SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

a dream & experience from an unknown realm by (me!) sandra, tvgp

if I start by saying, "I had this dream...

most everyone knows exactly what that means; a shared experience by a certain age, by the entire human population; yes..

these movies, these stories, visual and audible unfoldings that take place during our sleep; before we become awake again to daily reality

so, everyone will understand when I say..   I had the most awesome dream last night!   -I mean, I really did

and will skip to the very end, where..  I was in the back seat of a fancy car, traveling at a decent speed, in   -orange

orange county, apparently, and I was lying across the back seat, not sitting upwrite, but I could see through the window of the car, signs, which indicated I was in orange, and, I could hear a voice narrating the experience

I was lying across the back seat, hearing this voice, and realizing that the voice was not from anyone in the front seat..   where then? was the voice coming from?   so, I started to sit up, and look for someone in the front driver seat

   -no one,

and very excited I realized,  "I'm in a self-driving car!"    and this is awesome!  and, I also realized, that the self-driving car drove better than I could if I was doing the driving myself

and went to sit up even more upwrite..   to get a better view, and

at that exact time, I  -really-  sat upwrite in my bed, and woke from the awesome dream I was having.

I'm pretty confident that is the coolest dream I have ever had   -ever.      and I wanted to return to it, but was unable..       got ready and went to work.

***

now, experienced with the same clarity   -I had, what cannot be called 'a dream'    because it did not take place during my sleeping hours

and yet, it does not fall in the same category, as a 'day dream'   -of which I have had a gazillion, so..

but it was not quite my imagination...    but it was not   -real

but it was not    -not real.      this really happened; I just don't have the vocabulary to explain what realm

there is pre-requisite information to know:

1.   PTSD

2.  how I have written, that based on my experience, PTSD     -traumatic memories cannot be erased but they CAN BE DILUTED

so,

this information is already known/understood when  (?realm) experience takes place.    it is auditory, but!  not from an external source, like a tv or radio, I heard what I heard, with the same mechanism inside us that allows us to  -hear- what people are saying when we dream

no visual accompaniment; just dream~auditory communication, which essentially went something like this

we are going to dilute at full force;  we are going to flood out those memories

but we can't do it without your permission

are you ready?

and, with a great deal of emotion     -relief emotion and tears, I said,

yes

and sat down and cried for a good stretch.

***

in the aftermath of this experience, I spent a good deal of time thinking about Joyce Meyer's teachings

-specifically:    beauty for ashes; that famous Bible passage..

and Joyce explains..     you must be ready and willing to TRADE out your ashes for BEAUTY

you can't keep the ashes AND have beauty; your ashes have to go..   YOU HAVE TO LET GO of one to claim the other

***

we are each interpreters of our own lives; projecting meaning on the blessings and burdens; projecting, guessing, imagining    -some combination of all three to make sense of

and one of the -interpretations-  I projected about where I am write now, was that..  

God had me in san leandro to   -reclaim/repair my relationship with the city itself; not let the past evil experience claim the entire territory & population

I believed that God had me at my mom & ricks    -a very loving, supportive environment, for 1.  deepen these relationships   2.   the soft place I needed to land while working on my memoir

and quite specifically   -going from my mom's (loving environment) to alden lane (beautiful, healing environment)    -back and forth, 5 days a week

this would provide the necessary safety nets for completing my memoir.

I was convinced this was the case; my interpretation..       here and there for the primary purpose of getting the very hard work done.

***

I have recently changed my mind; changed my interpretation entirely       -although, verbally receiving support from all family members..    verbal support, and actual genuine support are not two in the same;   -I was reading in gesture, and pauses, that perhaps..   well, it might not be a good time.  and, for (me!),   the memoir is not more important than my family.

to be sure, they would love and celebrate the accomplishment; I have no doubt.    -but let me say this also:   -if it never gets finished or published;  no one will be disappointed either.

***

and so,

I'm letting it go...     ~letting it go...

entirely letting it go...

I have zero ambition to return to it, and..    

Lord knows it is all  -already written,  -really..    just not in a reader~friendly, agent/publisher/distributor marketable/profitable format.

***

and I feel 1000x lighter, smarter, better,

  -relieved.


and open to whatever direction the good Lord wants to point me in next...

hallelujah & amen

posted by SHE @ 10:02 PM