IT FEELS LIKE MY AUNT TINA WAS HERE by (me!) sandra, ttgp
this is how it happened; what it felt like:
i was alone, watching movies.. had watched and quite enjoyed, and was deeply moved by god grew tired of us, then was watching, feast of love; excellent movie also
some 5/8 into the movie there is a scene where a young boy catches a football, falls to the ground and everyone rushes to his aid... realizes he is not breathing... tries to resuscitate.. gets him in a car, because waiting for an ambulance is out of the question..
and write about here, i feel...
and write about here, i feel...
i feel
my aunt tina? is it my aunt tina? i think so. i think so!
so i run and get my journal and a pen..
write the date/time/place/circumstances. notice and document an aluminum taste in my mouth (a symptom she once experienced and was treated for? maybe..)
write: aunt tina -are you visiting me?
yes.
and what do you want me to know -
write in front of you
write in front of you
write in front of you
and i searched in front of me... what!?!? what was there?!? a tv, a dresser, junk and clutter, my word frame, a blank wall behind the tv... what? what is write in front of me? -and then it hits me
what was write in front of me, was that scene where the boy catches the football, falls, FALLS and dies..
i write: you didn't commit suicide?
no (underlined several times).
you fell?
i fell.
and then i write: i'm so sorry aunt tina - i thought you were very unhappy - i was wrong. please forgive me. i miss you. i love you - you were always the light
i will share this.
***
and i shared what happened. first i called my dad, because tina was his sister. and once something like this happens, you start to make connections, see things, in every direction..
like when i called my dad, he was on his way to a play. -a play. and my aunt tina was VERY BIG into the theatre, as an actress, a director, set designer.. i don't know the entire scope of her theatrical career, but it started with plays in highschool, and as an adult, she was a director i believe with the palo alto theatre.. and seems to me, she did children's theatre too.
so i ask my dad... have you ever felt visited by anyone, you know, like your dad or sisters..
and he said, no. he said he has experienced dejavu, and had some premonitions, but never a visit from a loved one who has passed on.. i've felt influenced.. he said
INFLUENCED!
okay then, i said, " i just felt very influenced by aunt tina... and then i went on to tell him what happened. he said, honey no one will ever know.. the doctors said she had enough pills in her to take her life, but the official autopsy report says drowning.
and here's the thing..
i've never doubted it was suicide. ever. i knew she was unhappy. had a broken heart. on top of a broken heart. a failed art/business adventure. little hope, based on life to date, that things would turn around... she was tired. numbing the pain with alcohol and drugs. -and very late in the game, reports of bi-polar disorder.
she had every write to be tired! the woman lived more fully in her short life, than most people do -or would, if you gave them three shots at it. she was an adventurer! always saving enough money from one waitressing job to check out another part of the world
and her dreams.. to climb certain mountains.. to travel the world.. to see africa..
they all came true. she did it! -and to list the obstacles she faced along the way!-
oh! i wanted in the worst way... in the worst way to be the keeper of her journals; but there were none. lots of pictures; no journals.
my aunt tina was gorgeous! gorgeous, fun, so alive, and ultra creative! part hippie, part gypsy, part actress, part seductress, part world traveler, and 100% free funky spirit.
she almost never married. but oh! the boyfriends...
when she did marry.. it was not until.. ( i need to check w/my dad): her 40's? -and what a catch everyone thought her husband was: the ever-so-handsome, ever-so-charming: steve.
millionaire steve..
i only met him ... twice.. once at a beach blanket babylon (hey.. there's babylon again) performance in san francisco we all went to for -what? i can't remember... and we were in the ladies restroom, i remember my aunt tina all smiles... i'm in love ... she told me. -and i had no doubt she meant it.
then i met steve again at my grandpa's funeral. and God i wish i could say there was something off about him.. wish i could say i had my suspicions, but the truth is, i had none.
no one did.
so it came as quite a shock to everyone -tina- hurt the most, when learning that mr ever so handsome, ever so charming millionaire steve was not exactly a self made man
he was a thief! stealing from elderly people at a retirement/senior center.. and PLUS he stole all my aunts money too that she had saved up to go to africa
all her hard earned money. who knows how many jobs, how many hours... and GONE..
lost her husband. lost her money. had to start from scratch.
steve went to jail. tina went on with life. -and do you know what..
she started saving AGAIN... and some time later ( i don't know how many years ) she met a new love, and they ended up traveling the whole world together! -she got herself to africa anyway
i love that about my aunt tina.
but her world traveling companion would end up falling in love with another -and broken heart again.
you know that saying
that one i don't believe, but hear all the time: God doesn't give you more than you can handle.
i've kinda always known it's bullshit.
