GUN & HUSBAND in the same sentence.. By (me!) Sandra, tvgp
There is something so potentially entertaining about that; gun & husband..
How they wind up in the same sentence this morning is because.. The term of endearment I finally landed on for my new special someone is; "husband.". Although I also use the traditional, too common, "baby". "Honey" "darling". " sexy" etc.
Anyway.. As previously mentioned, he is a retired police officer, and on one of our dates I asked him if he would please teach me how to shoot a gun.. Take me to the range..
Actually.. Would he please Re-teach me how to use a gun. Because I had learned before.
It dawns on me here, as it dawned on me then: I have landed in cement on my opinions for all the hot topics of the day; gay writes, pro-choice; etc.. Except on the issue of gun control. I currently have no stance
I only have the desire to re-learn how to operate one; to see how good I am, or could be with practice, at hitting a target. I am attracted to it as a sport; form of recreation..
And I'm sure I need to know also if I'm as healed as I think I am.
I tell you, what I told my husband.. Who, by the way, based on our meeting so long ago, and based on his career
Is someone I feel very free to talk to AND! Who I know has a better understanding of what Ive been through than anyone else I've ever been intimate with..
"My history with guns in a nutshell...
-first experience, Ohio, with my uncle.. I was a teen? Pre-teen? And got to shoot soda cans off of tree stumps. FUN! Exciting! A little scary.. I can recall now, the sensation of the gun (type? Name?) Jamming in my shoulder when I pulled the trigger, and the heat/sting of -shrapnel (not sure if that's what it called.. Some tiny thing that shot out from the side of the gun) but what I mostly remember is standing very still, focused, looking through the little slots on top of the gun that needed to be perfectly in line with the soda can in the distance. Aiming. And then learning to adjust my aim so that it could accommodate the bit of movement that happened when I pulled the trigger. My memory is that I was very good at this. And my memory is that it was very fun.
But it was just a family vacation and when we came back to california there were never any guns; never any recreational gun shooting activities.
My next experiences with guns would be quite different. -having one held near my head during a bank robbery
And then having one cocked and at my temple before and after being kidnapped and raped.
-my next experience (and I would be very grateful for sue-sue to share her memories here again..) But my next experience was purchasing a gun for self-protection and learning how to shoot to save my life; or the life of someone I love.
I have only vague memories now of what type gun? How much it cost? What was required of me paperwork wise, only vague memories of going to the range with sue-sue for target practice..
What I still have very powerful memories of is what a counter productive and horrific effect this actually resulted in, in my life.
Living alone with a gun for self-protection
More accurately. Living with a severe case of undiagnosed PTSD and being alone and having a gun I might at any time have to use for self-protection.
Here is the best distinction between people with PTSD and people without. Are you ready? Re-read the paragraph above and remove the word might and insert WILL.
I had a severe case of PTSD, i was alone and i had a gun i would have to use.. How?
-well, if he enters from this door.. I will need to do this..
-if he enters from that door.. I will need to do this..
-if he breaks in from that window i will need to do this..
-if he's hiding over there i will need to do this..
-if he's behind me..
-if he's to my left..
On and on and on and on.. My brain would not stop. It was exhausting. I lived with a paranoia and hypervigilance of potentially fatal consequences.
And so one day i decided to just get rid of the gun. I was too nervous to be of any actual value with it. The chances he would find it first, or use it against me were much higher than the chance i would actually be able to defend myself..
And in my memory.. Once i got rid of the gun, a portion of the paranoia and chronic 'what if' scenarios went with it..
What i did with it? I dont remember.. Pawn shop? Gave it away to a friend? Sold it? Threw it away?
As life moved me forward.. And true to this day, i have often and do now, have neighbors with guns.. Neighbors who keep a close eye out.. Who i feel very appreciated of and thankful for..
But what i was telling my husband is this.. "I wanna go learn how to shoot a gun again..!.. I think i might be good at it... Im ready!"
And i would very much like for my children to have this experience also. -family fun if you will..
Here is the lesson from my past experience and current perspective.
DO NOT teach a person with severe, or even mild PTSD how to shoot a gun. -bad timing.
The time to learn and practice is when you are healthy and wise.
In Jesus name.. For saving my life; for helping me heal; for my upcoming lessons; for my husband.. Amen
posted by SHE @ 9:11 AM
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