secrets

This glorifies God’s name; defeats the enemy.    

selah! hallelujah & amen