"really," i say... let's take a look at the suicide statistics... see those numbers. life was more than they could handle."
people don't respond to my truth with much enthusiasm, so sometimes i just think it, and let them feel whatever comfort that lie provides them. i've been comforted by many lies over the years; i understand.
and speaking of comfortable lies - i must here share aunt tina part two:
because shortly after this visit from my aunt tina, i'm on the phone with my brother.. and we are talking about my experience with aunt tina, and spiritual encounters, and remote viewing, and premonitions, and all things connected to that theme
and while i'm on the phone with him, i'm searchin... searching at the same time i'm listening to him talk.. for this book i know i have called, limitless mind
looking everywhere for it... taking out and putting back so many books on my shelves, in drawers, in baskets.. can't find the damn thing anywhere
and out of all the books i look at, touch, put back, i pull only ONE out and put it to the side to reread. it was embraced by the light.. a book i read many, many years ago, about a near death experience, the afterlife, jesus..
i never did find limitless mind, which is another premonition story in itself..
but i hang up the phone w/my brother, and when i open embraced by the light -guess what-
tucked inside is a letter written by my grandma (my dad's mom) and it's about TINA!
and so call that a coincidence if you like... but even still; pretty damn awesome coincidence.
and when i describe part two to my dad, i said, it just feels peaceful and good. the other experience during the movie.. that felt urgent.. and now this just feels good.
and it was after the first experience that i went and got out the two hats i have that my aunt tina handmade. wore one for a couple hours and felt as if i was hangin' out with her spirit.
as far as that feeling of urgency.. i wonder now.. i'm curious.. because my grandma was hospitalized recently. she did not break a hip as they first cautioned, but she is older, weaker, and it is a vulnerable time for her
and so i wonder.. if my aunt tina wants grandma to know (to think?) that she did not commit suicide. she fell. and if she wants her to have that information write now.
***
and i did reread embraced by light. was -what?- interested. interested to see which lines i had highlighted during my first read so many years ago
and then realized.. this book seems filled with much of the same bullshit sentiment as that one line: God never gives you more than you can handle
i want to say i believe the author. i believe the author had the experiences she reports having
and i fully believe her intent is a noble one.
but i gagged in certain places like pg 68: a person may have chosen to die, for example, by stepping into the street and being hit by a drunk driver. this seems terrible to us, but within the pure knowledge of God, his spirit knew that this was actually saving this driver more grief later. the driver may have been drunk again a week later and hit a group of teenagers, maiming them or causing greater pain and misery than was necessary, but he was prevented because he was spending time in jail for hitting the person who had already completed his purpose on earth. in the eternal perspective, unnecessary pain was spared for the young people, and a growing experience may have begun for the driver.
and that reads quite lovely... but my mind goes to the holocaust... to genocides, every war..
so tens of millions of people are violently murdered (having already completed their purpose on earth) to prevent gazillions of people from being even more violently murdered? -and growing may begin for the hitler's of this world?
i can't get the eternal perspecitve to work, but acknowledge here, i'm not God.
and then, i found in embraced by the light, several references to the secret
the law of attraction. -and this sentiment really is in HUNDREDS OF BOOKS! expressed in different ways with different words
pg 58: because our thoughts can affect this eternal energy, they are the source of creation. all creation begins in the mind. it must be thought first.
pg 71:, or we can create a trampoline of happiness and attainment. our thoughts have tremendous power.
pg 61: ... by believing that we are capable of doing so, we can.
pg 67: we can recharge our own spirits through serving others, having faith in God, and simply opening ourselves to positive energy through positive thoughts. we control it.
***
and you know what..
i'm clueless. i don't pretend to know, to understand..
i don't know if my aunt tina paid me a visit from the spirit world. i don't know if there even is a spirit world
i believe in God.. but i don't know God..
i have faith.. but i also have practical life experiences that require practical solutions
and other life experiences where only prayer & meditation seem to help.
and i do steer by starlight
and i do experience miracles and magic
and when i review everything... every. thing. the one consistent truth for me as an individual
is that when i listen to and follow my heart; blessings follow.
my heart seems to know truth -truth is God- God is truth?
oh no! here we go again...
