SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

 

CH = the re-opening of mariposa grove at Yosemite national park

***

repeating:  time is our greatest editor; not any human.  on our own, organically, we tell our experiences with great detail, at great length when they first occur (conversational novels)  -but each year, decade, score we move forward in time.. those same stories become

mere bullet points

***

note:  without first re-reading my sequoia post written many years ago..  I will bullet point here; from my own memory now, july 2018

*  It was during my 65 hour training to become a volunteer at the tri-valley haven    -I had emotions being stirred, but did not want them to show at all, in fear I would not be able to become a volunteer if they did. I wanted to appear stoic/strong at all times

* writers will understand the distinction im about to make:    because during training "I" did not write, but rather "My Pen" wrote  (that is  I received vs. initiated) the following on a piece of paper:

I am a sequoia

*  I did not understand at all, at the time I received/wrote that, what it meant.  I was not able to pull up a picture in my imagination of what a sequoia even looked like; I knew very vaguely it was a tree, but which one?

* shortly after that experience,(specific amount of time; no idea.. days) I was watching TV, and came across a program about 'sequoias'    -and hearing the word, locked into the program

* a ranger on the show discussed a sequoia which had lived through THREE FIRES    -this also caught my attention as a survivor of THREE kidnappings/rapes, so I paid even closer attention..

and learned many things about sequoias that served as analogies to my own life 

* shortly after watching that show..   my then (now ex) husband planned a family trip to Yosemite  -this is without my mentioning or suggesting what had taken place..  (I think..)

* when we arrive I came across this plaque,

 which adding everything together had a very powerful, spiritual impact  -as did my walk in mariposa grove

***

speaking of weakness

in the aftermath of my traumas  -there was a time I purchased, trained with and owned a gun.  but a person with PTSD should not have a gun; period.  my mind was consumed with how/when I would need to use it; how could I get to it?  if the predator comes in this way, i'll need to do this.. but if he comes from that direction, ill need to do that..  etc., etc, repeat, repeat, repeat..   and I was unable to shut my brain/thoughts off

contrary to logic..  it was when I got rid of the gun, my mind was more at rest.

even though I was more vulnerable without the gun..  

and so peace of mind became more important than personal protection.

also,  logic/common sense =  self defense classes

but when I tried to take self defense classes, it re-triggered my PTSD symptoms, and so ended up very counter-productive

I could add to this list, but the upshot is

the more I tried to protect myself and prepare..  the worse my PTSD

and the more I just lived life vulnerable, the more peace I would experience..

and what I know:

peace of mind makes life worth living.   peace of mind remains my compass to this day

if I feel it even slightly slipping away..     I stop in my tracks, 

assess

hold every thought captive

make adjustments

pray

meditate

I do not let that experience go ignored; I take my peace of mind very seriously

and who is the Prince of Peace?  The Mighty Counselor?

and, so "Thank You Jesus!"

***

it is my interpretation of my life experiences mentioned above, that I was in fact being led/guided to that plaque

and my interpretation of reading it

a permission slip; an understanding that I did not need to apologize for, or feel terrible about,  not being a gun-yielding, martial art fighting, strong super-woman to conquer this world

 without a gun..   without self defense classes...

you are protected

-that is how I processed what happened  -from the receiving/writing of I am a sequoia, to trip to Yosemite, to the plaque

***

then when I read more..   and learned the sequoias were/are protected even though they don't have inherent monetary value.. (their wood yielding only matchsticks)  and how it is money from tourism that also saves..

there does seem to be a spiritual grove of analogies...   [i.e.,  sequoia has shallow roots.. but in groves they attach/inter~twine with each other, which strengthens..   vs. the sycamine, with deep, wide spread; but deadly]

and in the bible..   many passages that directly relate  [research trees in bible, sequoia vs sycamine]

and now, 

I shall re-read my own post and see what I had to say

I AM A SEQUOIA

https://shesayswithasmile.blogspot.com/search?q=i+am+a+sequoia

hallelujah and amen!