SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

Taylor Swift, Tenneseee, and triple hit on the two, one, threes as seen by (me!) ~topps, writeousmom

 there is a list of things i want to write about; being usurped by the things i have to write about

so be it.

***

i had the great pleasure..   i recently watched with great interest..    was so grateful to see...

i kind of happened across..    movie app surfing, chose 'documentaries' [no surprise] and decided to land on and watch...

and start by sharing that i, personally, do not have even one taylor swift song on my playlist.  would be hard pressed to name one of her songs

of course, like the rest of the population, if i hear one, i recognize the song, and eventually can put an artist name to it..

but, as mentioned once or a thousand times before:  i feed on documentaries.

and, as mentioned once, or a thousand times before, when it comes to documentaries, i stopped, a long time ago, watching famous-musician related documentaries because the story line was exactly the same just change the name of the famous musician and type of music:

* there will be drugs/addictions   * there will be sleaze   *there will be broken relationships   *there will be corrupt management/betrayals.

to my very pleasant surprise there have been some remarkable, wonderful exceptions:

my favorite/favorite!  springsteen and i     -at last! a documentary that is told from the fans perspective; the impact music/iconic musicians/lyrics/live concerts have on us...    and i do not have springsteen music on my playlist either, but i can still totally relate and appreciate and value

also, blown away, really by PINK   -which documentary of hers did i watch?  title?  can't remember, but it literally did not focus on any of the predictable/redundant themes of drugs/sleaze/corruption..   i remember loving this documentary and  -again-  no PINK songs on my playlist really, but..  WOW! to her accomplishments, creativity, courage, talent/skill, generosity

/am i proscrating here?   hard to tell..

but also, 

in the after of watching this taylor swift documentary, i realized "thank you!" again..   thank you again for capturing and sharing something other than drugs/addictions/sleaze/betrayals and corrupt management.     

i am not a taylor swift fan, but know and love some people who are.   -all i do, is understand that the same thing is happening for any fan, of any genre, of any musician

a magical, mystical, wonderful, powerful encounter and connection

and it could be exclusively with the lyrics, the rhythm, the melody, the beat, the sound, the vibe, the performance, the artist, the band

but sometimes it is with the whole package

in any case..   i fully appreciate what musicians give to, and do for fans and vice versa..

and when i see a fan meet their favorite musician and just ball their eyes out

"that's me!"   i get it.

can't count how many times a song just makes me weep; even when the lyrics/melody do not warrant melancholy

and can't articulate how exciting and nerve racking it is (and would have been) to meet an idol/hero in person

anyway, anyway..      

i LOVE that this taylor swift documentary captures her life over several decades and how you can clearly see that she shot out of her mother's womb a singer/songwriter

youtube is overwhelmed with evidence of individuals who shot out of their mother's womb as singer/songwriters; the greater mystery to me is, among those singer/songwriters, with equal talent/skill/passion in any given genre

which itsy bitsy % become superstars   -what is that formula for success?    -almost doesn't matter.  what we know, is that, for all of time, a small % of a very daunting population will rise to the top

despite enormous obstacles and odds

and capture our hearts, and enrich our lives, and influence our energy levels; our romantic decisions, deepen our friendships, turn like-minded strangers into friends, connect us to family, to neighbors, make us think, make us dance, help us create, embolden us, empower us, enlighten us, comfort us, save our very lives in some cases.. 

they not only help us go on; they help us want to go on..

so let that be my big "thank you!" in general, to the musical superstars  -and especially the ones on my individual playlist

now  -i did have to stop during this taylor swift documentary two very specific times

the first time, was because, like "213 jackpot!"   apparently, heading into nashville, there are exits, 213, 213a, 213b..     /and i do believe i've come across this before...

the second time i had to stop

STOP  to ball my eyes out..   to stand in the bathroom, hold on to the wall, and just cry, cry, cry

i worded, (and know that cussing is not my primary language), but i was like, 

    will this ever f'ing go away!?!  ever?!?  will this ever f'ing go away..  ever...  will it ever, ever, ever, go f'ing away?!?

and i just cried a good, healthy cry and kept repeating a question i already know the answer to

****

it was a trigger and not a cerebral hyperlink   -the difference being, hyperlinks, you choose whether or not you want to click on and explore; triggers, you just react without a chance to choose.

and, i have to tell you, i didn't see it coming..    but, (age 27?)  taylor swift is groped by a radio dj who puts his hand up her skirt  -there are witnesses and a picture..   short version:  he's investigated; fired; sues taylor swift for millions; she counter sues for $1, and the documentary cuts then to drawings of her in the courtroom..

her voice is narrating in the background, and she describes the first things they ask you in court

"why didn't you scream?"    -and where are our tears stored, i wonder, but don't know..  all i do know, is that the second i heard her say that, the walls of the hoover dam of tears inside me collapsed 

i'm fascinated by human tears; by crying..

and, let's see, it's been...   40+ years..    FORTY PLUS F'ING YEARS!  and it still triggers.  i've learned to surrender and let it pass..