posted by SHE @ 9:30 AM
17 Comments:
Thanks for a great read, Sandra. From your friend tine, experiencing your aunt tina throught his reading. Strange, I've answered to the name tina all my life because it's more common than mine, and because most foreigners turn tine into tina. And she sounds somewhat like the kind of person I identify as, I'm a trained actress and have travelled the world..and raised from nothing several times..and had my bank accounts drained by a man..and much more of it, I identified with. I don't know if it's too private for you if I ask this, but why is it comforting for you to think, that it was not a suicide? I imagine it would be because that would reduce the pain she was in in the end, and it hurts to know/think, that she was in such a hurting place. But there is also the comfort in a person's suicide, that a strong person makes a strong decision, and carries out a choice. I know it sounds horrible, but I have known several suicides where the realization of the person's loneliness and sadness is horrible, but there is something right about the person then choosing to end it, and taking that responsibility for his or her own destiny. I believe
a suicide is always wrong in it's nature. But as I believe in active death help (I don't know the right English term for this, I'm sure that one is wrong - but when doctors help people to die, it's legal in Holland and we debate a lot in Denmark to legalize it as well) because it's an honest wish to want to die, I principally have to grant suicide the same privilege of being a person's rightful choice. And we, the left ones, must respect the person's wish, in my opinion. I don't know, it was hard not to come to care for your Aunt Tina while reading. I somehow don't think it's more sad if she died from a suicide than from an accident. I'm sorry if I'm writing about stuff, that's too private for you to hear other people's opinions about. Either way, I'm really sorry you lost your aunt. She apparently lived strongly, and died strongly as well. I'm glad you met her again. I suppose that where it makes sense to be glad that she tells it was a fall, is where it's easier to accept an accident than the meaninglessness inside someone you care for. One of my friends fell out a window under the strangest circumstances a couple of years back, during a fight with his girlfriend and not sober. But the window was not open, it was as if he threw himself against it. But he was not a sad person, left no problems behind, like financial or anything. We were so ??????? Why, how, what, accident or suicide??? The girlfriend had gone to the kitchen, next thing, our friend was dead on the ground in the street. Left her and her two children, that he loved and adored. He was in his early thirties. We clung to the thought that it must have been an accident, that he never meant to die. I think we couldn't bear to imagine. I hope your aunt seemed well when you encountered her now, and that if it was not a choice but an accident for her, that she's come to terms with that happening. Long ramble, love to you Sandra.
Thanks for sharing
Wow. I have so many thoughts on this post, I don't know where to start.....
First, the post is amazing. Second, I think your Aunt Tina just became my hero, my role model. She lived her life like I want to live mine. Plus I identify with the actress thing. :) I'm so glad you had those experiences and the peace that comes with. I know how reassuring these experiences can be.
I shall have to comment on the rest later. I have WAY too many thoughts!!
Much love, sis.
tine: -thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences
the strange thing to me is that i did believe my aunt commited suicide, and i did not judge her harshly for it.. i rather understood and respected ...well, respected might be too strong a word... but i understood. it is not something i was wrestling with, to my knowledge..
so this experience i had.. since i was not seeking comfort, it came as an even bigger surprise
i contacted another friend of hers (who has also experienced tina's spirit) who filled in a lot of blanks, and who said a very compelling thing to me; she said,
tina would like you to think she fell
and there was such an indication/tone, that, while the fact was tina commited suicide
she wanted friends/family to see it another way (and this was typical tina...)
so maybe the visit was not me wrestling with her death.. i would say i was quite at peace with it
maybe it is her wrestling with her own death. -these are all guesses and maybe's...
and to respond more to your comments -YES- i do see much of the wonderful - life embracing - theatrical - fully alive - multi-talented- free adventurer - spirit in YOU -so many of the qualities that made my aunt tina the radiant person she was, and a magnet for THE MOST DIVERSE group of friends you could possibly imagine
i admire that about you too
and i feel much the same way you do about suicide.. and was fascinated to read in joyce carol oats journals - her perspective also, which is that for many artist/poet sensitive types..
we should be amazed with how long they hang in there, rather than disappointed in an early leave
because the suffering is endured for some unknown amount of time, before the suicide takes place
and lastly... very sorry to learn about your friend.. his mysterious fatal accident..
i go immediately into prayer for him, his loved ones.. and always and especially the children
and you know tine (which i've pronounced both tina, and with a long i vowel sound, not knowing which is correct? how do you pronounce your name...)
your rambles are not rambles at all.. i delight in your openness and highly value your thoughts/opinions
"to living life fully! -and blogging about it"
love, ~s.
karma: hi sis! thank you! -and now i feel her smiling..
it seems to me you are headed in that direction.. a young, beautiful, talented, actress/writer/adventurer..
radiant and
game for many things.. negotiating the terrane that takes you to your individual mountain tops
and i know we will cross paths at some point; and i really look forward to it..
keep up the great work! ~being YOU~
love, ~s.
bbf, what a fabulous post about a fabulous woman! You could write a whole book about her, couldn't you?
I am the first one to ask "why?" again and again and again, and while there are no real answers, the questions are important.
