SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

 i'll let you decide whether i did the write thing or not. went down like this:

 well, he looks at me, with those big, round, gorgeous ocean blue eyes,

 -you must understand he looks directly at me, and says, "mommy. i'm gonna ask you somethin' and i want the truth. truth. truth, okay."

 and my mind traveled to a thousand different places at the same time

 i looked write back at him, and said, "of course" /but not like, of course! more like, of course -know what i mean -because i have no idea what's about to come my way

 so he looks directly in my eyes -that sweet 10 1/2 year old face, sprinkled with freckles and just hints of an almost sunburn from his recent days at the lake

 and his darling baseball cap adding 10 pounds of charm to every ounce of his being and all i know in this moment is whatever he wants the "truth, truth, truth" about must be very important to him, and so i listened with a reluctant, nervous but very open heart, "ask me"

 and he says, "is there really a santa claus or do the parents put the presents under the tree? ...who delivers the presents?"

 oh no, oh no, oh no.. it's the middle of summer! for goodness sake, i'm not prepared to answer this question write now... why are you springing this on me in july? i haven't even had my morning coffee yet

 "well... there really is the spirit of santa claus" i say

 "yeah, but who delivers the presents -tell me the truth! does santa claus deliver the presents to kids all around the world or do the parents do it, tell me the truth okay..."

 "okay. the parents do deliver the presents       -but in the spirit of santa claus"

 and if ever google earth could help me out by sharing secret video footage -wish everyone could see the way he looked away from me, stared out the windshield, his eyes wandering all around as he thought and processed the truth i had just shared with him for the first time

 "you mean, all this time...." he says. and he is maybe going to smile, but maybe going to cry.

 i rushed in, "did you have some idea, some suspicion, that's why you're asking.. "

 "no.." he says as he continues to digest this unnerving truth

 i smiled with as much comfort and love and reassurance as i could, said, "you know, i found out when i was about the same age you are write now, you know how i found out?"

 and he seemed very interested to know

 i said,

 "well... i remember looking at the tags on all our presents, and the cursive "S" on the, Love, Santa part, well it looked suspiciously like... and so i looked at some things my mom had written, and sure enough, the cursive "S" when she wrote, Love, Sharon well they looked an awful lot alike, know what i mean. that cursive "S" for Santa vs. the cursive "S" for Sharon. i studied it. i compared it like a graphologist and that's how i knew"

 and thanks be to God, because by this time he really was smiling again. in a heart-broken but mending kind of way

 so i continued.. and explained best i could on such short, entirely unprepared notice, that there IS a spirit of santa claus; really. really! "in fact, there really is a saint.. like one of God's saints.. that kind -a saint nick -nicholas- who gave gifts to the poor, to the needy, and he is the one we honor -we carry on that spirit as parents and there's all kinds of information on the history... i'll get some for you okay"

 and by this time, i was parking and we needed to go inside for the class -so i prayed a silent prayer, and he went his way, and i went mine and privately called his dad...

 "hey.. so jack asked me to tell him , the truth, truth, truth, about whether or not there is a santa claus.."

 "you didn't tell him the truth did you?"

 "well, yes.. he said, truth, truth, truth, with those big blue eyes of his.."

 "oh, the world already bursts enough bubbles, why did you have to go and burst this one too?"

 "he said, truth, truth, truth -with those eyes.. and, -and, he's nearly in the 5th grade.. so, well, i told him. i already told him, can't take it back, and i did tell him about the spirit of santa clause, and about saint nick -God's saint..."

 and i could tell he was upset but the gig was up and the most important thing at this point, i thought, is that he knew about the conversation so everyone was on the same page

 and later that afternoon i shared the conversation with my daughter -the whole thing, and she seemed to agree that by 5th grade, jack should know anyway,  and she didn't know for sure, and couldn't describe how she herself found out, but explained to me, that, well, she just knew "probably by the 2nd grade" she informs me. and you know what... i knew she knew at an early age, and i always described her to my friends as "believing for my sake" -that's how perceptive & brilliant she is, and has been from inside my womb. 

and with my son, and my daughter, i talked about how being santa claus at macy's was probably one of my dad's,  ~ "your grandpa's favorite things to do -so much fun. and fun watching all of you figure out as the years passed by, that macy's santa clause was really grandpa pez..."

 and i think