Thursday, April 07, 2016

Gel: The most exciting manicure ill never get again. (me!) sandra, tvgp

the first analogy to come to mind for me was..    -telling your i just lost my virginity story, with great excitement and enthusiasm to a mom with three kids in tow..

but there is a crucial distinction to be made, so let me say instead:  -it was like telling your, my first orgasm story, to a mom with three kids in tow..    /because they are not always one in the same, are they..

  -what I'm trying to capture and convey,  is just how excited I was...   like, beyond belief wow'd by this entirely unplanned and unexpected experience of having my first gel manicure

but it was landing on the ears of women in the salon who had been getting gel manicures and pedicures for several years already, so they were like

yes, honey.. calm down..  we already know...


  -but, i'll tell you this..    -it was my first!  and I will never forget it!

-because I get  -maybe- 3 manicures a year at the most..   it is simply not in my budget time wise, or income wise, or patience wise, or return on investment wise, because with the amount of physical work I do at ricks picks + all my mixed media arts and crafts stuff + typing + daily stuff that requires both hands

a beautiful manicure lasts maybe 20 minutes before a chip here, and a crack there..

I wouldn't get them at all, except,   -well, I don't even really go for the pretty colors they paint on my nails; I go for the  -massage- of the hands and forearm that is included with the manicure

that's the best part; and that's what I'm actually paying for..   everything else is just bonus..

and I have never,  -never/ever-  received a manicure in my whole life, where a massage was not included..

so, that's how this whole thing got started..    -first she mentioned to me about how I might want to try the gel manicure instead of the traditional manicure because the paint dries really fast

and if the massage is the best part of any manicure ive ever had; the waiting impatiently for the nail polish to dry has been consistently the worst part

and many, many, times it involves, "damn it!  I just nicked this nail trying to get my car keys.. can you re-do this one.."

so, she talked me into it..    I was very interested to see just how much faster this gel would dry, and if I really could get out of the salon quicker and on to some arts & crafts project which would almost instantaneously destroy my fresh beautiful manicure..


as I mentioned, I don't get weekly manicures, but I have had enough manicures over my 50 years of life to have the process memorized..

so, when she..

when she started to paint my nails, but I hadn't yet received a massage..  

when it is the massage I'm actually there for, as I mentioned..

I looked at her with great confusion and sadness, and asked, quietly..    -you guys don't include a massage with your manicures?   -and before she answered, I had already decided I would never be coming back to this salon again  -ever

and she replied back, "after I put your color on.."

"no". I told her..   "don't you have to massage first.. then the color..   -or you mess it up..  smear the color.."

I mean, who knows..   maybe she was new; maybe she was distracted by problems at home..  maybe she has done so many, she is on auto-pilot, and lost track of what step...

maybe she was trying to get away with not giving me my massage and was coming up with a quick excuse when I called her on it..

but she insisted:  "after the color..   "    -very politely; but had to insist because I was certain!

massage before color!  that's the way it has always been!

  -eventually I surrendered, and she painted my nails, and I did alternate so that the hand with fresh painted nails was is a drying machine, while the other was painted

and we chit-chatted just enough to connect better and pass the time quicker..

and sure enough..  

write after she finished painting both hands, she put some lotion on the back of my hands and started in

with what I was anticipating and paying for all along:  the massage.

  -but to watch her go write over the nail polish without it smearing or smudging..

well, I did not belt it out, as I heard it in my mind

but what I heard in my mind, was Janice Joplin's...   "R E VO LU T I O N!"

and,  -but what I did vocalize, was my amazement..  and I tried to share it with the other women in the salon..   sitting in their massage chairs at a short distance, with their nails already painted and   feet in the tubs for their monthly pedicures..   -and I got like, no reaction..  only,

  -very subtle and somewhat forced smiles..    

no match in my enthusiasm at all.    -and at the time, I just didn't get it; I didn't understand..

it was such a big deal to me; huge!    -the scientific accomplishment!  the time it is saving people and the industry!  the amount of polish being saved; not having to correct the common smear!

I just thought to myself..   you people should be way more impressed than you are..


and I marveled at my beautiful, instantly dry, unsmeared manicure.   and I couldn't wait to get home and tell my sister..     she'll understand!  I know it.


and I practically burst through the front door to show and tell her..


sister:  "you are not going to believe this.. but I literally..  only about 3 seconds ago, got in a big argument with sarah because she wants a gel manicure, and I told her no..    I'm like the meanest mom in the world she told me..  but I didn't even know what a gel manicure was..  and now here you are telling me how wonderful.."

   -and she apologized to her daughter, based on my powerful testimony, and they scheduled an appointment.

we were convinced it was all meant to be!  divine intervention again!  "Thank you Jesus!"  -and all that..


ever heard the saying..    if it seems too good to be true..


well,   -turns out, as I learned the hard way    /a synonym for my way..   the only way I seem to learn 80% of everything I'm supposed to know..

that 1.  gel polish cannot be removed with regular, over the counter nail polish remover.  I will spare you details, that you can google for yourself, but to remove gel polish..

there are several steps; at least 7 types of tools; 3 chemicals; foil; coffee filters; an antique coin from the Netherlands with grooves around the perimeter, and at the very minimum,  -your entire morning, or afternoon, free from any other responsibility or day dream so that you can give yourself over fully to the grueling and cumbersome process..

which,  do I even need to mention, not only cancels out any time you saved during the manicure process, but negates by several dollars and minutes and energy and enthusiasm to about a   -7.3

or..  of course, you can pay a fee, and go back to the salon, and have it professionally removed..


as I have chosen

let it take its natural course..  chipping away randomly via use and exposure to the elements, with each chip taking a tiny bit of my natural nail bed with it..  destroying my previously healthy, all natural, perfectly wonderful, nails..

and vowing never to be wow'd again.

and I think, my initial analogy is a very accurate one, because..


until you fully realize, that in addition to a clitoris and nerve endings..

you also have a heart.   and there is price to be paid afterward.


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