Back off! & let me do my thing.. By (me!) Sandra, tvgp
Now, as discussed in prior post, it is excruciatingly difficult to part with tangible memories.. Especially when they're good ones. Generally if you move from a larger to smaller place, you'll be forced to... So, that is another thing to take into consideration about teacher... She never moved from that home. I'm not sure how many years she lived there.. But certainly for as far back as I can remember. So.. She lived alone, she had no spouse, no children, no living relatives, she was the last in her family line, and she lived a good long time in the exact same house and she couldn't part with things. She couldn't part with any thing.. And I think this is another area where malcolm Gladwell's "tipping point" might be applicable, because... Obviously, it doesn't get easier to get rid of things as they accumulate; it gets harder still. The amount of time, psychological energy, physical energy, etc. It takes starts to pile up too... Did I mention decision energy? Every item requires it.. To the garbage? Donate? Keep?... Recycle bin? ...Friend that might need or use it? Garage or yard sale? Oh! And one of the biggest obstacles of all.. If you do 'sell' it... The value? The upshot is this, -excuse me here Jesus, it's just plain fuckin' hard. The whole thing... Hard. Hard. Hard." (I feel immediately forgiven). Now, in order to stay on track, I am not going to go into my dissertation about types of human energy hinted to above.. But know this: there are different types of human energy and we have way more than one gas tank for them all, so when you digest calories and they are supposed to = energy... Which tank is being filled? What do you, and don't you, have energy for? Let me return: in order to part with tangible memories which all have personal value of one sort or another you need a lot of, a lot of, different types of energy. I have an internal knowing of when I'm ready to get through another box or two.. When I'm experiencing that miraculous combination of time, space, energy.. And such a specific psychological space, it is... Anyway.. It's such an enormous task, and then.. Here's what I've learned: I have to block out the rest of the world. I have to be alone. Because, the rest of the world is sitting in the stands, watching, and verbalizing everything, in their opinion, that I'm doing wrong. Like, it would (and indeed it would) cost less to make 2 trips to the dumps with two great big loads vs. The several trips, with smaller loads, that I'm making. but I NEED to do this project in smaller steps, even if it costs more; period. So what if I spend $35 vs. $14... The psychological return on investment is immeasurable. Leave me alone. And, it took everything in the whole wide world to finally get some bags of clothes & shoes ready for the donation bin, but then ..if you put them in the USagain bin, you don't get a receipt, which I could not care less about getting, but is of such grand importance to everyone else. -just leave me alone. I know your heart is in the write place.. And in fact, a receipt would helpful for taxes and all that.. But excuse me here again Jesus, but 'I don't give a fuck about getting a receipt. I'm proud of the fact that I managed to go through these boxes and make these decisions and that I'm donating clothes and shoes to people in greater need than me.. I pray over every bag.. then of course, if you let anyone watch what you're doing, they'll decide for you, what you should keep, my God, if you throw something out that should be recycled!, and let me tell you what I'm not about to do.. Store up $10,000 worth of psychological debt, so I can maybe earn $300 at a yard or garage sale.. "don't throw that out! You can sell it!". -so, even when you do finally gather all the wearwithall it takes to go through your boxes of tangible memories... Feels like the devil himself comes and creates a long obstacle course with the intention of defeating your every box of progress. But, guess who is on the throne! So, I'm just ignoring everybody.. Doing my thing, my way, and in fact, it is costing me to go to the dumps a few extra times with smaller loads, and costing me not to get receipts, and costing if i don't sell things at a garage sale, and costing the planet, when I don't recycle.. But forgive me one more time Jesus.. But guess what. -those are all financial costs, and the liberation I'm experiencing is worth far, far, more. And I close with a prayer of gratitude.. "thank you Jesus, that I am in a position, psychologically, spiritually, physically.. To make these decisions on my own, and to go at my own pace, through this very difficult, and highly liberating journey. I know you are with me.. And I know blessings are on the other side. That I might not being doing this the most cost effectient, responsible way.. But I'm doing it. And that is enough for you. Thank you Jesus! I love you..I appreciate this opportunity. I will carry on..in your name, amen."
posted by SHE @ 9:45 AM
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