SHEsaysWITHaSMILE.blogspot.com

MUST OF BEEN THE HUMBLE PIE by (me!) writeousmom

oRIGINAL POST 07/14/2010: re-post inspired by Leonard's blog today re: mall & bathrooms.... Pull. Trigger. Shoot! we were sitting in a patch of shade at the park, near the basketball hoops

and my son asks me, "so, what has been one of your most embarrassing moments?"

unfortunately, it's very fresh in my mind:

***

"i was at macy's, you see -or rather i was at the mall, when my body sent one of those signals that suggested i might want to consider where the nearest restroom is

and then i was at macys. -quick as i could get there.

the bathroom, or restroom, or ladies lounge, whatever the hell they call it, well

it's wasn't on the floor i was on -of course. the word emergency was not invented by someone who found the bathroom nearby & vacant, write

the word emergency was probably invented by someone in my precarious situation

someone whose body was screamin' 10 seconds, when the delivery location was 10 minutes away, know what i mean

-so-

i look across this country they call the first floor, and spy, some three islands away; stairs


that's when my body sent one of those signals that kindly, but firmly suggested faster route to the drop off point

and thanks be to God here, because just to my left was the elevator

so i pressed the button twelve times and exhausted 8 of my 10 seconds praying myself to the next floor


Jesus! Jesus! come in please, Jesus.. do you read me? pLEEZE don't this happen, k

and quite similar to the way you've seen race horses leave the gate -the instant that elevator door opened i bolted toward the promise land

half way there i began to break my one second left count down into smaller, more hopeful intervals with decimals in them -like they do for the olympics

sweat was literally dripping from my forehead

and at the risk of being arrested for indecent exposure, i thought it best to unbutton my pants in route for efficiencies sake

do you know the way the american flag might appear to holocaust survivors? well, it was quite like that for me when my eyes finally landed on -not a sign pointing toward

but the actual bathroom.

"SWEET FREEDOM! LADY LIBERTY!"

only

there was a line. -of course.

a line so long the door was being repeatedly propped open by the rotating feet of all these women waiting anxiously for their turn

i waved a white kleenex and prepared for surrender.

"Jesus" i said to myself , "is this your way of keeping me humble. of keeping it real?"

and i briefly imagined my time being up; ...two... one... blastoff -write there in line, pants half undone, all the tri valley public there to witness "my most embarrassing moment"


"oh! that lady with the tattoo on her face... i know her! she shit all over herself in the bathroom at macy's!"


but before my imagination got to the fifth town gossip, i was amazingly at the front of the line. next in line!

"Jesus.. you wouldn't bring me this far just to... [my turn! and i ran into the empty stall]

"of course you wouldn't! Thank you Jesus!"



and if, like me, you thought i escaped my most embarrassing moment by making it to the stall in time, then

just, like me,

you learn here the best was yet to come

how can i describe without losing my audience

my friends, my family

the speed and volume at which unidentified flying objects exploded out of my otherwise quaint and quiet derriere

perhaps by sharing the chorus of vaudevillian comments that came from the tribe of women still waiting in line

"oh my! are you okay in there?" followed by "eeewwww" and then some general clapping.

and even though i did make it to the restroom in time

i did not EVER want to come out!

maybe, i thought to myself, if i spend enough time in here cleaning up

there will be a new set of women waiting in line... ones that didn't see me go in

and more importantly

-ones that didn't hear what came out

and so i busied myself with the tasks at hand, and then..

reluctantly, but as an unconditionally beloved child of the most high God

i pulled up my pants. i buttoned my buttons. i put my purse strap on my shoulder. and walked boldly out toward the sink to double wash my hands

there were still several women in line. several women. anxious women. and even though it looked like, from the expressions on their faces

and the way they folded at the knees

that the next woman in line would run to the stall i just made vacant

these women just stood there. stood there in terrified silence. -possessed suddenly with a peculiar sense of generosity and benevolence

"would you like to go in front of me? go write ahead,. i don't have to go so bad anymore"

"oh no, that's okay.. you go on ahead of me. you were here first.. "

and i have to tell you that not even the most desperate woman in that line dared enter the vacant stall i so thoroughly just cleaned

so i apologized but without making eye contact.

and not wanting to be identified

left my writeousmom~mobile in the parking lot that day and hailed a taxi for the long ride home.

****


my son says

"that's cool how it was your most embarassing moment and now it just makes you laugh"

and then i asked him his most embarassing moment, and got to enjoy his recent journey from mortified to funnified

and the thing about most embarrassing moments is they are best shared by the embarrass~ee

so when i can talk him into it

i'll have another great guest post to add to my blog.

posted by SHE @ 8:48 AM