"MISTAKEN!" a prayer from a woman in love (me!) Sandra, tvgp
"Dear Jesus.." I said, You know my biggest fear.. The pain of infidelity..." And Jesus said.. "this is not your biggest fear..". At least, he tried to tell me, but I was so already into my own prayer monologue it didn't quite register in the moment. I go, "I pray that I am in love with a faithful, loyal, completely devoted man.. Incapable of cheating!... But, okay.. If it does happen... I pray that you provide me the strength and grace to simultaneously forgive as I exit this relationship. Yes. Forgive. Exit. Exit. Forgive. Which! Can only take place if he either a.) gets caught, or B.) confesses. so, okay, Jesus.. I pray.. That if he ever cheats! Ever! Or even thinks about it too long.. I pray that he will not be able to sleep without confessing.. Or eat. He will not be able to sleep or eat. And I pray that if he cheats and doesn't tell me... Not only will he be made too uncomfortable to sleep or eat, but that he will suffer from a chronic migraine. And a loud.. No, a piercing ring in both ears every time he blinks. And he will blink often because of the inexplicable burning sensation in both eyes. And I pray that he might also have a perpetual upset stomach. And an incurable poison oak style rash around his penis. And that his arthritis will inflame and spread throughout every joint in his entire body. And I pray, dear holy Jesus, that if he even thinks about cheating for too long without telling me.. That in addition to the preforementioned signs you will send, I will start to notice a limp, and a hunch growing on his back and a giant cyst near his upper lip. I pray he will lose part of his ability to speak clearly.. And every time he smiles or laughs, mucous will project from his nose and land directly on the face of the person nearest him. I pray he can never quite get his shower water the temperature he likes, but that instead, it will either boil or freeze, and that all his food and drink will be bland, flavorless, perhaps spiked with toxins... And I pray that if he ever even thinks about cheating and doesn't tell me.. He will live with the preforementioned symptoms every day, all day, for about... Let's say... 12 days, at which time all of his teeth will fall out and then.. -he will die. In your name, Jesus.. I love you, amen" And you know how that happens... Someone says something when you're trying to talk, and you talk write over what they say.. But it still reaches your subconscious.. And it floats there until you shut up long enough for it to surface.. And so I realized.. When I finally shut up... Being cheated on is not my greatest fear; being lied to is. So I said, "Thank you Jesus for that revelation!". And I got up from my kneeled position and started to get ready for the great day ahead. But then I kneeled back down, and folded my hands in prayer again.. "dear holy Jesus," I said, "...i pray that if he ever even thinks about lying to me...or doing anything behind my back, or deceiving me in any way shape or form... That you might apply the preforementioned discomforts immediately. No, in advance! So that I might be free to fall in love -again. And again. Until I find the just write ONE. Thank you Jesus! Hallelujah! And amen!"
posted by SHE @ 7:07 PM
1 Comments:
LOLOLOL! You crack me up, dear. But I totally get you.
Growing up in a Catholic family and going to Catholic school, I learned how incredibly sinful "impure thoughts" were. So every week, probably from the time I was eight through my teens, my confession was the same: "I disobeyed my mother and father. I argued with my mother and father. I argued with my brother and...and...(said really quickly)...I had impure thoughts. I am very sorry for all my sins." Same penance every week: three "Our Fathers," three "Hail Mary's" and three "Glory Be's." Kneel on the marble in front of the tabernacle, ask for forgiveness and be on your way with no clue how to cure "impure thoughts" and no further understanding of the opposite sex--just intense fear of being lied to and cheated on, like you said.
It has taken me this long to understand that "impure thoughts" aren't always "impure," that they are natural, and that it's the actions that count, not the hormones that fire up the loins.
I still have dreams I'm arguing with my mother.
It's hard to teach kids morality without imposing unbearable guilt and a Jesus complex. At 43 years old, I finally have accepted the idea that, yeah. Jesus probably had "impure thoughts," too. I mean, come on. A prostitute washing your feet and all that? Jesus was human. It could be he had to tell Mary Magdeline to knock it off, but that discussion never made it into the Bible.
I was crushed whenever I found out family members and objects of my infatuations not only had impure thoughts, they acted on them. How could I ever find and hold onto a faithful, truthful man? Was there even such a thing?
Every day, I learn to trust my husband a little more because his family is a strong one that taught morals by example, not flogging. But that child in me fears being lied to on a lot of levels, especially because I am so open. His job requires he keep secrets. This has been difficult for me because I am left to discern which secrets are which.
I'm still largely ignorant about living in this Washington DC culture of high security, clearances and "need to know." And it took me a long time to understand the difference between middle class and the working poor. Example: when I first met my husband, I thought he was a senator's son because he had a boat and his parents live on the water. When I found out where he worked, I thought he was a secret agent or something.
Sometimes, he thinks I'm paranoid, and sometimes he's right because the extreme anxiety of PTSD kicks in. But a lot of it is just not knowing because no one tells you these things. No one gives you a crash course on, "How to live with someone who works for..." Secrets make things very hard on families, even if those secrets are necessary.
So I hear you loud and clear, hon. Our histories haven't taught us to trust men very much, and it's hard to get over that by the time you reach our age. I am sure your Jesus understands your request. I do have to wonder if he's hiding a smile, though.
Post a Comment
<< Home