SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

"TRUE TREASURES!!" for (me!) sandra, tvgp

it is both a blessing and burden that I have saved so much, so many papers, articles, pictures from my past.  -and each move, just shoved them in a box here/envelope there..    so that now, in order to separate the treasures (love letters) from the trash, (credit card receipts), I must go very slowly

folder by folder

envelope by envelope

paper by paper

and the thing is, well, I'm going to have to just pray to Jesus..  for help with how much time this is going to take

I mean, one folder just cost me two hours I think.  but come on!   "oh, look.. its the paperwork from the first apartment me & my sister moved into when we came to Pleasanton...

oh!   look..  when my sister and I went to the hobby trade show dinner...

oh! what is this?    ?!?  who is don?    apparently I loved him at one time or another... 

and I just sat and re-read a series of love~related letters and cards don and I exchanged many years ago.   -here is the embarrassing but very real story about actual life events vs. our memory of life events, and why these tangible memories, in the form of pictures/cards/letters end of being of so much value..

and let me digress to point out something very important here about then vs. now, and social media, and time lines and all that

people have become conscious of the fact that what they are sharing is being tracked.  sometimes more conscious than others, but its there.  and people are creating images vs. being authentic..  and so, the truth is getting lost...

but it does exist doesn't it.   

***

I could go on, but ill spare you the dissertation.

***

the thing is..  I had NO IDEA I held on to any of this!  these cards/letters between don and I.   and I would have lost any bet about their existence, or what feelings I had, or he had..

and the reason I have copies of letters I sent him, is because..   it used to cause me so much anxiety.. writing and mailing something..  

as time passed, I would be like,   what did I say in that letter?  and to alleviate my own anxiety, about whether or not I did, or did not write a certain thing..    did I remember to write this or that...?

I would take copies..   and then if the question haunted me, I could quickly re-read and know..  yes, I did.. or no I didn't..

***

the most fascinating thing for me here though, is how, in my memory, and in fact, the way I shared it with my daughter   -this relationship was relatively short.    and, I don't remember it being as emotionally significant as it reads...   and!  the reason I tell for the break-up now, has NOTHING in common with what I just read..  -not even mentioned.

wild.

 
so:  fast forward many several years, and how I described this dating relationship to my daughter, if I may bullet point:

* met in some kind of group setting, at a restaurant.   a helium balloon was being passed around, and each person was taking a hit, and then talking funny..   and laughing and being silly

but this one guy...  the reason he got my attention is because, while everyone else was being silly and laughing..  he could EXPLAIN it..  he literally, briefly explained why and how the helium had the effect it did, and made us talk funny..

so, I said to my daughter..  -very sexy!  knowledge....   I go weak in the knees..

then I would just kind of skip to the end..  at least, what I remember as the end.  which in my personal memory had something to do with visiting his beautiful, new, home..   and seeing his garage.

now, I think any other girl of my age would have been impressed with a big, beautiful new home..

but the garage, you see.. in my memory was

SPOTLESS.   HIGHLY ORGANIZED.    the saying, you could eat off the ground, would apply.

and while that appeals to a lot of people, SPOTLESS ='d for me at the time, as..

well, I just could not picture little kids playing freely in this garage.. being messy and creative.  I flashed in my mind to:    don't do this. clean this up.  put that back where it belongs.  leave everything exactly as you found it

and I knew in that instant   -over.

***

and I did also hold the memory of us going to Yosemite together, and that particular visit to Yosemite, where I have been with family, with friends, and with two other dates..

but my time at Yosemite with Don..     my best experience ever!   the hike itself..  to Cathedral Lakes if my memory serves me..   perfect! for a novice hiker..    some open meadow, some heavy with trees, all relatively flat...   and ultimately revealing the most beautiful rock/water combination for a romantic picnic..  which we had.

***

anyway.. from the letters..   I was like..  howling laughing at how I flirted in this one letter..

and it also appears,  well,

the spotless garage is never mentioned.  but apparently this was all when Jacques and I were off and on, and on and off..   and my heart

was without a safe place to land.

***

now, I imagine Don married, with a beautiful wife and two or three children.  And I imagine he has remained married; never divorced.   these are all guesses..

and I would further guess..   or at least hope, that since he was a scientist, and very clean and organized

I trust he did not marry a creative, messy, artsy type..

and I avoid facebook completely, but I am going to google his name.    I still have his business card from the time.

***

file this under my love/hate relationship with cardboard boxes.

posted by SHE @ 2:13 PM