SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

IF I COULD BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE.. by (me!) sandra, tvgp

in archives under 04/13/2009 post date.   repost inspired by president obama's recent signing of the 2013 violence against women act.

***


if i could be in two places at once, then, this friday, april 17th, at 7pm, i would be at towne center books for martha meltzer's book release party AND in livermore, participating in the annual candlelight walk sponsored by the tri valley haven to help raise awareness about sexual assault.

as i received the invitation to martha meltzer's book release party, first.. and found out about the walk more recently, i will be at towne center books, and really look forward to it

but what i'd like to do here, in lieu of being present for the candlelight walk, is re-post, from my archives, my candlelight walk story from 2008, while planning to walk again in 2010.

this story was selected by gail johnston for publication in her book, the social cause diet, (cupola press/2008), under the title: no staying quiet, and i've also included it in my upcoming book, eat, write & exercise.

*** *** ***




TRI VALLEY HAVEN'S ANNUAL CANDLELIGHT WALK IN LIVERMORE


last year i attended this march solo, but having seen other mother/daughter teams and whole families in general participating in this candlelight march, i decided this year to invite my daughter.


turned the whole evening into a very special mother/daughter time by going out to dinner before we met to make t-shirts and walk at 7pm. -and used this time- while dinning at strizzi's in downtown livermore, to conversate with my daughter about life in general, of course, but most importantly to discuss the meaning and significance of the tri valley haven's candlelight march.


"do you know what sexual assault means?" i asked to kick start this awkward conversation...

and precious how she moved her head up and down as if to say yes, but out of her mouth came the very honest "no."

and i wanted to be careful; careful not to overwhelm, but careful also not to under inform..

"well, you know how there are some criminals who break into cars.. and there some criminals who break into houses.."

and i watched her nodding... at all times, keeping a close look at her facial expression and eyes

"well... sexual assault is kinda like when someone breaks into your body."

and i reminded her of the good touch, bad touch lessons at home and school. -how our bodies are our very own, and just like any of our other private property.. but even more so...no one should be breakin' in!

and based on her age, facial expressions, eyes, and my own mommy knowledge and insights, that pretty much concluded the definition portion of our conversation. i moved on then, to the next subject

"okay.. and now check this out...

when i was a child, and this is even true this very day.. if someone broke into your car, you could -and would- tell everyone you ran into.. you'd tell your family, friends, neighbors.. you could walk up and down any street and freely tell people if someone broke into your car

and when you told them, they would look at you with compassion and concern.. are you okay... that's awful... have you called the police?... and then everyone would know, and everyone would be extra careful about locking up their cars, and keeping an eye out for strangers in the area,"

and i could see that she agreed. she understood.

"same is true," i continued.. "if some criminal broke into your house... you could -and would!- tell everyone all about it.. your family, friends, neighbors.. and everyone would look at you, and listen, and show compassion and concern.. and become extra careful about locking up their houses.. and keeping a better lookout for strangers ..anything, anyone, out of the ordinary in the neighborhood

and i could see she clearly understood and agreed, but to make my point, i added one more

"and same is true," i continued, "if you owned a business, let's say, and someone broke into your store... you'd tell everyone, freely... walk up and down any street and tell just about anyone who would listen -my store was broken into last night!" -and everyone would feel compassion and concern... "

and by this time she could finish my sentences.

"BUT!" i said.. "here's the strange thing.. when i was child, and this is even partly true to this very day.. if some criminal broke into your body




if someone broke into your body.. i learned that you didn't tell a soul. you weren't allowed to; no one was... you'd be shamed.. people would stop being friends with you.. they would distance themselves from you, no one would play with you or come to your house anymore

...do you know what the words stigma or taboo mean?"

and precious again, how her head answered yes, but her honest eyes and mouth answered, "no."

and so i did my awkward best to explain those terms... stigma and taboo... how society, culture.. how people all agree some things will not be talked about in public... and you will pay a very high price if you do

"... and so what a cool deal for the criminal, for the predator, huh.. because not only could he commit the crime, but he could walk around all day without worrying about getting caught because no one would talk about the crime.. no one would tell.

and what have i always told you criminals and predators love?" i asked

"silence." -she answered.

"that's write!!" -and i went on.. "so when sexual assault was taboo, and victims were stigmatized.. that's exactly what the predators hoped for! they could commit their crimes, add new victims and no one was watching out for them, or calling the police because no one knew! what a great deal for criminals who break into bodies instead of cars, houses or business buildings, huh! -and what a raw deal for the victims-"

and i could see the information registering... her eyes allowing me to continue..

"til one day.. some very brave and courageous victims said FORGET THAT PROGRAM! i don't care what you think of me.. or who this makes uncomfortable... this is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, and i'm TELLING! -and i'm sure those pioneers, those first few victims paid a high price for speaking out.. but doesn't that make the most sense! -and now, year after year, more and more people are becoming brave enough to speak out

do you wanna know who are some brave victims of sexual assault... oprah winfrey! oprah winfrey told her entire national tv audience! -and Maya Angelou- she told the whole world too!

- and i'm a survivor of sexual assault and your auntie keeshie too-


but it's not easy.. years and years of silence... and now it's going to take years and years of speaking out -and that's what this candlelight march tonight is all about. probably most of these people are survivors, and they want to help remind others they can speak out too. brave people; all of them."

and i'm sure i said more.. too much... not enough... i'm sure i didn't get it exactly write, but i did my best. and she was a great listener.. and then we still had some 45 minutes to an hour left to talk about other stuff... homework, softball, friends, crushes, middle school, favorite tv shows and music, and birthday parties, and skits, and art, and summer break plans.. and life in general... for both of us.

and i didn't mention it in our conversation about sexual assualt.. i didn't describe it then.. but i want to describe it here: how when i was a child, if you told someone a criminal broke into your car, their face would reflect care for you, and upset/anger toward the criminal

but when i told someone a criminal broke into my body -their face contorted as if cockroaches were crawling out of my mouth as i spoke and they walked backwards ...away from me... abruptly.

that kept me pretty quiet for a long, long, time.

but even though i offered my daughter a very edited, very lightweight version of the history and circumstances, i knew she got it when she -on her own- came up with the design she did when designing her t-shirt for our walk: the shh, with a red circle and red line through it



and below that, she wrote the word: PEACE.

took all the strength i had, and some help from God not to cry when i saw her with it on.




i chose to write heal, help, hope. -i think this is what we need to do as a society

heal victims and the people who love and care about them.. learn about and understand predators... and heal them too.

as we heal, -all of us- then help. help others.. survivors helping victims
and hoping. always hope. hope we make a difference.. hope speaking out reduces the number of victims.. hope we can find answers for why the crime, this violence continues.. hope we can find a way to live with each other on this planet in a respectful and non-violent way..


BIG THANK YOU to everyone at http://www.trivalleyhaven.org/
and everyone participating in the candlelight walk

and to you my green-eyed lovebug...

posted by SHE @ 5:55 PM