TO MY 21 YEAR OLD SELF from (me!) Sandra, tvgp
Inspired by Leonard stegmann's recent posting of a letter he wrote on his 21st birthday to his 30 year old self. *** Honey.. You still have a long hard road ahead. And I know you can't see the progress you're making yet, but you are making progress. And I know you often feel alone... Want to be left alone.. But you are not alone. You are surrounded by a family and small circle of true friends who love you; who are helping you through...one of the smartest things you'll do is stay in prayer... SWITCH. It's another one of those "missing scenes from my life story" -like the pepsi explosion blog post -where at the time(s) it would have been magnificent if I could have gotten the words to come out, but at the time all I could do was be polite and smile. -because how many times... When you are applying for a job, or to get into college.. How many times do you get all dressed up pretty and smart for an interview and feel the steam of that infamous question train speeding write toward you. The question I did dread, would dread, still dread! For the entirety of my God given life: "so, can you tell me a little bit about yourself?" And we all know what we are supposed to say... But just once... Just once, I wish I would have said "NO! -no. I cannot tell you 'a little'. -there is no polite way to sum this all up for your convenience or approval... I sit before you in this pretty dress and with my crooked smile a complete... Fuckin' and total wreck! I've been attacked from every angle! Just on my way here do you know what I was doing?! Do you!? I was memorizing the license plate of every suspicious car... And by the way.. Every car is now suspicious.. And the height, approximate weight, and facial hair, and tattoos of every suspicious person ... And by the way... Every fuckin person is now suspicious.. I do not know who, where or when I will have to identify the next rapist to the police. -if in fact, I'm even left alive to describe anything! Who will break into my home wearing a mask? I had that happen... Who will lie to my face, rape me and not even bother to hide their face? I had that happen... Who will pop out of fucking nowhere and put a gun to my head? I had that happen... There's ' a little' about myself for you... And here's 'a little more... (big smile) -see this smile... These beautiful teeth? Almost every single one of them has a big fat cavity from shoving junk food in my mouth... Swishing it all around and spitting it back out... FOR HOURS at a time.. Like a fuckin crazy person...I sit in a trance... For HOURS.. Unwrapping cupcakes and cookies and candy bars and shoving them in my mouth and swishing them all around and then spitting it all back in a cup... Hiding the wrappers in a trash can down the road.. Pathetically trying to Disguise myself every time I go back to the discount hostess store for more junk... Memorizing license plates and car colors and descriptions of males I pass by along my merry fuckin way... Oh, but of course I show up for school and work like a normal person... Put in my time just waiting for the opportunity to go be my real, damaged, fucked up self again... "have a nice day". "nice to see you" "have a lovely weekend everyone...". ...a little about myself... I should probably maybe mention the bullies at school, how i had to change schools, the abusive alcoholic step father, my parents divorce, the teen pregnancy, the running away, the grand theft auto arrest, the multiple suicide events.. Changing residents/addresses every year or so, leaving highschool at 15, the marriage, the divorce I'm going through write now... My slut season.. Affair with the college professor... -and then toss in a few reasons I might be qualified for the job... What makes me a great candidate... Why you should hire me. ...I WAS! President of student council my 6th grade year... .."and I'm a people person... Of course...". Letter to my 21 year old self... You hang on God's thread... So, hang on.
posted by SHE @ 9:42 AM
1 Comments:
Oh my dear...what a lovely thing to do for your younger self and your current self who has changed so much. All those things you describe--the PTSD stuff, the anxiety and fear--so normal for us, isn't it, the ones who have gone through the abnormal? And now? Who are we? The Victorious. Where are we? Somewhere entirely different. What would have happened had we let go? We would not be able to offer all we can, all we do.
If you don't mind, I will send parts of this letter to my 27-39 year-old-self, different parts to my 15-19 year-old self and other sections to the scared little girl who kept her mouth shut. Oh wait. I just DID send the letter. I'm going to assume that's okay.
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