SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

LANDSLIDE by (me!) sandra, tvgp

on march 17, 2008, i posted a blog titled happy, get lucky

and i was crying the entire time i wrote that post -and am very glad to have documented what i go through when i'm feeling my worst

a few friends and family members commented to me after reading that post, saying

...but you never said what happened... what happened?"

i answer that question here, write now, and am very excited to get the nervous break down giggle story out of my brain and body.

what happened you see..

well, what happened -it can only be explained with some background information:

and i'll summarize to get to the point: there was an add in the paper (or an email sent to me?) regarding auditioning for the vagina monologues, and the add said, "no experience necessary"

-that's me

and it was a fundraiser for the tri valley haven -where i'm a volunteer

and i had great memories of the vagina monologues having seen it in san francisco many, many, years ago.. and my spirit is always getting me to do things, my practical self would not

and so next thing you know i'm auditioning.. and next you thing you know, i'm cast

and i swear to you i did all that without ONE consideration for what i was really getting myself into. common sense would tell you (but not me) memorization of lines would be first and foremost

it is as embarrassingly obvious to me as ordering chocolate chip pancakes and then going.. "oh.. hmm... there's chocolate chips in here?"

but somewhere, and throughout and over time, i realized that almost all of the people i've seen speak, or read, at open mic events -the best of these people ALL had some stage experience. so the behind-the-scenes desire for me, really, was to become a better speaker/reader

it's clear to me i've found my writing voice.. but just as clear to me that i have not found my speaking one..

but memorizing.. memorizing lines, not reading them; i'm not cut out for this. i KNOW i'm not cut out for this.. post trauma stress damages this part of your brain, but epic made post: that became my personal challenge:



but what comes naturally to others, is damn hard work for me, so add 3 hours for me, to every 1/2 hour for competent others

and that effort alone has my brain taxed a little. and the rehearsals are getting more frequent and longer as we draw closer to our actual performance

-at the bankhead theatre! at the 500 seat bankhead theatre! in livermore

and i'm listening each time, at each rehearsal, to eve enslers work -which INCLUDES (but is not limited to) the horrific violence women have endured and continue to face around the world

and for any/all of us survivors cast in the show -these stories serve as memory triggers

and so some personal reprocessing goes on inside the mind/soul on your own time, in your own way

and i guess i didn't realize how much stuff was accumulating inside me; how much anxiety; how exhausted and out of my league..

and THANK GOD and eve ensler, the vagina monologues is not only a work about the violence women face/endure, but includes also, some of the funniest stories about what it's like to be a woman -in general. all the awkward, exciting, uncertainties we experience

and if you've seen it, you know the vagina monologues makes you laugh as hard as you cry.

but what happen to me.. what happen to me

is that during a dress rehearsal at the bankhead theatre, my brain/body exhausted, my nerves on the very edge, my anxiety peaking, showtime nearing

i started to cry at the lines that should make me laugh.. and laughed hysterically at the lines that should make me cry; like my brain wires got all crossed

and so there was jean rehearsing a very powerful, a very serious/sad/disturbing monologue

and my job at the time, is to sit real still on the bench behind her, between two others, just listening,
and so i'm sitting real still and listening

and jean delivers some terrifying statistic on victims of .. katrina/rawanda?.. i can't remember exactly what horrible crime it was, but then she continues on with,

"...and it was shocking what little people did to stop it"

-and that's what ignited my whole hysterical laughter thing, because that's exactly what i saw in my imagination when she said that: -little people.

-like a whole bunch of tiny, little, people out to fight crime and save lives

and so i started laughing, -hysterically- and couldn't stop.

and when i say hysterically -i mean it. and when i say, couldn't stop -i mean that too.

it was quite funny at first..

a couple people came over to me, "are you okay?" and wanted to hug and comfort me because they thought jean's monologue upset me and i was crying

there were tears coming from my eyes

but when i straightened up, they could see i was laughing not crying. -and when i told them why

-about how i saw a bunch of "little people" -they laughed too.

and everyone was laughing for a little bit, and it was really funny for a while, but then, - it was time to get back to work.

only i couldn't get back to work. because i couldn't stop laughing -hysterically-

i couldn't stop laughing way past the time it lost its entertainment value. way past the expiration date

everyone else was trying to move on and forward but i was stuck there on the bench
doubled over, tears coming down, shoulders bouncing, stomach aching, practically falling off the bench laughing -hysterically-

and i can't remember exactly how long it took for me to regain my composure, but i know it was too long and never fully complete. one wrong vision.. one wrong thought and i was write back to doubled-over with tears

and then i got to thinkin' about how awful it would be if that happened during the actual show, and not just a rehearsal

how many people i would be letting down -how it might be funny at first.. but how NOT funny it becomes after a certain amount of time

i pictured them having to carry me off the stage and to a hospital

and that got me to realizing how i had no techniques/no skills whatsoever for pulling myself back together

how i somehow -once again- got in over my head

how really.. i'm not an actress.. i can't memorize lines.. i don't belong here..

i need to get out while i still can. -and then i got to thinkin' how horrible/awful it was going to feel to tell the director lisa -this late in the game/this close to show time- to confess, to admit, that i have to quit

"i can't do it"

and what a pain in the ass and giant disappointment i turned out to be to my fellow sister-cast members -what a let down to the tri valley haven

and already exhausted and on edge and taxed to hysteria.. now i'm adding the weight of "to quit or not to quit" -on my unbalanced shoulders

and it feels very true -very true to me even this very moment- that i'm just such a high functioning damaged person, i fool people, including myself.

that the smarter thing for someone like me, is not to try and grow and take on challenges outside of my comfort zone; always climbing up loose rocks

but to stay on the ground and rest. to lower my expectations and spare my confidence the plummet

and now the interesting thing is.. i did rock on. i did rock on and my experience of ultimately participating in the vagina monologues shot write to the top of my great life experiences list. in large part due to the friendships it yielded, the pride in raising $30,000 for the tri valley haven, having not let any friends down, and these great lines and this roarin' laughter:



there is an important puzzle piece missing i must provide before the end

on the night i returned home from my hysterical laughing break down, there was a very particular inspirational email i opened, read and listened to

it was an interview between two inspirational/motivational speakers ( i will have to look up names), but the topic -very timely for me- was on resistence

and they talked about how anytime you are reaching up.. reaching out and beyond to attempt to accomplish a new level of -personal success/accomplishment

you'll be met with internal resistence.. those "you can't" "you shouldn't" and "don't even try" messages/voices in your head

which ultimately, if trusted/heeded, keep you stuck.

and the only way to unstick yourself is to ignore those messages and rock on

and i laid flat on my floor, eyes closed, listening very close to that interview -processing the truth in it-

and that helped me rock on instead of call and quit.

but what i've learned since that time, is how equally important it sometimes is to ignore the "you can" "you should" and "try this/try that" messages

so that you can rest. and feel grounded enough to build your rock into a mountain

posted by SHE @ 7:30 AM