HOW IS IT WE KNOW WHAT WE KNOW? ponders (me!) sandra, tvgp
on the occasion(s) you say "I'm sorry" -whether or not it is sincere... our ability to experience/identify our personal truthson the occasion(s) you say "I forgive you" -whether or not you really do...
when you hear "i forgive you" -your ability to discern, internally, whether or not you really -feel- forgiven; whether or not you forgive yourself..
it is all prelude to my saying.. I'm done. it has been processed. it is out of my system... I have said all there is to say. I needed to revisit, hang out, and talk to Jesus, and leave a symbol of love at the train tracks on halcyon. while I was there.. I cleared an internal path -spiritual plumbing
-there is no hate, no lingering anger inside me; none. -there is only the unanswered questions: what was the life path; birth to becoming an evil predator for the evil predators I have encountered? each so unique in their process; but each with the common criminal behavior of kidnap/rape. 1. break into a home in the dark of night, masked, and steal a child 2. no mask; pre-plotted, pre-meditated, con artist/liar, lure... entrap. 3. ambush.. out from the darkness with a gun
I revisit: predator 1 -killed/murdered in an unrelated battle of his own by an ex cell mate.
predator 2 -sentenced to jail/deportation. predator 3 -remained at large.. and all of it, just shy of DNA becoming known/used to identify/capture criminals... many maybe him/maybe him's -but no 100% certainty
when I think of my ptsd, and eating disorder.. I see behaviors of a human who has -cracked; under pressure; under the piling up of trauma; fear.. not knowing from which direction and at what time the next evil will visit
and if I look at the predators -behavior -is this humans -cracking.. under a different type of pressure; the piling up of... anger/hopelessness/drugs/alcohol/resentment/entitlement
I am bewildered. I have no hate; no anger; no lingering resentment, etc. only unanswered questions. Jesus...
as is true in nature on the whole; among human beings... are there just a certain amount of predators & prey..
lots of passages about not conforming to this world... about wicked people.. evil plots... greed, lust, selfishness, idolatry,
it does appear to me; upon life review -there is a dark spirit; a devil, who does in fact roam the earth looking for people to devour; who will/who can be used to carry out evil work... from small things, like lies to upset someone; create doubts/fears.. suspicions.. jealousies/insecurities, separate people..families/friends... to addictions and strongholds... to any variety of crimes; the greatest being rapes/murders..
wars of the individual; ordinary people living ordinary lives... while the larger wars are going on.. between nations; with military powers battling it out on much larger scales
and then there are people of the light... God's representatives... fighting the good fight.. using kindness, forgiveness, compassion, truth, justice -faith, hope, love -prayer; courage.. generosity
spiritual wars of the individual, going on everyday, in small and large ways...
so I note this: even if you are not in the army, navy, air force or marines.. you are involved, conscious of it or not, in spiritual warfare
used by the devil; or by God..
this is my interpretation of my own life, and the world...
I have been my most miserable under the influence of -this world.
under the influence of mean alcoholics
under the influence of predators/PTSD
under the influence of mass media
under the influence of unrealistic expectations
under the influence bullies
under the influence of peer pressure/people's opinions
and at my best: under the influence of Jesus, the Bible, and God. Under the influence of people who teach/speak about Jesus, the Bible, and God. -for all the self help books, classes, seminars
and Lord knows my appetite was large..
nothing has compared with the consistent, long lasting, true and very experiential results of becoming a Christian. -and the spiritual training -spiritual school this provides.
and so, at the train tracks... where I did not die... I talked to Jesus... I let love have the final word there.. I have no hate/no anger/no fear.. only love.
and internally, I feel as if I have fully, completely -processed -that which needed to be processed, and {how do I know.. I interpret this feeling inside me that it has been processed.. I don't think there is an xray which can show.. I just know; I just know}
"I am ready Jesus... I am ready to move on... according to your will, and not my own.."
***
Philippians 3:13 No dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing; Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead
***
Philippians... only 5 pages in length in my Bible; a very short read, - but incredibly dense and instructive
and so close with this:
May the GRACE of the LORD JESUS CHRIST be with your SPIRIT
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