SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

A Very Sensitive Word to (me!) sandra, tvgp

there is a song
by ed Sheeran
called dive.

in it, he sings, "don't call me baby, unless you mean it"  and it is emoted to perfection.  you can hear, 'don't toy with my heart. I love you madly. I am very vulnerable'    you can hear all that, when he sings, "don't call me baby, unless you mean it"

***

The way he is sensitive to the term of endearment, baby, in that song; I am sensitive that way to the word 'home.'

do not use that word lightly with me.  do not toy with my heart.    home = something real..
I do not use that word casually

do not refer to YOUR house, as my home unless you really, really mean it

***

so, the first time my sexy, said  'welcome home'   all casual, when I pulled into his gargage

my heart blocked it. entirely.  I shrugged it off..

and then the next time; I less successfully blocked it.

and when I saw it written..     

and when he said it the next time I came over..
 




until


one day, I just politely said I had to use the restroom, and went in there and cried.

but only a little bit.

***

post divorce, when my children were with me, at a rental (not my home)   -I just identified my rental by street name, or duplex.  so permanently, profoundly aware it was not my home.

and since I moved out from where my children's dad lived  -even though, technically, it was their ho....

I refused to use the word.  I identify it by street name.    -because, if I am not there..  it is not really..

and, having moved 30+ times over my life time..

rent here, rent there..      all properties owned by others; landlords

renting a room from carol   - carol's house
renting a room from my sister   - my sister's house she was renting..
renting a room from juju   - juju's house
I am currently staying at my mom/rick's house...

I cant remember..   going back, back..     even married, it was always, internally experienced by me as john's house; not mine.   he bought it himself when he was 27 I believe; long before we met and married

so..

I do not use the word casually.   and of course! have prayed..   and prayed..  and prayed...

my own home.   a place I can call MY home and have it be real..

and experience low levels of guilt.. that my home ownership prayer might somehow be an expression that I have not been grateful for all the places I have had shelter

I have had shelter provided continually; graciously.  and provided by a number of wonderful and generous and loving people

but..

a place I can willingly, honestly, accurately call my very own home...

***

like, john..    Robert purchased his own home  -long before we met...    lived married/divorced there..  raised his children...

***

he is lovingly inviting me into his home...

***

I am aware there is an emotional/spiritual element; a number of things + time + guidance..

because it is internal

an internal knowing; a feeling:     his home vs. our home (for me)  and my home vs. our home (for him)

but this entire post, I hope brings heightened awareness; the impact of that saying heard so often from people with the gift of hospitality

"make yourself at home"

***


I sing..  "don't leave me home notes...   unless you mean it...      don't call it our home.. unless you believe it.     so let me know the truth..   before I dive write into you"


***

from a Christian perspective:  none of us are at 'home' on earth; heaven is our true home and we all return there

 'in this world, but not of it'

and while we're here  -the salt and the light

manifest fruits of the spirit

amen.

posted by SHE @ 9:46 AM