The belief that works for me--we are recycled, reincarnated because matter is neither created nor destroyed, and what we have done while we are alive lives like our spiritual imprint on the world. We must come back to it, so we must take care what we do to ourselves, one another, and the world. Our spirit, our energy, is neither created nor destroyed...it merely changes...and we change with it in one endless cycle of connected life until we evolve into something more beautiful and perfect than we are now. I bet that was Aunt Tina you heard....I bet she was beautiful.
kmg/bbf: I LOVE WHAT YOU WRITE HERE! it feels true to me.. that we change form
human bodies only one (misunderstood) temporary container for spirit
and it feels quite true also.. that we are part of an infinite connected cycle
and i currently believe what my automatic writing/listening has revealed which is that we evolve, ultimately, into light
and thank you! on behalf of my aunt tina.. she was a beautiful human being and i know this world is a better place because she was in it
love, ~s.
Wow, quite a powerful post. My thought as I was reading was as you suggest, that Tina wanted others to believe she fell.
I've always wanted to believe (and took at face value) the adage that God only gives us what we can handle. You make a very strong argument that isn't always the case. Thanks for this gem.
The taste you had in your mouth when Tina visited was more likely some type of chemical presence associated with her spirit being there. We tend to think of spirits as existing on some other non-physical plane, but it's more likely that their presence is part of our physical world. That's why some cameras can pick up their image.
Again, thanks for a wonderful post!
You guys look great in the hats!
WOW Sandra. What a great post! It's amazing how we transform from one energy form to another. I believe it was important for Tina to let others know that she fell...and how wonderful that you were so open and willing to listen! Amazing post! I could go on and on .... but I want to go back to your post and reread!
Love c
ren man: thank you! -most wonderful to learn your insights as you were reading..
i know from your blog/articles you have spent time with others, authors/speakers, who share this experience of intuitive spirit visits
it is a very difficult experience to communicate/explain; so to read your comments and feel understood is... well, i thank you for your grace & validation
and appreciate your thoughts on the taste in my mouth, and the chemical presence -this relationship makes good sense to me the way you've presented it
AND.. on the topic of adages, i have one more i must get out write now because it bothers me so:
"that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
i've kinda always known that one is part bullshit too. really it should be,
"that which doesn't kill makes some people stronger
others turn into homeless alcoholics, drug addicts, inmates, criminals, hospital patients, mental cases, and victims of depression, poverty, and/or suicide
but the truth is not as quick n' catchy to say out loud
perhaps, if we could just add on:
that which didn't kill, made that one stronger
that which didn't kill, fucked that one up
the important thing is that we don't overly, incorrectly use one and ignore the other
the important thing is that we see and realize not all adversity strengthens; some destroys.
and lastly.. thanks again! -because I LOVE THOSE HATS MY AUNT MADE, they mean a great deal to me.
love, ~s.
cfl: thank you! -i'm grateful for this experience; this visit..
and listening is vital i think..
i'm trying to be more conscientious about documenting some of these experiences
they happen randomly it seems; and very quickly.. then gone.
and it is in my imagination that one day scientists will have a detailed and accurate explanation
what is going on in the subconscious, conscious, body/mind when these things happen?
how exactly is this communication taking place?
i'm equal parts grateful and curious
love, ~s.
"It feels like my Aunt Tina was here"
She was, sweet friend, she was. What a beautifully told waterfall of your life and hers intertwined....
And the reunion....
Blessed....
I believe...
singtome: thank you my beautiful friend! a toast this morning to love, peace, waterfalls & miraculous, mysterious connections...
Love your writing, Sandra. I find what you quoted from that book exasperating. While our attitudes and actions often determine outcomes, there are things beyond our control. I didn't read the Secret myself, but from what I can tell, like you say, it's an idea that is around all over the place and I consider it cruel, because when horrible things happen, people should not bear the added burden of thinking they had something to do with it when they didn't! All our lives, we need to do the best we can will what we can control and then struggle to accept that which we can't control. The old Serenity prayer is the truth: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."
gpj: -great to hear from you..
i have been reading the advance copy of your book all morning; should be finished by sunday and feel enormously proud to be included
and thank you for sharing your thoughts here -the serenity prayer is a favorite in my family
as far as the law of attraction goes.. i know there is something to it, but as i've said before
IT IS NOT A=B
but to know what you want to attract, to visualize, hope, take action steps, feel it/believe in yourself; i say yes to all of these
but to think for example, any child victim has attracted violence in their life; hardship; poverty; disease..
i can't buy it for one second..
i can however, see how whole societies can attract violence -or rather neglect to prevent it, through non-action, denial, tolerance; looking the other way
i often see principles of the law of attraction at work on larger scales..in larger communities
in addition to seeing it with individuals
***
i'm learning (through reading your book) we have quite a bit in common,
look forward to a deepening friendship
love, ~s.
Damn it again.. Forgot to write original post date.. I know this took place when I lived on augustine street, so between 2006 and 2009.
This comment has been removed by the author.
"I did write it down!" original post date 07/11/08. This Aunt Tina memory was triggered during my recent friendship visit with Kathy biondi.
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