Tuesday, March 04, 2014

OPEN WOUNDS part II by (me!) Sandra, tvgp

I am at a place now where I can see other peoples open wounds..  Not sure about a step by step on how to close or heal them.. But I'm going to review some of mine:

At one point, for sure, being a rape survivor was a very open, very raw, very large open wound.  YEARS of shame, confusion, phobias, eating disorders, silence, concern..  Long list!  And I remember vividly when I first dared to break the silence.. And talked about being 'mugged'. -because I could not even get the word rape to cross my tongue..  And the person who heard I had been 'mugged' not once, but three times, took several steps away from me and said, 'you sound like bad luck.'.  -oh my good God! I was re-devastated! My worst fear..  Manifested!  Isolation..  People backing away from me..  I was some kind of what?  Bad, dangerous person to know or be around..  So, that sent me into another decade of silence.. That one single response: walking away from me (sure don't want to be near YOU..you ARE a bad luck virus)..    But! Today there is no one on the entire planet who could say anything that would put me back into a place of shame or silence.  I honor time/place appropriateness discussing the subject.. But this is no longer an open wound. It is fully healed. I know in the deepest part of me.. All the shame belongs to the predator.   -and I remain curious what set of life circumstances turn someone into a rapist?  Vs. Born evil..  ?.    Once open, now healed.     There are wounds I believe were created by my culture, which were once wide open and have now also healed: at one time if you mentioned anything about my weight.. That would sting.. Send me into another episode of some kind of eating and/or exercise disorder..  But today, the comments roll off, don't enter, no longer effect me..  What a joy! What peace!  I contribute part of my success here to my mass media diet, started many years ago.. No music videos, no women consumer magazines, highly selective about TV, commercials, movies..  I can clearly observe/see/witness the effects of mass media on today's youth.. -remember and understand now how I got sucked into that world..  Its too big of a battle for me to fight.. So I will just offer up my personal testimony: my mass media diet improved the quality of my life ten fold! I'll never go back!  -but I do not dictate what others should/should not view..  Do your own research.. Is what you allow in your mind productive or counterproductive to the one and only life you wish to lead...  Helping or hurting?  I've made my decision.    Next:  so many strongholds are gone! Smoking!? Completely, utterly removed! I KNOW! In that place within us where TRUTH resides and self knowledge.. That addictions I long ago battled, eating disorders and prescribed diet pills..cigarettes.. These hold no power over me anymore, at all; period.  Even in times of high stress.. They are no longer even a temptation or threat. Wow! Praise God, I do! And thank him!  .. Joyce Meyer calls them 'spiritual hangnails'. -I love that..  Those irritants.. Things that sting emotionally.. And I am a student of hers for life! As I have mentioned before..  But I recognize them as they pop up..  I remember at one time, if someone said I looked pregnant, but wasn't..  Oh! A low blow..  But the last time that happened.. Didn't hurt, didn't sting, didn't enter.. Just -for real- made me laugh.  I can't fully explain it.. The same way only you know if you did something  unconsciously or with intention..  Seems similar.. Only I know how much things used to sting and how  they don't now. Its great!  I had a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful vision/image play in my mind recently: my very tired, slumped over, physical body was being flown and carried in the sky by several angels.. One was holding me by one shoulder, another the other shoulder, one helped keep my head up, one for each leg..  But they carried me, flew me across the sky and landed me in a gorgeous backyard.. Green! Pools! Garden! BBQ! .. Lovely!  And they explained that they didn't want me to arrive there.. Until -I arrived -there- in my heart and mind..first!  That is to say.. What good is a beautiful place to live if your mind is filled with addictions, fears, insecurities, doubts, disorders of any kind?  Our minds must be peaceful and free and our hearts filled with love.. Otherwise it doesn't matter what you have or where you live..   -write.  Today I thank God for all the strongholds that have been broken.. For helping me to be aware of spiritual hangnails as they present themselves and to continue to make that journey for each open wound.. From "it stings!" To total peace...   Amen!


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