"why didn't you scream?"    "why didn't you scream?"    "but.. why didn't you scream?"   "i would have screamed.."

and God gifted me with the most amazing!   the most epic!   the most remarkable experience(s); 

spreading out over several decades, which are directly related to this haunting question

"why didn't you scream?"    in my case, of course, i didn't scream because

i was 17 years old.  i was ambushed.  i had a cocked gun at the temple of my head when i was kidnapped and, ultimately,  hooded and raped.  i think i didn't scream because i was in shock and didn't want him to pull the trigger and shoot my brains out.   -just a guess. 

but the remarkable and epic are this:   and i bullet point here what is expanded somewhere in my blog archives

* eventually, years later (how many? not sure); i have a dream, short version, my brother, sister and i are being chased by cult members wearing red robes  -they get closer and closer to capturing us, and i let out a loud, LOUD, long scream, that wakes me out of my own sleep and dream.  i realize..  like wow!  maybe that was the scream i needed to let out..   "i can scream!"   "i just screamed!" 

life goes on.

* years and years later..    within the past seven; after watching a show with buddhists, i have a dream, the same red-robe wearing cult members from my dream decades before, re-appear

they re-appear to share they never meant me any harm; they just knew i needed to release that scream.

    -WILD, isn't it..

like, okay...  why didn't you mention this earlier?   -write.

****

in any case..  i've written on the topic of sexual assaults' and rape to exhaustion over the decades.

sad to say, we havent evolved much 

still a great deal of victim blaming; i've adapted to it in my own life and circumstances; it does not catch me by surprise like it once did.

one thing lingers in me as unwritten/unaddressed..       it is an episode on cbs sunday morning i saw many years ago now, and in it, they cover 'hush money' if you will.  and share about women in the corporate world who are sexually harrassed or abused and/or violated, and rather than go to court, the alleged predator, writes a check to the accuser and they part ways with an agreement not to go to court.

   -it wasnt referred to as 'hush money' in the episode, i don't think..   maybe it was called a 'non-disclosure agreement'

but this is not a civil court issue anyway; it is CRIMINAL/EVIL/WICKED

..   i remember i watched...    and then i left for the restroom, i vomited and then went on about my day, but 

you have got to be kidding me!?!  we are in the 2000's...   this is not 1970...   

we've made like zero progress, and probably, have headed in the opposite direction

   -so, they keep and continue getting away with sexual harrassment, abuse, violation; these predators..

the facetious piece i wrote is still painfully true

and here is the thing i've reconciled within my own being.   i prayed to reconcile..

for the life of me, i could not, for the longest time, understand, why any rape victim, any victim of sexual harrassment, abuse, violation would NOT REPORT IT

THEY JUST KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT.  This is hideous!  This is WRONG!

and i've had private conversations with victims who have chosen to remain silent 

and i used to lose sleep over it...

i lost a lot of sleep over that cbs episode..

but, what i realized, is that what taylor swift says in this documentary is the painful TRUTH.

     -the process of prosecuting in court IS dehumanizing.

and i've learned just how frequent, how common, how powerful and influential victim blaming is..

i've learned how denial operates in the hearts and minds of loved ones...      how powerful the deterrent of social media, social consequences victims face..

the prevalence of disbelief

there are [still] more disincentives to report; than incentives 

so, i have gone from 'why on earth would you not report?!?  that results in more victims and empowers the predators!!'    to,   'forgive me.  i understand.'   -reporting really is not for everyone

and my gratitude/admiration to those who do have the courage; to those who do dare to; and those who ultimately do successfully prosecute

my gratitude and admiration grows exponentially 

you are superstars of a different kind.

*****

hallelujah!  selah!   amen!

posted by SANDRA HARRISON KAY @ 12:21 PM