Wednesday, May 10, 2017

HOW IS IT WE KNOW WHAT WE KNOW? ponders (me!) sandra, tvgp

on the occasion(s) you say "I'm sorry"   -whether or not it is sincere...    our ability to experience/identify our personal truths

on the occasion(s) you say "I forgive you"    -whether or not you really do...  

when you hear "i forgive you"   -your ability to discern, internally, whether or not you really  -feel- forgiven; whether or not you forgive yourself..

it is all prelude to my saying..     I'm done.    it has been processed.  it is out of my system...   I have said all there is to say.    I needed to revisit, hang out, and talk to Jesus, and leave a symbol of love at the train tracks on halcyon.   while I was there..    I cleared an internal path    -spiritual plumbing

   -there is no hate, no lingering anger inside me; none.   -there is only the unanswered questions:  what was the life path; birth to becoming an evil predator for the evil predators I have encountered?  each so unique in their process; but each with the common criminal behavior of kidnap/rape.   1. break into a home in the dark of night, masked,  and steal a child    2.  no mask; pre-plotted, pre-meditated, con artist/liar, lure... entrap.    3.  ambush..   out from the darkness with a gun

I revisit:  predator 1  -killed/murdered in an unrelated battle of his own by an ex cell mate.
predator 2  -sentenced to jail/deportation.              predator 3  -remained at large..       and all of it, just shy of DNA becoming known/used to identify/capture criminals...       many maybe him/maybe him's   -but no 100% certainty

when I think of my ptsd, and eating disorder..   I see behaviors of a human who has  -cracked; under pressure; under the piling up of trauma; fear..      not knowing from which direction and at what time the next evil will visit

and if I look at the predators   -behavior    -is this humans  -cracking..   under a different type of pressure; the piling up of...    anger/hopelessness/drugs/alcohol/resentment/entitlement

I am bewildered.   I have no hate; no anger; no lingering resentment,  etc.      only unanswered questions.       Jesus...

as is true in nature on the whole;  among human beings...     are there just a certain amount of predators & prey..

lots of passages about not conforming to this world...  about wicked people..   evil plots...   greed, lust, selfishness, idolatry,

it does appear to me; upon life review   -there is a dark spirit; a devil, who does in fact roam the earth looking for people to devour; who will/who can be used to carry out evil work...  from small things, like lies to upset someone; create doubts/fears.. suspicions..  jealousies/insecurities,  separate people..families/friends...    to addictions and strongholds...   to any variety of crimes; the greatest being rapes/murders..

wars of the individual; ordinary people living ordinary lives...   while the larger wars are going on..  between nations; with military powers battling it out on much larger scales

and then there are people of the light...    God's representatives...    fighting the good fight..    using kindness, forgiveness, compassion, truth, justice   -faith, hope, love    -prayer; courage..  generosity

spiritual wars of the individual, going on everyday, in small and large ways...  

so I note this:   even if you are not in the army, navy, air force or marines..      you are involved, conscious of it or not, in spiritual warfare

used by the devil; or by God..    

this is my interpretation of my own life, and the world...

I have been my most miserable under the influence of   -this world.
under the influence of mean alcoholics
under the influence of predators/PTSD
under the influence of mass media
under the influence of unrealistic expectations
under the influence bullies
under the influence of peer pressure/people's opinions

and at my best:  under the influence of Jesus, the Bible, and God.  Under the influence of people who teach/speak about Jesus, the Bible, and God.   -for all the self help books, classes, seminars

and Lord knows my appetite was large..

nothing has compared with the consistent, long lasting, true and very experiential results of becoming a Christian.   -and the spiritual training  -spiritual school this provides.

and so, at the train tracks...  where I did not die...   I talked to Jesus...          I let love have the final word there..     I have no hate/no anger/no fear..   only love.

and internally, I feel as if I have fully, completely  -processed   -that which needed to be processed, and  {how do I know..   I interpret this feeling inside me that it has been processed.. I don't think there is an xray which can show.. I just know; I just know}

"I am ready Jesus...    I am ready to move on...         according to your will, and not my own.."


Philippians 3:13     No dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing; Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead


Philippians...    only 5 pages in length in my Bible; a very short read,  - but incredibly dense and instructive

and so close with this:

May the GRACE of the LORD JESUS CHRIST be with your SPIRIT


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